she did not tell me

[ice]

hi, just wanted to establish if i am not overreacting... my boyfriend has been complaining about me and our arguments to my best friend. she did not tell me that he has been complaining, but i kind of guessed from the remarks she made that she knows something about the argument (as my bf and I almost split up on that). i asked my bf and he told me what they have discussed. i felt v betrayed by her not telling me about the complaints. when i asked why she did not tell me - she said that she did not want to talk about these things because i have not told her them and she assumed i dont want to discuss it. also my bf asked what would she do if she would be in my shoes in the argument - and according to him she did not respond. she claims that she answered that she would do the same thing i did. i believe him, as she has tendency to lie.

 

i got v upset and raised my voice with her and hang up in the last conversation. also i am considering to slowly end the friendship with her (i cannot do it quickly as i have to organise her hen night and her wedding (according to the traditions where we are from) and all the organisation has already started).

 

am i overreacting? of course there have been other issues as well, this is not the only problem with her, but it definately was the trigger as i have fully lost trust

[snailz]

hi there

 

In a way i think he may have put her in a difficult situation, he knows she is your friend and that you have the whole girlie trust thing going on, therefor he probebly shouldnt have been complaining to her in the first place.

 

however i can understand why he's approached her-

 

In the past ive been in a similar situation, when my boyfriend has upset me it has been tempting to complain about him to his friends, probebly because they know him best and therefor would understand and give me an insight to why he's upsetting me.

 

If it was me in this situation i would have words with both of them as i do believe he is as much to blame here as she is, she should have been honest and told you he had been talking about your relationship but he shouldnt have been complaining to her about you anyway. I'd ask him not to do this again and id ask her to try and be more honest with you in the future.

 

Do you really want to ruin a friendship over something that isnt fully her fault?

[FolderWife]

Are you kidding!?!? Ok, your best friend comes to you and says, "hey, your boyfriend told me all about your fight with him the other day bla bla bla" and you'd totally flip out and get angry at her. She doesn't tell you, and you flip out and get angry at her.

 

Her place is NOT in the middle of your relationship!!! You need to forgive her for this, and if you're upset about her knowing about your fights, then you need to take it up with the person who filled her in...YOUR BOYFRIEND.

 

Why are you upset with HER? She was trying to keep her nose out of your relationship as best she could.

[ice]

well, the reason why i am v angry with her is because of the history. me and my bf had a fight some 7-8 months ago. i was v upset and planning to go away for weekend to get some rest of him and the relationship. i told her that. she contacted him (without me knwoing) and told him about my plan and how upset i am. so, he organised a romantic weekend for us (similar to the one i was thinking of having with my sister to unwind), called me and obviosuly surprised me - i was v happy, have to say. i had my suspicions and asked them both then - if they have communicated that day - both denied.

 

few days later she told me that she told him about my plans and that is why he organised the weekend. then i thanked her for doing what she thought was the best fo me, but that in the future, whatever happens i dont want to be lied to and not informed. that i do not like surprises and that she has to tell me and not do anything around my back.

 

I talked also to him, that weekend was v nice, but that i do not want to be lied to under any circumstances.

 

my bf thought i tell my best friend everything, so he assumed that i have told her about that argument already. and i do (did) tell her everything, most probably i would have told her about it, but she was away at the time it happened and later on i forgot to mention. i spoke to him too and told him to complain about me to his friends not mine. and we have agreed he will not do that again.

 

what makes me mad is that (I think) she thinks that she knows what is best for me and is deciding what to tell me and what not based on what she thinks is the best outcome for me - e.g. staying in this relationship.

 

before i was trusting her (we have been friends for 15 years), but now as my trust was broken i started to look around more carefully. and have some observations - when her bf is away she always imposes her on me and my bf and we end up hanging out 3 of us (and her bf was recently gone for 6 months). when it is other way around - she never allows me to hang out with her and her bf. i previosuly thought it was because he did not like it, but now after some digging and casual conversations, it turns out that he has been always open and asked to take me along and she was the one always aginst it (e.g. lying to him that i was busy and dont want to hang with them). and i now suspect that this is just a tip of the iceberg, as i have had my eyes open only for few days - god knows what else i will find out.