Author Amytm Posted March 15, 2016 Author Posted March 15, 2016 Correct me if I'm wrong... But kids always come first, even if the parents are together. If my kids are sick I'd have to cancel the date. I won't miss a sports game or holiday concert to go on a date. Whether it was with a husband or new man. I want to make sure he doesn't feel like he comes after everything else in life. But also that my kids needs come first. My profile says that I have kids but that's it. Should it say how many? My kids never see their dad, haven't for 3 years. So I am the sole parent. They stay with my parents every Friday overnight. When the date felt right I had my mom come over to babysit, but that's only happened twice. My kids need routine, I'm not going to disrupt it for just any guy. Again, correct me if I'm wrong... But I want a man who will be a good step dad to my kids. I want him to treat them as they are his own. Their dad is not in their life. I want them to have a father figure. I don't expect them to call him dad, but I want him to be a step dad, not just "moms husband". I had a guy message me yesterday. His profile says he has a good job, degree, divorced, attractive and 32. He has 5 kids, 9, 7, 6, 4 and 2. And wants more. They live with him " most of the time". I haven't messaged back. All his message said was "Hey lovely, how are you doing this fine evening? Kids asleep with time to chat?". I am feeling a bit overwhelmed with the potential idea of 9 kids and wanting more.
GorillaTheater Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 I had a guy message me yesterday. His profile says he has a good job, degree, divorced, attractive and 32. He has 5 kids, 9, 7, 6, 4 and 2. And wants more. They live with him " most of the time". I haven't messaged back. All his message said was "Hey lovely, how are you doing this fine evening? Kids asleep with time to chat?". I am feeling a bit overwhelmed with the potential idea of 9 kids and wanting more. Go for it! Speaking from personal experience, once you get past four or five the numbers start to not matter. Christmas would be a riot, figuratively and literally. 1
Gaeta Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 I had a guy message me yesterday. His profile says he has a good job, degree, divorced, attractive and 32. He has 5 kids, 9, 7, 6, 4 and 2. And wants more. They live with him " most of the time". I haven't messaged back. All his message said was "Hey lovely, how are you doing this fine evening? Kids asleep with time to chat?". I am feeling a bit overwhelmed with the potential idea of 9 kids and wanting more. The more the merrier. They're all under 10, they will entertain each other. If someone out there can understand your struggle it's him. Also it's not marriage, it's a coffee-date. 3
salparadise Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 (edited) Correct me if I'm wrong... But kids always come first, even if the parents are together. Ok, I'll correct you because in it's simplest form this is wrong. The order of priorities for healthy, functional families is: 1. Yourself, because if you're not well you can't take care of anybody else. 2. The marriage, because if the marriage fails everything under its auspices will come apart. 3. Household and family unit, because this is the system that supports all the individuals. 4. Individual children. It's exactly the same concept securing your oxygen mask first. It's a practical necessity. If my kids are sick I'd have to cancel the date. I won't miss a sports game or holiday concert to go on a date. Whether it was with a husband or new man. I'm talking high level priorities, not day-to-day practicalities. Of course you have to stay home and take care of sick children. Duh. I want to make sure he doesn't feel like he comes after everything else in life. But also that my kids needs come first. These are parallel priorities, both important but different. Kind of like putting gas in the car vs. changing the oil. It wouldn't be rational to allow the tank to go empty because you're overdue for an oil change. Sometimes urgent comes before important... but if you only focus on urgent then the system will eventually fail. My kids never see their dad, haven't for 3 years. So I am the sole parent. They stay with my parents every Friday overnight. When the date felt right I had my mom come over to babysit, but that's only happened twice. My kids need routine, I'm not going to disrupt it for just any guy. Again, correct me if I'm wrong... But I want a man who will be a good step dad to my kids. I want him to treat them as they are his own. Their dad is not in their life. I want them to have a father figure. I don't expect them to call him dad, but I want him to be a step dad, not just "moms husband". It's a shame that their father has abandoned them. A real shame. I'm sorry. Perhaps you will find a man willing to take on the role as step-father in a more active way since the father is gone... but I think you'd be making a mistake to put that forth as your primary criteria in the dating world. Men want to date women. Period. Most men in their 20s and 30s, even 40s are going to want to invest in families of their own, not devote their life to raising another man's kids. But even if they're open to that, they are still going to want a good wife first and foremost... a functional home second... and within that context many will be accepting of your children and many of those will be willing to help parent them. There are probably zero men out there in the dating world saying, "damn, I wish I could find an instant family so I can devote my life to proliferating another man's genes." Men and children are not like apples and apples; more like apples and a ribeye steak. Different categories, different types of priorities, not always in direct competition with one another. Edited March 15, 2016 by salparadise 5
mike_89 Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 I had a guy message me yesterday. His profile says he has a good job, degree, divorced, attractive and 32. He has 5 kids, 9, 7, 6, 4 and 2. And wants more. They live with him " most of the time". I haven't messaged back. All his message said was "Hey lovely, how are you doing this fine evening? Kids asleep with time to chat?". I am feeling a bit overwhelmed with the potential idea of 9 kids and wanting more. I think you should indeed look for a man who has children already, because no man (except for the desperate types) who wants children of his own will choose a woman who already has four. The only realistic options left are the men who don't want children and the men who already have children, and I'm pretty sure you're not going to let a man who has made the choice to father no children in your family, which has exactly that which he chose not to have. This feeling overwhelmed that you describe is very likely how all guys feel once they find out you have so many children. Having four children at age 26, no father in their lives and you receiving child support from the guy can really give the impression that there's all kinds of things wrong with you and that they better off without you in their lives. Guys will ask themselves, "how did she end up like this" and more importantly (when they hear your story), they will ask themselves how much of the story you tell them is true. Most guys don't just leave their family for nothing and guys know this, even though your ex just sounds crazy and left you for no reason. It sounds way too convenient and I doubt many guys will believe it (and if they do, you're still the one who chose to have children with this man). I think you're really best off dating men who already have children of their own because they'll be more understanding of your situation. 2
LivingDeadGrl Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 I think you should try and find someone with 2 or more kids, that way they can relate and also won't run away. Also the chances of them wanting another are probably slim to none. I was talking to a guy a couple months ago and once he told me he had 4 kids, I was instantly turned off. I have one daughter, and maybe would consider having another if I meet the right guy, but for me someone with 4 kids is too much. Everyone has their preference of what they can handle. I don't think you should write off the guy with 5 kids, because the thought of 9 "overwhelms" you. He probably doesn't have them 24/7. The guy is probably in the same boat as you with not many options. It's sad to say that having that many kids affects your dating life and how people view you, but unfortunately that's reality. I hope you can find someone who accepts you and your kids with open arms. You just have to be willing to do the same, or wait until your kids are older before you worry about meeting any man. I also don't think you should settle for anyone, but maybe broaden what you're willing to accept.
TXGuy Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 I had a guy message me yesterday. His profile says he has a good job, degree, divorced, attractive and 32. He has 5 kids, 9, 7, 6, 4 and 2. And wants more. They live with him " most of the time". I haven't messaged back. All his message said was "Hey lovely, how are you doing this fine evening? Kids asleep with time to chat?". I am feeling a bit overwhelmed with the potential idea of 9 kids and wanting more. It sounds like even you are reluctant to get involved with someone who is similarly situated as you are. Having children will filter out some prospects. Having more than 2 will filter out more. I've dated women with children before, but I can't recall doing so with anyone with more than 2. Do you have an idea of what type of guy you want? What type of guy who would do?
Author Amytm Posted March 15, 2016 Author Posted March 15, 2016 I'm not turned off by him having kids. If anyone is going to understand my situation it's him. I'm just nervous to get into a situation I'm not sure about. Like if I'm not sure if 9 kids is a good idea it's not fair to try. Or is that wrong? That's what dating is about? I've only dated my ex and we got together at 15. His profile says "his kids are with him most of the time so he's a busy guy". Where do you put 9 kids in a house... Or car. I know I'm reading too far into it and should stop. I don't want to mess it up. The other men I've talked to or went on dates with just vanished. I'm nervous to message him and say slmwthign wrong.
stillafool Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 More than likely any man you get involved with is going to have alot of kids because they are the ones who would understand and sympathize with your situation. You may as well give this guy a try. Doesn't mean you have to get serious.
GorillaTheater Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 His profile says "his kids are with him most of the time so he's a busy guy". Where do you put 9 kids in a house... Or car. I know I'm reading too far into it and should stop. I don't want to mess it up. The other men I've talked to or went on dates with just vanished. I'm nervous to message him and say slmwthign wrong. It's just a date. He hasn't proposed yet. 1
Sara1989 Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 I'm not turned off by him having kids. If anyone is going to understand my situation it's him. I'm just nervous to get into a situation I'm not sure about. Like if I'm not sure if 9 kids is a good idea it's not fair to try. Or is that wrong? That's what dating is about? I've only dated my ex and we got together at 15. His profile says "his kids are with him most of the time so he's a busy guy". Where do you put 9 kids in a house... Or car. I know I'm reading too far into it and should stop. I don't want to mess it up. The other men I've talked to or went on dates with just vanished. I'm nervous to message him and say slmwthign wrong. Calm down, you haven't even messaged each other yet. Dating is a tough game and you need have thick skin.
Author Amytm Posted March 15, 2016 Author Posted March 15, 2016 It's just a date. He hasn't proposed yet. I know right. I need to stop over thinking. I just need to figure out what to message back that doesn't come off a wrong way.
road Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 I'm not turned off by him having kids. If anyone is going to understand my situation it's him. I'm just nervous to get into a situation I'm not sure about. Like if I'm not sure if 9 kids is a good idea it's not fair to try. Or is that wrong? That's what dating is about? I've only dated my ex and we got together at 15. His profile says "his kids are with him most of the time so he's a busy guy". Where do you put 9 kids in a house... Or car. I know I'm reading too far into it and should stop. I don't want to mess it up. The other men I've talked to or went on dates with just vanished. I'm nervous to message him and say slmwthign wrong. There is nothing to worry about. Believe me has is having trouble getting dates as well. You like the photo then meet for coffee.
Author Amytm Posted March 15, 2016 Author Posted March 15, 2016 There is nothing to worry about. Believe me has is having trouble getting dates as well. You like the photo then meet for coffee. So would he be desperate? I don't feel like I'm desperate. I messaged him back and he asked if I want to meet for coffee. I said I'm free Friday or weekdays during my lunch (2 hours). He said how about tomorrow. Is that too soon?
GorillaTheater Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 I messaged him back and he asked if I want to meet for coffee. I said I'm free Friday or weekdays during my lunch (2 hours). He said how about tomorrow. Is that too soon? I don't think so. There's really no reason to put it off. The sooner you know whether or not there's mutual interest, the better, right?
Author Amytm Posted March 16, 2016 Author Posted March 16, 2016 Having four children at age 26, no father in their lives and you receiving child support from the guy can really give the impression that there's all kinds of things wrong with you and that they better off without you in their lives. Guys will ask themselves, "how did she end up like this" and more importantly (when they hear your story), they will ask themselves how much of the story you tell them is true. Most guys don't just leave their family for nothing and guys know this, even though your ex just sounds crazy and left you for no reason. It sounds way too convenient and I doubt many guys will believe it (and if they do, you're still the one who chose to have children with this man). You're right about that. And I guess there is nothing I can do to change that opinion. I chose to have children with him. That probably shows really bad judgement on my part. It was stupid decisions. I don't want people to always make the wrong assumptions about me. Or be with a man and have him always think poorly of me.
Recommended Posts