WTF is going on here? First "relationship" after wife's affair

[TeddyPSmith]

People who are resolved don't become addicted to others.

 

Maybe that's what I should focus on. Seems to be more of a bitch to fix though

[kendahke]

Maybe that's what I should focus on. Seems to be more of a bitch to fix though

 

It's tough now, but once you've gotten it addressed, you'll never have to deal with it again, unless you choose to forget or ignore.

[neowulf]

If you've become addicted to her, then this isn't about love. You're using her to fill an emotional void that you haven't addressed yet and as long as you're looking at her as a life preserver to save you from drowning, she's going to keep backing up.

 

People who are resolved don't become addicted to others.

 

There aren't enough likes for this post.

 

Ask yourself OP, how much of this is about her.. and how much of it is about you.

 

Love is about wanting to give to another. Not about feeding a personal need.

[TeddyPSmith]

I almost agree. I DO want to give and to love. I say addicted because I'm hung up on some type of loop that won't allow me to proceed forward. She is keeping me at a certain position that prevents me from moving forward but is enough to keep me from retreating. The addiction part reveals itself when I think about removing myself from the situation. It feels like I'm trying to stop smoking. Does that make sense?

[Mumbles]

Married for 8 years. Separated for 11 months. Divorce final next month. We both have our own homes. I just mean that we hadn't loved each other for at least a year or two before we separated.

 

Mmm. I know that mentally this all sounds like enough time but I really wonder.

 

In my case I was married for 10 years, lost most of the sex after about 4-5, and basically all of it after 5-6 lost the love for probably 2 or more (and essentially became house mates in reality), largely lived our own lives under the same roof. Lived separately in our own homes for about 18 months - 2 years before divorce came through.

 

There is something really final about that last stamp of divorce approval. Don't discount its impact. The rest of the time you're faffing about.

 

I bounced off a number of ladies post separation and pretty much, for most of the time, I thought I was mentally ok, in a good place after the suffering of the marriage. But I was wrong and its worth really having a think about the posts here.

[TeddyPSmith]

Thank you all for your wisdom. I can admit that I have some thinking to do about myself. I just want to add one thing that relates more to HER actions.

 

 

I recently spent a week out of the country with a female friend (friends of 20+ years). It wasn't until I left for this trip that the girl im seeing suddenly became overtly interested. Im talking daily texts, blowing kisses, want to take it to next level, "I like you", etc. You get the picture. The minute I get back and am ready for some of these things to materialize, its back to the same. No more affectionate texts, cryptic plans for dates, unanswered texts when im affectionate.

 

 

So this to me seems that its less about me being ready for a relationship and more about her toying with me. Are there any other possibilities? How do I handle this as a gentleman?

[preraph]

My read on it, with what you've given me to go on, is that she's not really emotionally attached to you but hates to run off what might be a good prospect because she needs someone financially and as a father, helper with her kids. Doesn't sound like a big love affair, though. It's very hard for a single mother to find time to do anything without her kids, and yet they shouldn't be introducing kids to new men anytime soon either, so that's certainly a factor as well.

[elaine567]

I recently spent a week out of the country with a female friend (friends of 20+ years).

And you wonder why she is keeping you at arm's length?

[TeddyPSmith]

My read on it, with what you've given me to go on, is that she's not really emotionally attached to you but hates to run off what might be a good prospect because she needs someone financially and as a father, helper with her kids. Doesn't sound like a big love affair, though. It's very hard for a single mother to find time to do anything without her kids, and yet they shouldn't be introducing kids to new men anytime soon either, so that's certainly a factor as well.

 

I tend to agree with this

[TeddyPSmith]

And you wonder why she is keeping you at arm's length?

 

No, she has kept me at arms length for 4 months. This trip was very recent and was the only thing that caused her to move forward with me.

[neowulf]

I almost agree. I DO want to give and to love. I say addicted because I'm hung up on some type of loop that won't allow me to proceed forward. She is keeping me at a certain position that prevents me from moving forward but is enough to keep me from retreating. The addiction part reveals itself when I think about removing myself from the situation. It feels like I'm trying to stop smoking. Does that make sense?

 

Perfectly.

 

You're infatuated with her. Of course you feel a drug like pull.

 

Just don't make the mistake of thinking because you feel that way, that it's a sensible decision to get carried away with her.

 

You're hurt, wounded. If you break a leg, you don't get to "decide" when it's done healing. It takes as long as it takes. You just have to deal with it in the mean time.

 

The same occurs with emotional wounding. For better or worse, you've lost a marriage. A big chunk of time, love, commitment. I'm assuming the entire marriage wasn't an endless nightmare for you. I mean, you married the woman. There must have been something about her you loved.

 

What you're describing is a classic rebound. There's not judgement here for that. We've all done it at some point. Just saying, you need to be patient and give yourself time.

 

It sounds like you're pushing for something that she's simply not comfortable with as yet. It suggests and urgency to take things to the next level. But it's only been 4 months.

People all have their own baggage and we can't really comment on what she's doing. But perhaps she's responding to your own need and it's making her pull away.

Edited March 16, 2016 by neowulf

[Mumbles]

So this to me seems that its less about me being ready for a relationship and more about her toying with me. Are there any other possibilities? How do I handle this as a gentleman?

 

I wouldn't read it quite that way.

 

I'm of the opinion that she -is- in fact interested in you and was feeling more than just a little bit jealous when you went away with another girl.

 

But as many have already said, you appear to be in the classic run-of-the-mill rebound stage of post separation/divorce. If we strangers with only a few words between us can see that I'm 100% certain that she'll have picked up on it.

 

I don't think anyone's having a go at you here, just stating what appears to be the current state of affairs.

 

So give both of you the chance to heal and grow - if thats to be together then so be it. If not, well, lets the chips fall, but no hard feelings either way.

 

However, having said all that, I'm not going to win any forum friends for this, but my own experiences, during and post separation and divorce as well as having now remarried is that 'life is too short'.

 

I won't ever martyr myself to what might be ever again.

 

In your situation, I'd be happy to pursue this lady at a low level, given thats what she seems to want, if I thought she was lovely enough and maybe there was a good future - but I absolutely wouldn't let this deter me from pursuing for sex, love or friendship other women.

 

Though I thoroughly believe that you are not yet ready, the ball is still in her court. Until she tosses it back, and you are in a place to receive it, well ....

[TeddyPSmith]

Neowulf and Mumbles, brilliant. I respect and admire your wisdom. You're right. If everyone here can see it and I'm assuming it's from your own personal experience, I suppose she can too. I've decided that a lot of the angst I feel is that I've placed all of my eggs in one basket. If she doesn't want to be the rebound and is convinced I'll have one, I might as well find one. It's no offense to her but it appears that I have an insatiable need for something. I might as well satisfy it. If she's around after, all the better. I hope that doesn't sound too brutish.

[Miss Peach]

Then don't date her. it's as simple as that.

 

Dating is about finding someone compatible with whom we can develop a deeper connection. Why insist on having this with a woman obviously who doesn't want the same? You being infatuated with her is irrelevant. Trust me, in the past 4 years dating and looking for 'the one' I have let go of many men I was totally infatuated with because it made no logic to pursue someone not aiming at the same as me.

 

And to answer your question, yes 4 months is plenty, actually we know pretty quickly if someone is long term relationship for us. 3-4 dates and people know. Men know if they will fall in love within 1-2 months, a woman within 3-4 months on average.

 

I agree with most of this. I knew by 4 months I wanted something more with my BF.

 

I think it took me at least a year post divorce before I could attract anyone remotely healthy for a relationship. But in the meantime I'll admit it was nice being wanted again.

[TeddyPSmith]

A bit of an update: since writing this, we've spent quite a bit of time together and gotten pretty physical. She's basically asking if I plan on seeing other people and claims that she hasn't been dating anyone else nor had plans to. She says she just wanted to make sure she was ready for this. I've confronted her about her sudden change of heart and told her that it seemed odd for her not to be very into me and now to seem VERY into me. She actually got upset with me and tried to turn it around on me.

 

 

For some reason, I still smell something fishy. I should mention that I'm pretty well off and she barely scrapes by. I keep thinking that maybe she's got my $$$ on her mind. I wish I knew how to smoke out a rat.

[kgcolonel]

One interesting observation you may want to look at....if you have any vacation time....take a trip alone or with someone else or take some time away from her exploring other interests....look to see if she becomes more affectionate again...if she does...there is a syndrome called the yo-yo syndrome....the more she sees you as being independent, the more attractive you become to her. The more available you appear to her the less attractive you are to her. This tends to be a perpetual cycle with no end...just a thought.

[neowulf]

For some reason, I still smell something fishy. I should mention that I'm pretty well off and she barely scrapes by. I keep thinking that maybe she's got my $$$ on her mind. I wish I knew how to smoke out a rat.

 

Easy.

 

Slow. It. Down.

 

Don't make promises you're not ready to make. Don't rush into something super serious when clearly you're not ready to.

 

The fact you're doubting this woman's motives means you don't trust her. Fair enough. Trust is earned, over time, with experience.

 

Enjoy each others company, date a while, until you become more sure about your own feelings on this.

 

Right now it seems the whole situation is being "forced" a little from both sides. Don't be afraid to let the relationship "breath".

[Blanco]

I'm biased because this scenario hits a little close to home, but I commend this woman for looking at the situation rationally even though she would theoretically stand to gain a lot from this situation (i.e. a father for her child). I don't think dating casually is after separation or recent divorce is a bad thing, but serious relationships in those situations kind of make me cringe.

 

I've only been through bad breakups and even then, I wasn't in any mentally sound place to entertain a healthy LTR for a while after that. There's always the chance that someone fresh from a marriage has met someone that truly is for them, but often times, I think it's just a case of the recently divorced not feeling comfortable alone and getting high off the intoxication of feeling wanted again.

[Blanco]

One interesting observation you may want to look at....if you have any vacation time....take a trip alone or with someone else or take some time away from her exploring other interests....look to see if she becomes more affectionate again...if she does...there is a syndrome called the yo-yo syndrome....the more she sees you as being independent, the more attractive you become to her. The more available you appear to her the less attractive you are to her. This tends to be a perpetual cycle with no end...just a thought.

 

So true. I lived with my last ex for half of the three-year relationship, so it was rare for that portion of the relationship to go long without seeing each other. When I was there and available, she was usually... meh. I was just someone to talk to or help out around the home with the kids. But on the rare instance I was gone overnight or for a weekend, she came on strong when I returned, only to have that cool off tremendously within a day or two.

[Blanco]

Easy.

 

Slow. It. Down.

 

Don't make promises you're not ready to make. Don't rush into something super serious when clearly you're not ready to.

 

The fact you're doubting this woman's motives means you don't trust her. Fair enough. Trust is earned, over time, with experience.

 

Enjoy each others company, date a while, until you become more sure about your own feelings on this.

 

Right now it seems the whole situation is being "forced" a little from both sides. Don't be afraid to let the relationship "breath".

 

Sound advice. Honestly, right now, you should just enjoy something casual. I understand she is a single mom, so neither of you wanna waste time on something that isn't leading somewhere. But this desire to jump right back into something resembling what you just left (a long-term relationship that will probably become routine and flawed before you know it), you should just enjoy getting to know someone, or preferably, many people.

 

I understand that coupling up may feel more comfortable, but in cases like this, I think too many people are willing to take on major responsibilities (such as helping raise someone else's kid) just for that instant gratification that comes with a new relationship.

[kendahke]

A bit of an update: since writing this, we've spent quite a bit of time together and gotten pretty physical. She's basically asking if I plan on seeing other people and claims that she hasn't been dating anyone else nor had plans to. She says she just wanted to make sure she was ready for this. I've confronted her about her sudden change of heart and told her that it seemed odd for her not to be very into me and now to seem VERY into me. She actually got upset with me and tried to turn it around on me.

 

 

For some reason, I still smell something fishy. I should mention that I'm pretty well off and she barely scrapes by. I keep thinking that maybe she's got my $$$ on her mind. I wish I knew how to smoke out a rat.

 

The reason is your intuition. Never discount it or allow someone to talk you out of what you're perceiving.

 

Wow... she got mad because you peeped her game. The guilty make the most noise.

 

Your observations are quite valid--it does seem strange that when "competition" presented itself, she amped up interest that before she wasn't too pressed in showing you. I"d be questioning that, too. Some women think men "fell off the turnip truck yesterday" and are too stupid to see them forthcoming.

 

Well, one way you could smoke her out is mention what a good idea iron-clad prenups are and that you'd never marry anyone without one.

[elaine567]

 

Well, one way you could smoke her out is mention what a good idea iron-clad prenups are and that you'd never marry anyone without one.

 

But that is pretty aggressive and offensive, if someone made a point of saying that to me, early on, I would think he thought of me as a gold digger, and if that is is all he thinks of me, he can take a hike.

[kendahke]

But that is pretty aggressive and offensive, if someone made a point of saying that to me, early on, I would think he thought of me as a gold digger, and if that is is all he thinks of me, he can take a hike.

 

and that is precisely the response that's needed, which is why I said it.

 

If you were also engaging in sketchy behavior at the same time, then you need to be smoked out.

[TeddyPSmith]

The reason is your intuition. Never discount it or allow someone to talk you out of what you're perceiving. QUOTE]

 

I cant ignore it no matter how hard I try. Ive brought up twice how I felt that she wasn't really into me and she got a huffy-puffy about it. Even suggested that I should never bring it up again. I thought to myself "K bye". She ended up walking it back the next day and said that I could express my feelings but I should know that it upset her. If I were in her shoes, I think id be doing everything I could to make the other person feel comforted and at ease.

 

 

There are only two things that make me doubt my intuition: 1) that maybe I have trust issues because of my ex's affair 2) I like her so much that I'm willing to overlook or ignore warning signs.

[TeddyPSmith]

As for the pre-nup, I don't know that I could say that to her. Not that I disagree with the intention. It's just out of character for me. Actually id prefer to make it clear that I have little interest in getting married again but would very much enjoy companionship.