vbarone Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 So... I am an admitted female commitment phoebe and I recently have been seeing a new guy who seems to have the same issues. He has told me his entire past in detail and has even admitted a past girlfriend cheating on him has completely messed him up. Both of us suck at admitting we have feelings for each other and both of us are definitely trying to fight it. I am older and neither one of us are young. I know by actions he cares a lot about me. So the main question is do you think if two people are open about trust issues, past pain and being leary of relationships do you think anything can really come of it?? Also although he sometimes says things that make me think he doesn't want to have a relationship he says and does more things that make me think he does!!
jen1447 Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 So the main question is do you think if two people are open about trust issues, past pain and being leary of relationships do you think anything can really come of it?? Sure it can, if you're both still willing to take risks. Did you mean to say "Commitment Phoebe" btw? That was pretty awesome. 1
mikeylo Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 It can actually work better than where one is commitment phobe. You both have the same fears and can understand each other well. You both would prefer taking it slow that builds trust. 1
Lady2163 Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 Sure it can, if you're both still willing to take risks. Did you mean to say "Commitment Phoebe" btw? That was pretty awesome. I've been chuckling every time I see this topic. And thinking of binge watching Charmed. Maybe it is a subliminal message. 4
preraph Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 You know, sometimes it makes people better to have this script in their head, like "I'll never fall in love again. Love sucks." Because sometimes love does suck. But the fact is unless there was something just really messed up about the person saying that to prohibit them from ever finding mutual love, like maybe alcoholism or a bad character flaw, for them to be that much on the defensive probably means they really loved sometime and have it in them. Although with some men, sometimes the love is more like possession, so you're old enough to make sure he lost love, not just control over a woman and that caused him humiliation. So find out about his mess and decide was it love or was it just he lost out. If it was love, he's got love in him. I was the biggest sap when I was in my 20s. I was always crushing or falling in love with someone. But my mantra to anyone who brought up the subject was "I'm trying to quit" and "Eww, you just used the 'M' word." But if the right person had come along and things had been right, certainly I'd have fallen right into it. Honestly, that worked okay for me as a women because men love to hear that because then they feel they can come around and be friends without you automatically trying to latch onto them. I had a lot of men friends and some of them looked out for me and some of them came round after a bad breakup too. They cared. Maybe not the right match, but they cared and I valued them. Just don't get impatient, but do set your own timeline in your head and set your own boundaries. Of course, all men, spurned by love or not, want sex. Don't let that confuse you. Most men are lovey dovey in bed, but that alone doesn't translate to them wanting to have a full relationship. They love sex. They're in love with sex. While they're having sex with you, they can get confused and think they love you for that moment. And then it's all out the window in the morning. Don't rush vocalizing things. Not all people are any good at that anyway. Watch his actions. If he becomes protective and seems to want to improve your quality of life consistently over time, that's love. And he will interpret your actions likewise. 3
Author vbarone Posted March 15, 2016 Author Posted March 15, 2016 Sure it can, if you're both still willing to take risks. Did you mean to say "Commitment Phoebe" btw? That was pretty awesome. I do mean commitment phobe but it didn't like the spelling and maybe I am not even to able to commit to the term..lol !!:lmao: 1
Author vbarone Posted March 15, 2016 Author Posted March 15, 2016 It can actually work better than where one is commitment phobe. You both have the same fears and can understand each other well. You both would prefer taking it slow that builds trust. I agree even though the push/pull on both sides is frustrating especially when its your turn to pull..lol
brokengirl85 Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 I agree even though the push/pull on both sides is frustrating especially when its your turn to pull..lol I don't agree with the majority here. If the guy is not willing to commit to you, it's not because he has a phobia. It's because he's not that into you. You, on the contrary, even took the time to open an account here to post about him, which makes me think how attached you already are. My advice is to let this one go. A guy who really likes you won't think for a minute about that pain or hurt he had in his past. He'd love you as if it were the first time. Try not to be blind to the reality. I've never heard of a woman who is commitment phobe. You should try to figure if it's not your walls for fear to get hurt again. My guess is you're very willing to commit to this guy. Bad choice, though. Sorry
Author vbarone Posted March 16, 2016 Author Posted March 16, 2016 I don't agree with the majority here. If the guy is not willing to commit to you, it's not because he has a phobia. It's because he's not that into you. You, on the contrary, even took the time to open an account here to post about him, which makes me think how attached you already are. My advice is to let this one go. A guy who really likes you won't think for a minute about that pain or hurt he had in his past. He'd love you as if it were the first time. Try not to be blind to the reality. I've never heard of a woman who is commitment phobe. You should try to figure if it's not your walls for fear to get hurt again. My guess is you're very willing to commit to this guy. Bad choice, though. Sorry I agree with the majority ! I have had an account previously. I am sure I give off mixed messages he actually was talking about relationships, love, loyalty and marriage to the point I was feeling uncomfortable and actually asked him to not bring up those subjects so much also he has shown possessiveness on several occasions and I have never! I have major commitment issues as I have stated so it's not a one sided as I do not do one sided connections and if I truly didn't think he has feelings I would of been gone already! But thanks for your opinion and for the record I have been in love many times but have never made a complete commitment so I don't feel making a commitment is just about love ! I need someone who has exceptional quailites to commit not just love !!!
Author vbarone Posted March 16, 2016 Author Posted March 16, 2016 I don't agree with the majority here. If the guy is not willing to commit to you, it's not because he has a phobia. It's because he's not that into you. You, on the contrary, even took the time to open an account here to post about him, which makes me think how attached you already are. My advice is to let this one go. A guy who really likes you won't think for a minute about that pain or hurt he had in his past. He'd love you as if it were the first time. Try not to be blind to the reality. I've never heard of a woman who is commitment phobe. You should try to figure if it's not your walls for fear to get hurt again. My guess is you're very willing to commit to this guy. Bad choice, though. Sorry. Also what do you mean you never heard of a female commitment phobe?! Fear of commitment has nothing to do with gender any more than fear of heights! Not all females are desperate to get married! I will never settle for less and will only commit to the right person and only get married once if I ever do! I have so many desperate girlfriends but also those who are strong and willing to stay single unless the guy meets is truly worth their time and effort !
Author vbarone Posted March 16, 2016 Author Posted March 16, 2016 It can actually work better than where one is commitment phobe. You both have the same fears and can understand each other well. You both would prefer taking it slow that builds trust. Yeah feels better taking it slow and I also think it is nice that someone understands! Just completed a trust building session that involved some money and a small investment! Last minute he wanted to back out ( the whole thing being his idea) I know he knew if I didn't get my money back it was likely I would be done with him! The investment worked I got my $ back and a small profit and he said he was so happy it went through and was super giddy and the happiest I have ever seen him! Sucks that you have to test people like that ! But ...
mikeylo Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 I agree with the majority ! I have had an account previously. I am sure I give off mixed messages he actually was talking about relationships, love, loyalty and marriage to the point I was feeling uncomfortable and actually asked him to not bring up those subjects so much also he has shown possessiveness on several occasions and I have never! I have major commitment issues as I have stated so it's not a one sided as I do not do one sided connections and if I truly didn't think he has feelings I would of been gone already! But thanks for your opinion and for the record I have been in love many times but have never made a complete commitment so I don't feel making a commitment is just about love ! I need someone who has exceptional quailites to commit not just love !!! Be careful with that ! While love is not enough to keep a committment , you do need plenty of other qualities in a person. Dont idealize.There is no ideal person. Everyone has flaws, just like you do. You need to able to accept those just like you want to be accepted with yours. Its not gender based.I agree with you on that.While men outweigh the numbers, number of women who are CP is less. A woman has to be deeply hurt to be a CP and thats why I said taking it slow is best for you ( both. As he is in the same boat, it makes it easier to 'get' each other ). Sometimes life puts us in a situation where people are tested unintentionally.Thats fate !You got a chance and it worked Push/Pull can be nerve wrecking if one is CP while other is not.In your situation, its understandable to both, and that makes both of you click!
Author vbarone Posted March 16, 2016 Author Posted March 16, 2016 Be careful with that ! While love is not enough to keep a committment , you do need plenty of other qualities in a person. Dont idealize.There is no ideal person. Everyone has flaws, just like you do. You need to able to accept those just like you want to be accepted with yours. Its not gender based.I agree with you on that.While men outweigh the numbers, number of women who are CP is less. A woman has to be deeply hurt to be a CP and thats why I said taking it slow is best for you ( both. As he is in the same boat, it makes it easier to 'get' each other ). Sometimes life puts us in a situation where people are tested unintentionally.Thats fate !You got a chance and it worked Push/Pull can be nerve wrecking if one is CP while other is not.In your situation, its understandable to both, and that makes both of you click! Thanks for you post and I agree! I hurt myself by cheating a long time ago and lost a great guy. Oh he is far from perfect, lol! Although he has some qualities that I do not see in other men he can be a brat has thrown a couple tantrums where I swear he was 3 years old and also demanding at times! That's a lot but Yes I feel the good outweighs the bad but he is by no means a super easy person to be involved with !!
brokengirl85 Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 I hear you. I wish you good luck with this guy. Oh, when I said that I've never heard a female commitment phobe I was referring to the fact women usually look for commitment, do not fear commitment. It's the guys who fear to be engulfed by the female, not the contrary. However, exceptions exist. My advice is to let your walls down a little. My guess is you're scared to get hurt again. I wouldn't choose a guy who explicitly said to you he's a commitment phobe. You have to trust his words. Guys are simple creatures, they mean what they say. Please keep us posted 1
Author vbarone Posted March 16, 2016 Author Posted March 16, 2016 I hear you. I wish you good luck with this guy. Oh, when I said that I've never heard a female commitment phobe I was referring to the fact women usually look for commitment, do not fear commitment. It's the guys who fear to be engulfed by the female, not the contrary. However, exceptions exist. My advice is to let your walls down a little. My guess is you're scared to get hurt again. I wouldn't choose a guy who explicitly said to you he's a commitment phobe. You have to trust his words. Guys are simple creatures, they mean what they say. Please keep us posted Thanks and I will keep you posted of course! He didn't directly say he was a commitment phobe just things that make me feel he is. I have told him I was directly he did tell me once that I was going to have to have a relationship some day. I thought that was interesting. I have let my walls done some but also have to protect myself as well. Same with him, I told him we weren't that close a few months ago because we didn't really talk and since then he is super talkative to the point that I can't get him to be quiet but thats okay, LOL !!
Author vbarone Posted March 18, 2016 Author Posted March 18, 2016 so today me and the guys are texting out of nowhere he says he will see me in a month and has no reason but then a couple minutes later he says he wants me to come over right then (i didn't ) ! I told him he officially hurt my feelings for the first time and he tells me I might as well die now then because feelings suck I tell him I agree and later tell him to not contact me tommorow because I don't want to say something I don't mean ! This is stupid !! Why would someone say 2 conflicting things so quickly and with no valid reason !?!
Popsicle Posted March 18, 2016 Posted March 18, 2016 You should believe someone who says they are not a commitment type of person.
Author vbarone Posted March 18, 2016 Author Posted March 18, 2016 You should believe someone who says they are not a commitment type of person. He's never said that exactly ! But I have, doesn't mean I don't want that just means I am super cautious !
katiegrl Posted March 18, 2016 Posted March 18, 2016 so today me and the guys are texting out of nowhere he says he will see me in a month and has no reason but then a couple minutes later he says he wants me to come over right then (i didn't ) ! I told him he officially hurt my feelings for the first time and he tells me I might as well die now then because feelings suck I tell him I agree and later tell him to not contact me tommorow because I don't want to say something I don't mean ! This is stupid !! ----- ***Why would someone say 2 conflicting things so quickly and with no valid reason !?! ^^Because he is a commitment phobe, which you have already acknowledged. Conflicting statements and feelings are the hallmark of commitment phobes...being one yourself, you should know that... Have you read "He's Scared, She's Scared"? If not I suggest you do! Good luck. 3
Popsicle Posted March 18, 2016 Posted March 18, 2016 He's never said that exactly ! But I have, doesn't mean I don't want that just means I am super cautious ! Maybe I should say it this way instead: he is acting ambivalent and confusing just like you are. I don't get enjoyment from being with commitment phobes but clearly you do. They usually enjoy other commitment phobes because they play along well with the game. Perhaps you two are well matched then, but you won't get any answers from us about where his heart and mind is. We're not mind readers and keeping a distance and keeping them guessing is part of the game that commitment phobes find fun, so you'll have to just keep not knowing and keep guessing, just like he will. 1
Author vbarone Posted March 18, 2016 Author Posted March 18, 2016 ^^Because he is a commitment phobe, which you have already acknowledged. Conflicting statements and feelings are the hallmark of commitment phobes...being one yourself, you should know that... Have you read "He's Scared, She's Scared"? If not I suggest you do! Good luck. I haven't but will read it thanks !
Author vbarone Posted March 18, 2016 Author Posted March 18, 2016 Maybe I should say it this way instead: he is acting ambivalent and confusing just like you are. I don't get enjoyment from being with commitment phobes but clearly you do. They usually enjoy other commitment phobes because they play along well with the game. Perhaps you two are well matched then, but you won't get any answers from us about where his heart and mind is. We're not mind readers and keeping a distance and keeping them guessing is part of the game that commitment phobes find fun, so you'll have to just keep not knowing and keep guessing, just like he will. Sounds about right !
mikeylo Posted March 18, 2016 Posted March 18, 2016 Ultimately, one of you will have to step up the commitment otherwise you'll stay in a never ending circle with no end in sight towards being together. The basic issue here is fear. Fear of being hurt. If neither of you is ready to be vulnerable , slowly of course, then fear wins and relationship fails.In any case, both of you while are on the same page ( fear wise), one of you will have to take the initiative towards commitment and only then the other will start keeping his / her fear away and do what they deeply actually desire.
Author vbarone Posted March 19, 2016 Author Posted March 19, 2016 Ultimately, one of you will have to step up the commitment otherwise you'll stay in a never ending circle with no end in sight towards being together. The basic issue here is fear. Fear of being hurt. If neither of you is ready to be vulnerable , slowly of course, then fear wins and relationship fails.In any case, both of you while are on the same page ( fear wise), one of you will have to take the initiative towards commitment and only then the other will start keeping his / her fear away and do what they deeply actually desire. I agree ! So scary !!
preraph Posted March 19, 2016 Posted March 19, 2016 so today me and the guys are texting out of nowhere he says he will see me in a month and has no reason but then a couple minutes later he says he wants me to come over right then (i didn't ) ! I told him he officially hurt my feelings for the first time and he tells me I might as well die now then because feelings suck I tell him I agree and later tell him to not contact me tommorow because I don't want to say something I don't mean ! This is stupid !! Why would someone say 2 conflicting things so quickly and with no valid reason !?! Well, now it sounds like he's either messing with your head or he's got his own self very confused. Don't let him see you get hurt over it. Instead give him something like, Well, once you decide whether it's a day or month, let me know. 1
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