duncsvoice Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 Hey gang, So, back to NC, 4 days in...feeling pretty good, made a post recently about doing well, and that I have a million other things I'd rather do than see my ex. She texts me to ask when she needs to come and feed the cats when I'm away, reply and say I'll let her know (I know it's breaking NC but there's no niceties), a few minutes later "I wasn't sure if I should tell you, but I was sexually assaulted the other night". So, I'm REELING. I'm straight on the phone asking if she's ok, does she need any help etc...but damn. My head is spinning and I'm torn. I care for her still immeasurably, she's been assaulted before and it has impacted her life...but on the other hand, and I feel like an absolute a**ehole for thinking it, that I've just been dragged back in to her world again. She knew I would absolutely crumble. Right now I'm FURIOUS. I'm so angry at this guy for assaulting her, I'm angry at her for telling me, I'm angry that I wasn't there to look after her, and I'm angry that I feel angry, when the situation has nothing to do with me! Dammit.
sandylee1 Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 I don't know your back story.. but did you break up with her? I'm a real cynic as well ..... are you sure she's not saying this to get your attention? Her second assault is what pricked my ears up. Has she filed a police report?
Author duncsvoice Posted March 14, 2016 Author Posted March 14, 2016 I don't know your back story.. but did you break up with her? I'm a real cynic as well ..... are you sure she's not saying this to get your attention? Her second assault is what pricked my ears up. Has she filed a police report? Hey. Yep so together two years, had some difficulties over Christmas, split about a month and a half ago. Has by all accounts been an incredibly difficult break up for me, but recently turned a corner and started to feel pretty good about life. Assaulted as a child, again as a teen, and now. We've had difficulties, but this isn't something she would lie about to get my attention. I don't know how to feel...
bathtub-row Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 I can certainly understand your reaction and feelings about his situation. I too have to wonder if she's making this up or not. I'm curious about the circumstances of this incident because I can't imagine any girl putting herself in another situation where she can be assaulted after it happened once already. The first time, I can understand being naive. The second, I have to wonder. Not even for a second implying that it's her fault but most women in her position would be extremely cautious. Provided the story is even true. I have my doubts honestly.
TooMuchThinking Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 I can certainly understand your reaction and feelings about his situation. I too have to wonder if she's making this up or not. I'm curious about the circumstances of this incident because I can't imagine any girl putting herself in another situation where she can be assaulted after it happened once already. The first time, I can understand being naive. The second, I have to wonder. Not even for a second implying that it's her fault but most women in her position would be extremely cautious. Provided the story is even true. I have my doubts honestly. First off. Girls don't "put" themselves in situations to get assaulted. That places far too much fault on the victim. Sexual assault is a serious thing, and sitting around her blaming the girl for the problem is disgusting. The only person who can prevent assault is the perpetrator. Stop feeling sorry for yourself in this situation. She was hurt here, not you. The most you can do is be a friend for her. Tell her to get the support of her family and friends and to report to the police. You don't have to get back into her life to be a nice person. You don't have to worry if it's true or not to tell her to get support from her loved ones. 2
Author duncsvoice Posted March 14, 2016 Author Posted March 14, 2016 First off. Girls don't "put" themselves in situations to get assaulted. That places far too much fault on the victim. Sexual assault is a serious thing, and sitting around her blaming the girl for the problem is disgusting. The only person who can prevent assault is the perpetrator. Stop feeling sorry for yourself in this situation. She was hurt here, not you. The most you can do is be a friend for her. Tell her to get the support of her family and friends and to report to the police. You don't have to get back into her life to be a nice person. You don't have to worry if it's true or not to tell her to get support from her loved ones. Thank you for saying that. I wasn't quite sure how to say that a girl should be able to go out with being assaulted. You're right, I was just reeling from the news...quickly realised that whatever plans I have for my own well being, NC whatever hugely pale in to insignificance.
amaysngrace Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 It's somewhat common to be sexually assaulted by different people at various ages. I'd just be her friend but you know her pretty well. Was she matter of fact about the assault? Maybe she is numb but just wanted to tell you about it because you're her safe person.
Author duncsvoice Posted March 14, 2016 Author Posted March 14, 2016 It's somewhat common to be sexually assaulted by different people at various ages. I'd just be her friend but you know her pretty well. Was she matter of fact about the assault? Maybe she is numb but just wanted to tell you about it because you're her safe person. Thank you. She said she wasn't sure if she should tell me, and she's had a pretty rough couple of days. She was quite matter of fact about it, but I get that's her coping thing. I have acted recently as her safe person up to a few weeks ago (as her childhood assault became a suddenly real thing in her life again). I don't want to force my way back in to her life, but I can only assume she's reaching out to me, I'll give her a call tomorrow to see if she's ok and let her know me (and the cats) are there for her. It's an incredibly long story, but I effectively acted as her safe zone for a couple of years, and since she's gone there have been a few traumatic experiences already for her, so I do worry an awful lot. 1
amaysngrace Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 I'd just be there for her in a friendly way and encourage her to get counseling. Would she be willing to file a police report? Maybe she should so he won't do this to somebody else plus give her some of her power back too.
Author duncsvoice Posted March 14, 2016 Author Posted March 14, 2016 I'd just be there for her in a friendly way and encourage her to get counseling. Would she be willing to file a police report? Maybe she should so he won't do this to somebody else plus give her some of her power back too. Oh yep, there's already a court date set. Thanks for your advice, I've just dropped her a message to say that I hope she's ok and I appreciate her reaching out to me. 1
amaysngrace Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 Oh yep, there's already a court date set. Thanks for your advice, I've just dropped her a message to say that I hope she's ok and I appreciate her reaching out to me. Awesome. Maybe be there in the courtroom for her if she needs to testify. That's going to be tough unless she is numb that day too. She may really need you there. You're a good person to be there for her now. So you don't want to date each other anymore? I don't get it. You seem to really like each other.
bathtub-row Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 First off. Girls don't "put" themselves in situations to get assaulted. That places far too much fault on the victim. Sexual assault is a serious thing, and sitting around her blaming the girl for the problem is disgusting. The only person who can prevent assault is the perpetrator. Stop feeling sorry for yourself in this situation. She was hurt here, not you. The most you can do is be a friend for her. Tell her to get the support of her family and friends and to report to the police. You don't have to get back into her life to be a nice person. You don't have to worry if it's true or not to tell her to get support from her loved ones. I knew someone was going to say that, which is why I said that I wasn't implying that it was her fault -- at all. I was asking about what the circumstances were because I can't imagine that she would do anything that might make herself vulnerable. Someone else stated that women being assaulted is common. I really have to wonder what we're talking about here -- bad ass neighborhood, surrounded by druggies, what exactly? This is a horrible thing if people are starting to accept that this is commonplace. That's just completely ridiculous that our society has come to this; that women can't even feel safe.
RecentChange Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 1 out of 6 American women have been sexually assaulted. It's not about bad neighborhoods, or who you hang out with. It's usually someone they know or a family member who assults them - especially when we are talking about children. 2
whichwayisup Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 Oh yep, there's already a court date set. Thanks for your advice, I've just dropped her a message to say that I hope she's ok and I appreciate her reaching out to me. Also tell her if she needs it, to seek counseling so she can not let this sexual assault ruin her. By doing this, you're showing you care for her well being and at the same time letting her know that you're not going to be the supportive one holding her hand and talking to her about it all. You care and always will just don't allow her or let yourself fall back into old patterns and habits. 1
losangelena Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 Someone else stated that women being assaulted is common. I really have to wonder what we're talking about here -- bad ass neighborhood, surrounded by druggies, what exactly? This is a horrible thing if people are starting to accept that this is commonplace. That's just completely ridiculous that our society has come to this; that women can't even feel safe. Lol if you think most sexual assaults happen in darkened alleys on the rough side of town. Please. Sexual assault is most often perpetrated by a man the woman knows. https://rainn.org/statistics There are many, many s***ty things about our society. I don't know what's any more or less shocking about this. 1
bathtub-row Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 Lol if you think most sexual assaults happen in darkened alleys on the rough side of town. Please. Sexual assault is most often perpetrated by a man the woman knows. https://rainn.org/statistics There are many, many s***ty things about our society. I don't know what's any more or less shocking about this. I'm really surprised to hear that it's so common. That's just really, really sad.
preraph Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 Profilers have noted over and over, based on interviews with the actual serial violent offenders, as well as their own observation that predators have a natural instinct for prey. They know it, too. Whether it's child molesters or rapists, they have a way of instinctively knowing how to prey on them and who would be the most vulnerable. It's in the details, small things, like this girl on another thread who is letting this guy follow her all over town without causing a commotion about it or an uncertain child or a vulnerable teen looking for acceptance. So there may be some commonality in the victims, but it's not their fault. Their whole life has led them to that point and then bad luck has put them in front of a predator.
minimariah Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 Please. Sexual assault is most often perpetrated by a man the woman knows. this. rapists are those nice dudes you see every single day. they're your neighbours, classmates, they come from good families, have good manners and are educated. on the outside - rapists look NORMAL, pleasant and many times... nice and attractive. let's all remember Ted Bundy, for example. an average woman has bigger chances of being raped by her co-worker or a friend than by some random druggie. now... this is just what we KNOW; imagine how many rape & other sex assaults aren't reported to the authorities. 1
Author duncsvoice Posted March 15, 2016 Author Posted March 15, 2016 Awesome. Maybe be there in the courtroom for her if she needs to testify. That's going to be tough unless she is numb that day too. She may really need you there. You're a good person to be there for her now. So you don't want to date each other anymore? I don't get it. You seem to really like each other. I've offered to be there. Yep, well I'm still deeply in love with her and was trying to move on as she broke up with me, but she consistently contacts me as her safe place. I have asked her not to, but for this I just want to be there for her. I feel sick with worry.
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