I don't know if I should be with her.

[v1ne]

[i'm 17, my friend (man) is also 17 and so is my crush. The other girl is 16.]

 

So, there is that. I'll try to be as brief about it as I can.

 

Not so long ago I started to go out with 3 new friends, 1 man and 2 girls. The point is, one of girls, the older one (my age) soon became my crush. I didn't do anything, because she had a boyfriend, and even though their relationship wasn't serious, I still wouldn't start it, that's just the way I am.

 

So I let it go for now (even though I was still thinking about her a lot), but I soon realized that she started to like my friend a lot more.. she started to cuddle with him, she always "picked" his shoulder, not mine if she was tired, she wanted to sit next to him, not me. And I got to admit, it was kind of devastating.

 

And now they started to go out with each other, they even started kissing, they spend most of the time only with each other, not as 4 anymore.. You know, I still didn't really get over her. She's intelligent, funny, and just cool, it's just that she doesn't feel the same way I do... and I know I should let it go, but it's just hard. I know I'm idealizing this girl and she's not perfect, but at the same time I kind of believe she is. Ugh... odd.

 

So it was kind of hard for me, even looking at these two together is not an easy task. I just don't know how to look at them and not be uncomfortable, I'm happy for their happiness but I just can't help thinking that I would prefer to be the one who's with her.

 

So there's that, and on the other side of the fence is me and another friend of our 4, the younger girl. She is.. worse. I know how that sounds, but she is less smart than the other girl, we have less topics to talk about. But one is clear, she is really into me. She often tries to sneak her expectations in the conversations, and I'm just acting like I'm blind and I don't see it, because I didn't feel this way about her and I thought, it will eventually go away.

 

Well, it doesn't, she still tries, and I have some strange thoughts... maybe it's not so bad to be with her? It would hurt less having to see my crush being with somebody else if I had someone.. she would be happy... maybe with time I would trick my mind into thinking that I feel something for her? Is that really a bad solution? I'm counting for a discussion here

 

PS. Congratulations if somebody really got so far and read all of it. I'm impressed

[preraph]

I don't think it would be fair to the girl you're not interested in to use her that way. Probably hurt her. But I mean, be sure you're not interested if you've been blind to her so far.

 

Now, you said you're not the type to infringe on a girl if she's dating. I get that if they're serious or exclusive, but was that just because you were afraid of rejection, really? You wanted a totally clear path before taking the chance? When people are young and don't have a commitment, it's okay to ask. And they may accept or refuse. Generally the fact she was hanging out with you guys meant she wasn't in a committed relationship.

 

I don't really think that's why you didn't get the girl, though, being late to act. I think she simply chose him. Girls know who they like right away (simple attraction and it's not usually something you can predict or control - one girl thinks you're more attractive; one thinks he is).

 

If your crush is painful, as they usually are, remind yourself that no, she's not perfect for you because she didn't pick you and that she's multi-dating, when you've said you're not that way. So two strikes.

 

If you're still uncomfortable, just don't hang out with them very often. Good luck.

[v1ne]

I like these two, and I'd just want to learn how to get over it and enjoy just hanging out with them. I should simply be happy for them... but these primal feelings like jealousy just keep me a bit frustrated. You know, in these kind of situations you just tend to ask yourself these dumb questions, like "What I don't have, that he has?" or "Why is he better than me?" and even though I know that's nonsense, I just keep on doing it. I know there is no answer but I'm still looking for it.

 

And, my thoughts are cruel, I shouldn't make her my toy to just make me feel better.. but it's not the first time somebody has been chosen instead of me. And it hurts, and it's hard to get through. Someone like that is helpful in these situations.

 

The problem is that the only alternative I can think of is to leave all of them, and change my surroundings. Because if I won't have anyone to "ease the pain" I don't really see like I can get over these two on my own.. and just enjoy their presence like before. And I really would like to avoid it, these 3 people are the ones that pretty much pulled me away from social anxiety and were my trigger to fixing myself... so I care about them and I wouldn't like to lose them.

[preraph]

You can't let someone's preferences make you feel bad about yourself. Whether a girl likes you can literally depend on nonsensical random stuff. For instance, some girl might pass you by for someone who is really half as good looking as you because he reminds her of her uncle who used to tease her and tell her she was pretty when she was 7. A girl could only like brunette guys and not like blond guys. A girl could prefer one guy over the other because they remind her of some idol of theirs vaguely, or have the same first name. Some girls only like athletes; some girls can't stand athletes. Some girls only like an artistic or creative guy or a musician. Others are completely turned off by that. Some girl might not be attracted to a guy because he reminds her of her dad. A girl might not like a boisterous guy, while other girls only like boisterous guys. Some girls like jokey guys, while other girls are totally annoyed by jokesters.

 

 

It's just not about you. If it keeps happening to you consistently, then you do need to examine if you are trying to date "out of your league," or girls who are so attractive every other guy is after them too, because that's setting yourself up for failure. Doesn't really sound like the case here, though.

 

And you have to remember that you have this fictional ideal girl in your head that you're looking for. You see someone and you think she's going to be it. The truth is, that girl doesn't exist. So you get all hung up on a girl thinking this is the one, why doesn't she understand how good we'd be together, and that's only because you've projected this ideal girl in your head onto her, assuming she's it. She's not. In this case, she's a girl dating another guy who now is also interested not in your but your friend. She's not the other half to your puzzle. She's just a piece or two of it.

 

Distract yourself. Be social. Don't be focused on her when she's around or you'll miss the girl who's looking your way or trying to get your attention. That's who really is interested in you.