samhopexo Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 My boyfriend and I dated for 2 months and he recently broke up with me because he didn't see himself marrying me. He is 24 and I am 21. Honestly, I think it's too soon for either of us to be thinking about marriage. I am still in college and he is in grad school. We both don't have real jobs yet or have made it into the real world yet to even support a marriage. I know that 24 is a good time to start thinking about marriage and I want to get married too but I think 2 months is too soon to decide you don't want to marry someone. When he broke up with me he made it very clear that he didn't want to do this and he doesn't want to hurt me because of many many heartbreaks i've had before. (He's been my first serious boyfriend since 11th grade; i am now a junior in college) He doesn't want me to disapear and feels like he needs to be in a relationship with his best friend. I don't know if this matters but he also cried like 3 times while we were discussing this. A guy has NEVER cried in front of me before and usually just has a blank face while im sobbing. He feels that we just got into the relationship just to be in one and say we were. I don't feel that way because I'm honestly in love with him and I know he doesn't feel the same. He really is not like anyone else that i've talked to or dated before and I honestly feel that he is the one and one day soon we can come back to each other. I told him to not think of this as a break-up but as a break to give us some time apart and see what we both really want. I know most of you are going to say "leave because why should you wait around for someone who isnt going to want to spend forever with you". That's all easy to say but not easy to do. Especially because I love him so much. (We never said 'i love you' during our 2 months, just 'i like you') For the record, I was in love with him even before we broke up, it didn't just start happening. I guess I'm just looking for other opinions on this issue. Usually, when a 'relationship' ends for me i'll go right back into the game and find someone else but it literally pains me to even think about doing that because nobody else makes sense but him. I'm in the worst pain i've ever felt in my life and if i lose him forever i dont think my heart can put itself back together again.
central Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 He doesn't see you as marriage material - it's clear to him that you won't ever be. Sure, you could continue dating and having fun, but it will never lead anywhere, so he'd rather just move on rather than let attraction develop that - for whatever reason - won't lead anywhere.
introverted1 Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 It's only been 2 months, so far too soon for you to be so emotionally invested. Also, he is doing you a favor by ending things before they can start since he realises he does not see a future with you. It would be far more cruel of him to carry on a relationship for a year or two and then break up. 1
Zahara Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 My boyfriend and I dated for 2 months and he recently broke up with me because he didn't see himself marrying me. Regardless of his reasoning to end it, he's telling you he doesn't see a future with you. He's not as emotionally invested as you are, therefore needs to end it and move on. I don't know if this matters but he also cried like 3 times while we were discussing this. A guy has NEVER cried in front of me before and usually just has a blank face while im sobbing. It doesn't matter. Sometimes dumpers cry from guilt. Sometimes they cry because they do hurt but not enough to reverse their need to end it. Sometimes they cry to soften blow. It doesn't change the fact that he wants to end it. I told him to not think of this as a break-up but as a break to give us some time apart and see what we both really want. He's already told you what he wants. I think this is your way of avoiding and accepting your reality. I know most of you are going to say "leave because why should you wait around for someone who isnt going to want to spend forever with you". That's all easy to say but not easy to do. You're on a site of broken hearts. We've all been through that pain. The sooner you accept it for what it is, the sooner you heal and move on. Healing is attainable. It's hard but you'll get there. 1
Redhead14 Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 My boyfriend and I dated for 2 months and he recently broke up with me because he didn't see himself marrying me. He is 24 and I am 21. Honestly, I think it's too soon for either of us to be thinking about marriage. I am still in college and he is in grad school. We both don't have real jobs yet or have made it into the real world yet to even support a marriage. I know that 24 is a good time to start thinking about marriage and I want to get married too but I think 2 months is too soon to decide you don't want to marry someone. When he broke up with me he made it very clear that he didn't want to do this and he doesn't want to hurt me because of many many heartbreaks i've had before. (He's been my first serious boyfriend since 11th grade; i am now a junior in college) He doesn't want me to disapear and feels like he needs to be in a relationship with his best friend. I don't know if this matters but he also cried like 3 times while we were discussing this. A guy has NEVER cried in front of me before and usually just has a blank face while im sobbing. He feels that we just got into the relationship just to be in one and say we were. I don't feel that way because I'm honestly in love with him and I know he doesn't feel the same. He really is not like anyone else that i've talked to or dated before and I honestly feel that he is the one and one day soon we can come back to each other. I told him to not think of this as a break-up but as a break to give us some time apart and see what we both really want. I know most of you are going to say "leave because why should you wait around for someone who isnt going to want to spend forever with you". That's all easy to say but not easy to do. Especially because I love him so much. (We never said 'i love you' during our 2 months, just 'i like you') For the record, I was in love with him even before we broke up, it didn't just start happening. I guess I'm just looking for other opinions on this issue. Usually, when a 'relationship' ends for me i'll go right back into the game and find someone else but it literally pains me to even think about doing that because nobody else makes sense but him. I'm in the worst pain i've ever felt in my life and if i lose him forever i dont think my heart can put itself back together again. Dating a guy for 2 months doesn't make him your boyfriend even if you call each other that. It's too soon to even know you want that kind of relationship. Being in love with someone after only 2 months of dating is simply about endorphins that fade over time and are either replaced by real "love" and moving forward or the relationship ends. And, sure he may be upset/cry, it's not easy to end a relationship. He may have liked you very much, but simply realized he didn't want to explore a deeper relationship. Don't chase him. Yeah, he may call you at some point because he's struggling too, but don't respond. He's made his decision. 2
PegNosePete Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 I think it's too soon for either of us to be thinking about marriage You might think that, but whether to break up or not is not a joint decision. It is his choice, and he has made it. Arguing whether his reason is good enough or not, is not going to get you anywhere. Trying to undo a dumping using logic is not going to work. he made it very clear that he didn't want to do this BS. If he didn't want to do it, he wouldn't have. Maybe what he meant is that he didn't want to hurt you; most people don't actually want to hurt someone they are dumping. But he certainly did want to end the relationship. He doesn't want me to disapear What he wants or not, is irrelevant to you now. It is not good for you to be hanging around him doing the "lets be friends" thing. That is just going to increase and extend your pain. Don't do it. Just say no sorry you've ended the relationship and I don't feel we can be friends while I am in pain. I know most of you are going to say "leave because why should you wait around for someone who isnt going to want to spend forever with you". Leave, because why should you wait around for someone who has dumped you? 1
preraph Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 The same type thing happened to me. I thought he was so sincere because he cried. I guess it depends what his reasons are, but lots of times they have some image in their head either of their perfect woman or of the perfect wife and mother and are too stupid to veer from that when they meet someone they like. In my case, the guy was fine until he visited his old conventional male friend and came back from that trip basically like we better break up. I was unconventional and I think he was influenced by his friend who thought there was only one way to be and followed his advice. Years later I confronted him about it and he didn't throw him under the bus but neither did he deny it. (We ended up working in the same place for years). I watched him go through some different women and he always seemed remorseful when he hurt and broke up with them. But it didn't change anything really. He had his life plotted out to hit the milestones and that's what he did. I do think there's a certain amount of lack of identity and insecurity when people rely so much on following the conventions. Following the conventions makes them feel more secure in their decisions. Everyone else is doing it, so it must be right - or at least I'll look normal to others. Fact is, he's told you he doesn't want you, and like as become the overworked cliche, it is nonetheless true: Don't let a person tell you he doesn't want you twice. Leave him behind. Don't fill his little needs by continuing to be his buddy when that's not what you want. You'll only keep yourself from moving on and finding the right guy. He's not the right guy or he wouldn't have discarded you. Good luck.
Standard-Fare Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 It's definitely weird that he brought the word "marriage" into this at all, esp. when you guys are so young. But think of that as nothing more than a word choice. The ultimate message was - he didn't see long-term potential, so he wanted to stop the relationship before you both got more invested. I'm really sorry for the pain you're going through. I know it sucks. But I do think this guy sounds like he was being genuine with you, and that he had your best interest in mind. He easily could have lead you along for a long time, as your emotions grew deeper and deeper. You'd be feeling even greater pain if this outcome came six months down the line. I have to assume this guy is just not a typical 24-year-old. He's already looking for a long-term commitment, and he doesn't want to waste time and emotional energy on anything that doesn't hold that potential. It's possible that the intensity/seriousness of his dating style will cause him to bail out too early on girls who might have ended up being a good match for him. But really, that's his problem, not yours.
ExpatInItaly Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 Don't bother calling it a break. If he already knows he doesn't see a future after just 60 days, it's not going to work. It seems you got quite invested early on. He may have sensed this and realized he didn't want to lead you when he didn't feel the same way. As hard as it is, you'll need to treat this as a break-up and start healing.
Author samhopexo Posted March 15, 2016 Author Posted March 15, 2016 i'm sorry but none of you understand the situation...
Zahara Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 i'm sorry but none of you understand the situation... You're in denial. It's understandable because you are hurting. But we're trying to help you see things for what they are -- he's made it very clear to you. You may have to learn lessons the hard way but hopefully you take the advice and do the right thing by you.
Ruby Slippers Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 I think men put women they date into two basic categories: someone I could marry, and someone I couldn't marry but could have fun/sex with. Be thankful he let you know where you stand after only 2 months. A lot of guys will string a woman along for years because they're too scared to go after the women they really want. A woman's prime time for meeting the most desirable men is 20s. Don't waste time with a man who doesn't treasure you. 1
Saracena Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 i'm sorry but none of you understand the situation... So what exactly are posters failing to understand then? I've read all the replies and I agree with all the responses so far. Incidentally, I know quite a few 24-year-olds who would know whether or not someone is marriage material after this length of time. The fact as you stated 'He feels that we just got into the relationship just to be in one and say we were' speaks volumes to me.
Redhead14 Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 i'm sorry but none of you understand the situation... There isn't anyone on here who doesn't "understand the situation" . . . I for one am 56 years old and have seen it all . . . the guy is moving on and you should too. He's not in love with you just because he got all emotional when he told you he was moving on. Guys feel bad too even when they make that decision. They're thinking "geez, I just dated another girl for a couple of months and I was hoping she would be the "one" and she's not. She's nice and all, but I don't feel that kind of connection to her and I'm sad. But, I'm still kicking her to the curb so I can go out and find one I really want." Read some of the 100's of posts from men and women here who let themselves get too emotionally attached too quickly to a new dating partner. And, then read all the posts from women who said "he broke up with me and he cried." "That means that deep down he loves me but is scared or doesn't know how to tell me or he's hurting . . .". Whether any of that is true or not, they are still moving on. 3
smackie9 Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 You will have forgotten all about this in a month....just shake it off.
candie13 Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 If a man tells you he no longer wants to be in a relationship with him, believe him and back off. If he tells you he doesn't want to marry you, for whatever reason at whatever point in the relationship, don't leave, RUN. Whatever he's going through, whatever feelings he has to process, it's his job. Out of your hands. He'll figure it out, eventually. You mind your own business and take care of yourself. Best of luck
Standard-Fare Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 i'm sorry but none of you understand the situation... I think you're looking for people to encourage you to keep up hope, but instead everyone's giving you the blunter truth. It's true we don't have all the details of this situation, but absolutely nothing you've written suggests that your BF wasn't sincere and serious about this breakup. And as another poster said, his being emotional and crying doesn't mean that he thought it was the wrong decision. Breakups just SUCK, for both parties involved. They're sad and they're painful. It's definitely a tough spot you're in - to be still in love with someone who cut things off with you. The mind does play tricks on you, because when you feel that love it can seem impossible, almost ludicrous, that the other person doesn't reciprocate. The love can feel like this spiritual thing that transcends logic. But unfortunately, at some point you do need to apply logic to it.
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