Need some insight on if I can fix this or not.

March 12, 2016

Hi my names Ian and I need some help. Me and my GF of 7 years have recently broken up and I'm on an emotional rollercoaster right now and need some opinions and suggestions on my situation. I'm going to try to get her back.

Heres a rundown of our past relationship and what has happened throughout the 7 years.

I met her when I was in my early 20's. She was basically my first serious girlfriend. She fell head over heals for me right from the start, but I wasn't too sure if I loved her yet. We had a lot of fights within 4 years but a lot of good times too. So 4 years in I broke it off with her because I wanted to party and she was devastated. I continued to see her for the month or 2 we were broken up and then she started seeing another guy and cut contact with me. I broke down and realized how much I loved her and how happy I was with her and how important she was to me.

I did everything to try to get her back and made a lot of promises. She decided to believe me and gave me another shot. The next 3 years went great. I was madly in love with her and finally knew what that feeling felt like. We traveled and did everything together. She had my back, I was so comfortable with her.

6 months ago is when it all started to turn bad. All of a sudden I had mixed feelings, I kind of wanted to break up and wasn't focused on the relationship and started to ignore her on weekends and go out and drink. Me and her always had a problem when drinking was involved. She's a bad drunk and gets physical with me when drunk and starts problems, so I avoided it like the plague. So this is where it comes to an end. I took her on a vacation to California a month ago and had a lot of fun but also got into a fight one night there while drunk and she attacked me pretty badly. I pushed her off and that worried her. We made up the next morning and went hiking, surfing, site seeing and had a great rest of the trip.

We get back from our vacation and she texts me how much of a blessing I am to her and how she wouldn't have got her job without me and how much she loves me more than anything. I see that as ok I can continue to go out and drink and kind of keep getting away with stuff no way she will leave me. I had been doing this for months now. So I go out that weekend and shes crying telling me not to ignore her and how much she just wants me to be there with her. The next morning she wants to talk and says we need to break up. Shes emotional and I calm her down and talk her out of it for now. The next month is a nightmare for me. She is off and on with leaving me or maybe trying again and now shes reading a book about traveling and leaving rocky relationships.

I evaluate my situation and my relationship with her and her family and everything we have done together. I now see what was doing wrong I see how I should have handled her to avoid fights and see what I'm going to lose. My best friend, someone that loved me more than anything. I love her more than anything and have so much regret with how I was treating her. We were having so much fun and I was focused on the wrong thing and messed it all up. I can't even believe I was acting that way and not showing the love for her that I really have for her.

So she says to me one morning weeks ago. That she loves me but doesn't have the same connection anymore and that she needs to grow and feel what its like to live life in her 20's and that she needs to be single and travel with friends ect and that I should go date and work on myself and that we can still be friends and couldn't say wether one day we could get back together again. So I did the thing that you're not supposed to do and showed my emotion and said that I loved her and didn't want to lose her said please don't do this ect. I said I want to take care of you like I always should have I want to marry you and have kids and want to give you everything and then she kind of flopped back like maybe we can work it out I have to think. Then I call her after not talking for a week and she says that pretty much the same thing that she said that morning and that shes finally happy and that I had 7 years to figure it out ect and that shes moving into a a place with her sister and signing a lease. I said sorry for everything I did, owned up to it and said goodbye in a nice text after we talked. I basically did the clean slate thing.

-----This is where I really need some thoughts and opinions.

Everyone around me is saying we will get back together and that you can fix it. Her close ones are telling me that you need to fix yourself, come back stronger and little by little show her you have changed and back up what you promised her and that shes just going through one of her phases (she go's through many).

All our pictures are still up on her social media she says they are staying. I just don't know what to think and if I have a chance of getting her back. I have a plan to better myself and I'm going to do a no contact for a month and then try to meet up with her. She already texted me because she saw a snapchat of mine and said some positive things things to say but I still don't know what to think. Should I be showing myself happy and doing things on snapchat so she can see I can live with out her or should I keep her thinking what I'm doing?

I'm so upset and scared to lose her now. I really want her in my life forever and want to have a family with her and take care of her just like she always wanted and the thought of that not happening is making me sick. I need some advice and hope. I just want to settle down live my life happy with her. I know I can do it now. I love her family and had so much fun throughout the years with her, I just lost sight of the big picture and she didn't communicate with me on the subject of moving forward so I never got to look at it until now.

Is there hope for me? How should I handle this, what should I do?

March 12, 2016

The other thing is to, I kind of know what her concerns are and what she was thinking. The past 6 months she's been feeling like she's going nowhere with me and that I will never marry her and she's wasting her time and that she doesn't want to live the rest of her life with someone that she always fights with and that right now is the right time to be done. How do I show her I'm the one and that we can live happily together? I really do want to make her happy and live a fulfilling life with her.

March 12, 2016

The physical violence is a big red flag. Drunk or not, that's never okay for either partner. You also say that after she attacked you badly, "I pushed her off and that worried her." So she's cool with attacking you, but if you push her off, that's a problem for her? The fact that she chose to focus on you pushing her and not her own actions are a huge issue. Here's the other thing, if the cops ever come out because of one of these altercations, you're gonna be the one who ends up in jail.

It also doesn't seem like you really want to commit to her. After seven years, you're going out drinking on the weekend while she's alone, asking you to come be with her? And you think you can "get away with stuff" because she won't leave you? That's not how you treat someone you love. It seems like your relationship follows a pattern here, it's great for awhile, you get bored and inattentive, a breakup occurs, you vow to change your ways.

You can't show her you're the one and that you can live happily together. Actions speak louder than words and you've had seven years to do that. It sounds like she got tired of your lack of commitment and wants to get on with her life. I'd stay NC, I don't think you want a life with this girl, I think you want the comfort of having her around.

March 12, 2016

The physical violence is a big red flag. Drunk or not, that's never okay for either partner. You also say that after she attacked you badly, "I pushed her off and that worried her." So she's cool with attacking you, but if you push her off, that's a problem for her? The fact that she chose to focus on you pushing her and not her own actions are a huge issue. Here's the other thing, if the cops ever come out because of one of these altercations, you're gonna be the one who ends up in jail.

It also doesn't seem like you really want to commit to her. After seven years, you're going out drinking on the weekend while she's alone, asking you to come be with her? And you think you can "get away with stuff" because she won't leave you? That's not how you treat someone you love. It seems like your relationship follows a pattern here, it's great for awhile, you get bored and inattentive, a breakup occurs, you vow to change your ways.

You can't show her you're the one and that you can live happily together. Actions speak louder than words and you've had seven years to do that. It sounds like she got tired of your lack of commitment and wants to get on with her life. I'd stay NC, I don't think you want a life with this girl, I think you want the comfort of having her around.

The drunk violence is a big deal to me but is avoidable if I had just been treating her right. I know I look bad in wanting to go out drinking and then make up with her the next day but I feel like we had a big lack of communication and only if we talked more a lot of things could have been avoidable. Are relationship grew stale time to time because of that and I slacked off and didn't realize what I was doing. This time I'm not just going to say I'm going to better myself I'm actually going to do it and give her time. Deep down in my heart I feel like she's the one, I was just scared of commitment before. I need to work on myself and prove it this time. I just hope I can put it all together and work it out with her because I do really love her I understand that now. I understand her frustration and where I went wrong. I want to make things right and finally be there for her.

March 13, 2016

How far does the NC rule go? I'm trying to get back my girlfriend and I have a plan to better myself over time and a month from now contact her to catch up.

I don't plan on calling or texting her for a month but what about Snapchat? It's been 2 weeks since we broke up and a few days ago I posted a snapchat story of something I was doing and she texted me saying glad you're doing good ect and said she would pray for me and all that. I just said ya thanks I'm just going to work on me right now and told her to be safe. She complimented me then said she would pray for me and that was it.

Now today I looked at her snapchat story and I feel stupid for doing it. Not sure what to think but I plan on not looking at it anymore. That will get her thinking why isn't he wondering what I'm doing right? I also don't know if I should even post anything I'm doing on snapchat because I feel like she has to wonder exactly what I'm doing and miss me. I don't post anything on fb as well.

I feel like the less she knows about what I'm doing the more she will wonder and miss me but the other part of me says she should see I'm doing good and having fun but I don't want to make her jealous or have her feel comfortable knowing I'm there. What should I do? Go off the grid and make her wonder or show her I'm around and happy?

Edited March 13, 2016 by Loveshaq26

March 13, 2016

NC isn't a tool to get someone back. It's a way to create boundaries, so you can grieve and move on. You are going to be very disappointed if you intend to use NC to get her back. Usually, NC does provoke the other person to reach out at some point, but it's generally for curiosity's sake. NC does make the other party wonder what you are doing for a short time, but that's about the extent of it. In short, NC does not make someone want you back.

March 13, 2016

NC isn't a tool to get someone back. It's a way to create boundaries, so you can grieve and move on. You are going to be very disappointed if you intend to use NC to get her back. Usually, NC does provoke the other person to reach out at some point, but it's generally for curiosity's sake. NC does make the other party wonder what you are doing for a short time, but that's about the extent of it. In short, NC does not make someone want you back.

I don't think NC is going to get her back but I feel like I can use it as a a part of my plan to try to get her back. My situation is very complicated. I don't know what to think. It's so hard for me to try to get over her because I love her so much and have so much history with her and I'm so regretfull for how I treated her to cause this.

She's all over the place with how she feels and the things she does in life I just want to handle this correctly.

March 13, 2016

I don't think NC is going to get her back but I feel like I can use it as a a part of my plan to try to get her back. My situation is very complicated. I don't know what to think. It's so hard for me to try to get over her because I love her so much and have so much history with her and I'm so regretfull for how I treated her to cause this.

She's all over the place with how she feels and the things she does in life I just want to handle this correctly.

The best thing you can do is to give her space. I would get off of all social media with her as well. Social media is hard on a breakup. Probably even worse than direct contact. You really can't do anything to get her back. A lot of people have that misguided notion. It has to come from her.

March 13, 2016

I hope you and your girlfriend reconcile, but I don't think that instituting 'NC Lite' is likely to bring it about. In fact, you might be better off forgetting about NC altogether, if you can keep your conversations pleasant.

Re NC:

No contact is about two things, and two things only:

1. It protects you from further hurt.

2. It allows you to heal without being distracted by the ex.

Thats all it is, and all it does.

This is 'strict' NC:

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means she might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media.

*No monitoring of her on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what she is doing or saying.

I'm pretty sure that you want to do all of the above, and you don't have to, but don't entertain the idea that your version of NC will get her back.

Thats unlikely.

NC is just an option, and not for everyone.

Take care.

Edited March 13, 2016 by Satu

March 13, 2016

If you want to fix a relationship you have to work with the other person to address the problem. Going off by yourself even if it is to improve allows wounds to fester It doesn't fix anything.

March 13, 2016

How far does the NC rule go? I'm trying to get back my girlfriend and I have a plan to better myself over time and a month from now contact her to catch up.

I don't plan on calling or texting her for a month but what about Snapchat? It's been 2 weeks since we broke up and a few days ago I posted a snapchat story of something I was doing and she texted me saying glad you're doing good ect and said she would pray for me and all that. I just said ya thanks I'm just going to work on me right now and told her to be safe. She complimented me then said she would pray for me and that was it.

Now today I looked at her snapchat story and I feel stupid for doing it. Not sure what to think but I plan on not looking at it anymore. That will get her thinking why isn't he wondering what I'm doing right? I also don't know if I should even post anything I'm doing on snapchat because I feel like she has to wonder exactly what I'm doing and miss me. I don't post anything on fb as well.

I feel like the less she knows about what I'm doing the more she will wonder and miss me but the other part of me says she should see I'm doing good and having fun but I don't want to make her jealous or have her feel comfortable knowing I'm there. What should I do? Go off the grid and make her wonder or show her I'm around and happy?

I understand your pain. I was with someone for over 3 years, and certainly didn't want to cut communication entirely, but eventually, I did. Honestly, you should do the same, it's time to move on. And if it's meant to be, you guys will find each other in the future. But for now, you should consider it finished.

March 13, 2016

I'm pretty sure that you want to do all of the above, and you don't have to, but don't entertain the idea that your version of NC will get her back.

Was meant to say, I'm pretty sure that you don't want to.

March 13, 2016

I understand your pain. I was with someone for over 3 years, and certainly didn't want to cut communication entirely, but eventually, I did. Honestly, you should do the same, it's time to move on. And if it's meant to be, you guys will find each other in the future. But for now, you should consider it finished.

I was also with someone for 3 years, and initially did NC to provoke him into wanting me back. I played around with LC as well. None of that stuff works. When someone dumps you, they are done. All the NC or LC in the world won't bring them back. This idea that one can have a strategy to get someone back is misguided. I think it's just the idea of not wanting to let go. NC and LC did make my ex curious about me. He did contact me multiple times, but it was just to satisfy his curiosity and to keep me on the hook. It was never about a genuine desire to get back together.

March 13, 2016

I was also with someone for 3 years, and initially did NC to provoke him into wanting me back. I played around with LC as well. None of that stuff works. When someone dumps you, they are done. *All the NC or LC in the world won't bring them back. This idea that one can have a strategy to get someone back is misguided. I think it's just the idea of not wanting to let go. NC and LC did make my ex curious about me. He did contact me multiple times, but it was just to satisfy his curiosity and to keep me on the hook. It was never about a genuine desire to get back together.

t

*Sometimes these strategies for getting someone back seem almost like superstition to me.

March 14, 2016

I was also with someone for 3 years, and initially did NC to provoke him into wanting me back. I played around with LC as well. None of that stuff works. When someone dumps you, they are done. All the NC or LC in the world won't bring them back. This idea that one can have a strategy to get someone back is misguided. I think it's just the idea of not wanting to let go. NC and LC did make my ex curious about me. He did contact me multiple times, but it was just to satisfy his curiosity and to keep me on the hook. It was never about a genuine desire to get back together.

It worked on me. I told my ex that we weren't working out and that I wanted to experience single life and that she should see other people. I broke up with her and kept contact for a month until one day she had enough and stopped contact with me. It made me realize what I was about to lose and that single life isn't all that cracked up to be and I lost it and fought to get her back. Years later she's doing the exact thing I did to her. I just can't believe I'm going through this again.

Edited March 14, 2016 by Loveshaq26

March 14, 2016

There's a way to view her snap without your name appearing on her "who viewed my snap" list.

Just load the snap with your data/wifi, and then turn off wifi/data and view her story with no connection.

There.

March 14, 2016

Anyone else have any advice for me? I'm beyond upset, I can't stop beating myself up over this and feeling bad for how I treated her and how if I could just go back and do things differently. I'm not ok right now.

Edited March 14, 2016 by Loveshaq26

Sign In

Need some insight on if I can fix this or not.

Recommended Posts

Loveshaq26

Loveshaq26

LD1990

Loveshaq26

Loveshaq26

BC1980

Loveshaq26

BC1980

Satu

d0nnivain

JustAnotherLostLove

Satu

BC1980

Satu

Loveshaq26

Bluegum

Loveshaq26

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...