2much4 Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 Those past weeks my healing has absolutely skyrocketted. My self-confidence is back, I never think about my ex- unless I have to see him. Every time we cross paths I get very anxious (doesn't really matter if I say hi or ignore him, both is awkward). After those encouters I always feel anxious for a few hours without any real reason. Moving away is not an option. Any of you out there have advice on how to deal with it? How to make the encounters less awkward, how to calm down....and most importantly how not to give a **** whatever the outcome may be? I want it to be like meeting a random acquaintance I'm not that fond of. How do I achieve that?
ExpatInItaly Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 First of all, you're not feeling anxious "for no reason." You have a darn good reason to feel stirred up after you see him. It's normal when you run into someone who was once close and now isn't. So be patient with yourself about that. Second, time is the best healer in this case. You will eventually arrive at the point of indifference, but it can take a while to get there, in my experience. 3
PegNosePete Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 I want it to be like meeting a random acquaintance I'm not that fond of. How do I achieve that? Fake it til you make it. How would you normally treat a random acquaintance you're not that fond of? Blank them, say hi through gritted teeth, smile sarcastically? However you would treat that random acquaintance, treat your ex like that. As Expat stated, it's not for no reason (give yourself a break!), and remember it takes time. 2
d0nnivain Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 Are there any particular places you know he'll be? Can you avoid them? Meaning stay out of his favorite bar or change dry cleaners. Otherwise, just focus on your self talk. Remind yourself that you are a good catch & it's his loss.
mightycpa Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 There's only two ways to avoid feeling like that: 1) Avoid it at all costs. 2) Do it enough to desensitize yourself. If you feel anxiety at the mere sight of him, and you're not willing to change geographies, then #1 is out, and your only option is #2. Instead of less, do more. It's counterintuitive, but it's true. You might start by stalking. Observe him from a distance as often as you can until it feels ok. The next step is looking him in the eye, and doing that enough until it has no effect. The risk you run is rekindling your emotions, so this is a risky strategy. Only you know if you're immune to that. It doesn't sound that way. I do know this. If you keep doing what you're doing, it will take forever for you to get rid of the anxiety.
Jersey born raised Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 Your feelings may be based on someone you value passing a negative judgment on you that still echo in your emotions and hurt your self-esteem. What would your reaction be if a person you casual knew you made harsh comments about you? How much emotional validity would you give it as opposed to only a concern false information is being spread about you? There is huge difference. So what makes you feel as you do? We know the feeling, we need the what. 1
losangelena Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 I want it to be like meeting a random acquaintance I'm not that fond of. How do I achieve that? The only way I've found is through repeated exposure, and time. Hang in there.
brothers343 Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 I would go up to him and tell him this....(what you once were....your no more) and i would keep walking. For one it will show that he has no power over you and two he will know he has no power over you. Plus this takes balls and he will feel like he has none. Good luck.
Author 2much4 Posted March 16, 2016 Author Posted March 16, 2016 Your feelings may be based on someone you value passing a negative judgment on you that still echo in your emotions and hurt your self-esteem. What would your reaction be if a person you casual knew you made harsh comments about you? How much emotional validity would you give it as opposed to only a concern false information is being spread about you? There is huge difference. So what makes you feel as you do? We know the feeling, we need the what. Spot on. For several months the idea of going to work without make up made me physically sick. I struggled with a lot of self esteem issues after the break up. This has gotten a lot better though. I don't really care how I look anymore.
Author 2much4 Posted March 16, 2016 Author Posted March 16, 2016 There's only two ways to avoid feeling like that: 1) Avoid it at all costs. 2) Do it enough to desensitize yourself. If you feel anxiety at the mere sight of him, and you're not willing to change geographies, then #1 is out, and your only option is #2. Instead of less, do more. It's counterintuitive, but it's true. You might start by stalking. Observe him from a distance as often as you can until it feels ok. The next step is looking him in the eye, and doing that enough until it has no effect. The risk you run is rekindling your emotions, so this is a risky strategy. Only you know if you're immune to that. It doesn't sound that way. I do know this. If you keep doing what you're doing, it will take forever for you to get rid of the anxiety. An exercise I have started to do recently is instead of blanking him, look him straight in the eye, nod and say hi. It has helped me to stop caring what I look like (mentioned in my other post), what he thinks of me, it helped me get rid of a lot of anger.... I feel a lot less sick around him than I used to. It's kind of bothering me though, because by now I should be completely indifferent. The emotions I fear rekindling the most are anger, and feeling ugly. After we broke up I felt so ugly looking at the mirror made me sick. I don't feel that way anymore, it was probably due to the cheating. 1
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