Dating with an end in mind

[LookAtThisPOst]

I know quite a few 30 or 40 something singles that will not get married or get married...again.

 

And that though relationships/companionships are nice, they tend to have an expiration date on average of about 3 to 5 years.

 

I've personally known nicely matched couples where one just chose to walk...no real reason than to say that it was time to move on.

 

No one cheated, no abuse...nothin really bad really triggered anything....they just were bored or they simply didn't want to be exclusively to that person no longer.

 

Of course, the dumpee would be crushed, but otherwise it can be amicable.

 

That being said, have you accepted that your relationships will end after about 3 to 5 years and think to yourself, "Well, that's a good run" or in past tense, "Meh, I have nothing to complain about, that was good run." Even if you were the dumpee?

 

If you want to go even LONGER than that, a wife of 30 years just up and left her husband. The friend that knows him couldn't told me there was honestly no good reason she left as he was a good guy. (He knew him personally, so he was a character witness). She simply just "didn't want to be" there anymore.

[The_Dork_Lard]

Yep, I'm 37, never married, had 6 or 7 relationships since my mid-teens, and I can vouch for this. Apart from a few that lasted months, most lasted 3 - 6 years.

 

Although most didn't leave because they simply got bored, there were a multitude of reasons. Half of them ended it because I wouldn't get married. I find it more curious how marital status matters to some people MORE than their partner's personality, character, and attributes.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Yep, I'm 37, never married, had 6 or 7 relationships since my mid-teens, and I can vouch for this. Apart from a few that lasted months, most lasted 3 - 6 years.

 

Although most didn't leave because they simply got bored, there were a multitude of reasons. Half of them ended it because I wouldn't get married. I find it more curious how marital status matters to some people MORE than their partner's personality, character, and attributes.

 

Now...were they marriage-minded when you started dating them, or was it like they were okay with JUST a relationship, but then like couple of years into it, switched gears and tried talking marriage with you?

 

There's this one woman I know...her logic was that she was married for 11 years, from age 20 to 31, divorced after that...she's 40 now and has an adult daughter (18/19)...her daughter is a successful fashion designer.

 

Her attitude was like "I did the marriage thing, that was a good, long...11 years (double digits)...that's pretty much the best I can do relationship-wise (or marriage-wise).

 

She's well off herself financially, very successful career...also doesn't want to intermingle her finances with someone with lesser income (yes, she's that well off...she works for Chanel in NYC).

 

Now, don't get her wrong, she's not an over-empowered, "I'm a woman, hear me roar! type at all!. She is of that mindset currently as a middle-aged 40-something single.

She loves being single, because of the reasons, but she also loves companionship once in a while...not talking one-night stands, but she'd eventually get a long term boyfriend (define long term)...well, a few years with a gentleman and then it eventually deteriorates for whatever reason.

 

She says people DO change in a relationship...so basically whatever common intersts or beliefs brought you together say, 10 years ago, may change later one...causing a divide in the marriage/relationship.

 

To quote Agent Smith, "It IS inevitable!!"

 

Now, I know we have romantics that say, "Say it aint so!!"...believe you me, I'm a romantic, too...and I'd love to have a "death do us part" situation.

 

I do have married friends that surprisingly are together 20 years later and still "googley-eyed" over each other.

[Miss Peach]

I know quite a few people who believe relationships aren't meant to last more than x number of years. Most of the people I've seen do this are not emotionally available though and keep a lot of walls up.

 

The romantic part of me wants to believe in a life partner. The realist in me knows this is very difficult to accomplish.

[Larryville]

Good question thread…

 

I know quite a few people who believe relationships aren't meant to last more than x number of years. Most of the people I've seen do this are not emotionally available though and keep a lot of walls up.

The romantic part of me wants to believe in a life partner. The realist in me knows this is very difficult to accomplish.

 

Have said before, after my last divorce being on OLD I have “liked” many of the women I have been with but not once did I meet someone and thought “wow I think I could be with her long term…”

 

I’m 52 and while I am hopeful, I honestly doubt I’m going to be with someone… for years let’s say.

I may be wrong but I don’t think people are wired that way any longer. Everyone has this disposable turnover mentality now when it comes to relationships.

[alphamale]

That being said, have you accepted that your relationships will end after about 3 to 5 years and think to yourself, "Well, that's a good run" or in past tense,

i end my "relationships" in 3 to 5 months…that way i can sample as many women as possible

[road]

Yep, I'm 37, never married, had 6 or 7 relationships since my mid-teens, and I can vouch for this. Apart from a few that lasted months, most lasted 3 - 6 years.

 

Although most didn't leave because they simply got bored, there were a multitude of reasons. Half of them ended it because I wouldn't get married. I find it more curious how marital status matters to some people MORE than their partner's personality, character, and attributes.

 

 

How do you expect a woman to commit and have children when the man won't commit.

[joseb]

i end my "relationships" in 3 to 5 months…that way i can sample as many women as possible

 

Have you given up on the whole marriage thing then?

 

At what point do you decide to pull the plug?

[neowulf]

As I get older, I've made a promise to myself not to say in any relationship more than 3-6 months if I honestly can't see the potential for marriage.

 

When I was younger, I was willing to wait it out and see how things developed.

 

Now? Yeah, you don't need that much time to figure out if you want to spend your life with this person.

 

Some relationships really are "for now".

 

The trick is learning to take the lessons, the experiences and joy onboard, while leaving any bitterness behind.

 

People can learn so much from each other and about themselves in relationships if they try.

[Rejected Rosebud]

I believe that most people who break up after 3 - 5 years, or 30 years, probably weren't dating "with an end in mind." Things probably evolved to a point where the relationship was no longer working and it had to end.

 

I agree with the poster who said that emotionally unavailable people may plan an end to a relationship in advance, but I bet it's rare. They probably just reach the end of their ability to have intimacy and move on - often probably with the help of their relationship partner pushing for more intimacy, which they can't give.

 

We don't always get in a relationship with the plan to end up married, sometimes they can be a lot more amorphous and open-ended than that.

[Gaeta]

Relationships go through phases all the time, not only dating. Marriages go through phases at 1 year, 3 years, 6 years, and so on for all of its existence. The length of the relationship is the result of how much efforts the 2 people are willing to work through those phases. Once on the other side of those phases the relationship is renewed and it feels like a new beginning.

 

Those that have a pattern of quitting on their relationship after 3 years, 7 years, etc, (for no apparent reasons) are only unable to see past it, or are unaware that how they feel (bored) is normal and it will change past that phase.

 

I know a man that who's in his 4th marriage. The 3 previous ones lasted 10 years. At 10 year mark he moves on. It's interesting when you learn that his parents divorced on their 10th anniversary.

 

Those of you who have this pattern I invite you to look deeper into it.

[xxoo]

 

If you want to go even LONGER than that, a wife of 30 years just up and left her husband. The friend that knows him couldn't told me there was honestly no good reason she left as he was a good guy. (He knew him personally, so he was a character witness). She simply just "didn't want to be" there anymore.

 

I think sex is a really big reason that some long term marriages die. If the desire for sex has grown one-sided, what other alternative is there? Either one person is stuck in a sexless marriage, or one person is having sex they don't want.

 

A friend and character witness doesn't know what is happening behind bedroom doors, nor is it typically something openly aired. It's a MYOB matter.

 

Anyone married for 30 years definitely took it seriously! THat's doesn't mean staying for another 30 years when you want out.

[Cinnamonstix]

Not sure if this is entirely applicable or not, but I saw a video in which someone interviewed random married people (newlyweds I think), asking them how certain they are that would be with their partner forever. An astounding percentage did not seem to believe that their relationship would last as long as the vows they made, and some even thought they probably wouldn't be with their spouses for the rest of their lives.

 

This may seem obvious, but it just goes to show you that even among people who legally commit themselves to another person for the rest of their lives, there remains a lot of uncertainty about whether or not that relationship will last, and some even think it will likely end. Not sure why anyone would get married without that much faith in their relationship!