Jabron1 Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 That's why I rather have a woman initiate so I know she likes me, then I can put in the work because I know she is into me. It just doesn't work like that though. You know she's into you, because she goes on dates with you, gets intimate with you, and prioritizes you. You initiate, and then you judge her actions, and focus on results. Teases, liars, and players are very easily filtered, just by escalating and moving things forward. Dating is much simpler than most guys make it. 4
Gaeta Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 I have a couple of questions: * How far apart were your 3 dates? * How often did he communicate with you between dates?
katiegrl Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 It's a lot of things. What can I tell you... There's a phrase I've heard that resonates with me: There are many you date and the one you marry. Still dealing with the "many" Right. But you have to actually *date* them first before you know if you want to "marry" them. If you are too afraid to approach and pursue, and instead wait for a chick to approach you, even though you have admitted many times on this board that whenever that has happened, such women end up messing with you, then how will you ever get to date them to know if you want to marry them? The definition of insanity -- repeating the same behavior but expecting a different result. TS, you need a different *strategy* here -- what you're doing now (waiting for chicks to approach you and then getting messed with), obviously isn't working for ya!
SwordofFlame Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 Speaking strictly for myself, women that pursue are a turn on. If a woman doesn't reciprocate her interest after three dates, I would be moving on too. 1
katiegrl Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 Speaking strictly for myself, women that pursue are a turn on. If a woman doesn't reciprocate her interest after three dates, I would be moving on too. Yeah mentioned that earlier too. He initiated the first three dates, I see no reason why OP cannot initate the fourth. That is NOT *pursuing* -- that is called *reciprocating*.
Jabron1 Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 Yeah mentioned that earlier too. He initiated the first three dates, I see no reason why OP cannot initate the fourth. That is NOT *pursuing* -- that is called *reciprocating*. She did. He cancelled. 1
katiegrl Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 She did. He cancelled. Okay, missed that! Then the ball is in HIS court.
Imported Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 I don't know why people insist on bringing up DNA and genetics for how humans date now. I think men took what they want and killed whatever got in the way, including other men. That's what's in our DNA, but we overcame that with a bigger brain and allow stuff like equal rights and womens lib.
Gaeta Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 She did. He cancelled. But she reciprocated too late in the game. 1
Gaeta Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 I don't know why people insist on bringing up DNA and genetics for how humans date now. I think men took what they want and killed whatever got in the way, including other men. That's what's in our DNA, but we overcame that with a bigger brain and allow stuff like equal rights and womens lib. We hardly have overcome anything. The day there is no more rape and no more domestic violence, then maybe we can say we overcame our basic instinct.
Jabron1 Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 I don't know why people insist on bringing up DNA and genetics for how humans date now. Because it's relevant. 1
Jabron1 Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 We hardly have overcome anything. The day there is no more rape and no more domestic violence, then maybe we can say we overcame our basic instinct. The day there's no war, greed, envy, selfishness, etc. Not exactly going in the right direction, are we? 1
Cinnamonstix Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 Of course there are individual differences, just as there are differing levels of testosterone in men and women. Men and women are wired differently. Generally speaking, masculine men like to hunt and will be turned off by women who do the same, as it feels unnatural and unfeminine. Women with more feminine energy like to be pursued. This does not mean that she doesn't put in effort or take initiative, it just means that in general, she is more on the receptive side than the initiating side until a real relationship has formulated. Women generally take more time to fall in love, so this makes sense. Anyway, my original comment was more directed toward the OP's situation. This guy doesn't sound that interested. If the roles were reversed and the OP was a guy talking about a girl, I would also say she doesn't sound interested. Interested people reschedule when they cancel. 1
road Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 Guys and girls are welcome to reply, of course, but was more curious as to how guys think about my situation. In a nutshell - met a shy/quiet guy online, but he initiated all contact for our first three dates. All went well when he suddenly stopped initiating contact after third date. I waited a bit before initiating contact (expecting him to have dropped off), but much to my surprise he's replied enthusiastically. Since then it's been me initiating all contact (about 1-2 times per week). I asked him out for a fourth date, to which he originally said yes, but had to cancel last minute due to a (relatively) understandable reason. He's been traveling since, but I've initiated texts and he still enthusiastically responds. However, he hasn't asked me out again and he's finished his travels in a few days. since I really do like him and it's not often I find a guy I like He wasn't too *shy* to initiate their first three dates, so calling BS on this *shy* excuse. That said, after three dates, OP I see no reason why you cannot initiate the fourth. In fact, he may be waiting or wanting you to do that. OR, he may have lost interest...it's hard to know which with the limited info we have received. Do not call BS on me. The OP said he was shy. I chose to not debate that with the OP. For the OP really liked him. So her best course of action is to take action. 1
jen1447 Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 Ideally I would like him to ask me out again since he bailed on our last date, and in my opinion the ball's in his court. However, with the pattern of our communication/me initiating I feel like if I don't do something he might be gone. So to give this relationship a fighting chance (since I really do like him and it's not often I find a guy I like), I can initiate the next date. However, I'm worried this will set the pattern for the rest of our relationship, or that my pursuing could turn him off. Any opinions? Do it! Grab him and the world by the dick and take what you want. Don't wait around for it to come to you. 5
Author pinkelephant1111 Posted March 15, 2016 Author Posted March 15, 2016 I have a couple of questions: * How far apart were your 3 dates? * How often did he communicate with you between dates? About one date per week. He communicated about twice a week, mostly for light chat leading to logistics discussions. Don't think there was a particular chain of text where he texted just for plain chatting (he's not too much of a talker...but that I'm not too worried about since this is actually his personality vs his interest level). I text him to plain chat sometimes and he's ok with that but we won't have super long conversations for example. As for showing interest, in response to the other responses, I've dropped many hints about when I next see him we should do this and that and he says sure. He just doesn't initiate any more after that.
Gaeta Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 About one date per week. He communicated about twice a week, mostly for light chat leading to logistics discussions. Don't think there was a particular chain of text where he texted just for plain chatting (he's not too much of a talker...but that I'm not too worried about since this is actually his personality vs his interest level). I text him to plain chat sometimes and he's ok with that but we won't have super long conversations for example. As for showing interest, in response to the other responses, I've dropped many hints about when I next see him we should do this and that and he says sure. He just doesn't initiate any more after that. Hon, 1 date a week and no real communication in between dates is, most of the time, indication he is luckywarm about you. He probably gave it 3 dates to make sure it was a 'no go'. Your next move is 'no move'.
katiegrl Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 Do not call BS on me. The OP said he was shy. I chose to not debate that with the OP. For the OP really liked him. So her best course of action is to take action. I did not call BS on you personally. I called BS on him being shy. Big difference. In any event, apologies if I offended. 1
preraph Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 Honestly, I think they are suspicious if a woman comes on to them and may suspect she is trashy. Of course, it depends if they actually already know her well or not or if circumstances have changed (a breakup) to give some context to why she's coming on now if they knew her before. Like if she's letting them know she's now available, fine. If they haven't really noticed you before and you blatantly come on to them or ask them out, many men will make assumptions that you are fast and loose, which certainly isn't always truth. You could just be light years ahead of them socially. I was pretty bold when I was young, and I'd say it mostly ended in hookups, not a lasting thing. However, to meet guys you don't have to come on to them or ask them out. I think I had a lot of success just being the one who just found some neutral reason to talk to them first. Like it it's in a bar, be near them and lean over and say about the band "Are these guys local, do you know?" That opens the door to them without giving them anything to ponder about. I just think it's more important and effective to open a conversation than to jump right in and hit on someone, although I have done that as well. But that will normally end up as a hookup. I don't really regret any of those either, though, because I picked (up) some interesting guys. But that was a different time and it was much safer to be reckless back then, in so many ways.
truth_seeker Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 I did not call BS on you personally. I called BS on him being shy. Big difference. Maybe not shy but more so cautious? I would be cautious, too if I were pursuing a woman hard for the first three dates and I didn't get a sense she was do any of the initiating.
katiegrl Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 About one date per week. He communicated about twice a week, mostly for light chat leading to logistics discussions. Don't think there was a particular chain of text where he texted just for plain chatting (he's not too much of a talker...but that I'm not too worried about since this is actually his personality vs his interest level). I text him to plain chat sometimes and he's ok with that but we won't have super long conversations for example. As for showing interest, in response to the other responses, I've dropped many hints about when I next see him we should do this and that and he says sure. He just doesn't initiate any more after that. Plus when you did initiate the next date, he cancelled on you, right? JMO, when a guy or girl cancels, it's up to him/her to initiate next date... I think it would be foolish to continue initiating unless he does something to indicate he wants you to!
truth_seeker Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 You know she's into you, because she goes on dates with you, gets intimate with you, and prioritizes you. She went on dates with me > check. She hooks up with me > check. She doesn't prioritize. She comes calling when she's either bored or in the mood. Bottom line: she plays the field and keeps you as an option.
katiegrl Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 Maybe not shy but more so cautious? I would be cautious, too if I were pursuing a woman hard for the first three dates and I didn't get a sense she was do any of the initiating. But he initiated the first three dates.... so he showed no caution there. But yeah perhaps now he's cautious, but OP did initiate the fourth date, which he cancelled....and hasn't rescheduled. In my world, that's not being cautious....it's being dis-interested.
Jabron1 Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 She went on dates with me > check. She hooks up with me > check. She doesn't prioritize. She comes calling when she's either bored or in the mood. Bottom line: she plays the field and keeps you as an option. Then she isn't girlfriend material. You either walk away, or have some random sex. Like I said mate, it's simple
truth_seeker Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 Right. But you have to actually *date* them first before you know if you want to "marry" them. True, obviously. If you are too afraid to approach and pursue, and instead wait for a chick to approach you, even though you have admitted many times on this board that whenever that has happened, such women end up messing with you, then how will you ever get to date them to know if you want to marry them? Not afraid, more so cautious (Jabron thinks I'm too cautious) and the reason being I've experienced and witnessed too many bad things with women. The definition of insanity -- repeating the same behavior but expecting a different result. TS, you need a different *strategy* here -- what you're doing now (waiting for chicks to approach you and then getting messed with), obviously isn't working for ya! There's insanity and then there's sh-t luck. I'm very out-going and do keep things simple. I ask for a date and try to schedule a specific day and time. If the lady gives me the round around, I tell her to let me know when she is available and move on. I let her know I'm not going to chase. She needs to reciprocate if she's really interested. My strategy when I go work out is to work out If girls keep approaching me, bait me into flirting with them, what can I do? You try working out when the hot blonde with a great butt in yoga pants is purposely bending over in front of you, then turns around and locks eyes with you as you're trying to lift weights, run on the treadmill... next thing you know I got a boner and have to go to the locker room
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