Why does he go hot and cold on me and how to handle it?

[adilaurentis]

Maybe I'm setting the expectations too high for the early dating stage, but my experience tells me that if a guy is interested in you, he'd keep consistent contact no matter what. I've been receiving a mixed bag of advice on why men go hot and cold, and some people told me that they're just playing games to make you wonder and think about him, while others say it's because they are not sure if you're "the one" or that they are not ready to commit yet. I've gone out with a guy about five times and I'd say he's consistent most of the time but every now and then I won't hear from him for quite a few days. We met online so I know he's juggling more than one woman at a time and it keeps him busy, which is also why I'm worried that he'd never truly commit since there are so many options out there.

 

Two weeks ago we went out to dinner and then see a new movie on a Saturday night and I slept over at his place for the first time. It felt like a big deal to both of us and he was pretty accommodating. He found me a toothbrush and also made me breakfast the next morning and kept making sure that I was not hungry when I went home. He also checked in on me Sunday evening to ask when I finally got home, etc. It definitely felt like the whole thing took a turn to more serious from the previous casual dating at a bar phase.

 

Over the course of the following week he'd text me every day and try to keep the conversation going. He also asked if I'd like to go to a farmers market and walk around on Saturday again and also mentioned that we could do a picnic. So we planned the details throughout the week and he even suggested that I stay with him Friday night so that we can leave more conveniently together the next morning, to which I politely declined.

 

We had an amazing time again on Saturday and I really felt like our connection had deepened and we hung out more like a couple. Given lessons learned from my past experience, I didn't want to extend the date to the evening and spend the night at his place again so I purposely said in advance that I had to go home by 8 or so, although he really wanted me to stay. I didn't say why I had to go home but I had a feeling that he suspected that I had a date with someone else because during the day he kept saying that he wanted my experience with him to trump whatever I had going on that evening.

 

Before I left we coyly asked what we're doing for the night. He said he didn't care about what I do in my personal life, but I mentioned that he's part of my personal life that no one else in my life knows about which is normal. He said he hadn't told his mom about me and I was like (jokingly), "So you've told your friends or coworkers about me but not your mom?" He said no he hadn't told anyone about me and it was fun to see me all nervous there for a second.

 

I also mentioned that I was hoping that we'd both get tested so that I know we're both "clean." He didn't flip out and agreed to it and jokingly asked if I'd like to see it signed by his boss and parents.

 

Anyway, I'm not sure what he ended up doing that Saturday night but I haven't heard from him since and it worries me. He strikes me as someone who's outgoing on the outside but shy on the inside, and seems like he doesn't have many friends in the area. I'm just concerned that he was all over me the week before and then now nothing. I don't know if what I did or said the last time we were together made him uncomfortable or something, or if he's just playing mind games with me because it's definitely working. Again, I realize we're both dating around so he could be very much afraid that someone's going to tie him down and take away his freedom too soon.

[Jejangles]

Your approach to Saturday sounds a lot like game playing to me. If you want a relationship with this guy, you would be better served by being open and honest. Why did you pretend you had other plans in the evening and cut the day short? You took the intimacy created by the sleepover earlier in the week and splashed some cold water on it in my opinion.

 

I'm a woman, but if I had slept over with someone and then on the next date they kind of "pulled back" on me and put me back to day dates I would be taken aback.

 

I think the next step is on you. You need to reach out to him and make your interest clear because in my opinion you are sending mixed signals. And if he still runs hot and cold after you make things clear, move on.

[introverted1]

 

Two weeks ago we went out to dinner and then see a new movie on a Saturday night and I slept over at his place for the first time. It felt like a big deal to both of us and he was pretty accommodating. He found me a toothbrush and also made me breakfast the next morning and kept making sure that I was not hungry when I went home. He also checked in on me Sunday evening to ask when I finally got home, etc. It definitely felt like the whole thing took a turn to more serious from the previous casual dating at a bar phase.

 

Over the course of the following week he'd text me every day and try to keep the conversation going. He also asked if I'd like to go to a farmers market and walk around on Saturday again and also mentioned that we could do a picnic. So we planned the details throughout the week and he even suggested that I stay with him Friday night so that we can leave more conveniently together the next morning, to which I politely declined.

 

We had an amazing time again on Saturday and I really felt like our connection had deepened and we hung out more like a couple. Given lessons learned from my past experience, I didn't want to extend the date to the evening and spend the night at his place again so I purposely said in advance that I had to go home by 8 or so, although he really wanted me to stay. I didn't say why I had to go home but I had a feeling that he suspected that I had a date with someone else because during the day he kept saying that he wanted my experience with him to trump whatever I had going on that evening.

 

Before I left we coyly asked what we're doing for the night. He said he didn't care about what I do in my personal life, but I mentioned that he's part of my personal life that no one else in my life knows about which is normal. He said he hadn't told his mom about me and I was like (jokingly), "So you've told your friends or coworkers about me but not your mom?" He said no he hadn't told anyone about me and it was fun to see me all nervous there for a second.

 

I also mentioned that I was hoping that we'd both get tested so that I know we're both "clean." He didn't flip out and agreed to it and jokingly asked if I'd like to see it signed by his boss and parents.

 

Anyway, I'm not sure what he ended up doing that Saturday night but I haven't heard from him since and it worries me. He strikes me as someone who's outgoing on the outside but shy on the inside, and seems like he doesn't have many friends in the area. I'm just concerned that he was all over me the week before and then now nothing. I don't know if what I did or said the last time we were together made him uncomfortable or something, or if he's just playing mind games with me because it's definitely working. Again, I realize we're both dating around so he could be very much afraid that someone's going to tie him down and take away his freedom too soon.

 

I fail to see how you arrived at the conclusion in your last sentence. Rather, two weeks ago you had sex and got closer and, ever since, you've been signaling that you are pulling away.

 

If there is distance, it is because you have created it. If that's not what you want, then I recommend that you reach out and plan a fun sexy date that includes a sleep over. I also think that if you are sleeping together it's fine to say that you are not dating others (assuming that is the case), but perhaps I am just old-fashioned as it would not occur to me to be dating others when I was already sexually involved with someone else.

[stillafool]

Look, you already know he is seeing other women. Maybe he is seeing someone who doesn't play games and does what she feels like doing. At any rate if you want to see him call him up and ask him out.

[adilaurentis]

Your approach to Saturday sounds a lot like game playing to me. If you want a relationship with this guy, you would be better served by being open and honest. Why did you pretend you had other plans in the evening and cut the day short? You took the intimacy created by the sleepover earlier in the week and splashed some cold water on it in my opinion.

 

I'm a woman, but if I had slept over with someone and then on the next date they kind of "pulled back" on me and put me back to day dates I would be taken aback.

 

I think the next step is on you. You need to reach out to him and make your interest clear because in my opinion you are sending mixed signals. And if he still runs hot and cold after you make things clear, move on.

 

Ah probably. In my defense, I wasn't intentionally leading him to think that I had plans with some other guy; I had already spent an entire day with him and it simply felt right to end there without extending it to the night. And I don't see how I'm suddenly "obliged" to spend the night with him again after sleeping with him once. If he wants a girlfriend, he'd have to show and ask, not assume. We're not exclusive here.

[stillafool]

Ah probably. In my defense, I wasn't intentionally leading him to think that I had plans with some other guy; I had already spent an entire day with him and it simply felt right to end there without extending it to the night. And I don't see how I'm suddenly "obliged" to spend the night with him again after sleeping with him once. If he wants a girlfriend, he'd have to show and ask, not assume. We're not exclusive here.

 

He probably feels the exact same way about you.

[Jejangles]

Ah probably. In my defense, I wasn't intentionally leading him to think that I had plans with some other guy; I had already spent an entire day with him and it simply felt right to end there without extending it to the night. And I don't see how I'm suddenly "obliged" to spend the night with him again after sleeping with him once. If he wants a girlfriend, he'd have to show and ask, not assume. We're not exclusive here.

 

You're definitely not obliged to sleep with him again. But I think right after sleeping with him (or ideally before) is a good time to establish what's up, whether you are exclusive, how he wants the relationship to progress. Then you are not left in your current situation where things are unclear and you are guessing at his feelings and motivations.

 

I totally understand your actions because I have been you! And it didn't serve me well. The only time I have ended up in a real, forward moving relationship (which is now) is when I stopped game playing and started being honest. And that included discussing "labels" and clearly communicating about where we were going.

[introverted1]

Ah probably. In my defense, I wasn't intentionally leading him to think that I had plans with some other guy; I had already spent an entire day with him and it simply felt right to end there without extending it to the night. And I don't see how I'm suddenly "obliged" to spend the night with him again after sleeping with him once. If he wants a girlfriend, he'd have to show and ask, not assume. We're not exclusive here.

 

But he did ask.

 

According to your OP, he asked you to stay the following Friday night (you said no) and wanted you to stay on the Saturday night (when you said you had to leave by 8, thus creating the impression you had something/someone else lined up).

 

It's fine not to want to do sleep overs but why not just communicate with him whatever it is you DO want -- exclusive status, sex but no sleep-overs, whatever. Your current MO looks a lot like sabotage from where I sit.

[smackie9]

Guys are not mind readers.....

[adilaurentis]

You're definitely not obliged to sleep with him again. But I think right after sleeping with him (or ideally before) is a good time to establish what's up, whether you are exclusive, how he wants the relationship to progress. Then you are not left in your current situation where things are unclear and you are guessing at his feelings and motivations.

 

I totally understand your actions because I have been you! And it didn't serve me well. The only time I have ended up in a real, forward moving relationship (which is now) is when I stopped game playing and started being honest. And that included discussing "labels" and clearly communicating about where we were going.

 

Yeah, that's what I've been trying to establish for sure - to see where we are at and where we see this is going. I hate playing games, but I feel like games are played when they are utilized as a self defense mechanism to avoid being hurt. Truth be told, I'm not experienced with the "talk" at all and I don't know if it's going to drive the other person away if he gets the impression that I'm trying to take away his freedom. I'm also under the impression that these guys online could be getting a lot of attention from many women that committing to one person makes them feel like they are missing out on potentially "better" opportunities.

 

I'm actually surprised that he was so calm when I said I wanted him to get tested. I feel like people who are sleeping around would be offended or scared about that prospect.

[adilaurentis]

But he did ask.

 

According to your OP, he asked you to stay the following Friday night (you said no) and wanted you to stay on the Saturday night (when you said you had to leave by 8, thus creating the impression you had something/someone else lined up).

 

It's fine not to want to do sleep overs but why not just communicate with him whatever it is you DO want -- exclusive status, sex but no sleep-overs, whatever. Your current MO looks a lot like sabotage from where I sit.

 

That makes sense. However, I'm not getting any signals from him either that he wants an exclusive relationship, so I simply don't want to lay my heart out there and wait to get hurt. I've been receptive and open to guys before and nothing good ever came out of it. When I'm interested, I think they can tell - I'm agreeing to dates, I'm engaged, I come all the way over, I make an effort, I keep in touch, etc. Otherwise I wouldn't be so responsive. What's so hard for a guy to step up a bit more if they want more?

 

And it wasn't like I just decided I had someone else lined up that Saturday on the spot; I had mentioned that I wanted to go home by 8 or so when we planned the date earlier in the week and he said no problem.

[elaine567]

The only time I have ended up in a real, forward moving relationship (which is now) is when I stopped game playing and started being honest. And that included discussing "labels" and clearly communicating about where we were going.

 

The trick is that like a labour, all's well if things make some progress no matter how slow, it may not need be a lot of progress but progress all the same.

By sleeping with him and then refusing two other offers to sleep with him again Friday and Saturday, then he will have viewed that as a backward step, no progress made and an indication that you were not keen.

You also excluded him from seeing you Saturday night, which would have shown him that he was not priority and you were probably seeing some other guy... an assumption you chose to promote...

...and now you wonder why he isn't calling.

[Standard-Fare]

I'm a woman. If I slept with a guy on one date, then he showed zero signs of wanting that again on our next date, I'd be confused and possibly a little insulted. I'd question whether he was trying to take the friend-zone path.

 

As everyone agrees, you were by no means OBLIGATED to sleep with him a second time, but try to understand that he might have read your behavior as cooling off.

 

I echo the advice here to take the ball that's firmly in your court and make some moves with it.

[adilaurentis]

The trick is that like a labour, all's well if things make some progress no matter how slow, it may not need be a lot of progress but progress all the same.

By sleeping with him and then refusing two other offers to sleep with him again Friday and Saturday, then he will have viewed that as a backward step, no progress made and an indication that you were not keen.

You also excluded him from seeing you Saturday night, which would have shown him that he was not priority and you were probably seeing some other guy... an assumption you chose to promote...

...and now you wonder why he isn't calling.

 

Really appreciate all the perspectives here. But I really thought spending a whole day with him was already a big deal, regardless of what plans I may have had that evening. I was honest to say that I simply wanted to go home and I can't be held responsible for his belief that I was meeting up with some other guy.

 

And I'm still not convinced that him not calling now is because he was getting "mixed signals" from me or perhaps he was playing games himself to get a response out of me here. I'm simply frustrated that if something doesn't progress easily or smoothly, maybe there's something wrong with it.

[introverted1]

Really appreciate all the perspectives here. But I really thought spending a whole day with him was already a big deal, regardless of what plans I may have had that evening. I was honest to say that I simply wanted to go home and I can't be held responsible for his belief that I was meeting up with some other guy.

 

Ok, but you also did nothing to let him know that you weren't meeting up with another guy. So coming on the heels of your Friday night refusal, surely you can see how he may have interpreted your actions as cooling off.

 

• You had sex and slept over Saturday
  
• He made you breakfast
  
• He checked in with you Sunday night after you got home
  
• He texted you every day that week
  
• He invited you to a Saturday date and suggested that you sleep over the night before so you could get an early start - you declined
  
• Coming on the heels of declining, you set an arbitrary end time to your Saturday date -- 8pm -- without regard to how this timing might look to him and apparently ignoring his efforts to create a second sleep-over with you
  

 

Honestly, if anyone should be complaining about hot/cold behavior, it's him. His actions appear to be very clear and consistent.

 

And I'm still not convinced that him not calling now is because he was getting "mixed signals" from me or perhaps he was playing games himself to get a response out of me here. I'm simply frustrated that if something doesn't progress easily or smoothly, maybe there's something wrong with it.

 

Look at the timeline above. How many more times do you expect him to put himself out there with only a half-hearted response from you?

 

Things aren't progressing smoothly because you are stopping them.

Edited March 15, 2016 by introverted1

[adilaurentis]

 

• You had sex and slept over Saturday
  
• He made you breakfast
  
• He checked in with you Sunday night after you got home
  
• He texted you every day that week
  
• He invited you to a Saturday date and suggested that you sleep over the night before so you could get an early start - you declined
  
• Coming on the heels of declining, you set an arbitrary end time to your Saturday date -- 8pm -- without regard to how this timing might look to him and apparently ignoring his efforts to create a second sleep-over with you
  

 

 

Haha I'm impressed with this list/timeline. This is a completely accurate replay of my interaction with him in the past week or so.

 

I'm not opposed to reaching out to him at some point this week. I guess I'm just baffled that the last time I was semi-serious about a guy, we did everything right, we spent almost all weekends together, we slept over at each other's places, and then in the end just when I had my hopes up, he still said he didn't want a relationship when his ex bounced back into the picture. So this time around I'm leaning toward taking things slowly and at a more reasonable pace...

[Standard-Fare]

And I'm still not convinced that him not calling now is because he was getting "mixed signals" from me or perhaps he was playing games himself to get a response out of me here. I'm simply frustrated that if something doesn't progress easily or smoothly, maybe there's something wrong with it.

 

His confidence is shot. He isn't sure if you enjoyed sleeping with him and want to repeat that. He thinks you might just want to be friends who spend quality Saturday afternoons together.

 

It's possible the blow to his confidence has made him lose some interest. At the very least, he's playing it safe by not pursuing you as intently as he had in the past.

 

Time to let this guy off the hook. You owe him some confirmation that you're interested in him romantically.

[introverted1]

 

I'm not opposed to reaching out to him at some point this week. I guess I'm just baffled that the last time I was semi-serious about a guy, we did everything right, we spent almost all weekends together, we slept over at each other's places, and then in the end just when I had my hopes up, he still said he didn't want a relationship when his ex bounced back into the picture. So this time around I'm leaning toward taking things slowly and at a more reasonable pace...

 

That's fine, but communicate! Tell him, I really enjoyed our time last Saturday night, and I am enjoying spending time with you. I want to build a solid foundation for us, so I'd like to take things slow (although, personally, I think taking it slow after you've had sex is a bit like shutting the barn door after the horse is out, but that's just me).

 

I mean, use whatever words you want, but by leaving him to guess at it, you are pretty much guaranteeing that this relationship will also become toast, which will just solidify your position for next time.

 

He's not in your head, doesn't know that you are expecting your relationship with him to pattern after your last relationship (which is not a realistic expectation imo unless you ignored red flags or became a clinger), so all he can do is judge based on YOUR actions. So let your actions, and your words, communicate clearly.

[adilaurentis]

That's fine, but communicate! Tell him, I really enjoyed our time last Saturday night, and I am enjoying spending time with you. I want to build a solid foundation for us, so I'd like to take things slow (although, personally, I think taking it slow after you've had sex is a bit like shutting the barn door after the horse is out, but that's just me).

 

I mean, use whatever words you want, but by leaving him to guess at it, you are pretty much guaranteeing that this relationship will also become toast, which will just solidify your position for next time.

 

He's not in your head, doesn't know that you are expecting your relationship with him to pattern after your last relationship (which is not a realistic expectation imo unless you ignored red flags or became a clinger), so all he can do is judge based on YOUR actions. So let your actions, and your words, communicate clearly.

 

Good point, although I still think when someone's interested it's usually quite obvious. I'm showing all signs of interest except verbal confirmation, so I don't know how much more is still needed here. I'm waiting for a confirmation from him too. I always feel like if he's the right guy, you can't really do the wrong thing with him; but if he's the the wrong guy, nothing you do will be right.

 

I did reach out to check on him earlier. He still sounds a bit less enthusiastic than before to me but maybe I'm reading too much. His parents are also coming in town to visit him for two weeks so I doubt I'll be seeing him anytime soon. If he cares, he'll still keep in touch with me in some shape or form; if not, I guess I have my answer here.

[basil67]

Isn't the fact that he's wanting to give up a fair slab of his weekend for you sign enough that he's interested in you?

As far as I can see, he was keen until you started pulling away. You need to step up or walk away.

[NinjaX]

This is a prime example of a woman who is either consciously or unconsciously holding back from a blooming relationship. The man gave you so many green lights and you decide to press on the brakes at the most frustrating times for the man.

 

Naturally, every man will back off.

[adilaurentis]

Isn't the fact that he's wanting to give up a fair slab of his weekend for you sign enough that he's interested in you?

As far as I can see, he was keen until you started pulling away. You need to step up or walk away.

 

Sure, but I was doing the same thing there - giving him an entire day of my weekend.

 

I really appreciate all the perspectives here but I guess I just fail to understand why being honest about what I'm comfortable with at the moment could turn out to be a sign that "I'm pulling away." I declined his invitation to sleep over Friday night very nicely and I said way ahead of time that I wanted to go home Saturday night after our day trip. Since when was doing what makes you comfortable a sign of disinterest or "playing" somebody?

 

I think it's one thing to be disappointed, but it's a bit unreasonable to expect someone to suddenly sleep with you every other day, and if they don't, you think they are a tease. It takes time to build up to that level of intimacy and connection, man.

[NinjaX]

Sure, but I was doing the same thing there - giving him an entire day of my weekend.

 

I really appreciate all the perspectives here but I guess I just fail to understand why being honest about what I'm comfortable with at the moment could turn out to be a sign that "I'm pulling away." I declined his invitation to sleep over Friday night very nicely and I said way ahead of time that I wanted to go home Saturday night after our day trip. Since when was doing what makes you comfortable a sign of disinterest or "playing" somebody?

 

I think it's one thing to be disappointed, but it's a bit unreasonable to expect someone to suddenly sleep with you every other day, and if they don't, you think they are a tease. It takes time to build up to that level of intimacy and connection, man.

 

If you feel more comfortable going home to do nothing rather than spend an intimate night with a man who is putting the efforts to court your properly, how is a man not going to read that as disinterest?

[adilaurentis]

If you feel more comfortable going home to do nothing rather than spend an intimate night with a man who is putting the efforts to court your properly, how is a man not going to read that as disinterest?

 

Alright, I was simply thinking that a whole day was a big enough of a commitment for the early dating stage that if you want to set something at a reasonable pace, you don't need to spend every waking hours together. Plus, I'm giving out signs of interest in a million other ways, or I wouldn't be still seeing him and talking with him at this point.

 

If that was the case, I guess the damage is done and he's pulling back for sure. I reached out earlier and he definitely sounds less enthusiastic or mad at me, but he still responded...

[NinjaX]

Alright, I was simply thinking that a whole day was a big enough of a commitment for the early dating stage that if you want to set something at a reasonable pace, you don't need to spend every waking hours together. Plus, I'm giving out signs of interest in a million other ways, or I wouldn't be still seeing him and talking with him at this point.

 

If that was the case, I guess the damage is done and he's pulling back for sure. I reached out earlier and he definitely sounds less enthusiastic or mad at me, but he still responded...

 

Denial of sex is one of the biggest blow to the man's ego. I certainly understand if this is the 1-3rd date, but you two have been intimate before.

 

If a man is putting the efforts to spend a whole day to bond with you and make you comfortable, you know what? He wants you PHYSICALLY. No amount of flirting/signs of interest during the date matters if you deny him sex at this stage.

 

From what I see, he's been a gentleman to not show anger or frustration towards you, but as a man, I know that inside, that would be how he feels.

 

If you value him, you need to make him feel special. His ego is a little bruised and he felt that his efforts didn't lead him to a successful intimate ending that he hoped her. Make him dinner, invite him to your place. Make it EASY for you two to be together.