NC Day 100 - come to my party!

[Cymbeline]

This is a great explanation. I realise people take different paths, and that encouragement and cheerleading with fellow APs could be a first step out, but there is little challenge or true introspection happening when chatting with fellow APs, despite the support gained from people in similar states.

 

Jenkins pointed out that counselling begins with processing the affair and that he was using the OW/M forum to do this. He is right , but counselling with a proper psychologist would not have been like this.

 

There has to be a depth of psychological challenge in order to change character and it hurts. It is probably more truly painful to examine ones ultimate destructiveness and character flaws than to get over the pain of losing an AP, and the work of changing oneself far harder than the work of 'losing' feelings of love for the AP.

 

That's why I believe qualified and experience professional help is in the end, quicker and more thorough.

 

Without wanting to drag up negativity, the list of complaints against the wife and marriage given last Summer were pretty damning of her and the relationship at face value. To me they seem to have been glossed over or easily forgotten. Perhaps a lot more energy should be Put into examining them, or, if they are truly not as serious as suggested, into looking at the state of consciousness that allowed such thinking?

 

It's not enough to say that a WS demonises their spouse in order to participate in the affair. What is in one than allows this? Because it is a horrendous to be on the receiving end.

 

The WS (and by association the AP) again and again list the character and behavioural defects of the spouse. Yet there is no relationship that happens in a vacuum. A persons behaviour is always a response to a dynamic in the relationship and the WS is half of that dynamic. When an AP on the forum (usually a female one) explains why the MMs marriage is bad - because the wife is ...etc, the wilfull blindness is astounding. Because if she were to be in the relationship as the wife, something in the WS would eventually cause some variation of the dynamic with her.

 

If one partner withholds affection, something is going on to spark that. If one is critical, the partner is in some way a factor in that. You can only participate in a relationship with a second person acting as a foil to that behaviour in some way, even if all you are doing is enabling it.

 

this is why changing oneself is key to any change at all. And it usually takes changing ones thought processes at a deep level, rather than simply changing behaviour which is fairly superficial.

 

 

 

 

 

Insight requires challenging oneself.....it is not sitting back and patting oneself on the back for no longer engaging negative behaviours. One has to replace whatever thought processes that brought them to that point.....or nothing really has changed within.

 

I will tell you....that some of the wisest/gentle souls that I have met....have done some not so nice things to others or themselves in the past. There is a knowingness in them.....a foresight of life....a quietness.....because they see things so far out.

 

They are the ones that delved deep within......and came out taking full responsibility for the havoc they wrecked in their life and the innocent loved ones. They worked hard to replace/repair whatever needed replacing. They listened. They celebrated and cherished the healing within and the healing of those that they hurt.

 

 

To add to your alcoholic analogy....counsellors strongly encourage their client to stop tying their new life choices to their former drinking buddy/s. Most....refuse to take on couples together because the relationship is so toxic that whether or not one is all-in or not....failure likelihood is higher. The goal is to strengthen the individual....so that they no longer tie their sobriety or lack of to the other person.

 

Being mindful of the narrative that we file the experience within ourselves matters.

 

Instead of "No Alcohol"...have it wired to "clarity". Removing the negative word no and the toxic substance....one now has it filed on its own and positive. The alcohol file gets pushed back further and becomes less accessible.

 

So yes it is a process....a process that one has to be willing to examine themselves and make course corrections at all/any time that it is either pointed out or they themselves now see as a potential backslide.

[Furious]

Hi all

 

Well, as the MM in an affair that last over a year, I have made it to the landmark target of 100 days NC! My wife and I have made significant progress in reconciliation, although of course there is a very long way to go until we can consider ourselves recovered. Please consider this thread as my official party, and please excuse the lack of food and alcohol!

 

I would love you to contribute to this thread with your own NC stories if you have time. Some questions to consider: -

 

How long have you been in NC?

 

How many times did you break NC in the early days and how much did this set you back. When did you finally get into "genuine" NC?

 

When did you start to feel noticeably better?

 

Do you have any tips for others considering the daunting prospect for going into NC?

 

Any interesting NC anecdotes and stories!

 

Any lessons learned!

 

I'll have a go at answering these myself later on.

 

Thanks for being here for me all - LS has made and continues to make a big difference to me! Wherever you are in your NC journey, I wish you nothing but the best of luck.

 

Jenkies

 

 

Sorry Jenkins but your party seems premature. If my husband threw such a party I don't think I'd go to it.

[ladydesigner]

This is a great explanation. I realise people take different paths, and that encouragement and cheerleading with fellow APs could be a first step out, but there is little challenge or true introspection happening when chatting with fellow APs, despite the support gained from people in similar states.

 

Jenkins pointed out that counselling begins with processing the affair and that he was using the OW/M forum to do this. He is right , but counselling with a proper psychologist would not have been like this.

 

There has to be a depth of psychological challenge in order to change character and it hurts. It is probably more truly painful to examine ones ultimate destructiveness and character flaws than to get over the pain of losing an AP, and the work of changing oneself far harder than the work of 'losing' feelings of love for the AP.

 

That's why I believe qualified and experience professional help is in the end, quicker and more thorough.

 

Without wanting to drag up negativity, the list of complaints against the wife and marriage given last Summer were pretty damning of her and the relationship at face value. To me they seem to have been glossed over or easily forgotten. Perhaps a lot more energy should be Put into examining them, or, if they are truly not as serious as suggested, into looking at the state of consciousness that allowed such thinking?

 

It's not enough to say that a WS demonises their spouse in order to participate in the affair. What is in one than allows this? Because it is a horrendous to be on the receiving end.

 

The WS (and by association the AP) again and again list the character and behavioural defects of the spouse. Yet there is no relationship that happens in a vacuum. A persons behaviour is always a response to a dynamic in the relationship and the WS is half of that dynamic. When an AP on the forum (usually a female one) explains why the MMs marriage is bad - because the wife is ...etc, the wilfull blindness is astounding. Because if she were to be in the relationship as the wife, something in the WS would eventually cause some variation of the dynamic with her.

 

If one partner withholds affection, something is going on to spark that. If one is critical, the partner is in some way a factor in that. You can only participate in a relationship with a second person acting as a foil to that behaviour in some way, even if all you are doing is enabling it.

 

this is why changing oneself is key to any change at all. And it usually takes changing ones thought processes at a deep level, rather than simply changing behaviour which is fairly superficial.

 

Bingo! I wish more OW would get this. I realize there are some BS's that are probably truly horrible to their spouse but I think in a majority of cases it is both that have caused the dynamic in the M and one chose to step out and be an a**.

[yodelwithyu]

I am happy for your Jenks! You do what you gotta do. Everyone heals differently, and if you are in a better place than you were even a week ago, that is something to celebrate. Have a couple of extra glasses of bubbly for me. I am too scared to drink for a while for fear that it might open the floodgates!

 

Xoxo