26 with [4] kids..... Dating trouble

[Amytm]

I'm 26 and I have 4 children (7, 5, 4, 4).

 

I was in a LTR and got pregnant accidently. After she was born my (now ex) boyfriend wanted to try for another, then another which ended up twins. He pushed kids quite a bit and always wanted a big family. We were engaged and had a wedding planned and paid for. But he randomly walked out and hasn't been around since. He's the only man I've ever had sex with so I'm nervous to venture out.

 

Obviously I'm having a hard time dating. When I meet men in real life they run when they find out I have kids. I've been trying OLD but mostly get messages about sex or being an easy lay. Or that no one would ever date me. When I do get a guy genuinely interested he tends to ask a lot of questions like how many dads (all the same dad) or if I want more or if hes around and if not why.

 

The dates never go anywhere. I'm open to dating a man with kids, provided he's present in their life. And I don't think I'm being picky about looks but I do want someone I am attracted to and will be good around me kids.

 

I have never introduced a man to my kids. I really want to find someone but so far I've had no luck. Is it really impossible to find someone? I fully support myself, have a university degree and good job, just bought a house.

[Tressugar]

Dating with kids is very difficult. Even with one child my boyfriend as well as myself found it hard. You'll find someone who'll overlook or even embrace the fact that you have four children. G'luck in your search.

[Amytm]

That many kids is probably going to be too much for a guy around your age. Maybe try someone a few years older? A lot of guys become more open to dating women with children as we get older.

 

I have the age range set up to 34. I feel like that's pushing it and would be more comfortable with 32 but don't want to limit it. I'm afraid of getting with someone and just being too far apart. Is 34 not old enough?

 

Men around my age mostly message for a hook up or to say I won't find anyone. The men who show interest are usually 32+. But the ones my age who show interest seem desperate.

 

I feel like men look at my profile and assume I'm some immature person who got knocked up by a bunch of guys, living off government support.

 

I've only had sex with 1 man and a friend of mine said I need to sleep around to get more experience so I'll be more confident. I don't even know how to do that.

[Leigh 87]

First off, you should be really proud. It is amazing that you have a degree and decent job. Being able to support 4 children is admirable. You are someone many men would look up to.

 

My friend is dating a lady with 5 kids all to different dads. Yet she has a degree and a great job and supports ALL her children and does well for herself!

 

He is studying to be a teacher and loves kids though.

 

I would have dated a man with kids. Although I would have rather not have due to wanting my own and wanting us to have been through the same experiences as I can't relate to someone with kids as I don't yet have any.

[LostOnes05]

Nope you don't need to sleep around to get more confident...confidence comes from within, from setting goals and accomplishing them. Not from having a slew of sexual partners. Would you really want another child from some fly by night guy?? My guess is no.

 

I'm not going to lie to you. Having four children and trying to date as a single mother is definitely going to be difficult, no matter what age range you choose especially with them being so young. I wish you the best but understand that it will be trying.

[SammySammy]

I have the age range set up to 34. I feel like that's pushing it and would be more comfortable with 32 but don't want to limit it. I'm afraid of getting with someone and just being too far apart. Is 34 not old enough?

 

Men around my age mostly message for a hook up or to say I won't find anyone. The men who show interest are usually 32+. But the ones my age who show interest seem desperate.

 

I feel like men look at my profile and assume I'm some immature person who got knocked up by a bunch of guys, living off government support.

 

I've only had sex with 1 man and a friend of mine said I need to sleep around to get more experience so I'll be more confident. I don't even know how to do that.

 

I don't think sleeping around will make you more confident. Ignore that advice.

 

Having had one partner will be a positive for some men.

 

I think you should be patient. Cautious. Selective. I understand you want companionship, but be careful about the men you bring in your life and your kids lives.

 

I think you can find love, but it is going to take the right man at the right time. Don't rush it.

[Lady2163]

Forget OLD and look for parents without partners groups, church meetings for single parents or meet ups.

[Ferret]

I've only had sex with 1 man and a friend of mine said I need to sleep around to get more experience so I'll be more confident. I don't even know how to do that.

 

 

Eww no you don't but you might want to find higher quality friends..

its going to be harder being that you have 4 kids its sad the guy you were with did that to you maybe waiting until after the marriage to start the "big family" would have been better but hind sight is always 20/20 as they say..

 

Now im not saying you have to settle but you might have to not be quite as picky as you might have been able to be pre kids...? just a thought. ether way good luck hope you find some one in the end..

[xcupid]

"a friend of mine said I need to sleep around to get more experience so I'll be more confident. I don't even know how to do that."

Glad you don't know how to do that. Sorry to say, but your friend isn't doing you any favors at all by giving you that so called "advice."

[lino]

That is a tough situation you're.

 

I'd agree with those saying to see if there are single parents groups.

 

I'm almost 34 and childless and even I wouldn't get involved with a woman with so many kids.

[Gaeta]

Practically where are you going to find the time to date with 4 little kids?

 

I was dating a single dad last year of 4 kids (16-14-7-3) and even though his 2 oldest kids could babysit at times it was humanly impossible for him to find time to date with all the kids needs and his changing work schedule (nurse). Sometimes we spend 3 weeks without a date.

 

That being said if I were you I would take the approach 'my children and I are a package'. I would showcase my family instead of feeling worried men will feel intimidated.

 

Lastly accept at this time your job is to be a mom and dating may not be in your cards till they're all in school full time.

[road]

I'm 26 and I have 4 children (7, 5, 4, 4).

 

I was in a LTR and got pregnant accidently. After she was born my (now ex) boyfriend wanted to try for another, then another which ended up twins. He pushed kids quite a bit and always wanted a big family. We were engaged and had a wedding planned and paid for. But he randomly walked out and hasn't been around since. He's the only man I've ever had sex with so I'm nervous to venture out.

 

Obviously I'm having a hard time dating. When I meet men in real life they run when they find out I have kids. I've been trying OLD but mostly get messages about sex or being an easy lay. Or that no one would ever date me. When I do get a guy genuinely interested he tends to ask a lot of questions like how many dads (all the same dad) or if I want more or if hes around and if not why.

 

The dates never go anywhere. I'm open to dating a man with kids, provided he's present in their life. And I don't think I'm being picky about looks but I do want someone I am attracted to and will be good around me kids.

 

I have never introduced a man to my kids. I really want to find someone but so far I've had no luck. Is it really impossible to find someone? I fully support myself, have a university degree and good job, just bought a house.

 

 

 

 

Bad side is you having 3 more after the accident and not being married. It shows poor judgment on your part to potential new men in your life.

 

 

Good side is they are all from the same dad.

 

 

You see this is why men ask you if they all have the same bio dad. Sadly because there are too many woman around that are your age and have had a multiple kids all with different men. Hardly any man wants that kind of woman for a wife.

 

 

You are asked is if the ex around is too many times new men here your story and they may consider taking you and the kids on but they hear too many horror stories where the new man gets cheated on with or dumped for the old POS ex.

 

 

You have to go NC with your ex and make it known to the new man that they will never have to deal or have the ex intrude on your lives.

 

 

Kids aside you appear to be a catch. You are getting interest from OLD so you are attractive, educated, great job and you bought a house, supporting yourself, and 26 which is young.

 

 

Fair for you to want the same.

 

 

Problem for you finding a man is because an a man 26 to 30 that like you is attractive, educated, great job, owns his own house is not going to want a ready made family.

 

 

He is also going to want to have his own kids. Are you willing to have 2 more kids with the man you marry? Are you willing to raise 6 kids? Put 6 kids through college? That is a lot of work and money to commit to.

 

 

If the answer is yes that you would be willing to have 2 more kids with your future husband you need to make that known up front.

 

 

I agree that the advice that you need to have sex with more men is not the answer to getting a husband. If you only had sex with your ex that means your number is a 1. It is important plus that you have not been promiscuous to your future husband.

 

 

Also do not be anxious to date to large of an age gap. 4 year gap and under. There are reasons why a man is 36 and not married.

 

 

Also as pointed out before the man that is everything that you are with looks, education, income is going to go for the woman like you except without the kids.

 

 

This means you are going to have to settle on some areas. Everyone wants their BF/GF/spouse to look good enough to be an underwear model, not to short or to tall, employment and income to brag about.

 

 

Yes you need someone attractive though male model level is not needed to have an attractive man.

 

 

Income - well you have that covered. Very important that a man can keep a steady job. So the income is not great. Him being able to stay working speaks loudly about him being stable.

 

 

I think a person like you is not suited for OLD. It does not show all of your high qualities. All OLD is draw the creeps to you because they wrongly believe that you are easy because they do all their thinking with their mind in the gutter, their little head, or both.

 

 

You need to be proactive and ask quality men out on your own. Also net work, meaning tell you parents, aunts, uncles, relatives, to market you.

 

 

Then join hobbies, activities, sports, dancing, where you get to know people and get known.

[Gaeta]

I really want to find someone but so far I've had no luck. Is it really impossible to find someone? I fully support myself, have a university degree and good job, just bought a house.

 

It takes time.

 

I am attractive, professional, own my home and all that. My only daughter has moved out a few years ago. It still took me almost 4 years to find a decent man online.

 

Finding someone is not easy, period. Don't think it's going to happen within a couple of months. It's a long term project and you need patience.

[startingagain15]

I'm 40 and widowed with four kids (12,11,8,4) , had only been with my late husband. I thought I'd be alone until my kids were grown. I waited 3 years to try dating, and just put up a profile as a "feeler" with no real thought as to anyone possibly being interested. But it turned out I met a great guy (45 and divorced with older kids), and we've been dating a year now.

 

So the possibility is there. I think because you are young it will be hard though and the guys on OLD around your age won't be looking for someone with so many kids. Finding someone IRL might be easier. Good luck, hope you find someone, but just focusing on the kids right now might be what you have to do for a while.

[stillafool]

It's true that the guys in their late 20's, early to mid 30's, who have never married are probably not going to want a woman with children because they want to start their own family.

[Amytm]

I know having kids before we were married, especially planning them, was stupid. He was a convincing, manipulative guy. He wanted me to just keep having babies. He wanted another right after the twins were born. He was never supportive of me finishing school. He wanted me to just work retail. He convinced me into things I normally wouldn't do, like bringing other women into the bedroom. All my kids were vaginal delivery and you are supposed to wait 6-8 weeks to have sex again, he never wanted to. He would always wake me up in the middle of the night by pulling my pants down and just sticking it in. I didn't realize how bad it all was until after he left. He was really good with the kids though and looked after them a lot.

 

I haven't talked to or heard from him since he walked out. He pays child support but that's as much as he is involved. We haven't had any contact in 3.5 years.

 

I'm nervous to have sex with another man because I've only been with him. I know what he likes but that's it. I don't know how to please other guys or what not to do. I'm nervous what it would be like after having 4 vaginal babies. I don't masturbate he got mad when I did because I wouldn't be turned on for him, and I just got use to it.

 

I would be open to having more kids with whoever I end up marrying. I'm healthy, had very easy pregnancies and deliveries. I love kids. I'll never take on more than I can afford but my job is perfect for having kids.

 

I work only during school hours, I'm off all school holidays. My salary increases each year and I'll end up in the 6 figures. I don't need the child support money, so that has been going into a school account. About $2000/month.

 

All my kids are in full time school. I'm at work while they are in school. They are all in activities so after school is busy. I know it will be hard to find time for a relationship. My parents take the kids every Friday and keep them overnight. That's the time I've been using to go on dates.

 

I work in a elementary school so I've chatted with a couple of the male teachers. I've gone on a few dates with 1 but he hasn't contacted me in a week. On the last date he asked more about my kids and if their dad was around. I guess I scared him off. Basically all I said was their ages, a sentence about each and that no, their dad isn't around and how long our relationship was. He seemed fine through the rest of the date and asked if I wanted to go back to his place.

 

I'm not looking for a never married, super sexy, well off man. I just want someone I get along with, will be good to my children and treat them as his own, I'm not repulsed by and who has a job. They don't need to make a lot of money. I just want to be comfortable, which I am on my own salary.

Edited March 15, 2016 by Amytm

[salparadise]

That being said if I were you I would take the approach 'my children and I are a package'. I would showcase my family instead of feeling worried men will feel intimidated.

 

No, no, no! Even men who are willing to accept children will be put off by that. Men want to date a woman... and if she has kids she needs to demonstrate that she knows the distinction here. This is important.

 

I'm dating a woman with two kids. We talk about the kids and I understand that they are inseparable in one sense, but the relationship is strictly between her and me. I've met the kids (high school age) a few times, but that's it. Ninety-nine percent of the time we spend together is the two of us alone.

 

The kid's father is in the picture and I am definitely not auditioning for that role. If we do end up getting married I will not insert myself into their lives beyond being helpful and supportive as their mother's new husband.

 

OP, showing that you know how to manage this aspect is going to be critical to attracting a man who is good for you, imho.

[Gaeta]

Don't worry about any of this.

 

My ex-husband was my only one till I divorced him around 35. I was super nervous about being intimate with someone else. After it happened I remember thinking 'that's it !!'. There is no revelation, no guilt, no feeling of guilt, nothing. It's normal to have sex, we've had it since the beginning of time, it's like dancing, just follow the lead and learn about your new partner.

 

Do not excuse having 4 children. Do not go in explaining why you had them outside of marriage. You did, period. Anyone frowning upon it can go date someone else. You need to lift your chin up! and be proud of who you are, and your beautiful family.

[Gaeta]

No, no, no! Even men who are willing to accept children will be put off by that. Men want to date a woman... and if she has kids she needs to demonstrate that she knows the distinction here. This is important.

 

I'm dating a woman with two kids. We talk about the kids and I understand that they are inseparable in one sense, but the relationship is strictly between her and me. I've met the kids (high school age) a few times, but that's it. Ninety-nine percent of the time we spend together is the two of us alone.

 

The kid's father is in the picture and I am definitely not auditioning for that role. If we do end up getting married I will not insert myself into their lives beyond being helpful and supportive as their mother's new husband.

 

OP, showing that you know how to manage this aspect is going to be critical to attracting a man who is good for you, imho.

 

I did not mean to put them on a poster lol.

 

She has 4 children, she needs to be forward with that information, it won't scare the right man.

 

My only child is an adult, I have 100% of my freedom. Last year I met this single dad with 4 girls. It didn't scare me one bit ! Actually his love for his girls, his devotion to them, his pride toward them swept me off of my feet.

[salparadise]

I did not mean to put them on a poster lol.

 

She has 4 children, she needs to be forward with that information, it won't scare the right man.

 

My only child is an adult, I have 100% of my freedom. Last year I met this single dad with 4 girls. It didn't scare me one bit ! Actually his love for his girls, his devotion to them, his pride toward them swept me off of my feet.

 

Right- don't hide the information, but SHE is the package. What a man needs to see is that she can make him a priority at the same time as her kids are a priority, and that she has the awareness, judgement and skill to achieve a healthy balance.

 

On dating sites when I see a profile where the woman had pics of the kids, leads with how they are her life and all of that mess, it's an instant next. And I am one who is not hesitant to accept kids. But I would never accept being the last priority, behind four kids, three cats, two dogs and a goat.

 

This just seems like common sense to me... but like most LS topics, there's always someone who sees it exactly the opposite.

 

My gf knows how to make me a priority in her life. She does not use the kids as an excuse, cancel dates, say maybe... depends on the kids. Good judgement, drawing distinctions, and setting boundaries are make or break skills for single parent dating. Gotta get this part right.

[Gaeta]

Right- don't hide the information, but SHE is the package. What a man needs to see is that she can make him a priority at the same time as her kids are a priority, and that she has the awareness, judgement and skill to achieve a healthy balance.

 

On dating sites when I see a profile where the woman had pics of the kids, leads with how they are her life and all of that mess, it's an instant next. And I am one who is not hesitant to accept kids. But I would never accept being the last priority, behind four kids, three cats, two dogs and a goat.

 

This just seems like common sense to me... but like most LS topics, there's always someone who sees it exactly the opposite.

 

My gf knows how to make me a priority in her life. She does not use the kids as an excuse, cancel dates, say maybe... depends on the kids. Good judgement, drawing distinctions, and setting boundaries are make or break skills for single parent dating. Gotta get this part right.

 

How old are your girlfriend's kids?

 

A single mom has no choice to prioritize her children over a boyfriend especially at OP's kids age. There will be when the kids are sick, when the dad can't pick them up, there will be school recitals, the soccer game, homework, etc. OP has 4 years old twins. They need a routine and they need it disturbed as little as possible. Her older kids are only in grade 1 or 2, again they need a routine, dinner, homework, shower, bed story, they need this in their life more than ever now that mom and dad are divorced. How do you want her to put a boyfriend on the same level as her young children?

[amaysngrace]

Instant family....just add water.

[GorillaTheater]

One suggestion I have is to look for a man with a lot of kids, too. Someone who like me would say "yeah? Just four?"

[amaysngrace]

One suggestion I have is to look for a man with a lot of kids, too. Someone who like me would say "yeah? Just four?"

 

Yea right? A lot of people can't have kids so to them having kids would be a real strength.

 

Just make sure your guy isn't an infertile psycho OP or he could be jealous of your ex who doesn't fire blanks.

 

Breeding like bunnies!!

[salparadise]

How old are your girlfriend's kids?

 

A single mom has no choice to prioritize her children over a boyfriend especially at OP's kids age. There will be when the kids are sick, when the dad can't pick them up, there will be school recitals, the soccer game, homework, etc. OP has 4 years old twins. They need a routine and they need it disturbed as little as possible. Her older kids are only in grade 1 or 2, again they need a routine, dinner, homework, shower, bed story, they need this in their life more than ever now that mom and dad are divorced. How do you want her to put a boyfriend on the same level as her young children?

 

Early teens. Old enough to be left alone for several hours at a time, thankfully.

 

Of course they're her primary responsibility in life, and I wouldn't want it any other way. I'd lose respect for anyone who wasn't dedicated to their parenting role. So these literal examples you cite are understood and accepted.

 

What I mean is that these are two different kinds of priorities that run on parallel tracks. Most of the time it's simply not an issue because a) I understand and accept that there will be times when we can't see each other because of the kids, and b) because she understands the importance of making me feel like I'm important in her life as well, and when we schedule time nothing interferes short of an emergency situation.

 

Granted, younger kids are going to have a lot more needs than older ones, and four is twice as many as two.