VengeanceGuidesMe Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 Let's say you've been dating someone for half a year. They do something that you don't like. Maybe about six times a year. You expressed to them that you have an issue with one aspect of it and they aren't willing to compromise. This thing they do isn't exactly making you want to break up with them, but it certainly doesn't do anything positive. If anything, you think less of them. Examples: Blackout drunk every other month (no abuse, no hitting, no cheating, etc..), attending a nude beach, lunch with exes (you're invited too!), going to a strip club, etc... It's something that isn't cheating/deception but can inspire jealousy or negative feelings. Would you break up with someone or see if you can handle it? Is it bad to continue dating someone if you don't like this thing they do and may never want to move forward with your relationship? Do you tell them again or just walk away?
scooby-philly Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 Well, You gave a few examples but 1. They're not what you're facing unless you masked your situation in that group. 2. Each one presents it's own issues. I think, you have to respect the person you are with. I remember reading some stuff a few years ago after an engagement ended that talked about - and my experience and others I've seen - healthy relationships stem from mutual respect. The biggest indicator marriage counselors can use to predict long term "success" in a relationship is that neither party can look down on the other. We all have quirks, habits, hobbies that baffle a partner. It's different life experiences, different view points, etc. But if there's something going on that leads you to resent or not respect the other you have to ask yourself - are there things they do that make you respect them, and you do you FEEL that you respect them, that you don't resent them MORE - a LOT MORE - then this things makes you resent them. Sorry for such a high-level answer, but the specifics can only come from the context For example - some people would not be able to be with someone who got black-out drunk on more than a few occasions - i.e. it's a habit and not just they enjoyed themselves a few times. Some people would find someone going to a nude beach awkward. Are they going to watch naked people or just enjoy the freedom of being naked themselves. I know a lot of people wouldn't want their s.o. to go out with an ex - even if they were invited - but some people just split and remain friends. If you can provide more detail on the behavior perhaps we could give you more info on how to view it. But the advice I gave stands - you either respect the person or not. It's not a scale - or at least it's not a scale you can see - but you have to trust your feelings on this.
Zahara Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 It doesn't seem like you can handle it because you've expressed your troubles with him to no avail. You should date someone that shares your values and wants in a relationship. Another woman may find no issue with his habits. You have issues and it doesn't tie in with what you desire in a partner/relationship. If your relationship is already grating on you 6 months into it, with minimal to no compromise -- you likely already know that there isn't much potential of it getting any better.
Gaeta Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 Dating is meant to get to know someone before embarking on a life together. You are getting to know him. You've mentioned to him you didn't like certain behavior and he's unwilling to compromise, what you see is what you get. You have to decide what you can live with and what are deal-breakers. If you decide you can live with him going to strip bars then you let him and you don't nag about it. Personally what you have listed: dead-drunk, strip clubs and such are deal-breakers for me. I do not wish to deal with a man that acts as if he's still single. As soon as I'd learn he enjoys strip bars on regular basis I would terminate the relationship. I would not let it run for 6 months and let it poison my life.
Redhead14 Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 Let's say you've been dating someone for half a year. They do something that you don't like. Maybe about six times a year. You expressed to them that you have an issue with one aspect of it and they aren't willing to compromise. This thing they do isn't exactly making you want to break up with them, but it certainly doesn't do anything positive. If anything, you think less of them. Examples: Blackout drunk every other month (no abuse, no hitting, no cheating, etc..), attending a nude beach, lunch with exes (you're invited too!), going to a strip club, etc... It's something that isn't cheating/deception but can inspire jealousy or negative feelings. Would you break up with someone or see if you can handle it? Is it bad to continue dating someone if you don't like this thing they do and may never want to move forward with your relationship? Do you tell them again or just walk away? You expressed to them that you have an issue with one aspect of it and they aren't willing to compromise. -- If you express a concern or a need and the partner refuses to compromise or attempt to accommodate, you move on. Otherwise, you will find yourself doing this dance forever. They keep doing it, you tell them it makes you unhappy, and they just do whatever they want to do. A partner who is concerned about your feelings, will at least attempt to work on the problem. The person you describe above is selfish and seems to have a different "lifestyle" preference. At six months, if this isn't working for you, it ain't gonna work later either.
preraph Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 He sounds pretty bad. Don't you think you can do better? The most alarming part is the black-out drunk, if you're being specific. If he is getting drunk and doesn't remember anything, that is an alcoholic. It's a true indication of alcoholism, whether it's once every six months or once a week. It means the potential for a continuing escalating alcohol problem is probable. The strip clubs, I guess that depends on you. I wouldn't like it, mostly on objectivity basis. If he doesn't bother to clean this stuff up for you in the first year, he will have absolutely no motivation to do it later. When you screech about it two years from now, he will say, "You've changed. You used to like me the way I was." So if you need to set boundaries, you better do it now and start with the alcohol. Get him some materials on black out drinking.
central Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 It's something that isn't cheating/deception but can inspire jealousy or negative feelings. Would you break up with someone or see if you can handle it? Is it bad to continue dating someone if you don't like this thing they do and may never want to move forward with your relationship? Do you tell them again or just walk away? If they aren't doing anything wrong (I would take exception to blackout drunk, with anyone), but it makes you uncomfortable, it is YOUR responsibility to deal your insecurities or whatever, or split up. You want to change their behavior, and they are unwilling to comply. Sure, it would be nice if they did, but they are not obligated to do so. If your standards or expectation are too different, they you may simply be incompatible, at least at this point in your lives.
Author VengeanceGuidesMe Posted March 16, 2016 Author Posted March 16, 2016 Hi everyone! First, I am a guy and I am talking about my girlfriend. Scooby Philly, your answer was the kind I was looking for. This isn't really a problem specific thing, but a general thing. Sometimes your partner does something you don't like, and it might not be break up worthy but can be annoying when it pops up. I see what you say about letting it grow into resentment. Do you think this is something I can control? I also think Redhead is spot on too, my last girlfriend did things that caused me to resent her over time and all that resulted was a harder break up and more time wasted. My gf doesn't mind being topless and I just asked if there was anyway to not do it front of dudes. Like you know, go to a female spa or something. I don't particularly find it necessary to be an exhibitionist in the park. Also, I've been blackout drunk and I'm a catch. Who hasn't cut loose before?
Zapbasket Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 I think we could help you more if you told us specifically what this thing is that you experience with your girlfriend that makes you consider breaking up with her....
Author VengeanceGuidesMe Posted March 16, 2016 Author Posted March 16, 2016 I think we could help you more if you told us specifically what this thing is that you experience with your girlfriend that makes you consider breaking up with her.... My gf doesn't mind being topless and I just asked if there was anyway to not do it front of dudes. Like you know, go to a female spa or something. I don't particularly find it necessary to be an exhibitionist in the park. Also, no, knowing the specific case doesn't help me. It's something that occurs in a lot of my relationships. No one is perfect and there's always things I don't like and not everything is a deal breaker, but it's not so easy for me to just 'accept it and move on'. Whether it's being topless in the park, callin an ex a racist putdown, not put out more than once a month.. there has always been something that bothered me in a relationship that became more and more of an issue. It's about addressing the underlying issue not this specific case; not what but why. Why don't I forgive them and move on? Why should I?
elaine567 Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 Also, no, knowing the specific case doesn't help me. It's something that occurs in a lot of my relationships. No one is perfect and there's always things I don't like and not everything is a deal breaker, but it's not so easy for me to just 'accept it and move on'. Whether it's being topless in the park, callin an ex a racist putdown, not put out more than once a month.. there has always been something that bothered me in a relationship that became more and more of an issue. It's about addressing the underlying issue not this specific case; not what but why. Why don't I forgive them and move on? Why should I? YOU cannot just get over them, as the examples you gave are signs of fundamental incompatibility. They re NOT just little things you can forget. We date in order to filter out the things we do not like about people. Living with someone who likes to flash her bits to other men, who is racist or who has a low sex drive, is not something YOU want to put up with, so why would YOU ever want to put up with it?
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