My long heartbreak story

[mrc00per]

So this is my story...

I was 16 when I moved to the UK, didn't really know anyone have any friends and there weren't any youthclubs to join where I could discover people.

I made the best out of what I could at college, met some guys that I hanged out with because they were in my class, but we had nothing in common, they were all about the drinking/partying lifestyle and also enjoyed the occasional drug habit, both weed and coke.

So I just hanged out for the sake of it, but typically went home earlier just to avoid getting drawn into that lifestyle.

I've always been shy around girls, had my heart broken too many times so intimacy has always been an issue, unfortunately the area I live in doesn't really have the type of girls that I want in my life so that created additional bounderies.

I decided to take the leap to online dating, and it was amazing! All the basics you typically get to find out on the first date was there already, you could in essence put a tickbox list together of what you wanted!

Someone not taller than me in heels, someone educated, doesn't drink much, doesn't smoke, no drugs, etcetcetc....

So that proved to give me a few short term relationships and inevitable what I thought then was heartache - I then met this girl on an international dating site who for the sakes of it we will call Gill.

Gill seemed amazing - She was Kenyan, educated, came from a high achieving family, you'd pretty much say the entire package, She also had a little girl which sort of wasn't on my tickbox, but at that time I thought why not try it...

Around the same time I got made redundant at work and was very much fedup with life in general, so I decided to go visit her! Packed my bags and off to Nairobi I went.

We had been chatting for a few months before hand and we just hit it off, long distance wasn't easy at all, we broke up and got back together so many times I've lost count. When I visited for the second time it wasn't really the same - I was being kept a secret from the Family, because back then we were friends now it's more serious, her culture wouldn't accept it until there was a marriage proposal, and there were lies from her to her parents when she went out etc - so that caused some issues.

I was supposed to go to Nairobi again on the 21st of September 2013 - but I had to work that weekend so I went the weekend before...

The reason I know that date was because of the Westgate attack - we were actaully in that area the weekend before so that really hit home, I heard about it on the news while I was doing a 14 hour shift so i called up Gill to see if she and the baby were ok, but the phone was cut off.

I panicked like hell - I was going crazy in the office, kept trying to phone, tried finding her friends on facebook that she mentioned previously to get some sort of information I could, but nothing, I tried phoning her parents country club even though her dad didn't really know about me causing problems, phoned her work and her school!

This went on for the weekend, I came into the office on Monday with my passport giving it one last try and if it was no luck, I would've been on the next flight out.

Eventually the school comes back to me saying that she's ok - she eventually gets in touch with me 3 days later saying that her phone had been lost/stolen.

I flipped my lid, the thought of what happened and Gill not even having the thought of contacting me anyhow, facebook/email/text through another phone etc - I then and there called it quits, I was hurt and felt like I was being abused.

I took some time to myself and joined a dating site again - eager not to make the same mistake I decided to do my tickbox again and this time no long distance!

I met this girl (Susan), and by goodness she was amazing even though I never really realised it.

This girl was different, she wasn't educated (not to be confused with inteligent because that she is), she wasn't ambitious in work, happy on a deadend 9-5 low paid job, vegetarian (Peskitarian I guess).

But we had this sort of banter connection, at first I sort of acted distant, I think I was moving on too fast, was angry about things with Gill but Susan was quite persistant for a long time.

Eventually it was my mums Birthday so I got her a flight for a little city break for a long weekend and at the same time invited Susan over to my place to spend the night which she did.

Things were different, I sort of missed Gill and the baby (I had gotten attached to then) and at the same time was comparing Susan to Gill - Susan had this amazing passion for life, she was actually happy (something I seem to lack alot being a humbug person) but we were great together.

I wasn't ready for anything special so we decided to stay friends with benefits. A the time it was the right thing to do, I had trust issues from my previous relationships and she brought up her ex a number of times so I think we were in the same place.

As time moved on, she got warmer to me, did all these things that I just never realised and I guess never having a proper relationship never really noticed. She bought my mum flowers, gave her a necklace just like that, this was while we were friends.

But I just wasn't sure - I was scared more than anything.

Time moves on and I messaged Gill to wish the baby a happy birthday despite not being in contact for nearly a year - Gill phoned me up and we talked, we explained all the issues and decided to get back together even though it was long distance.

Me and Susan were amazing together but probably better off as friends, I work insanely hard to take care of my mum and even my brother at times financially, my fear was that if someone wasn't on the same level as me, would I be taking care of them as well adding additional pressure? She also like the odd drink and was a veggie - all things that back then caused me problems.

I never really knew how she felt about me, just blind to it because she was quite blazé about it herself. Time moves on and me and Gill really weren't doing well, it's like Gill would whatsapp me and I couldn't be bothered replying, yet when Susan messaged me I got really excited, no matter how bad my day was, she instantly was a ray of sunshine - a feeling like that was something I had never experienced before.

During this time She also started seeing this new guy, but being Asian, she mentioned to me a few times she wasn't really feeling it, she just had the pressure from her family to settle down as she's in her mid 20's. She told me one day that she was in the sexual clinic doing a basic test before entering a new relationship - something I always tend to do just for piece of mind, and that news sort of gave me a wake up call.

I think I missed out, but was she serious about this guy? everything she said to me up until then had been a reason for "settling" rather than actually pursueing something worthwhile.

I was still trying to continue with Gill so I decided to distance myself from Susan - I decided to keep away to protect myself, if any of you have ever listed to the song "Fallen - from Krept and Konan" that's pretty much how I was feeling at the time.

I tried deleting her number but not blocking her because I didn't want the temptation of re-adding her on whatsapp, sort of didn't go on facebook etc etc etc...

She messaged me asking why I was quiete and I explained the situation briefly, explaining I was trying to do the right thing, I had accepted the baby as my own (even though not my blood) and wanted to do right by them, but also right by her and not interfere in her new found love.

we sort of went back and forth and we decided to meet up for drinks, I explained my situation to Susan about Gill and things wasn't working out, but I was shaking head to toe I was just so scared of telling her the reason why and it was because I had fallen deeply with Susan and didn't even realise it until it was too late.

I eventually confessed like a coward over whatsapp, and she wasn't sure, we had a very long discussion about it and it turned out she was willing to try things out, she wasn't in love and asked me to cut all ties with Gill and the Baby if we were going to make this work.

I did - I told Gill things weren't working out and cut my ties, I was hurting a lot cried myself to sleep because I felt like I was a horrible dad abondoning a child I got attached to like that, but it felt like the right thing to do for everyone involved, Susan also said she had my back and was there to support me.

I eventually went over to Susans, we spent the evening together and for the first time in what appeared to be ages, I genuinely felt happy - I couldn't believe this was happening and just the cuddles alone felt like I was in heaven.

The following day she sort of changed, she felt like crap (I thought she was ill) but in actual fact she felt guilty about "cheating on her boyfriend" even though we agreed we would cut ties and be together, so in an instant she dropped me.

I couldn't believe this was happening, I gave it my all, was prepared to do whatever it took and I had just been abandoned like that. The next thing I did was the biggest mistake ever, I decided to go on facebook, find her boyfriend and tell him everything - BIG BIG mistake!

I was furious, hurt and had no self control - in fact the stress caused me to be physically sick and I would just break down crying, in work, on the street everywhere - I had to take time off and stay at home - this lasted about a week.

At the same time Gill messaged me telling me she had a sponsorship to go to Australia for her studies, and wanted to talk to me - I agreed to talk so we did.

She asked me about us, and I was emotional at the time, I said that AUS would be an amazing opportunity for her, she would have a fantastic future there no immigration issues etc, but she wanted to pursue things with me.

I told her to go to aus but not really forcefully and eventually agreed to her coming to the UK instead and us trying it out, but my heart wasn't really in it.

I missed Susan - I loved Susan, this was unbareable and the slightest comfort I could've had I took...selfishly.

I had genuinely never gone through this type of pain before - it's like your whole life falling apart.

I felt aweful - not only because I messed things up on an intimate/relationship level with Susan, but also because I completely ruined an amazing friendship - someone I could always count on, who was always there for me - she truly still is one in a million.

So as time moves on, I somehow got to texting Susan again - she had split up with her ex and we spoke, she thought she made a mistake with us and I was distrusting a little - I wanted her back but she had said it before and dropped me, I wasn't sure if she was on the rebound or genuine or not....

we talked for a few days then all of a sudden she cut me off again, no responses, not answering phone calls, no explanation out of the blue - we had always joked about tracking one another down if we ever gave up on eachother, so that's what I did - I was hopelessly in love so I went down to her house with the biggest bouquet of flowers ever with the thought of, I'll show her I'm serious and committed.

When I got there, I saw her and her ex bf - they got back together, not even 4 days after she stopped responding to me - my emotions varied; Anger, hatred, pain, physically sick! I wanted to confront them, this just wasn't fair at all - not 4 days earlier did she say she loved me and she made a mistake with me!

I had been there before, so I decided to turn the car around, give the flowers to some random old lady on the road and go home - sobbing my heart out, I couldn't confront the ex again like I did last time - it would've been wrong!

I can't exactly explain the pain I felt but it was bad - really bad.

As time moved on, I joined eHarmony and eventually got matched up again with....Susan - which is strange because she was back with her fellar - didn't make sense...but I couldn't go there again so I left it. (this was End of November).

No matter how much I missed her, I didn't message her on her b'day (17th Dec) or xmas, or NYE - all of which I really wanted to do.

Curiousity got the better of me, so we played profile viewing tennis a few times - she kept on "stalking" me and I kept on "stalking" her - She then randomly uploaded a picture of herself.

This doesn't seem right, surely if you're with someone why would you update your profile unless it was to make me jealous or hurt or something (maybe payback for what I put her through?).

I messaged her saying that she looked stunning - and it's true, she really did - despite she liked the blush a little too much and in all honestly, she's one of the most natural beautiful girls I've ever met - she doesn't need to wear any make-up at all!

we kept on profile stalking one another and eventaully on the 12th of Feb she asked me how my lovelife was going.

I was shocked and angry - she dropped me for a second time for someone, was still with him, cut me off completely and it felt like she wanted to make amends, sort of like the last time when she realised she didn't know what she had until it was gone (her words).

I replied politely but abruptly and left it at that - but we kept on profile stalking, I had to cut her off and decided to close my account - it was the hardest thing I had to do to date, this was like the last resort I had with her from any form of contact.

.....until yesterday, nearly a month later I was just thinking about her every day, so I e-mailed her saying we neet to meet up - it's important, I simply needed answers, even if it was a genuine NO - I had to understand why things happened the way they did - she refused to meet me after I was halfway there, I wasn't having any of it - I drove to her house.

I deserved to know what that last message was - how can someone be toying with your heart like that? She told me to cut off all ties and never contact her again, yet she broke the rule and asked me that sensitive question - the answer was simple, I'm still in love and I'm still having a hard time accepting all this, 5 months on!

Her boyfriend was there so I decided not to appraoch the door, I parked up down the road and messaged her - I needed to talk to her once and for all - I needed this closure and after all the emotions I went through I deserved that at the least, but I wasn't going to be the reason for that breakup if things were positive, not like last time.

She was furious I drove down, called me a stalker - so I went home and she phoned me eventually, I explained the whole situation - a condensed version of the above.

She said it was too late - she was moving on slowly and I should do the same, she went through the same feelings as I did - it would get better etc.

All the things you'd like to say to someone to try and be helpful, but at the same time the wrong things to say - why wouldn't she speak to me in the first place about it all and we would've found a way to work through it?! Something I'll never understand - this is something too important to give up on and on things like this - it's never too late...

 

So here I am - a ****ed up bastard that not only messed things up with an amazing girl which no matter how much I try not to cry about I know will never be part of my life again, despite wanting her to be so bad it's unreal, and the same ****ed up bastard that completely ruined Gill's future, she'll come to the UK for a year, get her masters and then go back to Kenya to start all over.

The Irony here is, Gill loves me just the same as the way I love Susan, but Susan doesn't love me exactly the same way I don't love Gill.

Wether she's settling or not with her boyfriend I don't know, I think she is as she told me I need to move on fast I'm not getting any younger (pot, kettle, black), I actually know her better than she thinks I do - but despite that her message was strong - it was a no which I have to respect.

I don't regret driving down, I've been crying my head off, been sick from stress again but I needed to hear that, I needed all those uncertainties to be clear and despite driving down making me a stalker, I had to do it so that I can start working on my closure and move on with my life, although god knows I really don't want to.

Susan once told me when we were friends, the difference between love and liking is, if you like a flower you'll pluck it, if you love a flower you'll water and nurture it. I guess this is how I feel now, I love her so much I won't jeapordise her current relationship, despite it's killing me inside - the only comfort and at the same time anger I have now is that she seems to be genuinely happy even though I'm the humbuggest I've ever been.

That's life for ya I guess.

[road]

The benefits, pleasures, advantages of multi-dating - not.

 

 

OP, you got a free lesson from life. That includes LDR are not good and rarely work out. That you can only tell a woman (susan) I want you, get lost, only so many times before they are done with you for good.

[CarrieT]

Couldn't read a wall of text - please use paragraphs next time!

[Satu]

No proper paragraphs; didn't read.

[Tribble]

I feel like it's a case of you want what you can't have. You've flitted between two girls. When you have one, you want the other. When Susan was interested in you, you weren't bothered. Once she started seeing someone else, you were suddenly all over that.

 

 

You're done with both these women. Next time, stick to someone local, who you like and pursue something with them only. Leave both these women alone.

[Zippy2000]

My word! That was painful to read.

 

 

You liked Gill but it didnt work out so you went to Susan.

 

 

It wasnt working out with Susan so you went back to Gill.

 

 

Put simply there isnt anyone else to blame but yourself.

 

 

Playing relationship tennis no one is going to win by going back and forth.

 

 

You should of cut Gill out when it didnt work out and moved on and focused on Susan.

[mrc00per]

Yeah, apologies folks, I should have used paragraphs - got a tip from some online advice to blog it and I in essence copy/pasted from Notepad.....I'll take it onboard in future.

 

 

@Road - you're right It is a lesson learned, bitter pill to swallow I guess.

 

 

@Tribble - I see what you're saying and I agree with it to some point, at first it was very much wanting what I couldn't have until it was too late, then (and now) I'm sure it was what I wanted all along - just too blind to see it. I know for a fact I would have done anything I could to save it - that's why I went down to see her with the flowers when I had no clue what was going on!

 

 

I think it made things harder when she was with the guy and still pronted me if you will, sort of getting my hopes up.

 

 

Thanks for the advice folks, it's taken onboard - I need to leave both alone, take time to myself and when ready find something new, the only thing is it's a lot easier to say it than done, especially when everything around the house/area I live reminds me of that person, knowing email addy's, phone numbers by heart etc - tough one for sure but something I need to try and persist without any temptations.

[mrc00per]

Some harsh comments, but thanks - the problem with talking to family is that they try and be nice, protect you from being hurt, even though sometimes you need the cold and harsh truth. So it's appreciated.

 

 

The scenario how I felt it though was,

 

 

I liked Gill, fell in love with the child and took my responsibilities as a parent seriously wether or not she was mine, that sort of kept the rship going longer.

 

 

Me and Susan were at the same "rebound" phase for a year being friends with benefits, best friends for 2 years and I was ignorant in the "tick boxes" without compromise, thinking with my head rather than listening to my heart so never pursued it.

 

 

 

That's the biggest mistake I made, I never really saw the hints or considered anything until it was too late and then ruined our friendship completely for pursueing something more, by then I had lost

Edited March 15, 2016 by mrc00per