Contractor called hubby out

[New_Wife]

My mother is footing the bill for the remodel of our unfinished basement in our newly purchased home. We didn't ask her to do this, she more or less steamrolled in and took over. We also didn't tell her 'no' because we didn't have the money to do it and it seemed like a win/win situation.

 

Well, nothing is ever really free - I know this - and we've had to do some gentle reminding here and there that this is our house and we do get to select colors, etc. Not a big thing.

 

However, the guy that is the contractor for all of this has been taking pot shots at the hubby lately. Something about him being "molly maid" and needing an apron because he saw hubby cleaning up. Hubby works nights, I work days, so he's there when contractor is there.

 

This really got under hubby's skin though, he said "he's calling me the B1tch." I think more so because Hubby isn't the one paying this guy, so he can't outright fire him - or he doesn't feel like he can - so he's feeling cut off at the knees here.

 

I think the contractor was out of line and is being an ass to comment on anything in our home that way, but I don't know what I should do or not do to support Hubby in this. I want to tell him - "Hey, you wanna fire him - go ahead. It doesn't matter who's paying, this is your house and you want the ass to leave - he goes." Because honestly, we can finish the rooms or not whenever or hire someone else to do it - but I can't re-do any self-esteem issues this might cause my husband. Not that I think he's so weak that this would cause them - but it's irritating to no end to have someone disrespect you in your own home and somehow feel like you can't do anything about it.

 

Thoughts?

 

Oh, and before it comes up - I can't talk to my mother about this. She is a bit of a man-hater and would giggle and make a rude comment. Or make things worse. Yeah - we are paying for this free help, alright.

[Moose]

My thoughts? Fire him. Kick him out and tell your mom thanks, but no thanks. She could wind up holding this thing over your head. Best to just stop this crap before it comes to that.

 

It's either that, or I'd make sure this mouthy contractor had a very unfortunate accident.........

[Bubbles]

Although this is unfortunate.......should'nt your hubby be standing up for himself? If I was a man and somebody said something like that to me? I would knock his chicklets right down his throat!!!

 

Tell your hubby not to worry about Mom......he needs to stand up for himself.

 

 

bubbles

[New_Wife]

LOL @ both of you.

 

As luck would have it, I think hubby would do just that in any other situation. He bought this house for me and my kids - our family, with the intention that we'd remodel the downstairs so everyone had their own rooms.

 

Meanwhile, my mother lost her mind and is going through an unbearably messy divorce of her own making - all while running this show in our basement. I suspect hubby wants to tell contractor to shove it up his tush, but hasn't done so for fear of consequences to me or from my slightly nuts mother. What I want to do is find a way to tell him it's fine with me if that's what he does - without seeming to coddle him or act like the alpha b1tch or something.

 

That and the fact that we can't afford to do all of this - & the kids do need bedrooms.

 

I'm not going to say anything to contractor - because I don't want to act like I've got to fight my hubby's battles. That might make it worse, yeah? But I want to let hubby know I agree with him and am behind him whether he lets this guy know what he thinks of his retarded sexist ignoramus comments or not. How to do that without coming off patronizing?

[CurlyIam]

If he's intimidated by a worker, it's his problem. He shouldn't befriend with him, he should simply make sure he's doing the job he's paid for. As for his rude comments, he can always say that his wife gives him one extra hour of oral if he keeps the house clean. So yeah, he's actually a b*tch, allright, the ****er!!!

 

Or just fire him, if that's what hubby wants. There will be lots of "wellcoming" people making idiotic suggestions or remarks about your marriage. The main trick is not to allow them to. And if they do, don't react at it, don't show it got to you and cerainly don't make a tragedy out of it.

 

You husband doesn't need to prove his masculinity to any worker or to anyone for that matter. Why should he? And your mom, although you love her dearly, needs to not make intelligent remarks about that !

[ggallin13]

Wow! Men tease each other, but if it bothered your husband, he should have said something right then. Something like "shut your mouth or I will shut it for you" works wonders. "Get back to work and mind your own business" is effective, too.

 

If all else fails, hit him. It's all great to think non-violently and fighting is really, really stupid, but sometimes that's all some guys understand. And if your husband hits him he'll probably feel a whole lot better. And it'll boost his self-esteem, too.

 

It's funny, but I have never been called anything remotely like that--maybe because guys can tell who will take humiliation and who won't. No offense to your husband or anything, but if someone said something like that to me all my wife would say is, "What happend to your hand?" because I would've decked the guy and she never would have heard about it. Then I would have fired him.

[HokeyReligions]

Of course hubby should not hit the contractor! That is childish and illegal, unless he wants a lawsuit and jailtime.

 

Tell your hubby that you appreciate that he is trying to balance the marriage with your relationship with your mother, but that you want him to know that HE comes first. That's not patronizing--that's communication.

 

Tell him that you are behind him 100% if he fires the contractor. He does not have to tolerate that especially in his own home. You'll get by the way things are and have a goal that you can work on together. Don't let money buy away self esteem & that is what it sounds like is happening.

 

I grovel at work some too because I support my family, but in my own home I would not put up with it.

 

If your mother doesn't like it, that is her problem. Like someone else said; tell her thanks, but no thanks. She'll get over it eventually.

[New_Wife]

I sent this email to my Hubby. He'll get it when he wakes up.

***

I've been thinking about ___'s dumb _ss comments to you.

 

Here's my thoughts: This is your house. Yours, mine & the kids. If you are holding your tongue and you want to say something - don't hold it on my account or my mom's or anyone else's. If we have to get a new contractor, or do work ourselves - then we do. I'll probably end up pissing mom off with the ____ thing anyway, and you'll have wasted your restraint for nothing! (somewhat kidding there - time will tell).

 

But I don't want you walking around feeling like someone can talk ignorant sh_t to you in your own home and you're somehow bound to take it - you're not. I'm behind you if you tell him to mind his own business - or if you decide to do nothing and ignore him. Either way, you are my husband & I support whatever you want to do or not do where bigmouth is concerned. Okay?

 

Oh, and you've got a very big d_ck. Just thought I'd throw that in there. You could always whip that out and make him cry.

[Bubbles]

Baaaaaa Haaaaaaa You are the best. If I was your husband?.......after reading your little note? I would run you a bubble bath and scrub your back for an hour!

 

 

That is AWESOME!

 

 

bubbles

[HokeyReligions]

perfect!

[tiki]

Originally posted by New_Wife

However, the guy that is the contractor for all of this has been taking pot shots at the hubby lately. Something about him being "molly maid" and needing an apron because he saw hubby cleaning up. Hubby works nights, I work days, so he's there when contractor is there.

 

I don't think he meant anything by it, really. Sounds like he's got my sense of humor, I can totally relate. He was just giving him sh*t, men do that.

 

It literally could have been one comment and it could be all blown out of proportion. I'd not take it so seriously if it were on me.

[Bubbles]

Tiki,

 

A man DOES not call another man Molly Maid as a joke if he does NOT know him. A 40 year old man would not think that is a joke. Seriously. He might as well called him a b*tch......same thing in a man's eyes.

 

If it was my boyfriend? He would have decked him right there on the spot and asked him while he was laying on the ground if he "Ever know a Molly Maid to have such a thunderous left?"

 

bubbles

[New_Wife]

So glad hubby didn't do that! I don't have bail money handy.

 

I don't know what the "proper" feeling for such a comment is between guys, as I'm completely XX in the chromosome dept. I do know that it bugged my guy, and that's all that really matters to me.

 

But thanks for the other perspective Tiki. I don't mean to sound ungrateful that you offered it.

[Moose]

So glad hubby didn't do that! I don't have bail money handy.

The contractor is in your house. I take it that he and your husband are usually alone when the contractor is there.....if not, I'm sure there would be a time or two that they would be......that's when he might, accidently, trip over something and fall face first down the basement stairs and land in a bucket of nails..........it could happen.

 

From a legal stand point......it'll be your hubby's word against the contractors......for that matter, hubby could say he was defending himself.

 

Everyone's right though. Violence won't solve anything.....but damn if it doesn't release some anger!

[tiki]

Originally posted by Bubbles

Tiki,

 

A man DOES not call another man Molly Maid as a joke if he does NOT know him. A 40 year old man would not think that is a joke. Seriously. He might as well called him a b*tch......same thing in a man's eyes.

 

If it was my boyfriend? He would have decked him right there on the spot and asked him while he was laying on the ground if he "Ever know a Molly Maid to have such a thunderous left?"

 

bubbles

 

I think if my husband had responded in that fashion....well nevermind...he wouldn't be my husband. I won't marry someone that's going to cold clock someone for making a silly statement.

 

Maybe the contractor had a weird sense of humor? Or maybe your H is a little jealous because he's a decent looking guy and wants him out of the house? Who knows, but to me, it's not reason enough to cause such a stir.

[New_Wife]

Good looking? Oh Dear Me! That was the best laugh I've had all day. The contractor is like 100 years old and has a face like a stretched out leathery Howdie-Doodie. Every other word out of his foul little mouth is a cuss word, and he smokes in our house despite repeated requests that he smoke outside only (we've given him cans to deposit his butts in even.)

 

No, the guy is just an aZZclown with no sense of civility whatsoever.

 

As to blowing out of proportion - that is your feeling at your comfort level. Ours is different. No thing.

[tiki]

Originally posted by New_Wife

Good looking? Oh Dear Me! That was the best laugh I've had all day. The contractor is like 100 years old and has a face like a stretched out leathery Howdie-Doodie. Every other word out of his foul little mouth is a cuss word, and he smokes in our house despite repeated requests that he smoke outside only (we've given him cans to deposit his butts in even.)

 

No, the guy is just an aZZclown with no sense of civility whatsoever.

 

As to blowing out of proportion - that is your feeling at your comfort level. Ours is different. No thing.

 

Well, he obviously isn't good looking then!

 

But anyway, how does your H feel about this? If he can handle it, then I say let it pass...just don't piss the guy off and let him continue to work on your home and know where you live. Let's face it, he may not be the most trustworthy guy on the block. He sounds kind of ick to me.

[New_Wife]

I know it irritated him yesterday. Contractor had made that comment once before and hubby blew it off and just ignored him and stopped going downstairs to socialize - thinking the guy a doofus. But he went out of his way to say it yesterday and Hubby was irritated. To what degree I didn't realized until he said "He called me a b1tch!".

 

We're still pretty newly married & we've been a few counties away from the family prior to buying this house - so I think we're both trying to figure out how to handle situations together - you know? I felt like I hadn't quite held up my end last night, when it came up, but I didn't know what I should have done? If I could rewind and do it over, I'd tell him right then and there that if he wanted to ditch the guy, fine by me. I don't know if he would, but maybe knowing I was behind him no matter what would've made him feel a little better. I don't know.

 

It's not a huge issue - he's not stomping around or acting like a baby or anything - just a new situation for us and I feel like I punted when I should've ran with the ball.

[tiki]

I'm think I'm just too afraid to complain on people that know where I live. Chances are (not trying to scare you, but) he knows the layout of your home, whether or not you have an alarm, when you normally work, etc.

 

I must think like this because I was a single mother and a homeowner before I married my H. Maybe I'm just uber~paranoid, but I'm so afraid of pissing someone off that knows a lot about me, and I know not-so-much about them.

 

I say leave it up to your H to make the decision. It's his comfort level and if he can hang, let him hang. Men like to feel like they're making decisions.

[CurlyIam]

He thinks he's a man because he's not doing the chores? To tell ou the truth, he does that to get at your husband. I think your hubby should get downstairs at the guy with a cool beer, drink it with him, and tell him that he's a good guy, a wonderful contractor, but if he makes one more remark about Molly Dolly or someone being a bitch, not only will he get fired, but he'll have an unfortunate accident at both hands which will prevent him from working for the next two months. Man to man. Simple. Clean. At a bottle of beer.

 

My 2 cents about it. Make this suggestion to your husband, tell him he's got carte blanche to deal with this situation the way it makes him most comfortable.

 

Cheers,

 

Curly

[New_Wife]

Curly, if you were here instead of France, I'd bring my brother directly to you and insist he take a knee.

 

Thanks

[tiki]

Originally posted by CurlyIam

He thinks he's a man because he's not doing the chores? To tell ou the truth, he does that to get at your husband. I think your hubby should get downstairs at the guy with a cool beer, drink it with him, and tell him that he's a good guy, a wonderful contractor, but if he makes one more remark about Molly Dolly or someone being a bitch, not only will he get fired, but he'll have an unfortunate accident at both hands which will prevent him from working for the next two months. Man to man. Simple. Clean. At a bottle of beer.

 

You are so not right.

[Moose]

Originally posted by New_Wife

Curly, if you were here instead of France, I'd bring my brother directly to you and insist he take a knee.

 

Thanks

NO!!!! If anything happens between me and Mrs. Moose, I'm flyin' Curly out here!!! STAY BACK!!!!

[New_Wife]

Dear Lord, I am now competing for a woman's affections?

 

Oh well - for family, I'll do it! I want smart nieces and nephews.

 

edited for moronic spelling error

[CurlyIam]

Oh, I love ya, guys !!!

 

Moose, you'll alwaqys be special in my heart, but I know how devouted you are at your family and wife!

 

New Wife, I suddenly have an ulterior reason for being extra nice to you - you never know if your brother choses to visit these parts of the world or if I decide to... change continents !