UnicornOfWut Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 I am at my wit's end here. So my boyfriend and I have lived together for 8 months and he is showing no sign of getting a job. He has his degree, recently graduated, but won't find work because he wants a dream job without working for it and won't settle for less. It's getting ridiculous. I have a "dream job" but because I busted my ass for years to get there. I'm a little older than him so I've had time to work on my career and get where I am now. I'm so frustrated at this point. He wanted to move in with me and before I agreed to it I asked if he would get a job. He said yes and was very convincing about it. Sure enough we moved in together. One month goes by, no applications, interviews, or calls. I don't stress because I wanted to give him time to adjust. After four months went by I started worrying and told him politely that I need him to help contribute, because right now I'm supporting myself and him 100%. Rent, utilities, food, entertainment, everything. He said he would find something within ten days. He never submitted a single job application and we're at 8 months now. My attraction to him is completely dead because I feel like his mom. He spends all day every day playing video games. That's it. I feel so terrible because in every other way he is my dream guy. Sensitive, loving, affectionate... everything. But him not working has built up so much resentment in me. I'm so scared to talk to him about it because I don't want to hurt his feelings, but at this point I feel severely taken advantage of. We just had a conversation and I let out a lot of my built up frustration. Told him he should be ashamed and that I feel used and taken advantage of and it's not right. He just walked out the door and didn't say anything. Clearly he's upset, but what am I supposed to do??? Advice is very much appreciated.
elaine567 Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 (edited) As he is obviously quite willing to sponge off you indefinitely, then you need to show him the door. He has gone back on his promise he is doing NOTHING to get himself a job and will be still playing video games, 5 years later down the line if you let him. He is not relationship material and you are wasting your time here. Edited March 14, 2016 by elaine567 Removal of quote 9
Lady2163 Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 As much as I hate to say it, once you enter "mommy mode" with a significant other, it is hard to break out of that mindset. When my exH left the military he received a severance and was entitled to six months unemployment. Biggest mistake we ever made. After six months he had gained 80 pounds and was perfectly content to sit and watch TV. After 8 months, the severance check was gone. He complained non stop about every job he ever had the entire time we were married. When he was in the military, we were often separated so I didn't have to hear it every day. My life and my day didn't matter. We had a lot of problems. I did tell him once, "I'm more like a parent than a wife. Mommy has a tough time having sex with her son." As long as you allow the behavior, he has no reason to change. So what if you have a meltdown every few months, it is just words. You need to take action. Making him fill out applications or driving him to an interview, getting clothes ready for an interview just continue mommy mode. Your only logical action is to give him a deadline. Get a job or get out. 2
SoleMate Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 Seriously, I wouldn't bother making him fill out applications, or drive him to interviews. The only thing I'd make him do is pack his bags and leave. 5
road Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 Seriously, I wouldn't bother making him fill out applications, or drive him to interviews. The only thing I'd make him do is pack his bags and leave. Arrange to have him out of the house for a day. Have the locks changed. While the locks are being done put all his stuff put into leaf bags and delivered to his parents house. 1
central Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 Kick him out, or leave - depending on who has the lease, etc. At the very least, do nothing for him - no cooking, no laundry, no sex, no affection, only necessary communication. Pay for nothing for him. At the very least, he should do all cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc., until one of you moves out. If he won't move out or you can't due to a lease, then do not renew the lease unless he's gone - get a new place at that time without him. 2
veggirl Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 Don't feel bad. A man who acts like a child is 100% unattractive. I would tell him that he has the rest of the month to make some head-way or he's out. How long did you guys date before allowing him to move in? Sit him down and be honest about how you are checking out of the relationship. Why would you feel bad about talking to him about this? He doesn't feel bad mooching off of you.
Mr. Lucky Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 He said he would find something within ten days. He never submitted a single job application and we're at 8 months now. This really isn't his problem - it's yours. You had all the info you needed after the 10-day deadline. Honestly, your thread should be titled "Live-in girlfriend won't kick deadbeat boyfriend out"... Mr. Lucky 4
Tahirthegreat Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 Sounds like you need to find a new boyfriend.
d0nnivain Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 I had a BF like that. I gave him 1 month to get a job & start paying rent or I said I would kick him out & break up with him. Mine got a job. If yours won't you can't make that an empty threat. By April 15, tax day, either he's employed or he's jobless and homeless.
GunslingerRoland Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 I'm sorry but a man (or a woman for that matter) with the nerve to be unemployed, ask their significant other to move in together, make them pay all of the bills, and then take months where they are not even looking for a job is probably unfixable. 7
TheArtist Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 Tell him your money has run out and you'll need to take on a hot male lodger to cover the rent. Unless he can think of a way of helping out, obviously. 4
Redhead14 Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 I am at my wit's end here. So my boyfriend and I have lived together for 8 months and he is showing no sign of getting a job. He has his degree, recently graduated, but won't find work because he wants a dream job without working for it and won't settle for less. It's getting ridiculous. I have a "dream job" but because I busted my ass for years to get there. I'm a little older than him so I've had time to work on my career and get where I am now. I'm so frustrated at this point. He wanted to move in with me and before I agreed to it I asked if he would get a job. He said yes and was very convincing about it. Sure enough we moved in together. One month goes by, no applications, interviews, or calls. I don't stress because I wanted to give him time to adjust. After four months went by I started worrying and told him politely that I need him to help contribute, because right now I'm supporting myself and him 100%. Rent, utilities, food, entertainment, everything. He said he would find something within ten days. He never submitted a single job application and we're at 8 months now. My attraction to him is completely dead because I feel like his mom. He spends all day every day playing video games. That's it. I feel so terrible because in every other way he is my dream guy. Sensitive, loving, affectionate... everything. But him not working has built up so much resentment in me. I'm so scared to talk to him about it because I don't want to hurt his feelings, but at this point I feel severely taken advantage of. We just had a conversation and I let out a lot of my built up frustration. Told him he should be ashamed and that I feel used and taken advantage of and it's not right. He just walked out the door and didn't say anything. Clearly he's upset, but what am I supposed to do??? Advice is very much appreciated. Don't do anything. If he contacts you, tell him to find a new place to live and get a life. He's freeloader plain and simple. Draw a line for yourself or he will continue to take advantage of you. Actually, no one takes advantage of someone, that person allows themself to be taken advantage of.
preraph Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 Kick him out. I don't know why you'd want to take any half-measures. A guy who lies and moves in and doesn't keep up his end of the bargain and thinks he's too good to take a mediocre job isn't going to be a good man to spend your life with. 1
angel.eyes Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 Why would he leave or get a job when he's being fed, burped, and coddled rent-free? Change the locks and be done with it. I don't understand how you can describe him as your dream guy! He's not a dream guy. He's a freeloader who found an easy mark and is taking full advantage of the goldmine. 10
NYC-BigKat Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 I am at my wit's end here. So my boyfriend and I have lived together for 8 months and he is showing no sign of getting a job. He has his degree, recently graduated, but won't find work because he wants a dream job without working for it and won't settle for less. It's getting ridiculous. I have a "dream job" but because I busted my ass for years to get there. I'm a little older than him so I've had time to work on my career and get where I am now. I'm so frustrated at this point. He wanted to move in with me and before I agreed to it I asked if he would get a job. He said yes and was very convincing about it. Sure enough we moved in together. One month goes by, no applications, interviews, or calls. I don't stress because I wanted to give him time to adjust. After four months went by I started worrying and told him politely that I need him to help contribute, because right now I'm supporting myself and him 100%. Rent, utilities, food, entertainment, everything. He said he would find something within ten days. He never submitted a single job application and we're at 8 months now. My attraction to him is completely dead because I feel like his mom. He spends all day every day playing video games. That's it. I feel so terrible because in every other way he is my dream guy. Sensitive, loving, affectionate... everything. But him not working has built up so much resentment in me. I'm so scared to talk to him about it because I don't want to hurt his feelings, but at this point I feel severely taken advantage of. We just had a conversation and I let out a lot of my built up frustration. Told him he should be ashamed and that I feel used and taken advantage of and it's not right. He just walked out the door and didn't say anything. Clearly he's upset, but what am I supposed to do??? Advice is very much appreciated. Tell him to pack up & go. Why keep a lazy guy around the house a lot if he's not gonna work & help with the bills? Cant u do better? 3
Tayla Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 Follow your states regulations for removing a tenant. He may well camp out as the laws vary on removing a resident. Be they on the lease or not, he has some residency rights. I'm sorry to hear of this, how is his relationship with family? Perhaps call one of his relatives to have him leave without incident. 1
Imajerk17 Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 (edited) Let's see here: we're not just talking about 8 months without FINDING a job, we are talking about 8 months without even APPLYING for a job. As in this guy gets up in the morning, and while you're at work, he takes up your utilities, eats your food, takes up residence in your living room, without feeling a strong enough pang of guilt to do something to remedy this situation. What a lack of integrity on his part. And what a lack of backbone on YOUR part. So, what is so great about him again? You deserve as much blame as he does for enabling him like this. You should kick him out, immediately, and then meanwhile, go to therapy to try to fix your picker (it's broken). Edited March 14, 2016 by Imajerk17 5
whichwayisup Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 He isn't even looking! He's waiting for the dream job just to fall into his lap. He sounds either lazy and doesn't hold himself to high standard when it comes to work ethic or he feels above it all and doesn't want to work unless he can make good money. I think he's the latter, if he truly wanted to make a difference the least he would do is volunteer somewhere while job searching, clean the house, cook dinner etc, instead of playing video games all day and doing nothing. Time for him to grow up and take responsibility. You can't go on paying the bills while he plays all day. 1
LydiaLong Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 He already found his dream job. Living off of YOU. Give him one week to move out. If you need to get a sheriff involved, do so. 4
Standard-Fare Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 Everyone's already given you the harsh version: Your BF's being a loser, and it's high time to kick this mooch to the curb. If you want to take the more "sensitive" angle, let's consider that your BF is very likely depressed, and also feels a large degree of shame over what's happening here. He has zero sense of dignity and self-worth, and anything you tell him is just rubbing salt into the wounds deep inside of him. Even so, I'd argue that your BF has reached the tolerable limits of this behavior. Continuing to accept this is giving him permission to remain indefinitely in this go-nowhere depressive state instead of actively seeking improvement. That's a miserable situation for BOTH of you. He actually NEEDS to get some distance from the relationship and lose the crutch you're providing him in order to make some changes. You can only hope that he'll eventually see the light of day and make amends. 2
sandylee1 Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 Dump him. You should never have let him move in with you... isn't 8 months too early for that. Where was he living before? Anyway he's nothing but a parasite.. tell him to move out quick sharp. I dated an unemployed man once and would never do it again.. All be it I'm married now..you know what I mean. In the words of the late Gwen Guthrie .... you gotta have a J O B if you wanna be with me. It's so unattractive. Now I don't mean a guy whose a student .. but simply unemployed and making no moves to get a job. ... would make him not the one for me. 1
dreamingoftigers Posted March 21, 2016 Posted March 21, 2016 When my husband was a literal, homeless Bum he wasn't this lazy or inconsiderate. I am not kidding. Even at that point in his life he understood that people in regular digs pay bills and contribute. If he stayed at a place, he panhandjed and brought groceries / smokes / alcohol / money for wherever he was staying. If he could be a halfway functioning Bum for the sake of friends or acquaintances, your boyfriend has no excuse.
Toodaloo Posted March 21, 2016 Posted March 21, 2016 I dated a guy like this. Wonderful guy but oh my God lazy... It didn't last 8 months. It couldn't. We are still great friends oh and a decade on and he still hasn't got a job but he loads of armour and crap on World of Warcraft... He has also gone through several hundreds of thousands of pounds worth of inheritance, sold a business he was left and could have worked at to earn a living... Get rid. He isn't going to change. He may be everything else but if he is lazy there is no point.
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