Why does he go hot and cold on me and how to handle it?

[elaine567]

Alright, I was simply thinking that a whole day was a big enough of a commitment for the early dating stage that if you want to set something at a reasonable pace, you don't need to spend every waking hours together. Plus, I'm giving out signs of interest in a million other ways, or I wouldn't be still seeing him and talking with him at this point.

 

If that was the case, I guess the damage is done and he's pulling back for sure. I reached out earlier and he definitely sounds less enthusiastic or mad at me, but he still responded...

 

The whole day date was great if you hadn't already slept together.

Sleeping together took the relationship onto a different plane, but you then reneged on Friday and Saturday, causing him to think you weren't interested, he sucks in bed or you just friend zoned him.

None of which are exactly ego boosting for him are they?

[adilaurentis]

Thanks, elaine567 and NinjaX. To be honest I didn't expect someone I met online would care that much since they have so many options and are talking to multiple women at the same time. I personally consider sleeping together a big step and I wouldn't do it if I weren't interested in the guy. However, it could be a different story for men if they invite a different girl back home every week. If that's what he's been doing, why would he care if one case doesn't work out...

 

I definitely want to try to salvage the situation but I guess we'll see what happens since he's hosting family this week and next.

[NinjaX]

Glad to help.

 

I do online dating a lot, and unless he is physically very attractive, chances are, he had to plow through countless rejections and sort through piles of bullcrap to find a woman like you.

 

A man that sleeps around with a new woman every other weekend will rarely commit to a full day to court you. From his actions, I don't think he considers you as just another notch in the bedpost.

 

Hope it works out. Good luck.

[basil67]

Thanks, elaine567 and NinjaX. To be honest I didn't expect someone I met online would care that much since they have so many options and are talking to multiple women at the same time. I personally consider sleeping together a big step and I wouldn't do it if I weren't interested in the guy. However, it could be a different story for men if they invite a different girl back home every week. If that's what he's been doing, why would he care if one case doesn't work out...

 

I definitely want to try to salvage the situation but I guess we'll see what happens since he's hosting family this week and next.

 

Thing is though, a lot of people don't consider sex a big thing. Does he *know* that it was a big thing for you?

 

Forgive me if I've missed it, but how do you know he's been seeing others? Did he tell you?

[thecrucible]

I would say reach out to him and show you are willing to put forward effort in return. I can totally understand where you are coming from about not wanting to jump in with both feet and get hurt but it's also precisely that that's led me to losing out on relationships in the past. When you left early at 8pm, did you do that because it felt like the right thing to do or did you feel in your gut that you wanted to stay; but left instead, feeling it was too risky to have another sleepover? I also agree with others that if you don't communicate things clearly it is much easier for him to draw the wrong conclusions. I would want to get in touch and tell him what you were thinking and say something like "I just wanted to let you know this to clear things up because I feel like I wasn't being clear to you" and then see how he responds. There can be a danger in being too passive in your response to a man. He will want to feel that you are into him.

[thecrucible]

Glad to help.

 

I do online dating a lot, and unless he is physically very attractive, chances are, he had to plow through countless rejections and sort through piles of bullcrap to find a woman like you.

 

A man that sleeps around with a new woman every other weekend will rarely commit to a full day to court you. From his actions, I don't think he considers you as just another notch in the bedpost.

 

Hope it works out. Good luck.

 

I agree with this. I have encountered men who only want me as a notch on the proverbial lamppost and he doesn't sound like that kind of guy.

 

I also agree with that most men are not superstuds and are pretty tired of rejection and unsuccessful encounters. Most men are not going to be exercising their options - the only guys doing that will have a proclivity to do so or perhaps don't want to settle down. But then I may be wrong in your context (I'm only thinking in terms of my own British dating culture).

[adilaurentis]

Thing is though, a lot of people don't consider sex a big thing. Does he *know* that it was a big thing for you?

 

Forgive me if I've missed it, but how do you know he's been seeing others? Did he tell you?

 

He doesn't know that sex is a big deal to me. He probably feels like I'm not sensitive at all and I'm dating many other men at the same time. For some reason I always come off as someone who's so casual, easygoing, and playful that people who don't know me well always assume that nothing really ever gets to me. The truth is it's only a self defense mechanism that I put on a strong front so that people can't tell how hurt or angry I am. It's definitely a flaw.

 

Actually I don't know for sure if he's actively seeing other people. But when we are together sometimes when he checks his phone for the time I could see an alert/notification of a message from someone on that dating app. He's also online a lot, which is not difficult to notice. So I'm positive he's at least conversing with people on there, and it should be a given that some conversations would lead to a plan of a real date.

[adilaurentis]

I agree with this. I have encountered men who only want me as a notch on the proverbial lamppost and he doesn't sound like that kind of guy.

 

I also agree with that most men are not superstuds and are pretty tired of rejection and unsuccessful encounters. Most men are not going to be exercising their options - the only guys doing that will have a proclivity to do so or perhaps don't want to settle down. But then I may be wrong in your context (I'm only thinking in terms of my own British dating culture).

 

That makes sense. I think it applies to American dating culture too. I guess I never really had a clear talk with him about the progression of the dates and what we're looking for here. When I first met him online, there's a place where you can indicate your intentions (e.g. long term, casual, hook up, new friends) and he selected "casual dating." So I kept that in mind, thinking that he's not looking for anything serious here.

[katiegrl]

OP, I disagree with the others.

 

Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't he stop contacting you immediately after you asked him to get tested?

 

Sure, he seemed calm on the outside, even made a joke ... but the fact he stopped contacting you immediately after you had that discussion is very telling!

 

JMO (and gut feeling), but I think that is why he has pulled back..

 

It really does appear he is uncomfortable with, or just does not want to go through the process of, getting tested.

 

We could speculate until hell freezes over why ... but I really think this is the reason.

 

Re your wanting to go home after your Saturday date, I think that was fine!

 

You have a life for chrissakes... and you are not even exclusive yet.

 

Guys don't suddenly lose interest or stop contacting/pursuing because a woman has boundaries, a life of her own without him ...and wishes to maintain some level of independence ...especially in these early stages. That is some pretty crazy thinking IMO.

 

You have certainly expressed enough interest. He would have to be a complete moron and/or very insecure, not to know how into him you are.

 

Anyhoo, I could be wrong in my opinion that he's pulled back cuz he doesn't want to get tested, but again, the fact he stopped contacting you immediately after that discussion is extremely telling.

 

It is just too big of a coincidence for it not be the reason.

 

Again. JMO.

Edited March 16, 2016 by katiegrl

[adilaurentis]

OP, I disagree with the others.

 

Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't he stop contacting you immediately after you asked him to get tested?

 

Sure, he seemed calm on the outside, even made a joke ... but the fact he stopped contacting you immediately after you had that discussion is very telling!

 

JMO (and gut feeling), but I think that is why he has pulled back..

 

It really does appear he is uncomfortable with, or just does not want to go through the process of, getting tested.

 

We could speculate until hell freezes over why ... but I really think this is the reason.

 

Re your wanting to go home after your Saturday date, I think that was fine!

 

You have a life for chrissakes... and you are not even exclusive yet.

 

Guys don't suddenly lose interest or stop contacting/pursuing because a woman has boundaries, a life of her own without him ...and wishes to maintain some level of independence ...especially in these early stages. That is some pretty crazy thinking IMO.

 

You have certainly expressed enough interest. He would have to be a complete moron and/or very insecure, not to know how into him you are.

 

Anyhoo, I could be wrong in my opinion that he's pulled back cuz he doesn't want to get tested, but again, the fact he stopped contacting you immediately after that discussion is extremely telling.

 

It is just too big of a coincidence for it not be the reason.

 

Again. JMO.

 

Mmmm, interesting. I didn't really consider that since he appeared to be perfectly fine with it and that he still wanted me to come over again so I just assumed that it wasn't an issue. I reached out earlier today and he's still talking with me so I guess at least he's not ghosting on me yet. Not sure when I'll see him again now that he has family visiting in town, but I guess only time will tell.

 

Thanks for understanding where I came from in regards to wanting to end the Saturday date in the early evening. What you mentioned is exactly what I was thinking - I have a life and we're not exclusive.

 

I think it takes a lot and a long time to get to know someone. Really. In hindsight, some crucial details about my former dates' personality only came out months down the road.

 

I kind of asked if he was disappointed that I left on Saturday night, and he replied no (with an "lol") and asked if I was regretting it because it sounds like I was. I said okay just feel like there's been some miscommunication there.

[Standard-Fare]

Even though I'm one of the posters who said you were confusing the guy, this really is a tough one - because I totally 100 percent agree that you were under no obligation to sleep with him a second time, and it would be gross to feel like you "owed" him that to keep the relationship blossoming.

 

I think it's just a situation where practical (possibly unfair) reality weighs harder than the nuances of your own mindset.

 

Your mindset: This thing is flexible, I'm getting to know him, I'm not his girlfriend, sex is totally optional.

 

Practical reality: At the start of a relationship, once you cross that boundary into sex, it becomes an expectation that dates will involve that. And if one party pulls back from that, it reads as friend-zoning or disinterest.

 

It's not fair, it just "is"...

[lil_missy]

I see it a bit differently with this one,

If he indicated online that his looking for casual dating and he is still online constantly after spending a lot of time with you, I would assume casual dating is all he is after.

Whether he was expecting sex with u again is not really relevant here coz I think he is not trying to take the relationship to the next level with you. He seems content with what it is and again that is casual dating.

Sorry this is my experience with meeting lots of guys from online dating, then finally meeting my now fiancé who made it very clear he wanted a relationship with me from the beginning. Many guys are only into casual dating but if they want more from you, you will know for sure. They won't be easily put off.

[katiegrl]

Even though I'm one of the posters who said you were confusing the guy, this really is a tough one - because I totally 100 percent agree that you were under no obligation to sleep with him a second time, and it would be gross to feel like you "owed" him that to keep the relationship blossoming.

 

I think it's just a situation where practical (possibly unfair) reality weighs harder than the nuances of your own mindset.

 

Your mindset: This thing is flexible, I'm getting to know him, I'm not his girlfriend, sex is totally optional.

 

Practical reality: At the start of a relationship, once you cross that boundary into sex, it becomes an expectation that dates will involve that. And if one party pulls back from that, it reads as friend-zoning or disinterest.

 

It's not fair, it just "is"...

 

Would a *friend* bring up the subject of getting tested for sexually transmitted diseases? I think not.

 

To the contrary, a woman interested in exclusivity brings up getting tested for diseases. And he knows it!

 

Also, not sure what the hell he expected, he has not asked her to be exclusive, admitted he hasn't told anyone about her or their relationship (his friends, family), and the OP said they are BOTH free to date others.

 

If he was upset she had other plans Saturday night and couldn't spend the night ...fine, he is entitled to his feelings, but to stop pursuing her because of it, given their non-exclusive status and the fact he may, and probably is, dating others, sorry not buying it.

 

Not to mention when she asked him if it bothered him, he replied "no lol."

 

He sounds nice. Ugh.

Edited March 16, 2016 by katiegrl

[Standard-Fare]

I guess no one here has brought up the awkward fact that OP asked about the STD tests not before, but AFTER sleeping with the guy.

 

And OP, I do completely get that and I don't judge it- it's so hard to broach this subject to begin with when you're first dating someone. (Being perfectly honest, I usually roll the dice with the dangerous/stupid/cowardly route of avoiding it.)

 

So kudos to you for putting that out there directly. But you know realistically that if STDs are a concern here, you already put yourself at risk. So it's a little confusing to request this information after the fact.

[joseb]

Thanks, elaine567 and NinjaX. To be honest I didn't expect someone I met online would care that much since they have so many options and are talking to multiple women at the same time.

 

 

I noticed a few times you mentioned all the options and multiple partners online. Perhaps you are projecting a bit of your own experiences? Online is pretty crap for most guys. Are you speaking with a lot of guys?

No harm if you are, just curious.

 

Also, did he say he is looking for casual in his profile, or to you?

[adilaurentis]

I guess no one here has brought up the awkward fact that OP asked about the STD tests not before, but AFTER sleeping with the guy.

 

And OP, I do completely get that and I don't judge it- it's so hard to broach this subject to begin with when you're first dating someone. (Being perfectly honest, I usually roll the dice with the dangerous/stupid/cowardly route of avoiding it.)

 

So kudos to you for putting that out there directly. But you know realistically that if STDs are a concern here, you already put yourself at risk. So it's a little confusing to request this information after the fact.

 

Yep, it is a "sensitive" subject to bring up to someone you barely know. I definitely realized that it was already after the fact but I thought I'd mention it anyways. When we slept together for the first time it just happened so quickly

[adilaurentis]

I noticed a few times you mentioned all the options and multiple partners online. Perhaps you are projecting a bit of your own experiences? Online is pretty crap for most guys. Are you speaking with a lot of guys?

No harm if you are, just curious.

 

Also, did he say he is looking for casual in his profile, or to you?

 

He never told me what he's looking for here, just in his profile he selected "looking for casual dating." When we are together, he also keeps saying he "doesn't want to get anyone pregnant now," which is perfectly normal for a guy who's single and not married and not settled down yet, but I can't help but interpret that as "not looking for serious relationship" too.

 

I gotta say he has some "charming" profile pictures that I wouldn't doubt that some women would be drawn to that. I'm not saying that he's not good looking in person, but the pictures definitely make him look a lot hotter.

 

I'm not consistently communicating with a lot of guys online at the moment, but since I'm still online too, every now and then I'd receive or send a message. I feel like it goes through phases - sometimes you're hit up by a ton of people and going on dates all the time, while other times it's like a dry spell.

[adilaurentis]

Even though I'm one of the posters who said you were confusing the guy, this really is a tough one - because I totally 100 percent agree that you were under no obligation to sleep with him a second time, and it would be gross to feel like you "owed" him that to keep the relationship blossoming.

 

I think it's just a situation where practical (possibly unfair) reality weighs harder than the nuances of your own mindset.

 

Your mindset: This thing is flexible, I'm getting to know him, I'm not his girlfriend, sex is totally optional.

 

Practical reality: At the start of a relationship, once you cross that boundary into sex, it becomes an expectation that dates will involve that. And if one party pulls back from that, it reads as friend-zoning or disinterest.

 

It's not fair, it just "is"...

 

That's a good way to put it. I'm getting this feeling that he really wasn't bothered by the fact that I left last Saturday night, and that he's only "slowing down" with me after an epic date or playing cold to get a reaction out of me. Who knows what he did after I left? Maybe he went clubbing and scored more women. I've always been told that if a man doesn't step up and claim you within two months or so, he never will.

[katiegrl]

Yep, it is a "sensitive" subject to bring up to someone you barely know. I definitely realized that it was already after the fact but I thought I'd mention it anyways. When we slept together for the first time it just happened so quickly

 

JMO, and not judging cuz I am guilty of this myself, but going forward, it may not be the best idea to have sex with guys "you barely know."

 

As for this guy, again I highly doubt he has stopped pursuing because you had other plans after after spending all day Saturday together. Sex or no sex.

 

He is not your *boyfriend* ...you are not a "couple". In fact, I applaud you for maintaining boundaries and continuing to have your own life, especially in these early stages.

 

If it had been decided beforehand that you would be spending Saturday into Sunday together, that would be different.

 

But as I read it, you made a date for Saturday (day), so you had every right to have other plans Saturday night, without him getting so bent, he decides to pull back and stop pursuing you... which I don't think is what happened anyway.

 

As I said in previous post, since he pulled back immediately after you asked he have an STD test, if we want to find a reason for his elusive behavior now, that would be it.

 

Asking to be tested implies sexual exclusivity, which perhaps he doesn't wish to commit to right now.

 

Again, JMO.

 

Please keep us updated, and since I know you really like him, I hope things work out the way you hope they will.

 

Good luck..

Edited March 16, 2016 by katiegrl

[adilaurentis]

JMO, and not judging cuz I am guilty of this myself, but going forward, it may not be the best idea to have sex with guys "you barely know."

 

As for this guy, again I highly doubt he has stopped pursuing because you had other plans after after spending all day Saturday together. Sex or no sex.

 

He is not your *boyfriend* ...you are not a "couple". In fact, I applaud you for maintaining boundaries and continuing to have your own life, especially in these early stages.

 

If it had been decided beforehand that you would be spending Saturday into Sunday together, that would be different.

 

But as I read it, you made a date for Saturday (day), so you had every right to have other plans Saturday night, without him getting so bent, he decides to pull back and stop pursuing you... which I don't think is what happened anyway.

 

As I said in previous post, since he pulled back immediately after you asked he have an STD test, if we want to find a reason for his elusive behavior now, that would be it.

 

Asking to be tested implies sexual exclusivity, which perhaps he doesn't wish to commit to right now.

 

Again, JMO.

 

Please keep us updated, and since I know you really like him, I hope things work out the way you hope they will.

 

Good luck..

 

Well, since I reached out earlier in the week we've been texting each other every day. It bothers me a bit that he hasn't called me once, but I know he's hosting his parents at his place and that he's also doing an online class in the evenings, so I guess keeping in touch with me with all those things going on is already pretty good at this stage.

 

I've noticed that he's getting online a lot less frequently but still does on a daily basis (just not as long each time, as it seems).

 

He's mentioned that we should do this and that next time, so I think he'd like to keep moving forward with me. The thing is I guess I won't be able to see him for a while as his parents will be in town through Easter and he'll probably be busy entertaining them on the weekends when they are here.

[Jejangles]

He's mentioned that we should do this and that next time, so I think he'd like to keep moving forward with me. The thing is I guess I won't be able to see him for a while as his parents will be in town through Easter and he'll probably be busy entertaining them on the weekends when they are here.

 

Be careful of the string along guy! I dated one of those before Christmas and it quickly became clear we would see each other on his schedule and when he wanted to, which didn't work for me. I personally hate the guys who drop vague hints of future plans but don't actually say when they want to do them...

 

Why don't you ask him when he sees some of these plans happening? Or if he wants to chat on the phone? Or if you two work close to each other, if he wants to meet up for lunch? Don't be afraid to ask for what you want, I realised that I could have realised which guys were lukewarm way earlier if I had spoken up for myself a little earlier in the past.

[adilaurentis]

Be careful of the string along guy! I dated one of those before Christmas and it quickly became clear we would see each other on his schedule and when he wanted to, which didn't work for me. I personally hate the guys who drop vague hints of future plans but don't actually say when they want to do them...

 

Why don't you ask him when he sees some of these plans happening? Or if he wants to chat on the phone? Or if you two work close to each other, if he wants to meet up for lunch? Don't be afraid to ask for what you want, I realised that I could have realised which guys were lukewarm way earlier if I had spoken up for myself a little earlier in the past.

 

Haha good point. I dated someone like that too and he was lukewarm at best - only texted me here and there, every now and then, just to check in when he was not busy or was probably bored, and halfheartedly mentioned some vague plans down the road. In the end in the course of about FIVE months we only saw each other THREE times, and the last time was when I finally confronted him about his behavior and he admitted that I was not incorrect. My gut feelings told me all along that something was fundamentally wrong there but I was just so attracted to him that I was willing to turn a blind eye. Definitely learned my lesson there.

 

Unfortunately with the current guy we don't live all that close to each other. It's not a long distance but there's still some distance to make us essentially not in the same area, geographically speaking - 17 miles, 30-40 minutes by subway, and 30 minutes of driving if no traffic. I wish I could just hit him up for a quick run in the evening or meet up in the neighborhood or something if we are closer.