TeddyPSmith Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 Ill try to keep this brief. Separated, wife had affair, divorced in a month. Been talking to (mostly daily texting) a girl for 4 months. She's a single mom and works nights. I have my child half the time. Seeing each other has been difficult. We might see each other twice a month. I try to make plans with her but often it seems to fall apart. She keeps saying she wants to take it slow and I haven't objected. She says she wants to make sure I'm in a good place after what happened to me. However I feel like I'm being held at arm's length and have a hard time trusting her reasons. She's so cryptic. She mentioned that she feels like she "needs" someone and that she probably cant do this by herself forever. Also feels like her son needs a father. It feels unhealthy for me and is getting quite painful. Feels like another failure right after a failed marriage. I almost feel addicted to her though. Is it normal for someone to take so long to know how they feel? If you like someone and they like you back, isn't it easier than this? I feel like I may be suffering some "love addiction" symptoms and it's making it hard for me to see things clearly. Anyway, thanks for any advice you can give.
central Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 I'd say she's not into you. If you really think someone has potential, you don't make excuses, you find ways to get together. Move on, and find someone who wants to date you. You may well be a backup plan to someone else she likes more. 3
PegNosePete Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 I feel like I'm being held at arm's length and have a hard time trusting her reasons. She's so cryptic. She mentioned that she feels like she "needs" someone and that she probably cant do this by herself forever. Also feels like her son needs a father. It feels unhealthy for me and is getting quite painful. Feels like another failure right after a failed marriage. I would trust those feelings. You are having them for a reason. She says she wants to make sure you're in a good place but it sounds to me that she isn't ready for a healthy relationship. I almost feel addicted to her though. Yeah, not uncommon in a rebound relationship. You seek the closeness and intimacy that you shared with someone for so long, and now that is over, you're seeing the same kind of connection with someone else, whether it exists or not. Unfortunately I'd say in this case it doesn't exist and you need to move on. 7
Redhead14 Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 Ill try to keep this brief. Separated, wife had affair, divorced in a month. Been talking to (mostly daily texting) a girl for 4 months. She's a single mom and works nights. I have my child half the time. Seeing each other has been difficult. We might see each other twice a month. I try to make plans with her but often it seems to fall apart. She keeps saying she wants to take it slow and I haven't objected. She says she wants to make sure I'm in a good place after what happened to me. However I feel like I'm being held at arm's length and have a hard time trusting her reasons. She's so cryptic. She mentioned that she feels like she "needs" someone and that she probably cant do this by herself forever. Also feels like her son needs a father. It feels unhealthy for me and is getting quite painful. Feels like another failure right after a failed marriage. I almost feel addicted to her though. Is it normal for someone to take so long to know how they feel? If you like someone and they like you back, isn't it easier than this? I feel like I may be suffering some "love addiction" symptoms and it's making it hard for me to see things clearly. Anyway, thanks for any advice you can give. In the dating world, people are "sensitive" to the fact that people who are recently divorced and "recovering" from that pain and understand that these people struggle with the aftermath for quite some time. Oftentimes, a person who is fresh out of a hurtful relationship situation, will rush into a new relationship because they are seeking comfort and distraction from it all and at some point pull away because of it. She's so cryptic -- She says she wants to make sure I'm in a good place after what happened to me. -- She isn't being cryptic at all. It's is wise for a person in your position to simply date casually and not have the goal of finding a new relationship too soon. She is being wise I think to protect herself and her heart. You would be wise to do the same for quite some time. 2
kendahke Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 I think it might be a bit too soon for you to be entering into a relationship when you are still in the process of dissolving your divorce and probably haven't resolved a lot of those issues. Could be why she's wanting to take things slowly with you. Plenty of men out of marriages rush into the bed of a new woman to keep from being alone and it's all wrong because they are not at peace within themselves. I think she's being very wise to keep you at arm's length right now. If your divorce was final and this was about 18 months after the decree was executed, then I'd say she was being cryptic. But no--she's far more aware of your turmoil than you are and good on her for putting on brakes. 4
Author TeddyPSmith Posted March 15, 2016 Author Posted March 15, 2016 I understand what you are saying about her being wise to keep me at a distance. However, my marriage wasn't over one year ago. My STBXW had an affair because it was over with years ago. I know that I want someone else in my life. Ive been "single" for all intents and purposes for quite some time. Ive gone on dates and talked with other girls that didn't seem to have any issue with this because we communicated in clear and concise language about our expectations. That communication is missing with this girl. I feel like there might be some issues with her (playing games, immaturity as she's much younger, scars from previous relationships, just plain isn't that into me, or maybe wants more of a business proposition). I appreciate the comments but I want to get the facts out before I get berated with "youre not ready" and "shes so wise".
Gaeta Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 I feel like I may be suffering some "love addiction" symptoms and it's making it hard for me to see things clearly. Anyway, thanks for any advice you can give. This is very common for people just coming out of relationships to fall head over heels for the first love interest crossing their path. You're on the rebound, she's your emotional band-aid. She knows it, she likes you but she also knows better than to get involved with a man in your situation. If you are in need of having someone in your life, someone that won't keep you at arm's length, someone that will help you transit through your divorce, she's not the one. 2
Author TeddyPSmith Posted March 15, 2016 Author Posted March 15, 2016 She has also asked about me seeing other people and while we didn't agree to any rules, I feel that she would be upset if I did.
Author TeddyPSmith Posted March 15, 2016 Author Posted March 15, 2016 Thanks Gaeta but she isn't the first person Ive dated. She is just the most advanced person.
Gaeta Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 I feel like there might be some issues with her (playing games, immaturity as she's much younger, scars from previous relationships, just plain isn't that into me, or maybe wants more of a business proposition). Then don't date her. it's as simple as that. Dating is about finding someone compatible with whom we can develop a deeper connection. Why insist on having this with a woman obviously who doesn't want the same? You being infatuated with her is irrelevant. Trust me, in the past 4 years dating and looking for 'the one' I have let go of many men I was totally infatuated with because it made no logic to pursue someone not aiming at the same as me. And to answer your question, yes 4 months is plenty, actually we know pretty quickly if someone is long term relationship for us. 3-4 dates and people know. Men know if they will fall in love within 1-2 months, a woman within 3-4 months on average. 2
Gaeta Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 She has also asked about me seeing other people and while we didn't agree to any rules, I feel that she would be upset if I did. Oh that famous: I don't want you but I don't want others to have you either. It means nothing. 1
Author TeddyPSmith Posted March 15, 2016 Author Posted March 15, 2016 Then don't date her. it's as simple as that. As I said, I feel like I've become addicted to her. Im not proud of this. No need to berate me about it. Im just trying to sort out if it is reasonable for someone to take so long to know if theyre into you. I agree that people know quickly. That's why my gut is telling me one thing but my heart (or maybe an overactive limbic system) says another.
Gaeta Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 As I said, I feel like I've become addicted to her. Im not proud of this. No need to berate me about it. Im just trying to sort out if it is reasonable for someone to take so long to know if theyre into you. I agree that people know quickly. That's why my gut is telling me one thing but my heart (or maybe an overactive limbic system) says another. And I am telling you to quit your addiction. It's not because you love someone that they are good to love. No, you don't need 4 months to make up your mind about dating a man. Good luck with everything. Sometimes, actually most of the time, we need to learn our lesson ourselves. 2
SammySammy Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 She doesn't want to be a rebound relationship for you. That would most likely lead to more heartache and disappointment for her and her child. I think she's wise to take it slow. May be a good idea for you to do the same. 4
Author TeddyPSmith Posted March 15, 2016 Author Posted March 15, 2016 She doesn't want to be a rebound relationship for you. That would most likely lead to more heartache and disappointment for her and her child. Except that she's brought her child around me many times, asked about going on vacations with her child, and mentioned going to church.
brothers343 Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 I would listen to some of the posters and take your time trying to find someone. Sometimes people rush into things that they are not ready to handle. All she is doing is covering her back, plus she has a child she needs to worry about also. Just go with the flow. The worst has passed which was your ex and the affair. Good luck. 1
GorillaTheater Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 Except that she's brought her child around me many times, asked about going on vacations with her child, and mentioned going to church. Yeah, you're definitely getting some mixed signals, although if you've met her kid "many times", it seems that you're seeing her a lot more often than your previous posts suggest. Have you sat down with her and had a serious conversation about what the two of you want out of this relationship? 1
SammySammy Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 Except that she's brought her child around me many times, asked about going on vacations with her child, and mentioned going to church. Right. The point being rebound relationships rarely last. Once you get over your marriage, chances are you'll move on to someone else. Thus, heartbreak and disappointment for her. Something any sensible person would seek to avoid. That's why she's taking it slow. And why most of us are advising you to slow down also. To give yourself time to heal and make sure this relationship is what you really want. And to ensure this woman this is what you really want. 2
Author TeddyPSmith Posted March 15, 2016 Author Posted March 15, 2016 thanks for all of your advice and I do agree with the sentiment of taking it slow. I think I'm just trying to ensure that this person is worth taking it slow with. Ive invested some time, energy, and emotion into it and I want to figure out if its worth investing more. If she isn't genuine, I should probably cut my losses. Or I could do some work on myself (doing this anyway) and continue seeing her in the meantime. It's also possible that im completely insecure and wanting more reassurance/commitment/attention than she's willing to give. It's hard to tell.
elaine567 Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 It's also possible that im completely insecure and wanting more reassurance/commitment/attention than she's willing to give. It's hard to tell. Well, that is what happens when you are not really ready to date. 3
Author TeddyPSmith Posted March 15, 2016 Author Posted March 15, 2016 For the record, I am over my marriage. I would be fine in a healthy relationship. Ive been single (married but alone) for years. The affair was a major blow to the ego and probably affects my trust but I am ready to love someone. I just cant get past this one. :/
Gaeta Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 For the record, I am over my marriage. I would be fine in a healthy relationship. Ive been single (married but alone) for years. The affair was a major blow to the ego and probably affects my trust but I am ready to love someone. I just cant get past this one. :/ Were you living under the same roof? You never mentioned you were separated If you separated years ago why the divorce is only final in a month?
Author TeddyPSmith Posted March 15, 2016 Author Posted March 15, 2016 Married for 8 years. Separated for 11 months. Divorce final next month. We both have our own homes. I just mean that we hadn't loved each other for at least a year or two before we separated.
Author TeddyPSmith Posted March 15, 2016 Author Posted March 15, 2016 Well, that is what happens when you are not really ready to date. Good point!
kendahke Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 As I said, I feel like I've become addicted to her. Im not proud of this. No need to berate me about it. Im just trying to sort out if it is reasonable for someone to take so long to know if theyre into you. I agree that people know quickly. That's why my gut is telling me one thing but my heart (or maybe an overactive limbic system) says another. If you've become addicted to her, then this isn't about love. You're using her to fill an emotional void that you haven't addressed yet and as long as you're looking at her as a life preserver to save you from drowning, she's going to keep backing up. People who are resolved don't become addicted to others. 6
Recommended Posts