Why would he deny cheating (even with evidence), then ask if I am dating

[JourneyToFindMe]

I recently spoke to (my now ex bf) about him cheating on me. We have been broken up for quite some time now, but he had been trying to contact me for days asking for answers (I broke up with him without giving him a specific reason for the breakup). While we were together, I suspected he was cheating for quite some time. I even point blank asked him if he had/was, and he said no. I still had suspicions, so I did some digging in his email. Well...in addition to very inappropriate pictures, I found a whatsapp conversation where inappropriate things were said.

 

I had screenshots of the convo, so I sent it to him. He denied the whole thing. In fact, he denied that the person in the convo was even him (even though his name was clearly one of the participants, plus I found the convo in HIS EMAIL INBOX). He had emailed the chat to himself from his phone (for what reason, I don't know). After sending him the screenshots, he said some BS that didn't make sense, something along the lines of it was someone pretending it's him, and that he's not even going to try to justify himself because he knows it's not him and I am wrongly accusing him.

 

Not once did he ask me where I found this convo. Not once.

 

I was going to also send him screenshots of the inappropriate photos he had emailed to girls (I had seen some of these exact photos before), but I didn't bother, because I knew he would deny that too.

 

Do you know that this guy had the nerve to ask me later that day if I am dating anyone? Of course I ignored him, but why would he even ask me that? Now, 2 days later, he has asked me again today and said if it's too much of a big question to ask

Edited March 14, 2016 by JourneyToFindMe

[elaine567]

I recently spoke to (my now ex bf) about him cheating on me.

 

...I had screenshots of the convo, so I sent it to him. He denied the whole thing. In fact, he denied that the person in the convo was even him (even though his name was clearly one of the participants, plus I found the convo in HIS EMAIL INBOX). He had emailed the chat to himself from his phone (for what reason, I don't know). After sending him the screenshots, he said some BS that didn't make sense, something along the lines of it was someone pretending it's him, and that he's not even going to try to justify himself because he knows it's not him and I am wrongly accusing him.

 

 

Its called gaslighting

[Zahara]

Cheaters deny, deny, deny. And they gaslight as elaine567 mentioned. If he gets you to doubt yourself, hopefully you'll open the door again.

 

Why does he still have access to you? Block him.

[JourneyToFindMe]

Wow... at one point I was kind of doubting myself. There was something else I asked him about and he denied it as well, so I was like he seriously has an explanation for everything? He will say anything to deflect blame from himself. Do people who gaslight ever feel guilt or remorse for what they do?

 

It's quite insulting to me actually that he would blatantly lie to me then turn around and ask me if I'm dating and talk to me as if we are friends.

 

I kind of want to send him the screnshots of the photos I found, say to him 'You had many opportunities to be honest with me. Please respect the fact that I do not want to talk to you' then block him. Yes/No?

Edited March 15, 2016 by JourneyToFindMe

[Zahara]

Do people who gaslight ever feel guilt or remorse for what they do?

 

Why would they? They do it because they have no self-awareness into their behavior and it fits their agenda.

 

It's quite insulting to me actually that he would blatantly lie to me then turn around and ask me if I'm dating and talk to me as if we are friends.

 

Then block him.

 

I kind of want to send him the screnshots of the photos I found, say to him 'You had many opportunities to be honest with me. Please respect the fact that I do not want to talk to you' then block him. Yes/No?

 

Don't. People like him don't care what you think. They don't care that you're hurt. They don't care that their actions have affected you. Do you actually think a cheater cares to be honest just because you gave him many opportunities?!?! They don't -- they just want to pull the wool over your eyes and hope you allow them another go at you.

 

Stop engaging with him. Block him without a response. If anything, he'll get a great ego stroke by your response because it'll show that you're still affected by him.

[Simon Phoenix]

Wow... at one point I was kind of doubting myself. There was something else I asked him about and he denied it as well, so I was like he seriously has an explanation for everything? He will say anything to deflect blame from himself. Do people who gaslight ever feel guilt or remorse for what they do?

 

It's quite insulting to me actually that he would blatantly lie to me then turn around and ask me if I'm dating and talk to me as if we are friends.

 

I kind of want to send him the screnshots of the photos I found, say to him 'You had many opportunities to be honest with me. Please respect the fact that I do not want to talk to you' then block him. Yes/No?

 

No. Just block him. Stop chasing your tail. You know he cheated -- why does it matter what he says about it?

[LD1990]

Wow... at one point I was kind of doubting myself. There was something else I asked him about and he denied it as well, so I was like he seriously has an explanation for everything? He will say anything to deflect blame from himself. Do people who gaslight ever feel guilt or remorse for what they do?

 

It's quite insulting to me actually that he would blatantly lie to me then turn around and ask me if I'm dating and talk to me as if we are friends.

 

I kind of want to send him the screnshots of the photos I found, say to him 'You had many opportunities to be honest with me. Please respect the fact that I do not want to talk to you' then block him. Yes/No?

 

My ex was the same way. She would manipulate me, lie, lie by omission, you name it she did it. I get why you're insulted, because honestly some of the lies my ex would tell me were insulting to my intelligence, but the thing is she wouldn't back down. That's how they get you. You expect someone who gets caught lying to eventually just admit to it, but they never back down and it gets to the point where you're like "Okay if they were lying they would've given up by now."

 

I wouldn't bother sending screenshots. He's not gonna feel bad. He's just gonna try to manipulate you again in some way, most likely by denying it and turning it around to make you look like the bad guy. Expect some lame story like this all happened because of a phone glitch, his app was acting up recently, and you clearly don't trust him because you're paranoid, so this is your fault.

[dreamingoftigers]

My ex was the same way. She would manipulate me, lie, lie by omission, you name it she did it. I get why you're insulted, because honestly some of the lies my ex would tell me were insulting to my intelligence, but the thing is she wouldn't back down. That's how they get you. You expect someone who gets caught lying to eventually just admit to it, but they never back down and it gets to the point where you're like "Okay if they were lying they would've given up by now."

 

I wouldn't bother sending screenshots. He's not gonna feel bad. He's just gonna try to manipulate you again in some way, most likely by denying it and turning it around to make you look like the bad guy. Expect some lame story like this all happened because of a phone glitch, his app was acting up recently, and you clearly don't trust him because you're paranoid, so this is your fault.

 

Yeah, pretty much expect to be told "something's wrong with you" for not believing him.

 

And expect him to tell any mutual friends that you cheated on him with "lots of guys."

 

It's pretty much their MO. Idiots, the lot of them.

[sandylee1]

My dear..your ex is as useful as a chocolate teapot.

 

Cheaters lie and lie till they believe it themselves .. it's who they are

 

You ever seen the video by Shaggy the rapper called 'it wasn't me'?

 

Even being caught on camera.. he denied denied denied.

 

 

Don't waste your breath or time on him.

[dreamingoftigers]

My dear..your ex is as useful as a chocolate teapot.

 

Cheaters lie and lie till they believe it themselves .. it's who they are

 

You ever seen the video by Shaggy the rapper called 'it wasn't me'?

 

Even being caught on camera.. he denied denied denied.

 

 

Don't waste your breath or time on him.

 

Ugh I remember that song.

It actually made me feel embarrassed, that's how bad it is. I couldn't help but feel bad for the girl and just abhor the subject guy who even threw in a token "oh I feel bad about this" line. Really? Oh, it shows!

[JourneyToFindMe]

This whole thing just saddens me, honestly. It saddens me that he doesn’tcare, when I was nothing but loyal to him.

 

He sent another message last night, saying “Are you goingto answer the question”. Apparently it is oh so important for him to know if I am dating. It’s ridiculous.

 

If I block him, wouldn’t that show that I am affected by him,since I am putting up a block? If I just ignore him, wouldn’t that make muchmore of an impact?

[dreamingoftigers]

This whole thing just saddens me, honestly. It saddens me that he doesn’tcare, when I was nothing but loyal to him.

 

He sent another message last night, saying “Are you goingto answer the question”. Apparently it is oh so important for him to know if I am dating. It’s ridiculous.

 

If I block him, wouldn’t that show that I am affected by him,since I am putting up a block? If I just ignore him, wouldn’t that make muchmore of an impact?

 

You know what?

 

I don't think I could block without firing off those screen shots and saying "I'm not dating YET. But I will, so eff off. I need a cheating loser like I need the STDs you'll probably acquire and pass on."

 

I know there's the high road and all. I think a tiny tiny detour off of the high road isn't going to kill you. You decided your path already, don't engage him anymore after the last word, then block.

 

I wouldn't give two craps if cheater-pants thinks I'm "immature." Maybe I am. I can live with that. But I won't support getting cheated on.

[OXS550]

Block him! Trust me you don't wanna go back down that path. Or at least never respond and watch the true person come out, as he loses his control on you. He denied it because he is selfish and doesn't want knocked of his pedestal.

 

I'm a month and a half into not being a doormat and i'm feeling happier each day. You will never get what you are looking for, as far as understanding it. He knows what he did. Once you catch them in a lie, you can pretty much assume 90% of what they say is bs. Just understand what you deserve and that's someone loyal who puts YOU on a pedestal. Do not give him the satisfaction of answering his questions. Take back your control and power.

[dreamingoftigers]

Block him! Trust me you don't wanna go back down that path. Or at least never respond and watch the true person come out, as he loses his control on you. He denied it because he is selfish and doesn't want knocked of his pedestal.

 

I'm a month and a half into not being a doormat and i'm feeling happier each day. You will never get what you are looking for, as far as understanding it. He knows what he did. Once you catch them in a lie, you can pretty much assume 90% of what they say is bs. Just understand what you deserve and that's someone loyal who puts YOU on a pedestal. Do not give him the satisfaction of answering his questions. Take back your control and power.

 

Either way block the idiot.

 

You don't need him bugging you from time to time as you try to heal and move on. It can really set you back.

 

If you have to get the final word in, do so. But make sure it's FINAL. Don't let him have ten seconds to respond. Cut it all off. DO NOT RE-ENGAGE or take any further bait from him after that. He will try. They all do. They want to cake-eat and string you along. Don't do that. Never do that.

 

Just slam that door hard. Either way.

[sandylee1]

Ugh I remember that song.

It actually made me feel embarrassed, that's how bad it is. I couldn't help but feel bad for the girl and just abhor the subject guy who even threw in a token "oh I feel bad about this" line. Really? Oh, it shows!

 

The song makes me laugh...but shows a cheater will default to lying...it's what they're good at.

[Zahara]

This whole thing just saddens me, honestly. It saddens me that he doesn’tcare, when I was nothing but loyal to him.

 

Unfortunately, we're all not alike and there are people out there that will take advantage of you. You can't project your qualities on others. You were loyal so take pride in the person that you are and while you offered it to someone that never appreciated it, you need to look at this as a lesson and a blessing.

 

He sent another message last night, saying “Are you goingto answer the question”. Apparently it is oh so important for him to know if I am dating. It’s ridiculous.

 

What's ridicilous is you still being open to his contact. I'm not sure what you hope to gain from doing this -- at the end of the day this is over and you're never going to revisit him again. So what does it do for you other than an ego stroke to know that he still is affected by you emotionally, which isn't true and far from it -- he's doing this for no other reason other than his need to know if he is still in control of you.

 

If I block him, wouldn’t that show that I am affected by him,since I am putting up a block? If I just ignore him, wouldn’t that make muchmore of an impact?

 

This isn't about what he thinks. The fact that you're more concerned about what he thinks is baffling when what should be more important is YOU, prioritizing your mental and emotional health. You come first. Not what he thinks-- especially someone who mistreated you. Why are you concerned about what some cheater thinks?

 

What would make a better impact -- blocking him so you do not have to deal with confusion and disappointment everytime he reaches out. Peace of mind -- let that be your impact.

 

Correct me if I am wrong -- he won't know if he is blocked. I don't think he gets a message saying he is blocked.

Edited March 15, 2016 by Zahara

[Simon Phoenix]

This whole thing just saddens me, honestly. It saddens me that he doesn’tcare, when I was nothing but loyal to him.

 

He sent another message last night, saying “Are you goingto answer the question”. Apparently it is oh so important for him to know if I am dating. It’s ridiculous.

 

If I block him, wouldn’t that show that I am affected by him,since I am putting up a block? If I just ignore him, wouldn’t that make muchmore of an impact?

 

You are affected by him, though. You denying that by not blocking him shows a hell of a lot more weakness than accepting the reality of the situation and doing what you need to do to protect yourself.

 

Your mindset is wrong. You do things to help you, not to send a message to him. f--k him. Stop trying to project a false front.

[JourneyToFindMe]

Hi everyone, thank you so much for your replies.

 

I really had to come back here today to read all the replies for strength and support. I want to block him, I really do, but I haven't done it yet and I don't know what is wrong with me. Since I last posted here, he sent me a good morning text on Wednesday, then Friday night at 11 pm, a 'Hey wassup' followed by ' You seriously can't even reply to say hi or hello' at 12:30 am. I have responded to nothing.

 

Even though I have not replied to any of his messages this week (I have managed to talk myself out of it), I still find myself wanting to have the final word, to tell him all about himself, and to send him those disgusting screenshots of him showing off his private area, before blocking him.

 

I did not mention this before, but when he came to me for answers about the breakup, he said to me that "I have turned my back on him, but he hasn't turned his on me" and he 'is not trying to win me over but needs me as his friend'. Also, the day I sent him the screenshots of the inappropriate convo, was the same day he first asked me if I am dating anyone. Imagine, just a few hours after he said he was 'wrongly accused' and how 'hurt' he was by it, he asked if I am dating. It's all about him, right? I think he just wants me to cave and talk to him so that he can tell himself we are 'friends', and in doing so it will validate to him that I am ok with him as a person and what he did.

 

I don't want to get back with him and I certainly don't want to be his friend...so why can't I bring myself to protect myself and block him?...

[Simon Phoenix]

You seem to want to get burned some more. There's nothing we can say that will make you do the right thing (blocking him); it's up to you to do it. For whatever reason, you want more pain. So that's what you're going to get until you make the right decision.

[JourneyToFindMe]

Very blunt Simon Phoenix, but you're right. The truth of the matter is that, it is up to me at this point to do right by me and block him.

 

Most people here say to block when going No Contact...and until I came here I did not know that that should ultimately be a part of the process. but now I'm starting to understand.

[Toodaloo]

This whole thing just saddens me, honestly. It saddens me that he doesn’tcare, when I was nothing but loyal to him.

 

He sent another message last night, saying “Are you goingto answer the question”. Apparently it is oh so important for him to know if I am dating. It’s ridiculous.

 

If I block him, wouldn’t that show that I am affected by him,since I am putting up a block? If I just ignore him, wouldn’t that make muchmore of an impact?

 

Yes its sad but hey ho the bloke is an idiot and now you know it you can get rid. He is only messing with your emotions because you allow him to.

 

Tell him the question of you dating is none of his damned business and to leave you alone then block his sorry ass so he can't get back in contact again. Block, delete, ignore... Do not let him mess with your head like this.

[keiji]

Very blunt Simon Phoenix, but you're right. The truth of the matter is that, it is up to me at this point to do right by me and block him.

 

Most people here say to block when going No Contact...and until I came here I did not know that that should ultimately be a part of the process. but now I'm starting to understand.

 

Perhaps deep down you want him to be able to contact you. It's a very common fear, that's part of NC's difficulty. But, believe me, if he ever wants to hear from you, he'll run 10,000km barefoot if necessary.

[elaine567]

He sent another message last night, saying “Are you goingto answer the question”. Apparently it is oh so important for him to know if I am dating. It’s ridiculous.

 

That actually sounds demanding and a bit aggressive.

It is NONE of his business who you are dating, don't let him bully you into answering this

He mucked up here.

[Zahara]

so why can't I bring myself to protect myself and block him?...

 

You crave the ego boost. You get some sort of validation knowing he's chasing you.

[JourneyToFindMe]

Thank you again to everyone. I really appreciate you all and I am glad I am able to come here to express my feelings.

 

Toodaloo and dreamingoftigers, I thought about your suggestions to respond to his question about whether I am dating, but ultimately I decided silence is my best answer. He can continue to stew on it and wonder what is going on in my personal life. As for sending the photos, I decided against that too. I don't need to prove to him that I am right and he is wrong anymore. He knows what he has done. The truth is the truth....and the truth can reign supreme - with or without taking it a step further to send photos. The fact that I had that whatsapp conversation to begin with; which I'm sure he wondered about since I had no access to his phone when we were together (he had a passcode on it), he might be wondering what else I have. I'll let him stew on that too.

 

keji and Zahara you both said something that I have to agree with. I have been subjecting myself to his contact because deep down, despite what he did and has been saying, I want to hear from him, in some shape of form. It is a bit validating and serves as an ego boost for me to hear from him, especially since he said to me that I was accusing him and he will 'back off'. Why still contact me if he is so offended that I 'wrongly accused him' then. However, at the same time, I feel that a part of me is also hoping for some sort of apology (which I mean lets be real here, will most likely never come).

 

I will also mention this. The other day he sent me a photo of him holding in his hand, my University graduation picture that I gave to him and, he messaged me the name of a song for me to listen to (Bruno Mars - Talking To The Moon). Yes, while I acknowledge that this was an ego boost, at this point, I have to also admit that things are getting a little confusing for me....so I know what I have to do now.

 

Trust me when I say, this sucks so much. I hate this part.

 

I was listening to some music in my room this morning, and started reflecting on everything and I just started bawling. The tears wouldn't stop. Letting go is so very hard... but I have to put myself first now.

Edited March 25, 2016 by JourneyToFindMe