Coping with affair triggers and obsessing

[Svolk]

Hi I am new to this forum. Was hoping to get some good advice and support from those working through this too.

 

My husband and I have been together 9 yrs.

I found out last July that my husband cheated on me in 2012 and 2014 with 2 different women. 3 times with the first and once with the second.

We have started going to counseling (us together and him by himself to deal with his own issues)

 

I am not overly fearful of him cheating again. However, i find myself flashing back to what happened all the time. Picturing him with them. T hinking about how much he completely disregarded me and our marriage. Its so bad I have become badly depressed.i have to try so hard not to think of these things whenever he touches me. Its just awful. I don't know how to get past this any advice or help would be greatly appreciated.

[heartwhole]

I'm very sorry that you're in this same terrible boat.

 

Have you read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass? It talks about what to do when you are ruminating or obsessing. There are some tips for redirecting and stopping obsessive thoughts.

 

However, it's important to make sure that you have dealt with the affair emotionally before you try to redirect yourself to move on. You've only known for 9 months and they say it takes 2+ years to heal fully.

 

It's a traumatic discovery and you can be experiencing real PTSD from it. You can ask the marriage counselor about that and if you might benefit from individual counseling as well.

 

No, it doesn't serve much purpose to imagine him with them. But "thinking about how much he completely disregarded you and your marriage" IS very important. You can't just hide from it. You need to face the fact that he DID do those things. If you choose to stay with him, it will be because you have made peace with that. It will be because you have reason to hope that he has changed from being the man that really did those things.

 

If you are having a visceral reaction to him touching you, then why not just say, "I'm sorry, but when you touch me it reminds me of the affairs!" and talk it through with him. If you have that conversation a few times and he can empathize and acknowledge your feelings, then the next time he touches you, you might genuinely feel warmth and want to reciprocate. You shouldn't be swallowing your feelings so you can engage in physical touch that is displeasing to you.

 

My DD was in April of last year. I am just trying to be kind and gentle with myself. If something upsets me, then I will speak it and honor it until I have healed from it. It's not easy because doing so means that I have to feel the hurt over and over again. And in choosing to stay with my husband, I have to be vulnerable with that hurt rather than angrily rising up from it. But I know that there's no way around these feelings . . . the only way is through them.

 

They are hard, heavy feelings, and you may feel they are too much. You may be depressed or experiencing PTSD. The answer to those is not to stop thinking about the things that hurt you. The answer is to seek help from your doctor and your therapist. Your doctor may recommend anti-depressants in conjunction with therapy. There's no shame in needing a little help to deal with the situational depression you are experiencing.

[Svolk]

I'm very sorry that you're in this same terrible boat.

 

Have you read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass? It talks about what to do when you are ruminating or obsessing. There are some tips for redirecting and stopping obsessive thoughts.

 

However, it's important to make sure that you have dealt with the affair emotionally before you try to redirect yourself to move on. You've only known for 9 months and they say it takes 2+ years to heal fully.

 

It's a traumatic discovery and you can be experiencing real PTSD from it. You can ask the marriage counselor about that and if you might benefit from individual counseling as well.

 

No, it doesn't serve much purpose to imagine him with them. But "thinking about how much he completely disregarded you and your marriage" IS very important. You can't just hide from it. You need to face the fact that he DID do those things. If you choose to stay with him, it will be because you have made peace with that. It will be because you have reason to hope that he has changed from being the man that really did those things.

 

If you are having a visceral reaction to him touching you, then why not just say, "I'm sorry, but when you touch me it reminds me of the affairs!" and talk it through with him. If you have that conversation a few times and he can empathize and acknowledge your feelings, then the next time he touches you, you might genuinely feel warmth and want to reciprocate. You shouldn't be swallowing your feelings so you can engage in physical touch that is displeasing to you.

 

My DD was in April of last year. I am just trying to be kind and gentle with myself. If something upsets me, then I will speak it and honor it until I have healed from it. It's not easy because doing so means that I have to feel the hurt over and over again. And in choosing to stay with my husband, I have to be vulnerable with that hurt rather than angrily rising up from it. But I know that there's no way around these feelings . . . the only way is through them.

 

They are hard, heavy feelings, and you may feel they are too much. You may be depressed or experiencing PTSD. The answer to those is not to stop thinking about the things that hurt you. The answer is to seek help from your doctor and your therapist. Your doctor may recommend anti-depressants in conjunction with therapy. There's no shame in needing a little help to deal with the situational depression you are experiencing.

 

Thank you. I am going to see my dr about the antidepressants. I do acknowledge the thoughts and feelings and talk to him about them. Its just so frustrating because i want him to touch me but i also fight those feelings. Ugh

[heartwhole]

Does this happen when he's just trying to touch you in a comforting way, or is it when he's hoping to have sex?

[road]

Talking about the affair keeps the affair memory alive, trigger often, and the triggers last long.

 

 

So if all you questions about the affair have been answered then stop the affair talk.

 

 

Is your WH working on rebuilding the broken trust?

 

 

How: Is he transparent, access passwords, phone, email, text's? Has he blocked the OW from contacting him? Change his email and number? Did he work with the OW? How do you know if there is NC with the AP's?

 

 

If you stop the affair talk and he is doing the above the affair memories will fade and the triggers will happen less and less and pass as quickly as you felt them.

 

 

Recovery is a 2 to 5 year process.

[Mr. Lucky]

I am not overly fearful of him cheating again.

 

I'm somewhat surprised by this statement. Had my spouse cheated on me twice, I'd be scared to death it would happen again. And realistically this fear is a strong element in your anxiety and concern. It's difficult to be vulnerable with someone who's hurt you, even harder when they've done it multiple times.

 

You're facing one of the main challenges in recovery. It's not just the past that has the potential to hurt you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[TrustedthenBusted]

I hate to say it, but it just takes time. Eventually it will have happened so far in the past that it will get about as much attention in your mind as other terrible things that happened a long time ago.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I'm somewhat surprised by this statement. Had my spouse cheated on me twice, I'd be scared to death it would happen again. And realistically this fear is a strong element in your anxiety and concern. It's difficult to be vulnerable with someone who's hurt you, even harder when they've done it multiple times.

 

You're facing one of the main challenges in recovery. It's not just the past that has the potential to hurt you...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

My thoughts exactly!

 

I think you're in deep denial about how much that worry is really affecting you.

[Svolk]

My thoughts exactly!

 

I think you're in deep denial about how much that worry is really affecting you.

 

No. There is some worry of course. But not a ton. Its morw getting past what already has happened for me

[Svolk]

Talking about the affair keeps the affair memory alive, trigger often, and the triggers last long.

 

 

So if all you questions about the affair have been answered then stop the affair talk.

 

 

Is your WH working on rebuilding the broken trust?

 

 

How: Is he transparent, access passwords, phone, email, text's? Has he blocked the OW from contacting him? Change his email and number? Did he work with the OW? How do you know if there is NC with the AP's?

 

 

If you stop the affair talk and he is doing the above the affair memories will fade and the triggers will happen less and less and pass as quickly as you felt them.

 

 

Recovery is a 2 to 5 year process.

 

There was pretty much zero contact between them to begin with. Only the acts themselves. I have access to all accounts. There has been zero contact.

I understand what you are saying about no affair talk...but if something is really bugging me shouldnt wr discuss that?

[Svolk]

Does this happen when he's just trying to touch you in a comforting way, or is it when he's hoping to have sex?

 

Its only sexual contact

[road]

There was pretty much zero contact between them to begin with. Only the acts themselves. I have access to all accounts. There has been zero contact.

I understand what you are saying about no affair talk...but if something is really bugging me shouldnt wr discuss that?

 

 

Once you have asked all the questions and gotten all the answers there is nothing left to keep talking about the affair.

 

 

Unless your goal is to not forget and to keep triggering.

[katielee]

Most of my triggers are not from talking about it but from seeing certain reminders. The advice to not talk about the affairs makes no sense, and attempts to put the pain of the BS in a neat little box, where it can't exist and doesn't belong.

[ShatteredLady]

I know what you're going through. I have many of your feelings. I feel like I've made the HUGE mistake of not talking about it enough. Now my H says that "We're over all of that now" & says, "Who?" when I mention her name!

 

It's a fine line. If you feel like you really need to talk, to understand & have him understand your feelings, TALK! I wish I could take my own advise!

 

Only once you know everything that you need to know & you're getting what you need to heal from him then & only then can you start to put it behind you. My H cheated twice with the same OW. I believe, in my case, if I'd talked more the first time it wouldn't of happened again.

 

I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Please read the book how to help your spouse heal from your affair by linda macdonald....and your husband should absolutely read it as well. It is only 95 pages and can be downloaded free.

 

The reason I recommend this book is because it really addresses the steps toward healing...and even though you are not the one who cheated...sometimes the betrayed spouse has trouble articulating the things they are feeling.

 

I am a believer in communication. If you don't talk about your feelings....how can you understand each other?

 

You should tell your husband when you are triggering.....and he should help you deal with it. Sometimes a trigger can be the start of a really good conversation. Honey...Today so and so happened and it really made me feel bad....does that ever happen to you?

 

He should be asking you how he can help....does he do this?

[road]

Most of my triggers are not from talking about it but from seeing certain reminders. The advice to not talk about the affairs makes no sense, and attempts to put the pain of the BS in a neat little box, where it can't exist and doesn't belong.

 

 

What, where, are the reminders that you are seeing?

[merrmeade]

What, where, are the reminders that you are seeing?

It's a simple but important question. Figure out why or what provoked the triggers and then you can decide what, if anything, you can do about it and if you can or want to prevent it happening.

 

For example, I've gotten fairly adept at creating videos for family events. I volunteered to make one for my husband's mother's birthday which was celebrated two days ago. I had to go through pictures of him or us at times when I now know he was having an affair. Trigger. Plus my sister-in-law, with whom he had the affair before she met and married his brother, was to be at the event. Trigger. So the morning of the event I had a breakdown. I told him why, crying and shaking, and he insisted I didn't have to go. That was enough; I was better. I did go, and it was fine but I've been thinking about his cheating more, too.

 

Would I do the video again? Will I go through all the images again? Will I attend such an event again? Yes to all. There are other benefits.

 

As far as the triggers that sex creates, I think that it just gets easier to willfully ignore them with time. Before, they were too strong and I couldn't. It's not on a conscious level you can control.

 

But I definitely 100% agree that you have to tell him. Doesn't matter how he reacts. You won't be able to live with not telling him. It will eat you alive if you don't. And he needs to know, feel and see your pain and be accountable.

[katielee]

What, where, are the reminders that you are seeing?

 

Let's see- about 15 restaurants around this town, his place of work, both OW places of work, their names, Cadillacs, certain time periods, etc...

Much less triggery and more helpful- talking about it!!

[heartwhole]

You may be tensing up when he touches you because you aren't ready to be intimate with him. It's natural to build up walls to protect yourself after finding out that your partner disrespected you so much.

 

A way he can respect you now is to be understanding of the feelings you experience when you attempt to have sex. You can't rush it. You feel triggered when he begins signaling that he wants to have sex because it reminds of you how he did those things with other women. Maybe you feel like you need to have sex to keep him satisfied or interested. Maybe you think you should fake it till you make it. Maybe you don't like to disappoint him. But if genuinely cares about you, then he wouldn't want you to force yourself to have sex when it upsets you. He would want to help you feel better about it.

 

I am not an advocate of "stopping the affair talk." No topic should be taboo between partners who desire real intimacy. As others have mentioned, you run the risk of letting your partner believe you've moved past it when you really haven't if you stop bringing it up.

 

I've trained my WH to know that the affair is always on my mind. I hope to one day say, "Wow, you know what? I think about the affair a lot less these days. I'm so glad that we've done all this hard work to put it behind us. There will always be a scar but I feel like it's healing well." But until I say that, then he should just assume it's on my mind. Of course, I bring it up when I need to talk about it; I don't assume he'll just intuit that. But I have disavowed him of the notion that just because a few days pass without mention of it, that it's all in the past for us. It doesn't work that way.

[Svolk]

You may be tensing up when he touches you because you aren't ready to be intimate with him. It's natural to build up walls to protect yourself after finding out that your partner disrespected you so much.

 

A way he can respect you now is to be understanding of the feelings you experience when you attempt to have sex. You can't rush it. You feel triggered when he begins signaling that he wants to have sex because it reminds of you how he did those things with other women. Maybe you feel like you need to have sex to keep him satisfied or interested. Maybe you think you should fake it till you make it. Maybe you don't like to disappoint him. But if genuinely cares about you, then he wouldn't want you to force yourself to have sex when it upsets you. He would want to help you feel better about it.

 

I am not an advocate of "stopping the affair talk." No topic should be taboo between partners who desire real intimacy. As others have mentioned, you run the risk of letting your partner believe you've moved past it when you really haven't if you stop bringing it up.

 

I've trained my WH to know that the affair is always on my mind. I hope to one day say, "Wow, you know what? I think about the affair a lot less these days. I'm so glad that we've done all this hard work to put it behind us. There will always be a scar but I feel like it's healing well." But until I say that, then he should just assume it's on my mind. Of course, I bring it up when I need to talk about it; I don't assume he'll just intuit that. But I have disavowed him of the notion that just because a few days pass without mention of it, that it's all in the past for us. It doesn't work that way.

 

My husband is really good about reading signals

Many times he will just rub my feet etc but i do want to have sex with him

Its not even to make him happy or fake it etc. But its so conflicting. I want him to but those thoughts keep popping up. I talked with him and thought maybe making more loving type gestures would make it easier. Rather than specifically just sexual. More of touching my face etc loving things that werent done with others

[Svolk]

Most of my triggers are not from talking about it but from seeing certain reminders. The advice to not talk about the affairs makes no sense, and attempts to put the pain of the BS in a neat little box, where it can't exist and doesn't belong.

 

I agree. Im not trying to rehash the details. Its the triggers. And i dont even bring them all up. But a major one like i posted about i feel needs to be discussed. Because it has to do with us now

[understand50]

Svolk,

 

Triggers, just we don't love them? Triggers are nothing more then reminders of what happened. After 40 plus years, I still get them, but I have learned over the years not to dwell on them. Triggers are less of a problem when you know the whole, or what you want to know, story. When there is no mystery involved. They also are better, if the WS is trying their level best to make up for what they have done. SO the first part to dealing with them is to have a good, WORKING, reconciliation. Hard work on both sides, but so is marriage and life in general.

 

At some point, the WS, is not the main person to handle these things. You need, if you have decided to reconcile, to find a way to work on them yourself. Self sooth as a infant does. They have to learn to do this, and it does take them some time. This does take time for you as well.

 

I do not talk to my wife every time I am reminded she cheated, I only bring it up when it is Jermain to the conversation. It has brought on depression in her, as she has to bear what she did. At some point, a goal of healing, or at least managing, must come to the forefront. We all have bad things in our life, from all parts of our life. Learning how to cope and move on is something that you must learn, and also not use against your spouse. This is not to let them off the hook, but a realization that new experiences and fun times, can be made, but cannot it they are spoiled by the past. No one can stay in a marriage if they are reminded at all time of their past screw ups. In many ways you both need space, and time to heal.

 

Learning how to handle and overcome triggers, and it is different for each person, is part of being tough, and reliant. This is not a bad skill to learn and cultivate, as many bad things happen and need to be dealt with. If you have forgiven your husband, and if he has shown real remorse, and is committed to you and the marriage, I would look at these triggers for what they are. Bad memories of the past you are moving on from. Myself, when I trigger, I remind myself that I have forgiven her, she has been faithful for 40 plus years, and that I do love her. It passes. Sometimes, I go and do a favorite things. SEX!!!, go to the range and shoot a few tin cans, go play with my kids (now grand-kids), or read a good book. Point is, put yourself in control, and not be ruled by the past. This can take time, but it also takes work.

 

From what I read, your husband is working to help, build on this, and do not let this define you or take over your life. Live in the present and look to the future. No matter what life throws at you, this will work if you let it.

 

I wish you luck........

[katielee]

I tell my husband about 1% of my triggers. A few days ago OW1 showed up on my Facebook as a friend of a friend of a friend's picture, even though I have her blocked. I did a little growl, wondered what he saw in her and went about my day. I won't mention it to him. But I will mention other very important things. What is the point if being married if you're struggling and can't share the struggle?

[Mrs. John Adams]

Katielee.. Does he share his triggers with you?

[katielee]

He really doesn't share his triggers. He shares if he doesn't feel safe about a situation, or he questions of something isn't sitting right with him, like a weird phone number on my phone, or a guy he doesn't trust.