Pillow Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 It's not a turnoff. Beautiful Ellie Goulding pursued her last boyfriend of a 2 year relationship. You'll be surprised. Even Taylor swift. My friends do the same. Sorry, but not all women fit in with the feminine passive mode. 2
Gaeta Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 It's not a turnoff. Beautiful Ellie Goulding pursued her last boyfriend of a 2 year relationship. You'll be surprised. Even Taylor swift. My friends do the same. Sorry, but not all women fit in with the feminine passive mode. Then we wonder why all those beautiful celebrities are being cheated on by their boyfriend. The men were half interested to start with. 2
SwordofFlame Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 Then we wonder why all those beautiful celebrities are being cheated on by their boyfriend. The men were half interested to start with. I think the sample size there is too small to make a conclusion. Sure some men will see women that pursue them as only casual, but it's not like men don't already pursue casual relationships with women.
truth_seeker Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 Then we wonder why all those beautiful celebrities are being cheated on by their boyfriend. The men were half interested to start with. Oh, common! That's bogus!
katiegrl Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 Oh, common! That's bogus! In some cases it may be bogus, other cases not so much. However, the fact these women are beautiful rich, famous celebrities may have a bearing as to why certain guys enjoy being pursued by them.... regardless of how they actually *feel* about them. And to be fair, male celebrities have the same problem!! 1
truth_seeker Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 It's not a turnoff. Beautiful Ellie Goulding pursued her last boyfriend of a 2 year relationship. You'll be surprised. Even Taylor swift. My friends do the same. Sorry, but not all women fit in with the feminine passive mode. Where are these women? Please send them my way.
truth_seeker Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 In some cases it may be bogus, other cases not so much. However, the fact these women are beautiful rich, famous celebrities may have a bearing as to why certain guys enjoy being pursued by them.... regardless of how they actually *feel* about them. And to be fair, male celebrities have the same problem!! Yes, but read the rest of her post: My friends do the same. Sorry, but not all women fit in with the feminine passive mode. Not just celebrity women doing the pursuing.
katiegrl Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 Where are these women? Please send them my way. Why wait for them to "be sent" to you? Go find them!
truth_seeker Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 Why wait for them to "be sent" to you? I want to feel special.
katiegrl Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 Yes, but read the rest of her post: My friends do the same. Sorry, but not all women fit in with the feminine passive mode. Not just celebrity women doing the pursuing. Oh I know they don't! I agree with you! And it is quite possible, and probably likely, these guys were the passive ones, and therefore "prefer" the woman do the chasing. Which, if that is the case, is fine! Many women enjoy that role and prefer passive guys for that reason. However, in the OP's case, we already know this guy is NOT passive, since HE initiated the first three dates!
Gaeta Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 Oh, common! That's bogus! Eva Longoria Sandra Bullock Elin Nordegren Jennifer Aniston Reese Witherspoon Elizabeth Hurley Halle Berry Uma Thurman Christie Brinkley They were into their man, more than their man were into them.
losangelena Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 Sigh ... this thread makes one thing clear: everyone's different. Sure, the number of women who pursue, and the men who like it, may still be in the minority, but bottom line, it works for some. Women are not a hive, men are not a hive. What is so wrong with experimenting with your dating style? What's the problem with sticking your neck out and trying something new? I feel like sometimes the dating "rules" are taken too seriously. Every man whose woman pursued him is only half-interested? He's destined to cheat? As if men who go hot and heavy on the chase are immune to cheating? Ha, that's a hilarious assertion. 4
truth_seeker Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 Eva Longoria Sandra Bullock Elin Nordegren Jennifer Aniston Reese Witherspoon Elizabeth Hurley Halle Berry Uma Thurman Christie Brinkley They were into their man, more than their man were into them. Aside from Elin, who married a guy who didn't have a real sex life until he got famous and then went berserk, the women you mention all divorced multiple times, bounced from relationship to relationship. Some of them are real head cases... that's why they can't keep a guy.
jen1447 Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 What is so wrong with experimenting with your dating style? What's the problem with sticking your neck out and trying something new? That's particularly glaring when women tell these "he's the love of my life" stories but then say they're willing to let him go forever bc he doesn't chase them quite as hard as they'd like and they don't feel like they can just snatch him up themselves. "It's out of my hands." No it's not. 1
losangelena Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 "It's out of my hands." No it's not. Exactly. And even if a woman tries to pursue and it fails, so what?! This is considered normal for men. No one says it's not normal for men to pursue, they say that it just didn't work out. If the relationship gets the point of marriage and it ends in divorce, that's got nothing to do with the fact that the woman initiated. 2
katiegrl Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 Sigh ... this thread makes one thing clear: everyone's different. Sure, the number of women who pursue, and the men who like it, may still be in the minority, but bottom line, it works for some. Women are not a hive, men are not a hive. What is so wrong with experimenting with your dating style? What's the problem with sticking your neck out and trying something new? I feel like sometimes the dating "rules" are taken too seriously. Every man whose woman pursued him is only half-interested? He's destined to cheat? As if men who go hot and heavy on the chase are immune to cheating? Ha, that's a hilarious assertion. I see your point, and agree to a certain extent. I can't stand *rules* either...and believe in exploring different dating styles. Every relationship is different. But I also believe in utilizing common sense and being smart in dating too. And watching a man's actions...same for men. And when one has asked for a fourth date, and the other person cancelled that date, and made no effort to reschedule, and in fact has begun to pull back, common sense and smarts dictate you pull back yourself, not continue chasing. I think it is really important for one to be cognizant of how your actions and responses are being interpretrd by the other. When a woman (or man) continues chasing someone who is clearly pulling back, it sends them the message you don't value yourself ... which jmo, is not a good message to send. True for both men and women! 2
jen1447 Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 Exactly. And even if a woman tries to pursue and it fails, so what?! This is considered normal for men. No one says it's not normal for men to pursue, they say that it just didn't work out. If the relationship gets the point of marriage and it ends in divorce, that's got nothing to do with the fact that the woman initiated. Yep, which speaks to this passivity fallacy too - while a woman who chases men can be assumed to be aggressive (enough to chase men anyway, not exactly like steroid aggro), a man who has women chase him isn't somehow automatically passive, and in the event of failure it's not automatically bc the guy "failed to lead" due to this assumed passivity or whatever. 1
losangelena Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 (edited) I totally agree, Katie. Obviously, neither gender should beat down the door of the other. In OP's case, she still seems so uncertain, and so interested, that all I'm saying is that it wouldn't really hurt her to try one more time, if she wants. That's got little to do with whether or not she values herself, she wants clarity, and to not forever be wondering "what if." I'd argue that seeking out one's own peace of mind is also a measure of self-value. Edited March 16, 2016 by losangelena
katiegrl Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 I totally agree, Katie. Obviously, neither gender should beat down the door of the other. In OP's case, she still seems so uncertain, and so interested, that all I'm saying is that it wouldn't really hurt her to try one more time, if she wants. That's got little to do with whether or not she values herself, she wants clarity, and to not forever be wondering "what if." Oh I 100% agree it has little to do with whether or not she values herself. I have no doubt she values herself a great deal! What I was saying .... is how is HE interpreting her continuing to chase? He may think "wow, I cancelled the date, have not rescheduled, have essentially stopped pursuing her, yet she continues to be interested and chasing me"! He may interpret that as meaning she doesn't value herself all that much, and expects very little, if anything, in her relationships with men. It is what I would think if a man continued to chase me after I displayed the same behavior as this guy is. That said, and after thinking more about your posts, , if she wants to ask again, she should. She should do whatever she wants and is comfortable with. There are never guarantees in dating, relationships, life! In fact, he may be flattered she is so into him and responds positively if she asks again, who knows! It's all a risk..... OP, let us know what happens!
losangelena Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 Who cares what he thinks of her, though? I doubt very much that if she sat passively by, waiting for him to reach out, that his opinion would suddenly change. Either way, they're not in a relationship at the end of the day. 1
jen1447 Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 Who cares what he thinks of her, though? I doubt very much that if she sat passively by, waiting for him to reach out, that his opinion would suddenly change. Either way, they're not in a relationship at the end of the day. How you do sth will make a larger impression than if you do sth anyway, so a person who carries themselves w/dignity - which is entirely possible to do while chasing a guy - will be fine while someone who does it in desperation of whatevs (which is what I think everyone is assuming) will look like a mal-adjusted crazy stalker. She doesn't have to send him 140 text messages and plead and ask why he's not responding quickly enough etc., she just has to ask him out. Her: "Hey, would you like to go out w/me next Friday?" Him: "No, not really." Her: "That's fine. Take care!" or Her: "Hey, would you like to go out w/me next Friday?" Him: "Yeah, that sounds nice." Her: "Great, meet me at the restaurant at 8." 2
truth_seeker Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 How you do sth will make a larger impression than if you do sth anyway, so a person who carries themselves w/dignity - which is entirely possible to do while chasing a guy - will be fine while someone who does it in desperation of whatevs (which is what I think everyone is assuming) will look like a mal-adjusted crazy stalker. She doesn't have to send him 140 text messages and plead and ask why he's not responding quickly enough etc., she just has to ask him out. Her: "Hey, would you like to go out w/me next Friday?" Him: "No, not really." Her: "That's fine. Take care!" or Her: "Hey, would you like to go out w/me next Friday?" Him: "Yeah, that sounds nice." Her: "Great, meet me at the restaurant at 8." If only more people would act like adults and get to the point instead of analyzing and playing stupid games. 3
Larryville Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 Man, I have gone through this thread a couple of time and it makes my head hurt, my overthinking… if a guy cancels a date and he is interested, he would reschedule in the same conversation. Bottom line: assume he isn't interested and just do you, as in, move on. This is odd to me first because I have never cancelled a date, so as I process the thread I’m thinking if I did cancel would I immediately reschedule, absolutely yes. Speaking for myself, I find women who are confident enough to go after what they want very attractive. Two of my longest and best relationships started with the woman approaching me and doing basically half the "work" early on. This is me in a nutshell, in fact I have NEVER initiated the initial “date” since I have been online and upon meeting the woman they always tell me they don’t mind initiating because most have said that guys these days are too passive and they don’t want to waste time. Most of these women are the “calendar types and by that I mean the plan every freaking aspect of their lives, I don’t at all. I live day to day. Keeping in mind I'm older and so are they maybe it is generational. So just because a woman asks a man out does not make her trashy. Regardless of her being attractive or ugly. Don’t agree with this at all but this gets to… this thread makes one thing clear: everyone's different. All sorts of demographics play into this discussion, age, education, income, culture, religion… I know I'm not alone in wishing that women were not so passive when it comes to meeting guys… I think women who have the self-confidence to go after what she wants is cool, and frankly a huge turn-on for me always has been, while I’m not “shy” I’m pretty introverted, conservative, a woman being more assertive lets me know I'm not wasting time. Again, interested people act interested. OP is acting interested....he, on the other hand, is not. This is important I WON’T let her do all of the planning and scheduling once the initial attraction is obvious. The very trait of her initiating some while cool if a guy stays passive and does not convey sure interest you will lose that same women very damn quickly. Now going back to first OP post… In a nutshell - met a shy/quiet guy online, but he initiated all contact for our first three dates. All went well when he suddenly stopped initiating contact after third date. ME, I do this because I want to gauge her interest, I’m thinking if she is too quiet and makes no effort to communicate or reach out to me, she is lukewarm. (Note: I am almost/kinda in this same boat with someone currently dating but have been seeing for a couple of months now, she is very busy, lots going on, family stuff… I’m trying to be patient…) I'm worried this will set the pattern for the rest of our relationship, or that my pursuing could turn him off. Good relationships have balance, mental and emotional balance helps with dealing with these issues.
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 Ya I know a girl who has been with her husband overall for 13 years now, they have been a couple since High School and she told me she approached him first, asked him out first
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 reading this post somewhere only made me more infuriated and added fuel to fire over the gender role that guys are expected to approach and be the initiators: “Normally, you are the one who has to begin the initial conversation; you are the one who starts touching her, who takes her number, who calls her up, who tells her where to meet you for a date, who initiates a hug the next time you see her, who takes her to a café, who touches her hand across the table, who goes in for the first kiss, who leads her home, who undresses her, and so on through the many small steps all the way into bed. You are responsible for making things happen since you are the male, so advancing is all on your shoulders. Whenever you feel you are not getting anywhere with a woman, or that things are moving slowly, it is because you are not advancing. If you ever catch yourself thinking something such as, “I am not getting anywhere with this girl,” or “I do not know if she likes me,” then it is time for you to make a move. She will not do it, not even if she wants you, and if she does make a move then she is seducing you, not the other way around. If you are thinking, “Well, but if she wants me, why doesn’t she make a move?” it means you do not understand women very well, what they want, or that you as a male are expected to act like a male — and that she is thinking the exact same thing. All over the world, females grow more frustrated by the day because males they know are interested in them are afraid or do not know how to show it by making a move. Many males lose women because they fail to make a move when they have the chance. When you do have the chance but do not take it, the woman is thinking “Why isn’t he doing anything?” because her mindset does not include the option of doing something herself. She will start thinking that you do not like her, or she will park you in her let’s-just-be-friends spot and look for a real man.” W. Anton
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