I'm tempted to reach out...

[brokengirl85]

Yes...

I'm lonely and off the dating world. Why? Because I decided I was not ready to date, because I'm still in love with an ex I haven't met or antthibg since beginnings of 2015. More than one year, yes.

 

Well, this guy apparently never loved me back, but we had good chemistry (or do I thought). He was actually the person j loved the most in my life despite the fact he didn't reciprocate.

 

Moreover, he started dating someone and disappeared from the face of earth for the entire 2015.

I googled his username today and he's profile us active once again in one dating site. I had him blocked from everywhere, phone, Facebook and the dating sites when I was active.

 

But now I was just thinking...what if I contact him again? We had great chemistry and I'm still much in love with him. What if I just meet him one more time? What if we laugh and joke like we used to? Just one more time...he's single now...

 

 

What to do? What to do? What would you do guys?

[d0nnivain]

You can't base a relationship on chemistry alone.

 

Why did you break up? If he broke up with you, the fact that he's dating again does not mean he wants to date you again.

 

In the grand scheme it's probably a bad idea to go backwards in life to something that wasn't working the 1st time.

 

If you contact him & he rejects you again, will that spur you into getting over him?

[Satu]

I'm a 'living in the present' kind of person, so I like to let the past be what passed.

 

If the chemistry had been that good for him, it would never have ended up with him being with someone else, and you being alone.

 

He hasn't contacted you, so there's an indicator of his level of interest.

 

Contact him if you want, but I wouldn't build up any great expectations of renewed romance.

 

 

Take care.

[LostOne08]

Depends. On a lot of factors.

 

Most importantly, you say this guy is your ex. Why is he your ex? You say he never loved you, did he dump you or did you dump him? What makes you think that, a year later, he's capable of loving you now if he didn't before? I'm not being accusatory when I ask that question, there might be genuine reasons that you think he's capable of loving you now and why he couldn't in the past. People do change. However, personally, I would find it difficult to believe that someone suddenly loves me (or has the capacity to love me) when they didn't show a glimpse of that in the past.

 

Also, how long were you two together? From your post it sounds like it wasn't very long at all. Are you sure that you're in love with him and not the idea of what you two could have been? If you didn't know this person very well when you were together and have had no contact with him for a year, how can you say you love him? Again, people do change. And if you're just in love with the idea of him or the idea of what you could have been, I wouldn't think that would be a good reason to contact him.

 

At the end of the day, though, people are going to do what they want to do and what they think is right from them at that moment. I've been there myself. If you feel like it's in your best interest, you're going to contact him regardless of what I (or anyone else on LS says). I think before you do that, though, it's worth taking stock of your previous relationship with him and why you want to contact him now. Also, I would be fully prepared to be given the cold shoulder by this person considering you haven't spoken to him in a year. If you're alright with every possible outcome, who are we to tell you not to reach out?

[Zahara]

what if I contact him again?

 

That wouldn't be smart seeing where your head is.

 

We had great chemistry and I'm still much in love with him.

 

And he wasn't emotionally into you and you still are, so while the chemistry was great, the imbalance would have a negative impact on you.

 

What if I just meet him one more time? What if we laugh and joke like we used to? Just one more time...he's single now...

 

That's your junkie mind talking. You're romanticizing and projecting your past on him -- he's moved on and probably doesn't view things from your perspective. Maybe you want to remind of your existence just one more time just to see if maybe things could be different. But if he never felt love for you, and moved on so easily, I would think it wouldn't be a good thing. You could reach out and just have fun but that would be a lie since you're still in love with him.

 

What would you do guys?

 

Personally, I would keep chugging on. The inability to move on from your past doesn't justify revisiting it, especially when there is a potential to get hurt.

[smackie9]

Contact him again? You need to stop treating relationships with emotionally available men as something promising. You can try and convince yourself over and over again that he had to have been in love with you , or there is a possibility he will because you had great chemistry. Reality, he ain't that into you.

 

You need to learn that no matter how intense your feelings are for someone, doesn't mean they ever will feel the same. Snap out of your obsession with this guy so you can move on. It would be different if he contacted you, but all this time it has been you doing all the work, stalking the guy....one day you will look back at this and realize how foolish you were.

[brokengirl85]

Ugh.

I'm about to do a medical study two blocks from his house. Isn't this a coincidence? But he's working, I suppose.

 

Ok, yes, I get what you all said. This was a relationship based on sex. So no one dumped the other one. He just met someone else, that's all. And lost interest on me.

 

You're all right. I'm not going to contact him. I'm a junkie! That's true. And the feelings I had for him were never reciprocated. In fact, when he had the chance to date someone more interesting, he didn't doubt fir a second and just forgot about me in a minute.

 

So hurtful...the non reciprocated love.

[preraph]

He scrapped you. You've endowed him with good characteristics he either doesn't have or isn't willing to use on you.

[brokengirl85]

He scrapped you. You've endowed him with good characteristics he either doesn't have or isn't willing to use on you.

 

 

This sounds really bad. Specially because I had feelings for him and still one year later I remember our times together with sadness because we're not together anymore.

[katiegrl]

This sounds really bad. Specially because I had feelings for him and still one year later I remember our times together with sadness because we're not together anymore.

 

Best you hear the truth though, right?

 

So you can put this baby to rest and finally move on?

 

Hugs

[brokengirl85]

I'm in disbelief I could have had such intense feelings for someone that didn't feel a thing for me. I was obviously very desperate

[Gaeta]

I'm in disbelief I could have had such intense feelings for someone that didn't feel a thing for me. I was obviously very desperate

 

There is a difference between feelings of love, infatuation, emotional dependency, sexual chemistry. It's like you take all of those feelings and label them 'love'. They're not.

 

That pain in the pit of your stomach is not always 'love'.

 

Why don't you go on a personal quest, do a little bit of introspection to grasp the difference between feelings.

[brokengirl85]

I will. But I'll mostly keep coming here for advice.

 

Thank you all.

[smackie9]

Just because someone isn't that into you doesn't make you lesser of a person, just so you know.

[Satu]

Here are a couple of clippings from old journals of mine:

 

 

"People grieve for what they had and lost, and they also grieve for what they needed and wanted, but didn't get.

 

Its often both.

 

Grief is a noble thing, but it should not become permanent, or a settled state of being.

 

Do your grieving and move on."

 

 

"The sadness stops when you stop 'sadding.'

 

Thoughts and feelings are behaviours, not something you can't change, like the weather.

 

When you finally decide that you've been through enough, you'll stop."

 

 

Take care.

[Zippy2000]

Im curious to ask why you want to reach out to him.

 

You mentioned he disappeared in 2015.

 

Are you missing him or are you just curious about his activities?

[truth_seeker]

Ugh.

I'm about to do a medical study two blocks from his house. Isn't this a coincidence? But he's working, I suppose.

 

Ok, yes, I get what you all said. This was a relationship based on sex. So no one dumped the other one. He just met someone else, that's all. And lost interest on me.

 

You're all right. I'm not going to contact him. I'm a junkie! That's true. And the feelings I had for him were never reciprocated. In fact, when he had the chance to date someone more interesting, he didn't doubt fir a second and just forgot about me in a minute.

 

So hurtful...the non reciprocated love.

 

Are you this much into him because he's not giving you any attention? I wonder if he were into you, would you be that into him?

[brokengirl85]

Im curious to ask why you want to reach out to him.

 

You mentioned he disappeared in 2015.

 

Are you missing him or are you just curious about his activities?

 

I miss him. I'm always missing him. I've dated some when I thought I was ready. One was a doctor I met three times but after our third date he started to lose interest (I guess he was not that interested in me but looking for sex) and the other was another guy I contacted online. We dated some but I felt no chemistry at all. I felt something was really off and after our fifth date I just told him I preferred to be alone.

 

But, this other guy was my everything. Or so I thought. I just adored him, and blindly forgave him everything as well. I was content with his breadcrumbs. I was the happiest when I received a text from him (very scarcely!) I felt on top of the world when I was with him. I truly believed he was the one, and forever.

 

But he was a liar. And deceived me to keep using me for sex. I said yes, because the sex we had was the best I've ever had in my life. And because I thought some day he'd love me back

 

Never happened. That's my story. I still miss him, yes, one year later. But I'm not reaching out. Some pain and suffering is better to keep it to ourselves.

[Zahara]

As Gaeta mentioned, you need to dig deep and figure out your true attachment to this guy. After a year you're still finding it difficult to detach from someone that you never shared a relationship with other than just sex, a guy you note is a liar, paid you very little attention -- yet believe him to be "the one"?

 

I don't think you "love" him. I think you're still struggling from feeling rejected and you're defining your self-worth by that rejection -- you still can't close the door because you're still wanting/waiting for that validation.

 

You've immensely idealized him based on the very little he's given you. It doesn't sound rational or healthy.

Edited March 15, 2016 by Zahara

[brokengirl85]

As Gaeta mentioned, you need to dig deep and figure out your true attachment to this guy. After a year you're still finding it difficult to detach from someone that you never shared a relationship with other than just sex, a guy you note is a liar, paid you very little attention -- yet believe him to be "the one"?

 

I don't think you "love" him. I think you're still struggling from feeling rejected and you're defining your self-worth by that rejection -- you still can't close the door because you're still wanting/waiting for that validation.

 

You've immensely idealized him based on the very little he's given you. It doesn't sound rational or healthy.

 

Yes, rejection hurts very bad. I thought the solution would be to start dating again, but I realized that, when guys started to get interested on me, it was me the one who lost interest.

I just wanted to capture his attention, but it was so brief and subtle, that I always wanted more. More love that he could not give me.

 

I'm not dating now, but it's making me missing him more and more. To the point I opened a thread about him! Cannot be...

[MidwestUSA]

 

I'm not dating now, but it's making me missing him more and more. To the point I opened a thread about him! Cannot be...

 

How many days has it been since your final date with that last guy?

 

Cannot be, shouldn't be. What bothers you about being alone?

[brokengirl85]

How many days has it been since your final date with that last guy?

 

Cannot be, shouldn't be. What bothers you about being alone?

 

We had dinner at home last Wednesday. Almost one week ago.

It doesn't bother me to be alone. Thing is there's a lot of free space in my mind and I tend to go always in the same direction. Doesn't help I'm a little depressed right now

[Gaeta]

I'm not dating now, but it's making me missing him more and more. To the point I opened a thread about him! Cannot be...

 

What do you miss?

 

The random text that never comes in?

You're missing the craving feeling of never having enough of him?

 

This man did nothing for you to 'love' him. Your love for him is no more than the love of a groupie for a rock star.

[Leigh 87]

The greatest chemistry we feel tends to be from men that aren't that into us.

 

What is really going in is that you feel a spark and then their unavailability and the fact they don't fall for you makes you latch on and amplifies the chemistry times 10.

It is fake chemistry I like to call it. When you feel a spark that may or may not be mutual and then the guys unavailability sends the chemistry through the roof.

 

True Chemistry is when both people feel great sparks and actually feel emotionally charged enough to pursue it.

 

Always remember: the unavailability of these men with whom we feel a spark with amplifies the chemistry 10 fold.... It ISN'T REAL. The guy just isn't feeling the same sense of longing for you that you do for him.... it is an illusion that is created due to the initial spark you had and the fact he's unavailable yet still affable and intriguing to you and giving you just enough to stay in the hook.

 

I know that feeling of being all excited when they text you! It has happened to me with a few guys. Only one of them ended up falling for me and wanting to have a relationship with me.

 

I am sure he felt attracted to youa but the sense of yearning for him and missing him IS one sided and frankly, UNHEALTHY.

 

I have walked in your shoes. Although at the time I couldn't see it, it wasn't love and me and the guy didn't have anything special. It was just chemistry.

 

1 of 2 things were the case with the men I've crushed hard on; some of them actually did genuinely have earth shattering chemistry with me mutually ( 3 of them did) and were either terrible matches for me and emotional not able to fall for me or they didn't like my personality much. ..... OR. . When younger, I really did crush on men who weren't even into me physically that much nor were they feeling the same chemistry I was.

 

So in any case, he dated someone else when he knew he had you as an option to pursue. He is therefore in NO way into you. He has no reason to have gone after her and ditched you other than he just wasn't that into you.

[Leigh 87]

As Gaeta mentioned, you need to dig deep and figure out your true attachment to this guy. After a year you're still finding it difficult to detach from someone that you never shared a relationship with other than just sex, a guy you note is a liar, paid you very little attention -- yet believe him to be "the one"?

 

I don't think you "love" him. I think you're still struggling from feeling rejected and you're defining your self-worth by that rejection -- you still can't close the door because you're still wanting/waiting for that validation.

 

You've immensely idealized him based on the very little he's given you. It doesn't sound rational or healthy.

 

 

 

I want to share my mistakes with you.

 

I once falsely thought a guy was " the one". Do you know what? We met randomly on a train. ... I stupidly went back to hang out with him...he was Irish ( I am Aussie) and he did a few things to get me hooked :

- told me he had " never felt a connection like this before":rolleyes:

- he said that" we would be together for a long time"

- he was on a good job and worked hard ( manly traits that are desirable)

- he was blue collar and successful ( I am not attracted to white collar)

 

Oh. And the fact he told me he loved me on the first meet up.

 

I was hooked. LOL. I thought it was " love".

 

He was into me initially and flew me over to see him accross the country twice. And spent hundreds on feeding me and on a necklace after only just meeting me.

 

It was the fact he acted UNAVAILABLE ( despite being into me initially) that caused the huge chemistry. ....

 

I tell ya, as soon as I saw the real him, thought about the fact he stopped calling and texting often, and saw our " connection " for what it truly was? I realised we had nothing aside from an initial spark and chemistry. We had nothing else. No emotional bond really. The sex wasn't good in the end.

 

It was all an illusion. We had sparks and after the initial rush he lost interest and the sex was meh and I feel nothing for him now.

 

Has this guy demonstrated that he is really into you on the inside and outside? Does he have any atrirbutes that you admire? Did you two TRULY click beyond the initial playful banter!?!

 

I find that a lot of girls get caught up in the initial " thing" you have... the thing is, of course the initial thrill is fun! And also, it is very possible to have fun banter and witty conversation only to totally crash and burn when you actually DO start talking for real on dates.........

 

I got caught up last year with a neighbor after the Irish lad. We had the chemistry but no compatability and yet there I was, getting caught up in the initial chemistry we BOTH had. I really intrigued him.....then we didn't have anything in common. And didn't click the way I thought we would have. ........

 

You don't miss him. You miss the high and thrill of the chemistry that you ASSUMED was mutual and assumed meant there was more to it........

 

I admit that I look back on those men that I had the fireworks with. Heck, one of them reached out recently. He has a gf. He said that he missed the spark we shared and has a real soft spot. He wanted to thank me for helping him through his depression. And that the wild chemistr really made him feel alive; yet WE WEREN'T SUITED for a relationship! We had funchats and nights drinking wine and having sex but a relationship that doesn't make!

 

Please let go of the initial haze and the first days with this jerk. If he was a decent guy he would have been honest and upfront with you! Which BOTH men I had a thing with in the past told me early on that they couldn't give ne a relationship and explained why. They knew I wanted to date them....... any idiot KNOWS. A morally sound person will forewarn you of their lack of emotions and intention to push things to the next level with you.

 

I did have a couple that didn't spell it out for me...the Irish and an English lad.... but more often than not, men were honest and did the right thing!

 

I bet this guy knew that you were into him yet did nothing. Or maybe he was too careless to think about how you would feel if he met someone that he did want to date.......

 

Not exactly a guy you should be feeling any emotional attachment towards:sick:

 

I soon realized that I had built ip the attachment in my head to those men and that we actually had nothing real to miss.

 

I hope it hits you soon, too.