mariopeachbowser Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 Well before I start on what happened here's some background on us.. Been together 7 months. I don't work and get SSI for an extreme anxiety disorder. My bf works and is extremely extroverted and I'm introverted. He doesn't understand my anxiety at all and in the past made me feel bad about not wanting to go out to parties and such, but apologized and hasn't made me feel all that bad about it until recently. Today I was just joking around and saying "I faked my disorder so I can play video games all day.. jk". Then he responded with "I wish you faked it". This upset me, made me feel like my anxiety bothers him a lot but I can't control it. Am I just overreacting? I called him an ******* and he said he was just teasing me. I'm still hurt by this though and I keep going back and forth in my mind whether or not I should break up with him over this. 1
CarrieT Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 Today I was just joking around and saying "I faked my disorder so I can play video games all day.. jk". That is beyond passive-aggressive on your part. This upset me, made me feel like my anxiety bothers him a lot but I can't control it. Am I just overreacting? I called him an ******* and he said he was just teasing me. I'm still hurt by this though and I keep going back and forth in my mind whether or not I should break up with him over this. You might not be able to control your anxiety, but you CAN control what insults spew from your mouth. From what I read, you started it, he reacted, and then you started calling him names. Don't be surprised if the relationship doesn't last. Personally, I would break up with you if I were in his shoes; not because you have anxiety, but because you apparently are allowed to joke about it but he isn't. You can't have it both ways and it looks as though you are using your disorder to manipulate him and the relationship. 5
Author mariopeachbowser Posted March 15, 2016 Author Posted March 15, 2016 That is beyond passive-aggressive on your part. You might not be able to control your anxiety, but you CAN control what insults spew from your mouth. From what I read, you started it, he reacted, and then you started calling him names. Don't be surprised if the relationship doesn't last. Personally, I would break up with you if I were in his shoes; not because you have anxiety, but because you apparently are allowed to joke about it but he isn't. You can't have it both ways and it looks as though you are using your disorder to manipulate him and the relationship. Okay, but I was obviously joking and he wasn't. I'm not using it to manipulate him and the relationship. I'm probably being oversensitive though, due to other things going on in my life at the moment too. Thanks for your reply. 1
CarrieT Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 Okay, but I was obviously joking and he wasn't. You don't understand that your version of "joking" *IS* passive-aggressive and is a form of bullying. And it is obvious to YOU, but possibly not to the recipient of the statement. I'm not using it to manipulate him and the relationship. You don't see it that way but from an outsider, it looks like you are not only over-reacting, but milking it... I'm probably being oversensitive though, due to other things going on in my life at the moment too. I think you should take a good, hard look at what you say and how you say it. Again, I would be hurt by what you had said - even if you meant it as a joke - as there may feel like a kernel of truth exists in the statement. 2
Author mariopeachbowser Posted March 15, 2016 Author Posted March 15, 2016 You don't understand that your version of "joking" *IS* passive-aggressive and is a form of bullying. And it is obvious to YOU, but possibly not to the recipient of the statement. You don't see it that way but from an outsider, it looks like you are not only over-reacting, but milking it... I think you should take a good, hard look at what you say and how you say it. Again, I would be hurt by what you had said - even if you meant it as a joke - as there may feel like a kernel of truth exists in the statement. I'll admit I was overreacting. I don't like to milk anything though except cows lol. He wasn't hurt by my comment. Thanks for sharing how you think though, made me realize how unreasonable I was being.
basil67 Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 Discussion of your jokes aside, your boyfriend's reaction was one of honesty. I'm sure he does struggle with your anxiety issues and the restrictions it places on his social life. And how do you know he wasn't hurt by you calling him something hideous? What are you doing to help yourself? Are you taking meds? Doing CBT? Ongoing help with a psychologist? 1
Author mariopeachbowser Posted March 15, 2016 Author Posted March 15, 2016 Discussion of your jokes aside, your boyfriend's reaction was one of honesty. I'm sure he does struggle with your anxiety issues and the restrictions it places on his social life. And how do you know he wasn't hurt by you calling him something hideous? What are you doing to help yourself? Are you taking meds? Doing CBT? Ongoing help with a psychologist? Yeah, I took his struggle with it too personally. I struggle with different things about him too, but in the end we both love each other and make things work. I called him an a-hole, nothing super offensive, and he agreed, and admits to being one all the time. He wasn't hurt or offended by that at all. I'm seeing a therapist. He's helped a lot Thanks for the reply and interest.
PandaPookie Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 I dont think you were overreacting. Simply living with anxiety is hard enough. I know. I had very bad social anxiety while in school and still do in certain situations. Your boyfriend probably doesn't have anxiety and doesn't understand it. But before you break up with him, tell him exactly how you feel and he shoud at least try to understand it. It's unacceptable for him to make you feel bad about this. It's not like you asked to have anxiety.
spriggan2 Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 It's super frustrating to have anxiety and have people not understand it. I've had anxiety and someone told me to "just get over it." Ugh... I don't see how joking about it is manipulative. However, OP, you have to realize that when you joke about it, to some people it may come across as you don't care too much about how it effects other people, or how it's making their own life difficult, not just yours. If your BF is struggling to sympathize, then acting flippant may irritate him, even though to you it's probably some humor you use to cope, he may not see it that way. You have to be just as sensitive to him as he should be to you. I would encourage you to continue your effort to get better. For me my biggest problem is socializing. My brain just freezes and I can't think of what to say, so I just embarrass myself and start pouring sweat and pacing and shaking and my speech literally falls away after a few words. It's horrible. However I still keep going out to social places. Just because I might fail doesn't mean I can't physically go out, take my legs to a place and let the breakdown happen. The more I go the less painful it is, and the longer I last before I reach failure. These days it's much less painful, I'm keeping myself together. Also this video changed my whole approach to my negative thought patterns that cause my anxiety. Depending on the anxiety you have, you may want to check it out. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5L2oOlSOACA Finally, as you put work in to improving, figure out how much you want to involve your BF. I had experience doing some cognitive behavioral therapy with my ex. On the one hand it was fun, but on the other it was also frustrating because she was very impatient. I had the same experience with my friend who thought I could just stop "thinking too much" and relax and everything would get better. My therapist actually seems to understand when I'm really trying, and I know deep down, I am really trying and making progress. Good luck!
Phoenician Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 I dont think you were overreacting. Simply living with anxiety is hard enough. I know. I had very bad social anxiety while in school and still do in certain situations. Your boyfriend probably doesn't have anxiety and doesn't understand it. But before you break up with him, tell him exactly how you feel and he shoud at least try to understand it. It's unacceptable for him to make you feel bad about this. It's not like you asked to have anxiety. Dear, I don't believe anxiety is an issue , the issue with passive aggressive ppl is that ; they can go into silent treatment without feeling what they have caused to others,they rarely apologize for the mess they make ; and whats more important they don't give to others the right even to do or say of what they do . I've been living 18 years with such a person ... I can accept if she rage and appologize , or even make it up . Anxiety is just a symptom , if the roots of it are normal ( a quiz, a challenge , a phobia ....) it is not an issue . When the person is passive aggressive , it is totally different story . it is a nightmare . the difference is : Givology a PA can never really give , he/she gives only where there is a beneifit hiddent for them ... it sucks !
d0nnivain Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 For you to have anxiety to such an extreme that you qualify for SSI -- which is a special benefit for somebody who has never been able to work -- I'm kind of shocked that you even have a BF. I'm happy for you but candidly, the level to which your anxiety must rise, makes me wonder how you managed. With that level of anxiety, its no wonder he doesn't understand what you are going through. Your stress levels must be extreme to the point where it will be extremely hard for anybody else to understand what you are going through so stop with the sarcasm & cut him a break. If he's with you, by definition he has to be more sensitive & understanding then most
preraph Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 Of course it bothers him! How can you expect someone not to be bothered by something that keeps you and him from living a full and normal life? I hope you've done all you can do to treat this condition. There's new medications every day and combination therapies to try. My friend is married to someone with a type of anxiety, probably not the same as you and he is often a nonparticipant in raising their kids or even being her companion, and now one of their kids seems to be following in his footsteps. There's no up side to it. And people with anxiety usually have a list of excuses a mile long why they're not still in therapy or why they won't take medicine -- because their anxiety is preventing them from getting help. It's very frustrating to watch. That's why I saw you need to continue to seek help for it and cooperate and follow doctors' orders and try different therapies and meds. Only if he knows you are doing the maximum to fix your problem will there be a chance of staying together (or with anybody).
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