pinkelephant1111 Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 Guys and girls are welcome to reply, of course, but was more curious as to how guys think about my situation. In a nutshell - met a shy/quiet guy online, but he initiated all contact for our first three dates. All went well when he suddenly stopped initiating contact after third date. I waited a bit before initiating contact (expecting him to have dropped off), but much to my surprise he's replied enthusiastically. Since then it's been me initiating all contact (about 1-2 times per week). I asked him out for a fourth date, to which he originally said yes, but had to cancel last minute due to a (relatively) understandable reason. He's been traveling since, but I've initiated texts and he still enthusiastically responds. However, he hasn't asked me out again and he's finished his travels in a few days. Ideally I would like him to ask me out again since he bailed on our last date, and in my opinion the ball's in his court. However, with the pattern of our communication/me initiating I feel like if I don't do something he might be gone. So to give this relationship a fighting chance (since I really do like him and it's not often I find a guy I like), I can initiate the next date. However, I'm worried this will set the pattern for the rest of our relationship, or that my pursuing could turn him off. Any opinions?
Cinnamonstix Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 It sounds like he is being polite by answering enthusiastically, but just isn't that into you. If he was, he wouldn't be letting you do all of the work and would be initiating contact and asking you out. Also, if a guy cancels a date and he is interested, he would reschedule in the same conversation. Bottom line: assume he isn't interested and just do you, as in, move on. 3
Doop Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 Guys and girls are welcome to reply, of course, but was more curious as to how guys think about my situation. In a nutshell - met a shy/quiet guy online, but he initiated all contact for our first three dates. All went well when he suddenly stopped initiating contact after third date. I waited a bit before initiating contact (expecting him to have dropped off), but much to my surprise he's replied enthusiastically. Since then it's been me initiating all contact (about 1-2 times per week). I asked him out for a fourth date, to which he originally said yes, but had to cancel last minute due to a (relatively) understandable reason. He's been traveling since, but I've initiated texts and he still enthusiastically responds. However, he hasn't asked me out again and he's finished his travels in a few days. Ideally I would like him to ask me out again since he bailed on our last date, and in my opinion the ball's in his court. However, with the pattern of our communication/me initiating I feel like if I don't do something he might be gone. So to give this relationship a fighting chance (since I really do like him and it's not often I find a guy I like), I can initiate the next date. However, I'm worried this will set the pattern for the rest of our relationship, or that my pursuing could turn him off. Any opinions? I'm not sure. They've always pursued the opposite direction from wherever I am. Is a girl running for the hills away from me more attractive than one running head over heels towards me? I've only experienced the former, so I don't have enough data to compare. 1
TXGuy Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 I'm not sure why people seem to insist on saying that 'if a man is interested, he will make it happen', or something similar. If that is the case, then 'if a woman is interested, she will make it happen.' Anyway, rant over. You like this guy and he seems like a catch. Despite the fact that he is shy/introverted, you let him do all the work the first three dates. I don't think it would hurt for you to put in some effort for a while. 2
Lady2163 Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 I'm not sure why people seem to insist on saying that 'if a man is interested, he will make it happen', or something similar. If that is the case, then 'if a woman is interested, she will make it happen.' Anyway, rant over. You like this guy and he seems like a catch. Despite the fact that he is shy/introverted, you let him do all the work the first three dates. I don't think it would hurt for you to put in some effort for a while. Technically, etiquette-wise, because he cancelled the last date, he should be the one to reschedule. 3
TXGuy Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 Technically, etiquette-wise, because he cancelled the last date, he should be the one to reschedule. Technically, after a first date that a man initiates, the woman should initiate the next one. But since that rarely happens, men often initiate more than one date in a row. If she is willing to let things fizzle out on a technicality, more power to her. 3
Bobbi7 Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 I think its a turn-off. A man knows what he wants, "shy/timid" no such thing, he will go after her no matter what. 1
frus69 Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 I'm not sure why people seem to insist on saying that 'if a man is interested, he will make it happen', or something similar. If that is the case, then 'if a woman is interested, she will make it happen.' . lol men and women are different so no you cant say because men will pursue then women will too
TXGuy Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 (edited) lol men and women are different so no you cant say because men will pursue then women will too I know men and women are different. But as long as we are pretending they can be effective soldiers, police, and firemen; we can pretend they should put the same effort into relationships as men do. Edited March 15, 2016 by TXGuy
frus69 Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 I know men and women are different. But as long as we are pretending they can be effective soldiers, police, and firemen; we can pretend they should put the same effort into relationships as men do. If 2% of women are actually soldiers and police and firemen, expect 2% of us initiating contacts. In other words, don't expect much and men should initiate
TXGuy Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 If 2% of women are actually soldiers and police and firemen, expect 2% of us initiating contacts. In other words, don't expect much and men should initiate Well then. Men should be the ones to initiate and women have no business being soldiers, cops, firemen or managers. Or maybe times are changing and women are finally allowed to put some effort into moving relationships along. If OP likes this guy, there doesn't seem to be much downside to pushing things along. 1
Ferret Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 There is nothing wrong with a women who goes after what she wants every relationship ive had that has lasted any length of time I went after. I put the effort into it I made him see why I was worth it and that he was worth it to me. I have to agree women want to be treated like helpless "princesses" when it suits us that's a cop out I don't need a man to chase after me to tell me a relationship might work or not im a adult I can see things for myself it saves time and heartache in the end.. OP for what its worth I say if you like this guy then I would be upfront with him ask him if he shares the interest and if he wants to peruse things then go from there when you get his response don't treat dating like a game if you do you will lose more often then not.. 1
Ferret Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 If 2% of women are actually soldiers and police and firemen, expect 2% of us initiating contacts. In other words, don't expect much and men should initiate This is insulting to the female gender as a whole women have fought for years to be strong and independent why are you suggesting we move backwards when it comes to dating? if they cant expect much before the date how much should they expect out of the relationship? or let me guess that's the guys department to make it work long term too? 1
Jabron1 Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 with the pattern of our communication/me initiating I feel like if I don't do something he might be gone That's not good at all. You invited him out, and he cancelled. If you don't hear from him after this, he just isn't interested. I know men and women are different. But as long as we are pretending they can be effective soldiers, police, and firemen; we can pretend they should put the same effort into relationships as men do. Not sure if you're being serious, or just on a wind-up. If you are waiting for men to receive any benefits from 'equality', you'll be waiting a long time. 1
losangelena Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 I'm firmly in the, "if you want to pursue, then do it" camp. Case in point, I met a very shy/inexperienced guy about two weeks ago now. He got my number, and started texting me the next day, but didn't ask me out. That Friday, I was out at happy hour, and invited him to join, he said, "maybe." Ok, I took that as a no, but two days later, he starts texting again. Then, I drop a hint like, "would love to hear about it sometime!" which didn't prompt him to invite me out, either. Finally, last Friday, I tried one more time, I invited him out for a drink with a location and time. Again, he said maybe, and said he was going to another bar later. Figuring, alright he's not interested, I said, "I'll leave the inviting up to you next time!" I didn't think I'd hear from him, but later, he invited me to join him at the other bar. We ended up having a very fun night, talking with his friends and generally carrying on. He was still a bit shy/awkward, but throughout the evening, he got a bit more comfortable. Towards the end of the night, someone asked, "what's everyone doing tomorrow," and I said I was going to my friend's comedy show, and the guy I like said, "oh I'll go to that, send me the details." On the way home, he and his friends dropped me off (he only walks when he's going out to drink, which is smart), and one of his friends starts asking me what I do, how old I am, and is like, "would you ever date a younger guy (meaning the guy I like)?" I thought it was quite fun, cheeky banter, and yeah I was a bit nervous about it, but I made it really clear that I was interested. My guy seemed uncomfortable, but reiterated that I should send him show info, which I did the next day. His reply was, again, "maybe." He didn't show, and I haven't heard from him since. Why am I saying all this? Because I think it's alright, when a guy is a bit hot/cold, to, as the woman, pursue a bit to get some clarity. I'm at a point with this guy that I'm like, "ok, he's not interested," but it felt better to do a bit of pushing to find that out (because I wanted to, and I was interested), instead of waiting around for him and feel anxious. The story doesn't have a "great" ending, in that we're not dating now, but I learned something valuable, which is that rejection isn't that bad, and that if I'm interested in a guy, there's no reason why I can't do the initiating. Why do men get to, and why should they have to, take on that burden early on. I get what you're saying; a friend of mine warned me not to "overfunction," like my last relationship, and you don't want to set up a precedent of you putting in all the effort. But, if I were you, I'd ask him out again (regardless of typical etiquette in this situation), and get yourself in front of him and say, if he's interested, that he please invite you out sometime. That way he knows, and can act accordingly. If you've said something, and he still doesn't budge, well then you know and it's done and dusted. That is just me. I know many, many women don't feel that way, but I'm kind of in the "so what" camp. What's it matter? Yeah, I was nervous to ask him out on Friday, and was disappointed in his answer, but when all is said and done, I have clarity on the situation, and I don't have to deal with some wishy-washy chronic texter. 3
truth_seeker Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 He went strong for the first three dates. He might be thinking: "Why am I doing all the work? This girl into me? Let me test her." Now he is testing you to see if you will reciprocate his effort. Again, this is just a thought. Another thought is since he did cancel your offer, it could also mean you didn't put out enough on the three dates and he feels it isn't going in the direction he thought it would and lost interest.
road Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 Technically, etiquette-wise, because he cancelled the last date, he should be the one to reschedule. A wise man says pick the battles that are willing to fight to the death on. Etiquette mountain is never a good place go down in defeat. OP, said he is shy. He maybe shy, maybe not interested, maybe both. The point is the OP wants a relationship. She has nothing to lose by doing the asking to get this thing going. If she tries and fails she is no where worse off then before. She is still single. And, in a way better. She pushed the issue and if it did not work out she stopped wasting any more time on Mr Shy-guy. 3
katiegrl Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 (edited) Well then. Men should be the ones to initiate and women have no business being soldiers, cops, firemen or managers. Or maybe times are changing and women are finally allowed to put some effort into moving relationships along. If OP likes this guy, there doesn't seem to be much downside to pushing things along. If men were more responsive and actually getting into relationships with women who pursued them....then perhaps women would be more inclined to pursue. But the reality is, in 99.9% of the cases, when the woman does the pursuing, the man may go along with it, but ends up feeling "meh" and either fades or ghosts or finding another woman he is so into, HE will pursue her... Men (the vast majority of them anyway) are the hunters, the aggressors, it's part of their DNA. You may think it's unfair or unbalanced, and that is your prerogative. And if you prefer a woman to do the pursuing, then go for it, there *are* many women who prefer to *take charge* and like passive guys. I am just speaking generally in the vast majority of cases. And in my experience, and the experience of most women I have known and associate with, when WE have taken charge and done the pursuing in the early stages, men either never developed attraction for us, or eventually lost attraction and ended up feeling meh. There are ALWAYS exceptions of course, just speaking generally. My dad and brothers have told me "men value most the things they have to work for." I have found this to be true as well, especially when it comes to dating and relationships. Some things will never change, as much as we hope it will. Edited March 15, 2016 by katiegrl
katiegrl Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 (edited) A wise man says pick the battles that are willing to fight to the death on. Etiquette mountain is never a good place go down in defeat. OP, said he is shy. He maybe shy, maybe not interested, maybe both. The point is the OP wants a relationship. She has nothing to lose by doing the asking to get this thing going. If she tries and fails she is no where worse off then before. She is still single. And, in a way better. She pushed the issue and if it did not work out she stopped wasting any more time on Mr Shy-guy. He wasn't too *shy* to initiate their first three dates, so calling BS on this *shy* excuse. That said, after three dates, OP I see no reason why you cannot initiate the fourth. In fact, he may be waiting or wanting you to do that. OR, he may have lost interest...it's hard to know which with the limited info we have received. Edited March 15, 2016 by katiegrl
truth_seeker Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 My dad and brothers have told me "men value most the things they have to work for." I have found this to be true as well, especially when it comes to dating and relationships. I agree with this but at the same time there is reluctance on my part at times, as a man, because you put a lot of work in for nothing, ie, the woman was a tease, player, liar, etc... and I think, do I want to put the work in again when the result could be the same? That's why I rather have a woman initiate so I know she likes me, then I can put in the work because I know she is into me.
Gaeta Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 With all of my experience in dating, which is considerable, I can confirm to you that there is no such a thing as a man too shy to pursue a woman he likes. Chasing a woman they like is written in their genetics. They perfectly know how to do it and they will execute themselves if they are motivated enough. What I suspect happened here is he pursuit you for 3 dates and he got the feeling you were not THAT interested into him and he got interested in someone else. Letting a man pursue and initiate 3 dates without reciprocating is a big mistake on women's part. A man needs a green light! You let him invite you 1st and 2nd date and 3rd date is on you. You initiate it, and pay for it. Here is another secret, men are looking forward to hear from us as much as we are looking forward to hear from them. After that 1st date you need to initiate at least, minimum, 1 time out of 3. And finally, I can also confirm that a man that drops the ball after 3 dates is because he met someone else. A man doesn't let down a prospect if he doesn't already have another one lined up. Sure pursue him, it will be a good learning experience. 1
katiegrl Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 I agree with this but at the same time there is reluctance on my part at times, as a man, because you put a lot of work in for nothing, ie, the woman was a tease, player, liar, etc... and I think, do I want to put the work in again when the result could be the same? That's why I rather have a woman initiate so I know she likes me, then I can put in the work because I know she is into me. What? You have admitted previously that when the woman approaches YOU and pursues YOU, she ends up being a liar, a tease or even has a boyfriend! So which is it? TS, I have said this to you before, but when pursuing, PAY ATTENTION to how SHE is responding. In your case, you have admitted yourself, you get very caught up in the woman's beauty and lose sense of who she is as a person and how she is responding to you! If you like a girl, ask her out. Then pay attention! Ask questions, get to know her, find out who she is. Stay grounded! If after a date or two, you see signs she is a flake, a tease or has a boyfriend.... it's next. Don't allow her beauty to become the over-riding factor and ignore red flags.
MightyPen Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 It all comes down to whether I like the woman. Much as if a woman likes a guy, she will generally view his aggressive pursuit as romantic and exciting, whereas if she doesn't like the guy, she would view such pursuit as "creepy" or "desperate." So yeah, if the woman is smart, funny, at least moderately hot, and shows genuine interest in me, then it would be awesome. If she's not those things, she would fall into the "weirdo stalker" category. It's all in the eye of the one being pursued. 2
truth_seeker Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 What? You have admitted previously that when the woman approaches YOU and pursues YOU, she ends up being a liar, a tease or even has a boyfriend! So which is it? It's a lot of things. What can I tell you... There's a phrase I've heard that resonates with me: There are many you date and the one you marry. Still dealing with the "many"
introverted1 Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 Guys and girls are welcome to reply, of course, but was more curious as to how guys think about my situation. In a nutshell - met a shy/quiet guy online, but he initiated all contact for our first three dates. All went well when he suddenly stopped initiating contact after third date. I waited a bit before initiating contact (expecting him to have dropped off), but much to my surprise he's replied enthusiastically. Since then it's been me initiating all contact (about 1-2 times per week). I asked him out for a fourth date, to which he originally said yes, but had to cancel last minute due to a (relatively) understandable reason. He's been traveling since, but I've initiated texts and he still enthusiastically responds. However, he hasn't asked me out again and he's finished his travels in a few days. Ideally I would like him to ask me out again since he bailed on our last date, and in my opinion the ball's in his court. However, with the pattern of our communication/me initiating I feel like if I don't do something he might be gone. So to give this relationship a fighting chance (since I really do like him and it's not often I find a guy I like), I can initiate the next date. However, I'm worried this will set the pattern for the rest of our relationship, or that my pursuing could turn him off. Any opinions? Ball is in his court, imo. If you want, there is no harm in reaching out again, but I tend to think that when one person has to cancel, it is up to him/her to suggest the alternative.
Recommended Posts