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Why would he deny cheating (even with evidence), then ask if I am dating

JourneyToFindMe

By JourneyToFindMe
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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JourneyToFindMe Member

JourneyToFindMe

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Hi everyone,

 

He texted me from a different number today. I blocked him on whatsapp...so I guess he realized he was blocked and found another way to text.

 

He told me that he is going to leave a gift I gave to him a few years ago at my gate at some point. I hand-made this gift. It was a symbolic gift that represented the 'key to my heart'. I put so much time and thought into it, and he knew this.

 

Now he says he's giving it back and I think he's doing this just to hurt me.

 

He's also still saying that I am wrongly accusing him and it's sad that I am judging him wrongly then ignoring him when he tries to text.

 

I want to break NC, but I'm trying to stay strong.

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dreamingoftigers Established Member

dreamingoftigers

Posted
Posted
Hi everyone,

 

He texted me from a different number today. I blocked him on whatsapp...so I guess he realized he was blocked and found another way to text.

 

He told me that he is going to leave a gift I gave to him a few years ago at my gate at some point. I hand-made this gift. It was a symbolic gift that represented the 'key to my heart'. I put so much time and thought into it, and he knew this.

 

Now he says he's giving it back and I think he's doing this just to hurt me.

 

He's also still saying that I am wrongly accusing him and it's sad that I am judging him wrongly then ignoring him when he tries to text.

 

I want to break NC, but I'm trying to stay strong.

 

Oh waaah for him.

 

He might be returning the gift as a way to encourage breaking NC. Cheaters almost pathologically can't admit to the hurt they've caused and often try to paint themselves the victim.

 

You already know the truth and he can suck it.

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JourneyToFindMe Member

JourneyToFindMe

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Oh waaah for him.

 

He might be returning the gift as a way to encourage breaking NC. Cheaters almost pathologically can't admit to the hurt they've caused and often try to paint themselves the victim.

 

You already know the truth and he can suck it.

 

Now I'm feeling anxiety about him possibly stopping by unannounced, on an unknown day.

 

You're so right about them painting themselves as the victim. When he texted he also reiterated that I have given up on him and he would not be texting me if he wasn't hurt and wants me to just say hi to him, saying that 'it would make a difference for him'.

Zahara Established Member

Zahara

Posted
Posted
Now I'm feeling anxiety about him possibly stopping by unannounced, on an unknown day.

 

You're so right about them painting themselves as the victim. When he texted he also reiterated that I have given up on him and he would not be texting me if he wasn't hurt and wants me to just say hi to him, saying that 'it would make a difference for him'.

 

Yep, he can't stand the fact that you are in control. He is going to try anything to get you to break.

 

Personally, if there was a time to break NC, this would be it for me. I would be firm and direct and tell him that he needs to leave you alone and that under no circumstance should he be coming to your home and that you would like to cease all contact moving forward. Then block that number as well.

 

These types will bust your boundaries until they get what they want.

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candie13 Established Member

candie13

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you need to understand he has NOTHING to lose. He has no sense of guilt, no conscious about the harm and hurt he caused you.

 

He cares about one thing: himself.

 

And the more he initiates contact, the higher chances he has of getting you back. He almost seems a sociopath.

 

It's not that he cheated. People cheat, lie, etc. It's how they react after they do it. Do they confess immediately? Are they sorry? Do they care about you, hurting you? do they feel guilty? Are they suffering? Do they try to alleviate your pain? Are they promising you they will change? Are they reassuring you?

 

this guy... seems a bit of a narcissist. Almost sociopath. Fully lacking empathy. Lying, denying and trying to get you back. No recognition of the impact of his actions on you. On your piece of mind. He will break your heart repeatedly. He will f*ck you and continue to f*ck others because if you took him back once, you'll take him back again, in the future. I cringe at the thought of the lack of empathy. I wouldn't allow him to even breathe near me. He's a creep. He seems able to say he's out to buy bread and f*ck a girl and come back and have dinner with you like nothing happened.

 

People with no conscience are the most very most dangerous. Extremely self centered.

 

I wouldn't walk, I'd RUN.

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BC1980 Established Member

BC1980

Posted
Posted
Now I'm feeling anxiety about him possibly stopping by unannounced, on an unknown day.

 

You're so right about them painting themselves as the victim. When he texted he also reiterated that I have given up on him and he would not be texting me if he wasn't hurt and wants me to just say hi to him, saying that 'it would make a difference for him'.

 

If he comes by, don't go to the door. It's that simple. He wants you to say HI to him because it will help him. It won't help you to stay in contact. Anyone that has some decency would leave a person alone. That's common sense.

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dreamingoftigers Established Member

dreamingoftigers

Posted
Posted
Now I'm feeling anxiety about him possibly stopping by unannounced, on an unknown day.

 

You're so right about them painting themselves as the victim. When he texted he also reiterated that I have given up on him and he would not be texting me if he wasn't hurt and wants me to just say hi to him, saying that 'it would make a difference for him'.

 

I'm crying a river for him right this very second.

 

Too bad those other women saying 'hi' to him wouldn't make quite the same difference. Maybe if he sends a few more dick pics, he will find a nice girl that will greet him back and not accuse him of "irrational" things, like sending dick pics out to other women. :rolleyes:

 

If he was just going to return the gift and wash his hands of it all, he would just return it or mail it and shut up about his sad sausage story.

 

Guys like this tend to try to "work" multiple women at a time. Some as "gfs" some as "FWBs." You can bet he didn't just go with a Sherpa and hide up Mount Everest after you dropped him. You are on his "list" and he cycles through until he gets a nibble from you, like a random-reward system.

 

Dont waste your text on him. It's unlikely he will ever be truly honest to anyone without serious counseling and introspection.

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dreamingoftigers Established Member

dreamingoftigers

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If he comes by, don't go to the door. It's that simple. He wants you to say HI to him because it will help him. It won't help you to stay in contact. Anyone that has some decency would leave a person alone. That's common sense.

 

Yeah, I would be embarrassed to be so pushy with someone that wants nothing to do with me. Wouldn't most people?

  • Like 1
candie13 Established Member

candie13

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he is not hurt... I mean he is hurt, because he is losing you. Like you are an asset or a property. He is acting out of sheer self interest. Protecting himself, not you.

 

Is this all you expect from a bf? Don't you want someone to think about YOU? Your interest? you feelings ? Someone to at least honestly apologize for cheating? Just how low are your expectations when it comes to a RS?

 

In order for you to keep your boundaries, you need to be convinced that he is bad for you. The moment you get convinced he is worthless, two things will happen:

1. he will feel it. He will feel he is losing power over you

2. you won't be here to asking advice about how to reject him. You just will, because you will know, in your heart, he is a dangerous, heartless sorry excuse of a human being.

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preraph Established Member

preraph

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Very few guys will do anything but deny when confronted about cheating. And why does he have the nerve to ask you if you're dating? Because he's a collector. He doesn't think of you catching him cheating as the end as long as he won't admit it, and his ideal isn't to date you or one woman, but to date as many as he can get away with. And I imagine he has had women before who knew he was cheating but backed down or turned a blind eye to it. Block him so he can't interfere with your dating or play with your heart. He's a cad.

  • Like 3
Emilia Established Member

Emilia

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His true character is showing through OP. You don't want someone like him in your life. Stay strong!

  • Like 2
LD1990 Established Member

LD1990

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Great job keeping up NC, JourneyToFindMe. He's trying to use any trick he can think of to get some control over you again, because when you don't play his games, he has no power over you, and that's driving him crazy. That's the thing about liars and manipulators - if you play their games, they win.

 

I caught my ex in so many lies, and she always found a way around it. She'd just stack lies on top of lies, and if she was caught in one lie, she'd minimize how bad it was with more lying. I'd find evidence she was texting another guy behind my back to hang out. Call her out on it, no she wasn't, she doesn't even know who I'm talking about. Find more evidence - OK, she knows who it is, it's some weird guy in her class who she had to exchange numbers with for a project, but she never made plans to hang out with him. Then it's my fault for not trusting her and making her feel bad.

 

There's only one way you win against a compulsive liar, and that's by not playing. It's hard, but it's what you have to do. He's probably bluffing about returning the gift, that's the best way he could think of to get a reaction out of you. On the off chance he does show up, don't open the door for him, just ignore him. If he doesn't leave, that's harassment and you have every right to call the police. Hell, you could get a restraining order on him right now if you wanted.

  • Like 3
len51 Established Member

len51

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It is not uncommon for a person to deny cheating even in the face of hard evidence. Some will have their spouse walk in on them and still deny what they saw. Say it enough and sometimes both will question what they saw. Sometimes people do not want to believe that their lover cheated on them so they will grasp at anything that they hear as an excuse.

 

The two girlfriends who cheated on me both denied it even though in one case the guy, my friend, told me he was having sex with her and for me to dump her because she is not faithful to me. In the other case, others knew of her affair and were told by the guy that he was having sex with her but she denied it too.

As far as I am concerned, whether true or not does not matter. If I think it is true, true or not, I will react the same and distrust the person for the rest of my life.

 

It is also not uncommon to think that your lover also cheated since you did and probably many friends did also. It is estimated that up to 70% of men cheat so it is pretty common and in m y 65 years, I believe that number having known lots of guy and even gals, who cheated.

 

Best thing to do is forget all about him. Do not let him occupy your thoughts. For some reason, people let others bother them even though the other person is doing nothing to make that happen. They just can't let go of it. The best revenge is to have a good life. You lose if you let what an ex did affect your life. the two women who cheated on me contacted me later in life to tell me how bad their lives were. I think they were hoping that my life was bad too but instead all they heard was of my personal and marital success and let them know that I forgave them and that losing them made my life better than I even imagined it could be. Let them think about that. :)

  • Like 2
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JourneyToFindMe Member

JourneyToFindMe

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As much as I don't want to admit this, I broke no contact on Monday.

 

Everything that transpired yesterday has convinced me that my ex is the most selfish person I have ever known. I cannot believe I was in a relationship with someone like this for nearly 4 years.

 

The truth of the matter is, it affected me that he said I was wrongly accusing him and gave up on him, but 'he didn't'. It really hurt me and as much as I wanted to ignore him, yesterday, I caved and sent him the pictures and said to him how sad it was that after all the years we were together he cannot just be 100% honest and real with me. I asked him if he can look back on our relationship throughout the years and downright look within himself and say that he is being wrongly accused.

 

He twisted what he originally said around and resorted to minimizing and downplaying. He said that he is not denying that he has spoken to people but he did not go to meet anyone. WTF!? Yea...Like somehow emailing dick pics and telling a woman through whatsapp "it's all yours" after sending pictures of yourself in the shower is ok just because you did not meet the person. THIS is the kind of man I was involved with.

 

But that wasn't the end. I let him talk, you know why? I wanted to truly see the reality of who this man is and how much of a SCUMBAG he is so that I NEVER even THINK about seeing or speak to him EVER again. Not a minute later after what he said above, he immediately entered selfish (and perhaps even narcissistic) territory. He went on to tell me that 'it's hard on him' and he 'knows I am done but I can at least say hi' and that he is 'not trying to justify anything anymore, but all he wants is for me to talk to him, that's it'. He also said that he will take back my stuff to me, 'it means nothing anymore' and he is 'tired of the constant ignoring'.

 

I replied to him and said 'Are you seriously saying that because you didn't meet anyone that made it ok? I have NOTHING more to say to you. Do not return anything to me'.

 

His reply was not only a half hearted 'apology', he also managed to ease in some finger pointing for good measure, because that's what selfish people do right? He said that he is not saying its ok, but he was 'wrong in the first place', but that I also dealt with it wrongly (me disappearing on him and not answering his calls for months). He also said that he told me the truth, he did not meet anyone but again, he was wrong in the first place. An hour later, his last words to me before I blocked him on the other number:

 

"Say something plz

I'm begging

Ive been trying so hard but u ignoring me"

 

I am so disgusted right now, honestly. I don't even know this man anymore.

 

It's like I'm typing this and I feel like it's someone elses life.

Edited by JourneyToFindMe
Zahara Established Member

Zahara

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It's not surprising. It's just a bunch of word twisting and finger pointing. I think that was the reason why it was best to go NC because conversations like these are futile. They accomplish nothing. If someone was a scumbag while with you, why would you ever think they'd do the right thing by you now? Hence, it's useless.

 

Hopefully you block him this time and you've had enough of this crazy-making.

  • Like 2
LD1990 Established Member

LD1990

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Posted

Definitely block him on everything and continue blocking him if he finds new ways to contact you. If he doesn't stop, go to the police for harassment. You're never going to get anything out of a conversation with him besides these typical insincere apologies followed by explanations about how it's all your fault. Which are nice when you want to tell people "my crazy horrible ex" stories, but it sounds like you already have enough of those.

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JourneyToFindMe Member

JourneyToFindMe

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Thank you Zahara and LD1990. I appreciate you responses and support.

dreamingoftigers Established Member

dreamingoftigers

Posted
Posted
As much as I don't want to admit this, I broke no contact on Monday.

 

Everything that transpired yesterday has convinced me that my ex is the most selfish person I have ever known. I cannot believe I was in a relationship with someone like this for nearly 4 years.

 

The truth of the matter is, it affected me that he said I was wrongly accusing him and gave up on him, but 'he didn't'. It really hurt me and as much as I wanted to ignore him, yesterday, I caved and sent him the pictures and said to him how sad it was that after all the years we were together he cannot just be 100% honest and real with me. I asked him if he can look back on our relationship throughout the years and downright look within himself and say that he is being wrongly accused.

 

He twisted what he originally said around and resorted to minimizing and downplaying. He said that he is not denying that he has spoken to people but he did not go to meet anyone. WTF!? Yea...Like somehow emailing dick pics and telling a woman through whatsapp "it's all yours" after sending pictures of yourself in the shower is ok just because you did not meet the person. THIS is the kind of man I was involved with.

 

But that wasn't the end. I let him talk, you know why? I wanted to truly see the reality of who this man is and how much of a SCUMBAG he is so that I NEVER even THINK about seeing or speak to him EVER again. Not a minute later after what he said above, he immediately entered selfish (and perhaps even narcissistic) territory. He went on to tell me that 'it's hard on him' and he 'knows I am done but I can at least say hi' and that he is 'not trying to justify anything anymore, but all he wants is for me to talk to him, that's it'. He also said that he will take back my stuff to me, 'it means nothing anymore' and he is 'tired of the constant ignoring'.

 

I replied to him and said 'Are you seriously saying that because you didn't meet anyone that made it ok? I have NOTHING more to say to you. Do not return anything to me'.

 

His reply was not only a half hearted 'apology', he also managed to ease in some finger pointing for good measure, because that's what selfish people do right? He said that he is not saying its ok, but he was 'wrong in the first place', but that I also dealt with it wrongly (me disappearing on him and not answering his calls for months). He also said that he told me the truth, he did not meet anyone but again, he was wrong in the first place. An hour later, his last words to me before I blocked him on the other number:

 

"Say something plz

I'm begging

Ive been trying so hard but u ignoring me"

 

I am so disgusted right now, honestly. I don't even know this man anymore.

 

It's like I'm typing this and I feel like it's someone elses life.

 

There you go.

 

See I don't see the harm in breaking NC for that.

 

Total closure now. No question.

 

Frankly, if you didn't show up at his place with a baseball bat screaming at the top of your lungs some crazy crap, then yes, YOU HANDLED IT FINE.

 

The second he cheated, he terminated your relationship. You didn't owe him a thing, except for MAYBE some nasty words about his character, which you didn't do. So again, he can suck it. He has nothing to stand on about how "you reacted." Pffft.

 

I'm glad you didn't marry this dork. Imagine a couple kids and he's wailing "it's was just a one-time thing, she meant nothing, I didn't think I would get her pregnant and give you an STD." That's the kind of bullet you've dodged here.

 

And now you know and have seen the whiny victim he acts like when confronted about it.

 

You know what? You were victimized and conned by him for years, and yet you aren't whinging about it all. You are DOING something to move yourself and your life forward, despite the hurt, despite some self-doubt. You are a string person, your are leaving this garbage in the dust. Good for you.

 

Keep going.

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