Author vbarone Posted March 19, 2016 Author Posted March 19, 2016 Well, now it sounds like he's either messing with your head or he's got his own self very confused. Don't let him see you get hurt over it. Instead give him something like, Well, once you decide whether it's a day or month, let me know. Yep!!! Already did that! I told him if he didn't want to see me for a month that's fine because I didn't want to see someone who didn't want to see me. He ignored that msg altogether and responded to the rest! Of course because I highly doubt he wants that when I tried to take a 2 day break from him he turned from a 31 year old to a 3 year old. Worst adult man tantrum I have seen in a long time ! Now the weirdo is posting marriage stuff on his FB! Grr..
Author vbarone Posted March 19, 2016 Author Posted March 19, 2016 You know, sometimes it makes people better to have this script in their head, like "I'll never fall in love again. Love sucks." Because sometimes love does suck. But the fact is unless there was something just really messed up about the person saying that to prohibit them from ever finding mutual love, like maybe alcoholism or a bad character flaw, for them to be that much on the defensive probably means they really loved sometime and have it in them. Although with some men, sometimes the love is more like possession, so you're old enough to make sure he lost love, not just control over a woman and that caused him humiliation. So find out about his mess and decide was it love or was it just he lost out. If it was love, he's got love in him. I was the biggest sap when I was in my 20s. I was always crushing or falling in love with someone. But my mantra to anyone who brought up the subject was "I'm trying to quit" and "Eww, you just used the 'M' word." But if the right person had come along and things had been right, certainly I'd have fallen right into it. Honestly, that worked okay for me as a women because men love to hear that because then they feel they can come around and be friends without you automatically trying to latch onto them. I had a lot of men friends and some of them looked out for me and some of them came round after a bad breakup too. They cared. Maybe not the right match, but they cared and I valued them. Just don't get impatient, but do set your own timeline in your head and set your own boundaries. Of course, all men, spurned by love or not, want sex. Don't let that confuse you. Most men are lovey dovey in bed, but that alone doesn't translate to them wanting to have a full relationship. They love sex. They're in love with sex. While they're having sex with you, they can get confused and think they love you for that moment. And then it's all out the window in the morning. Don't rush vocalizing things. Not all people are any good at that anyway. Watch his actions. If he becomes protective and seems to want to improve your quality of life consistently over time, that's love. And he will interpret your actions likewise. He is somewhat protective a tad jealous a couple times and Very interested in helping me improve my quality of life. Part of our connection started with him trying to help my career into comedy! This is a semi crappy time in my life and he has done his best trying to get me out of my slump. I am severely anemic and thought about going to ER last week he kinda freaked out on me and was mad that I wasn't taking care of myself and told me my priorities were all messed up, however after that he got pretty mad that he cared and accused me of saying that for attention. He is pretty involved in anything in my life I tell him about but also really dominant and opinioned! :confused:
mikeylo Posted March 19, 2016 Posted March 19, 2016 Being a bit possessive, protective, jealous etc comes with territory. He is claiming you without coming out straight about it. Since you are more aware of the situation and he may not even know why he behaves the way he does , you might have to be the one to take a step ahead It will really be a dance ! You move forward , he wil hide. He will come forward, you will hide:laugh: till you both get tired and admit your feelings as their won't be any choice left. It's going to be very scary for both of you. You have to take a risk. I will advice to play in a way that he is the one who admits first. 1
Author vbarone Posted March 19, 2016 Author Posted March 19, 2016 Being a bit possessive, protective, jealous etc comes with territory. He is claiming you without coming out straight about it. Since you are more aware of the situation and he may not even know why he behaves the way he does , you might have to be the one to take a step ahead It will really be a dance ! You move forward , he wil hide. He will come forward, you will hide:laugh: till you both get tired and admit your feelings as their won't be any choice left. It's going to be very scary for both of you. You have to take a risk. I will advice to play in a way that he is the one who admits first.[/quote True! Just not sure how to get him to do so ..
Author vbarone Posted March 22, 2016 Author Posted March 22, 2016 ^^Because he is a commitment phobe, which you have already acknowledged. Conflicting statements and feelings are the hallmark of commitment phobes...being one yourself, you should know that... Have you read "He's Scared, She's Scared"? If not I suggest you do! Good luck.[/QUOT I got the book and read the first 2 Chapters! Yikes have to commitment to reading the part on how to fix it because reading about the severity of other commitment phobes is giving me a lot of anxiety! And Yes me and the guy fit the term for sure he is currently on a semi run mode for the first time haven't seen him in over a week and had a odd phone convo today where i told him he was being unappreciative but later he puts posts on his FB about appreciation etc so maybe he is at least listening!?
mikeylo Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 I haven't read the book but would advice to not go into too much depth to avoid getting more into the deep hole and becoming worse than what you are. Look for solutions to fix. You may not be an acute case , so take it easy. See, you both want to be together but holding back for fear of being hurt. But you are hurting anyway by being apart. Choose which hurt / fear is less and work from there. Running away is an option which you have been doing and know how to. It's a lonely place, tbh. Take a risk , you might be in for a pleasent surprise or you might end for good.
katiegrl Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 (edited) I haven't read the book but would advice to not go into too much depth to avoid getting more into the deep hole and becoming worse than what you are. Look for solutions to fix. You may not be an acute case , so take it easy. See, you both want to be together but holding back for fear of being hurt. But you are hurting anyway by being apart. Choose which hurt / fear is less and work from there. Running away is an option which you have been doing and know how to. It's a lonely place, tbh. Take a risk , you might be in for a pleasent surprise or you might end for good. It's not always about fear of getting hurt. Many commitment phobes fear the loss of freedom (even if freedom to them is watching Netflix alone eating pizza!)....they tend to need ALOT of space (emotional and physical) and *lone time*. So when someone comes along and threatens that (i.e. wants relationship with them) CPs feel the same type of panic and anxiety a claustrophobic feels when locked in an enclosed space! Suffocated! Boxed in! Not saying that is true for OP or all CPs, just saying it is not always about fear of getting hurt. On a conscience level, I doubt they are even thinking about that. All they know is that they feel suffocated, boxed in, and need to escape those feelings so they run. Many CPs might even think they want it (a RL) but once it happens, they start freaking. They may even push for it! They're living in fantasy not reality. Once reality hits, that is when the anxiety and suffocating feelings kick in so they run! ALOT of push/pull back and forth going in in these relationships. Edited March 22, 2016 by katiegrl
katiegrl Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 (edited) I happen to believe commitment phobia is running rampant in our society today, due to on line dating and GIGS. So many options, many people freak out at the thought of having to commit to one person. What if I meet someone prettier? More handsome? What if she turns out to look like her mother when she gets older? (I've heard guys say that..lol) What if I want to go skiing with my friends one weekend? What if it turns out there is someone better out there for me? All these crazy thoughts whirl around in their heads, they are literally incapable of just relaxing with it!! I think many people who post on this site about their issues are either CPs themselves, or dating one! I also think this why we see so much ghosting these days, leaving the other person confused and reeling. Everything seems to be going great, then suddenly without warning they never hear back. Ever! IMO it's because reality has hit their partner, anxiety of a *relationship* kicks in, they start feeling overwhelmed and they just can't deal!! They have no way of explaining all these crazy thoughts to their partner so they just disappear. Edited March 22, 2016 by katiegrl
mikeylo Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 I agree. My brother is a CP. He is early 50s and wants to be in a committed relationship but doesn't want to stop seeing other women. There is no one who hasn't tried to explain that this is not possible. He has lost a woman he really loved because he wouldn't stop chasing / flirting / sexually suggestive with other women. She found a good guy but he is still on the prowl. He is lonely at the end of the day. He wants a nice woman but won't stop being a womanizer. He feeds on women who are all over him. Which decent woman would like to be with him ? He is now left with women who are not only doing him but other men as well.
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