BPD trait female w/ NPD trait male

[Falkor]

I dated a man for 3.5 years. Let's call him John. From the first moments I met him it was literally like lightning struck me. We had an instant connection. I was three months out of a 3 yr relationship. When I met him I tried to keep the relationship platonic because of our age difference. I was 25 and he was 21.

 

John fit like a glove, our physical attraction to each other was intoxicating. By our 3rd date we were intimate, it was so intense. This was the beginning of me venturing down the proverbial rabbit hole.

 

The next three years were complete and utter chaos. I went into to full blown co-dependent mode. He cheated on me incessantly and I cheated when I felt lonely. We broke up constantly. With each breakup he would hoover me back into accepting his calls and hanging out. Next thing I know I'm right back where i started. John kept in contact with and hung out with people he cheated with. Eventually our sex life became non-existent and he regularly accused me of being controlling.

 

During the last year John left me for someone else for a few weeks but it didn't work out. After this we got back together. This time it wasn't quite the same, because this one was someone he really wanted, & he continued to obsess over her. This sent me off the deep-end and I began having violent outbursts and raging. I had been able to suppress my temper for the majority of our relationship. I had some issues with splitting, he was either the devil or the love of my life. Toward the end he was mostly the devil.

 

Most recently I broke up with him due to constant issues with trust, an increasingly critical view of me, and his growing indifference. John "was unsure" of whether he saw a future with me but refused to break up with me. One night two weeks before I left he whispered, "Promise you'll never leave me." I have since changed my number and have gone NC for 4 weeks. He tried to reach out a few times and he since stopped.

 

I still care about him but no longer want to be with him. I obsess about whether or not he cares. Can we ever be friends? Is no contact forever, can I ever transition into Low Contact? Is it even worth it? Does contact after no contact ALWAYS hinder the healing process?

[Downtown]

I obsess about whether or not he cares.

The answer largely depends on how strong his narcissistic traits are. If he exhibits full-blown NPD, he is incapable of loving you or truly "caring" for you. This is not to say, however, that you are not important to him. Like a favorite automobile, a great TV, or a wonderful Hi-Fi system, you may be important in satisfying his needs for a while. As soon as that stops, however, a narcissist will walk away from you.

 

Can we ever be friends?

Again, this depends on the severity of the behavioral traits. If your BPD traits are strong and untreated, you are incapable of trusting him -- even if he were actually trust worthy (which he is not). This would mean that you likely are incapable of being his close friend -- or anyone's close friend -- for very long because trust is the foundation on which all friendships must be built. Similarly, if he has full-blown NPD traits, he is incapable of sustaining a close LTR -- or friendship -- because he likely is incapable of loving or truly caring for you or anyone else.

 

This is not to say, however, that full-blown narcissists and BPDers do not form relationships lasting many years. On the contrary, most of the long-term relationships that BPDers have tend to be with excessive caregivers (like me) or narcissists. Because these relationships are toxic and harmful to both parties, and because the narcissists cannot truly love, I would not call these relationships "friendships."

 

In such a R/S between NPDers and BPDers, the narcissist provides the stable sense of self identity -- and the grounding and sense of direction -- that the BPDer sorely needs. At the same time, the narcissist's abusive treatment of the BPDer "validates" her false self image of being "The Victim." Narcissists are able to satisfy all those needs because, unlike BPDers, narcissists generally are very stable.

 

Similarly, the BPDer is able to satisfy the narcissist's need for frequent "validation" of his false self image of being "special" and nearly perfect. Moreover, both the narcissist and the BPDer usually are able to accomplish all that without being too suffocated. Because both of them cannot tolerate intimacy for very long, their frequent fighting gives BOTH of them a lot of mini-vacations away from the intimacy. They both need those frequent breaks from intimacy and thus compliment each other in that way too.

[carhill]

I still care about him but no longer want to be with him.

Yes, care doesn't have to be all or nothing. One can care and not wish to be intimate and connected. Happens a lot in life.

I obsess about whether or not he cares.

Good news is you're in charge of that. It's completely within your control. The sticky wicket is the tendency to idolize or demonize without much or any middle ground. The polarized feelings create strong emotional memories which manifest as 'obsess'.

Can we ever be friends?

Sure, go bowling sometime or help some disadvantaged kids or whatever activities you share in common, like with friends. Think about what you do with a girlfriend. Go shopping!

Is no contact forever, can I ever transition into Low Contact?

No one can tell you how much or little to contact someone. It's whatever works for you. Whatever is healthy for you.

Is it even worth it?

IDK. Define worth. That's individual. What about contact, or no contact, brings you satisfaction in your life? Health?

Does contact after no contact ALWAYS hinder the healing process?

IMO, if you discern the differences, it matters. If it's a non-event, meaning you don't consider contact to be any significant change, than IMO not a hindrance, rather a non-event. Part of life. Living.

 

I won't get into the BPD/NPD stuff but do recall an old affair partner who's done really well with a guy who demonstrated marked signs of narcissism during the years I knew him. They 'got' each other and could play each other like fine violins and seemed very content last I saw them. I watched their relationship grow from an affair to living together over a ten year period. Learned a lot. I didn't know what BPD was nearly 3 decades ago when first meeting her, yup, while she was married and had me and two other guys she told me about on the line. Spectacular. Anyway, it works for some folks; only way to know is to go. All relationships have risks. Nothing is perfect and neither are any of us. We all have our stuff.

[OXS550]

 

I still care about him but no longer want to be with him. I obsess about whether or not he cares. Can we ever be friends? Is no contact forever, can I ever transition into Low Contact? Is it even worth it? Does contact after no contact ALWAYS hinder the healing process?

 

 

His age could play a lot in it. I'm friends with two long term exes, that I no longer have feelings for. I hated them briefly, but after enough time they were a ghost. A year or two later in each case, I can talk with them about their relationships etc. Attended ones wedding.. but there's no desire to be with them. It takes time and not everyone can do it. But it is possible if you're in control of yourself. Only you know if contact with him with keep the wound open.

 

 

Lightning does strike in the same place twice, its just a matter of time. You'll feel that again, just focus your feelings right now.