Dipping your pen in company ink. Never a good idea, right?

[E-Squared]

In the past, I have been told by many people never to try going for a coworker. I remember that I have had crushes on coworkers in the past, though I never pursued them. However, I have seen some people date others whom they have met at work, but some of the time they work in separate departments.

 

I am just wondering if this is ever a good idea or not. I mean I see some attractive women where I work, but I hardly think it's a good idea to pursue them. When I interned at a local newspaper, I remember one of the editors was attractive, but she was married and I never even tried going for her. Although we had some conversations because I thought that she was a cool person.

 

What is your perspective on this?

[OneLov]

My mom met my stepdad at work and they have been married for 21 years (together a total of 28). So is it NEVER a good idea? I would not say never. But I also would not recommend pursuing a relationship with a co-worker. There are over 7 billion people in this world, so chances are you are more compatible with someone who you do not work with.

 

My advice: Find a different ink well.

[Mr. Lucky]

In the past, I have been told by many people never to try going for a coworker. I remember that I have had crushes on coworkers in the past, though I never pursued them. However, I have seen some people date others whom they have met at work, but some of the time they work in separate departments.

 

I am just wondering if this is ever a good idea or not. I mean I see some attractive women where I work, but I hardly think it's a good idea to pursue them. When I interned at a local newspaper, I remember one of the editors was attractive, but she was married and I never even tried going for her. Although we had some conversations because I thought that she was a cool person.

 

What is your perspective on this?

 

Have done it twice in decades of working - both times started out fun, ended up a disaster. Nothing like walking in the door first thing in the morning to find someone that not only hates you but will tell anyone willing to listen what a dick you are. Bad, bad idea, especially if you're career oriented and working a job you enjoy...

 

Mr. Lucky

[HereNorThere]

I've done it twice and the first time was awesome. Met a great girl, but knew we would only be dating temporarily (she was a contract employee with another job lined up in a different state) and the second time was MY WORST NIGHTMARE. Had a whirlwind of a romance, but when it ended, omg, you just cannot describe how hurtful it is to come into work and see your ex. Even just seeing their name pop-up in paper work, etc is just soul-crushing. I even found out while we were dating that she had previously dated someone else at work and hadn't disclosed this information to me. So there I was forced to face her, her ex, etc. every single day until she started working for another company. I swore to myself I would never, ever make that mistake again and so far I haven't. For such a short relationship, it should never have been as traumatic as it was. The truth is that I simply could not escape it. Even now I still run into constant reminders that make my stomach sink.

 

I also knew of another couple who met at work, had 3 beautiful daughters, were both close to retirement and she started sleeping with a guy in another department. They were together for over 20 years working at the same place and now he had to face his wife's affair partner every single day until he found a new job. Of course a new job means new insurance, retirement, etc. He was very, very close to retiring with full benefits and now feels like he is starting over.

 

My point is this - don't bring your personal life into work. Use work to escape your personal life and use your personal life to escape your work life. Keep boundaries between the two worlds because one day you will need them. Besides, no matter what your company policy is, if you go through a nasty break-up at work - it's a work place distraction and they will hold it against you.

[Chris2016]

Happened once. She worked in another office. It was mutual. 2-3 dates. It ws fun!

 

Now, crushing on someone. Same floor. OMFG never again!

[d0nnivain]

It depends on the size of the well & what kind of job it is. When I was bartending working my way through college & grad school I dated a few co workers. It was the nature of the business.

 

Once it's a career, things are different. If it's a big company & you work at different locations, no problem. Even different floors / departments, maybe. Never date anybody you supervise or who supervises you.

 

Do not go into something like this without an end game, meaning what is your plan if things go south.

[GunslingerRoland]

A lot of marriages start from workplace romances. I think it's like dating someone who is already in your circle of friends. You have to be confident enough that the relationship will work, that it's willing to risk years of awkwardness for.

 

 

This is assuming you work relatively directly together. Many companies have thousands of people. I think you can use common sense, that if they are far enough removed, it doesn't need to be relevant.

[Emilia]

I don't regret dating my ex but it took me longer to move on as I saw him frequently. Then again after we stopped dating and had a huge fight, we became good friends. We weren't compatible but I learned what a great guy he was.

 

Real shame to hear about the older guy in a previous post.

[central]

It's usually not a good idea, but it can work if you are in different departments, don't work directly together, and have different managers - ideally, you don't see each other routinely, so if things go badly, you don't have to deal with that.

[TX-SC]

As an employee, I never dated anyone I worked with. It just never worked that way for me. I may have taken the chance if the urge was strong enough, but there haven't been many women in my field of work that I have been attracted to. I tend to go for a more feminine type. The women in my field tend to be the more rough and tough type. There's nothing wrong with that, but it's just not my thing.

 

As the owner of my company, I have no restrictions against it but will not hesitate to fire someone if they bring a lot of issues into the work place. Sexual misconduct (harrassment) is also not tolerated. Aside from that, I really don't care who they date.

[kztar]

I wouldn't. If things go bad you will be forced to seeing this individual, maybe every day, every couple of weeks, their work email will always be there meaning they can't block you because it's work. Sounds like a nightmare. I wouldn't even try. People say never say never. YES NEVERRR to this.

[lana-banana]

It really depends. My industry is extremely insular and has an unusual culture, so many of us wind up dating and marrying each other simply because it can be hard to relate to people who don't lead the lifestyle. I hate that it's true, but it is; when I dated "outside" I felt misunderstood all the time. It was a pain trying to explain things to my then-boyfriend, who simply didn't get it. I met my current boyfriend through work and couldn't be happier.

 

Rule of thumb: if you see them every day, if they're part of an ongoing business deal, and if they're anywhere in your chain of command, the answer is absolutely not. Otherwise go for it...ethics and policy permitting, of course.

[health]

My mom met my stepdad at work and they have been married for 21 years (together a total of 28). So is it NEVER a good idea? I would not say never. But I also would not recommend pursuing a relationship with a co-worker. There are over 7 billion people in this world, so chances are you are more compatible with someone who you do not work with.

 

My advice: Find a different ink well.

 

Did your mom meet your stepdad at her work while she was still married to your dad? If not how long after they were separated? My bad if this is too personal, just curious.

[E-Squared]

Being that I am also a journalist, I remember trying to flirt with a source, but that is not really dipping my pen in company ink considering we didn't work together. However, when I was on a college newspaper staff, I remember feeling attraction towards other people on the staff, but I didn't go for them. Probably was not a good idea in hindsight.

[Tribble]

It really depends. My industry is extremely insular and has an unusual culture, so many of us wind up dating and marrying each other simply because it can be hard to relate to people who don't lead the lifestyle. I hate that it's true, but it is; when I dated "outside" I felt misunderstood all the time. It was a pain trying to explain things to my then-boyfriend, who simply didn't get it. I met my current boyfriend through work and couldn't be happier.

 

Rule of thumb: if you see them every day, if they're part of an ongoing business deal, and if they're anywhere in your chain of command, the answer is absolutely not. Otherwise go for it...ethics and policy permitting, of course.

 

Out of curiosity, what line of work are you in? Sorry if you don't want to say!

 

 

I am an advocate of NO in this situation. But that's because I've lived through and am continuing to live through hell because I took the risk. Despite the pain and the hurt, having my time over again, I know I'd have done the same thing. I very rarely connect with someone so to me the possible reward was worth the risk. But you have to be very strong to deal with it if things go south. There is no NC. Everyone sees your pain. There's always the worry that you'll see them every day. It takes significantly longer to get over it. For a fling or see where it goes kind of a thing, it definitely isn't worth it. You need to be willing to leave your job for your own sanity. This is all if you work relatively closely of course. Massive company, different locations, well go at it!

[SammySammy]

It's fun while it lasts, but it has never worked out for me.

 

I don't do it anymore because it brings far too much of my personal life into the workplace. And too much drama when things end.

[MrDuck]

I follow my heart. You could always find a million reasons not to date someone if you look for them. Sometimes you just have to take a chance. You could always find things to go wrong, is that worth not exploring the possibility that I could go very right?

 

Plus whatever people write in their advice columns thousands of couples meet at work! It happens all the time.

I think you do have to consider it in how you manage your relationship. Me and my gf met at work, and still work together. I'm not one of these work is work and pleasure is pleasure and there should be no cross over kind of guys.. I think its crazy to act like you don't work together, you just have to work with the situation and its own positives and negatives.

I'm very passionate about my work (as is she) and we do run through some work stuff when we're at home, like wise I think the absolute world of that girl and I'm not going to pretend that I don't when I'm at work. But there's got to be lines, you've got to connect outside work, it cant be all about your job and likewise I don't believe work is the place to play out arguments or PDA's, you have to maintain professionalism.

 

My gf was quite hesitant to tell people at work we were dating, so we held of quite a while, namely because it was a bigger deal to them than it was to us! We'd had a connection for a while that turned into a friendship that turned it more, I guess we had a slower build up to it. It never felt weird to be to be dating her outside work and still working with her, I guess because we started there at the same time and I've never known work without her being there, it felt normal. Everyone else seemed to find it a huge deal for a couple of weeks, they're over it now, its old news I guess haha!

[Midwestmissy]

I've not done it, but what do remember was how much I respected the upper management who had very defined boundaries. Work was work, home was home. The managers who blurred that, who got drunk with the staff, who flirted with newbies - I didn't respect them. So I think if you want to move up somewhere, your conduct is observed. I'm not saying the upper mgmt were more moral, but they had rules. No chit chat about the wife and kids, were polite and worked on work. There were affairs and broken marriages among the staff (huge corporation, head office type place, lots of levels) and that did leave a mark on the careers. It also took away from their accomplishments.

 

Two young people starting off careers and meeting at work is common and totally understandable, but the break ups can be tough. Keeping it out of the office is important. I wanted people to talk about the job I'd done, not why I was crying in the break room. It distracts.

[d0nnivain]

Being that I am also a journalist, I remember trying to flirt with a source, but that is not really dipping my pen in company ink considering we didn't work together. However, when I was on a college newspaper staff, I remember feeling attraction towards other people on the staff, but I didn't go for them. Probably was not a good idea in hindsight.

 

As a journalist I would think it would be unethical to flirt with a source. I'd rather see you date the person with the desk next to yours.

 

I think you should have dated the other students on your college newspaper. Yes, it's a job but not a "real one" because it ends after graduation.

 

So don't date your editor but feel free to date another writer from a different section. For example: you write for the daily paper, it's OK to date the writer for the paper the next town over even if owned by the same media parent, or the magazine writer or the on-line blogger or even somebody who works in the printer.

[OneLov]

Did your mom meet your stepdad at her work while she was still married to your dad? If not how long after they were separated? My bad if this is too personal, just curious.

 

To my knowledge, she met him after the divorce was finalized. My mom filed for divorce in 1986, and it was finalized in 1987. My dad never felt she was seeing anyone while they were together or separated. But I cannot say 100% one way or the other since I was young and my mom never brought him around until they were fairly serious years later.

 

However, I have found in my experience there are a lot of people who start dating while they're separated and do not consider themselves adulterers. That is one reason so many statistics on adultery are so unreliable. The self report bias makes gathering objective data difficult.

 

OP,

 

I wanted to add that they never worked in same department and after first five years in different offices. So even though they met at work; they never worked together directly.

[Miss Peach]

My parents met at work. I know others who have. So it doesn't go south for everyone.

 

*BUT* I have never done it past high school jobs except with people I could easily avoid if things went south. So far a guy across the street from my employer was about as close as I've gotten.

[Lady2163]

I was in charge and I dated the second in command. He had refused to be promoted to the job I was hired for, but had been at the company for five years. He was well respected. Way too many times be undermined me. Then when our contract ended, I found out the parent company was willing to hire us both. He told them in an email that he wouldn't work for them if they hired me as well.

 

We broke up a couple years later. A long time work acquaintance showed me the email.

 

So, I never had to be broken up with him, but he caused more problems than I would like.

 

Oh - and it was a secret.

 

In retrospect, there were probably things he did that failed to have our contract extended. I look at the fact that he cost 50 sub contractors their job security and a few other things. I think that would have happened whether we were involved our not.

 

My parents met at work and lived in the same rooming house. They were married 40 years.

[bu2002]

Know plenty of people who met at work.

 

Understand your company policy, especially if you are in a position of authority with subordinates.

 

If you're smart about it, it can be successfull.

[Popsicle]

If both people want it, it's fine.

 

It's only when one person doesn't want it that it becomes a problem.

[GunslingerRoland]

I've not done it, but what do remember was how much I respected the upper management who had very defined boundaries. Work was work, home was home. The managers who blurred that, who got drunk with the staff, who flirted with newbies - I didn't respect them. So I think if you want to move up somewhere, your conduct is observed. I'm not saying the upper mgmt were more moral, but they had rules. No chit chat about the wife and kids, were polite and worked on work.

 

I think there needs to be a balance. While a manager, abusing his or her power to flirt with staff or getting drunk and being inappropriate isn't a good work situation. I'd also arguing that spending years, or decades, 40 hours a week at a place where friendships with coworkers were discouraged, sounds horribly depressing.