woaitzsuperman Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 So here is the backstory of my relationship. I am currently 26 and she is 28. We have been in a serious relationship for the past year and 3 months. Before she met me, she was in a 6 year relationship with someone else and was engaged for almost a year. A few months before her wedding, she broke it off. Long story short, he was abusive and the relationship was extremely unhealthy. She knew about this for a long time, but he kept convincing her that he was going to get better (took therapy, etc). However, he never got better and he didn't try to get better. She did what she had to do it and ended it. She met me 3 mo later. During our relationship, everything was great. We were both happy and loved each other. There were moments when she would get depressed about her previous relationship, but I was supportive and told her we would work through it together. Starting last June, she started her one year residency program in Seattle (I live in CA). We made efforts to see each other at least once a month. Our love for each other continued to grow. However, the past month has been difficult. She told me she feels like she's not able to give her 100% to me. She can't completely invest herself to me because she feels like she still hasn't recovered from her past relationship. She felt hopeful that being with me will help her get better but that hasn't been the case. She told me she thinks being by herself will help her find herself and heal. Only then can she give me her everything. What can you say to that? I want what's best for her so I agreed. We broke up a week ago. We are both at the stage where we are mature enough to make a decision that we know is the best for each other. I respected her decision. 2 days after we ended things, I started taking it really hard. I barely eat and I can't sleep at night and I spend every moment thinking about the possibility of getting her back once she is better. I caved and called her. It was very emotional. I told her to tell me something..anything to help me move on. She told me the truth. She told me she loves me and her love for me has been growing and is now stronger than ever. But despite that, she thinks she really needs this for herself. What's been making this so difficult for me to move on is this. I love her and she is the one for me. And I want to wait for her. She is worth the wait. Is that a healthy mindset to have moving forward? What do you guys make of the whole situation? I can't stop feeling so hopeful and think that things will get better once she is better. Is this the right way to go about it? What should I do? Thanks for hearing me out and thank god for this forum. 1
bathtub-row Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 (edited) Yes, there's actually a very good chance that she'll heal and come back to you. I went through something like this once. I was going through a divorce, I was learning to become a single mom, and I was dating a new guy. All of these things happened very closely together. My bf was somewhat needy but we were completely nuts about one another. However after about a year, my divorce was still dragging on and I was starting to feel like I was drowning. I tried to talk to my bf but he took it to mean that I really didn't love him the way he loved me. But he was completely wrong. Regardless we ended up breaking up because he wasn't willing to give me space. And in truth that was the best thing that ever happened to me in terms of me healing and getting my head together. After about 3 mos of being on my own, I was fully ready to get back into the relationship. My ex was in a different place though. He had become resentful toward me. And during the time we were broken up, he dated some drama queen that - prior to dating me - he wouldn't give the time of day. I mean a true drama queen who slept with every guy she came across. So this drama really increased when he started dating me. Long story short, the magic was gone between us. Not because of the time I took but because of the mess he made of things while we were broken up and because he was bent on getting back at me. In the end, I know I'm lucky not to be with someone like that. You seem to be in a much better place, even if it is hurting you. Be patient and give it some time to see what happens. The truth is, if you can't give her time to heal, she'll lose respect for you and will feel controlled. Try to find a tranquil place for yourself emotionally. Remind yourself that this very likely not over, and that she'll be even more in love with you when she comes out of this fog she's in. And btw, during those 3 mos that I was on my own, to this day, I couldn't tell you what I did or what I was thinking. I was so emotionally confused that that time period was like a dark hole to me. I still can't explain it. But what it made me realize is that I needed some serious space. There was no other fix. It wasn't something that love or caring from another person can give you. Hang in there. It's way too soon to throw in the towel. Edited March 14, 2016 by bathtub-row
salparadise Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 I love her and she is the one for me. And I want to wait for her. She is worth the wait. Is that a healthy mindset to have moving forward? What do you guys make of the whole situation? I can't stop feeling so hopeful and think that things will get better once she is better. Is this the right way to go about it? What should I do? This is a shame, seriously. I don't think anyone can tell you definitively what's the right thing to do. She has had space for almost a year now with the long distance relationship and seeing each other once a month... and now she wants to go to zero? I'm sorry, but I just don't think it bodes well for you. I don't think it's fair for her to put you through this unless it really needs to be over (for her). You could waste years of your life being lonely, heartbroken and pining for someone who has moved on with theirs. Have you considered the possibility that she met someone in Seattle that she's interested in and is trying to let go gently and spare you the heartbreak of such news? The practical, rational thing would be to try and move on with your life and just consider her coming back as one of many, however unlikely, possibilities in the future. I think being stuck in that limbo would be worse than accepting that it's over, just not as painful in the sort term. 3
Author woaitzsuperman Posted March 14, 2016 Author Posted March 14, 2016 One of the biggest reasons why I fell in love with her was bc of her maturity. She values honesty and she has always been that way with me. She is extremely grounded and rarely makes rash decisions without giving it thought. During our talk 2 days after we broke up, I told her to tell me how she felt about me (It's so weird but I wanted her to hurt me with the truth, hoping it'll help me move on easier). I probed for answers..Are you less attracted to me now than you were before? Do you feel like you lost the drive to fight? Is there anyone else you're seeing/interested in? She basically said no to all of those things and told me that she loves me but she's confused. She wants to get better and heal but she just doesn't know how to...and that it's not fair to me that she keeps dragging me in like this. I believe her 100%. As each day goes by, I feel like I'm seeing things clearer. I've come to terms with the fact that this is what she needs and that we aren't getting back together anytime soon. I understand that I need to focus on myself for now and let her be. Thank you bathtub and paradise for your advice. I hope you guys now get a better understanding of where I am coming from. For others out there, I would love to hear more personal experiences of someone who's dealt with a similar situation and how things panned out post BU. Was hard NC initiated? Is it a good idea to contact her 3 mo down the road to see how she's doing? It kills me to say this but I keep reassuring myself that there is hope. When should I throw in the towel and say enough is enough. I will be tracking my progress from here on out. Let's fight this war together!
Itspointless Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 I love her and she is the one for me. And I want to wait for her. She is worth the wait. Is that a healthy mindset to have moving forward? As hard as it is for me to say it: no, that is not a healthy mindset. It perhaps would have been if she had said well woaitzsuperman give me two or three months, as things have progressed so quickly. Also as Sal mentioned she already saw you very little and that even was too much? This way after 15 months, no. I can tell you, waiting indefinitely is one of the most horrible things we can put ourselves through. She should have taken time after that relationship. Sorry man, please be kind to yourself and try to move on. 1
Itspointless Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 When should I throw in the towel and say enough is enough. If she can't give you a reasonable timeline.
Author woaitzsuperman Posted March 15, 2016 Author Posted March 15, 2016 how much time should I give her until I talk to her? I haven't asked for a timeline yet or anything. I'm just so tempted to fly up there this weekend and see her in person..We both have next week off too for break and we had all these plans to do stuff. it's been 7 days since we broke up
kztar Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 She shouldnt have been dating you after a breakup. It becomes the breakheart chain. Someone breaks your heart and then you end up breaking an innocent person's heart. Not good at all. Red flag for next time. Im going through a breakup myself. Met this great guy but he was smart enough to not even try to pursue me after knowing that im going through a heartbreak. He moved on and I can't blame him for that. He is a great guy but right now I need to focus on me. When I heal and able to open up to someone else then Ill get back in the game.
lolablue17 Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 I don't believe her. I'm not saying she's lying, but she probably can't think of herself as the bad guy, and that leads her to say things she has convinced herself with. She isn't honest with herself. You know what? I will also dare (who am i to know?) to guess that she's not telling you everything. She's not honest with you. She probably loves you but not sure you're the one. She wants to be fair with you, and doesn't want to lead you on, so she's letting you go, although it's hard for her. It means she's not selfish. I have an advice for you. Call her and tell her that you understand and accept her wishes (bla bla bla), but you need to protect yourself, and you hope she wont get hurt, but you're moving on today, starting to date other women, and then, Wish her the best (bla bla bla) and bye bye for good. Full NC. That should give her a hidden ultimatum. She will get the message and will understand: "My ex is going to start dating, so I have a timeline of about 2 weeks. If I wont come back in 2 weeks, i might loose him forever". After your call wait 1-2 weeks. If she doesn't contact you in 2 weeks, it means that she really doesn't want you in her life, and the "I love you but..." was Just a nice way to break up. 3
Itspointless Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 (edited) how much time should I give her until I talk to her? See it as your last effort, do not wait and give an ultimatum. If she agrees, then OK, if not you know what you are up to. edit: I see lolablue wrote something similar. Just give her the ultimatum. Edited March 15, 2016 by Itspointless
Author woaitzsuperman Posted March 15, 2016 Author Posted March 15, 2016 Wow lolablue u hit it right on the dot. The way you put it makes total sense to me and the way that she has been responding further validates your claim. Yeah it wouldn't make any sense for me to go see her in the first place. What am I accomplishing going there anyway? Nothing's changed and it'll only make things harder for the both of us. It's just so hard for me to let this go because I know she is the one. And a lot of you guys might be rolling your eyes thinking I'm being ridiculous and that I'll be able to find someone better..but I know it in my heart. And I know that she will always be in my heart for the rest of my life. And I'm just scared for the future. I'm scared to commit to another relationship down the road and know that this will always be hanging over my head...This is exactly the reason why my parents separated when I was young, and I can't help but think that I'm somehow heading towards a similar path. That scares me to the bones.. I think I understand what I need to do. I will call her at the end of the week. I will tell her I am going full NC from here on out and that I am going to be moving on completely. I don't think it's fair for her or me to give her a 1 month 2 month or 3 month ultimatum and track her progress from there. Thank you for your advice and I will continue keeping you guys posted.
ilovemefirst Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 I was in her position..i almost got married to someone i was with for 5 years. My reasons for wanting to be alone were that i felt i was too young to marry and that i wanted to learn to be alone as i felt like i depended on him to be happy. Long story short, he did not give me space for a whole year, so i did not go back to him during that time...his energy was overpowering...he focused too much on me..and that did not allow me to miss him or realize his worth..i did not leave him for another guy, neither did i date for a long time out of respect for him to heal..then one day i felt he was no longer missing me..the energy disappeared..i started to miss him and he called me that same night to tell me he decided to let me go... All i can tell you is that the only way is to let her go. internally you have to feel it and really accept that it is over for now. There is a good chance she will be back, but you should not wait for that to happen. You should work on you and focus on your future and appreciate the things you have now. We take things for granted and only realize its worth when we lose it. She will be back, but it may take a little while. Good luck with everything. Just be positive. Good things are yet to come:)
Author woaitzsuperman Posted April 12, 2016 Author Posted April 12, 2016 Hey guys. So i have an update. It's been 1 month since we last talked and she called me two days ago wanting to talk. Throughout this whole month I made my best efforts to not contact her and we were basically on limited contact basis. This is the first time she made an effort to call me. She told me she wants to get back with me and that she wants to see me this weekend. She booked the plane ticket and I am flying this Friday to go see her. This past few month has been extremely difficult for me and my heart is still all kind of f***** up right now. Although I am happy to hear that she wants to get back, I'm scared that she is going to hurt me again. I don't think I can go through that again, especially this soon. What are your guy's thoughts? She told me she feels much better now but I feel like a month is such a short amount of time and it's too soon. Is it too soon? Am I setting myself up for trouble?
salparadise Posted April 12, 2016 Posted April 12, 2016 Hey guys. So i have an update. It's been 1 month since we last talked and she called me two days ago wanting to talk. Throughout this whole month I made my best efforts to not contact her and we were basically on limited contact basis. This is the first time she made an effort to call me. She told me she wants to get back with me and that she wants to see me this weekend. She booked the plane ticket and I am flying this Friday to go see her. This past few month has been extremely difficult for me and my heart is still all kind of f***** up right now. Although I am happy to hear that she wants to get back, I'm scared that she is going to hurt me again. I don't think I can go through that again, especially this soon. What are your guy's thoughts? She told me she feels much better now but I feel like a month is such a short amount of time and it's too soon. Is it too soon? Am I setting myself up for trouble? I agree that a month isn't enough time to come to terms with all of this. You need to equilibrate––get over some of the hurt and more fully understand where you are individually. I also think it's wrong for her to put you through all of this crap and then just call you up and say - ok I've decided we'll be getting back together and I want you here this weekend... as if your feelings are somewhat inconsequential and she's entitled to treat you like the little red ball on the end of the rubber band attached to the paddle. What to do? Well I can only give my opinion, and I'm not emotionally invested - you have to make decisions based on your own instincts. She has hurt you and the relationship by acting like the universe revolves around her and her feelings. Your feelings matter too. I think you should tell her exactly what you said here––that a month is too soon and now you need time... a) because that's how you genuinely feel, b) because she needs to realize that you aren't a little ball on the end of her string, and c) because yanking you around by the emotions and treating you like a knick-knack that she's trying to decide whether to keep or discard is going to have consequences. If you go running back the second she says, ok I think I want you back now, it's going to reinforce her notion that it's acceptable behavior, that she is in complete control and you are powerless... that you actually are a little ball on the end of her string. I think you should tell her you need another month to think things over, and that you want little or no contact during that time. Being on the receiving end of the push-pull is no way to live your life. Spend that extra month getting in touch with what is acceptable/unacceptable to you and become assertive with respect to your own needs. If you feel that being in a relationship with her is equivalent to always waiting on the other shoe to drop, or that your needs are always going to be secondary to hers... well, you may see thing quite differently than you did one month ago. I think it's important for you to get all of these things sorted out so that if/when you do get back together it will be a brand new chapter... and if you're lucky perhaps you can make it about taking care of each other, with everything being balanced and reciprocal.
ExpatInItaly Posted April 12, 2016 Posted April 12, 2016 I think you should not go and see her. Not right now. I don't think it's right that she calls and decides she's ready, and you're jumping so quickly. Ask her to explain to you what exactly she has done in this last month that has cleared her mind. Tell her to be specific. I say that because simply "thinking" for a few weeks would be insufficient for me. She broke up with you a 1.5 yrs (give or take) after her previous relationship ended because she wasn't healed yet. And now she feels better after a few weeks? I would tell her you need more time to think. Not to play games, but to really give yourself time to question whether this is the right relationship for you. Ask yourself what you would need her to do differently this time around. Also, ask her if she's seen or talked to her ex in the past month. Something tells me she might have, but realized it still wasn't going to work and now has come back to you. Just my two cents.
LydiaLong Posted April 12, 2016 Posted April 12, 2016 Clearly she isn't over the ex boyfriend, and I think there's a really big part of her that is holding the space open for him in case circumstances change. So you can either wait around until she finally decides that he's not going to change or you can move on with your life. I recommend the latter. I know it's hard, but that's the reality of your situation. Do you really want to have a relationship with a woman who is not 100% into you? I would hate to have someone who is only half with me and half with someone else. She needs to be completely over him, and that will take time. Please don't sit around and mope over her. Do yourself a favor and start dating other women.
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