Scared I'll always feels this way

[james2014]

I have just over 5 months of NC under my belt. This is the longest period of NC. Just over 18 years and now nothing.. I feel empty, alone, angry, sad, everything bar happiness.

 

Two days ago we saw each other on opposite sides of the street. I had to look twice to make sure it was her, she looks terrible, her substance addiction has taken its toll. A few weeks after her departure she left numerous voicemail messages, on my OLD number, I changed it after she left. She knew that I had changed it but she is so out of it she forgot.

 

Seeing her did mess my head up (more than it is already!) but I didn't go running to her or attempt to communicate! But I feel no reward or positives for it.

 

These past 5 months have been hellish. Nearly admitted to hospital for the 11tth time, relapsed with my drugs of choice and have become a ghost. We split many many years ago for a few years and as I was then, I feel the same now. Just empty and soulless. A suggestion of finding a new GF/partner was made, the very thought of a relationship makes me feel cold and tired. The only positive thought I can muster is it is nice to not have to suffer her drama and troubles that drug addiction brings. Its nice waking up and not worrying if anything has wandered off. I still love her and always will. But now Ive had time to think I honestly don't think I could take her back. Pulling my head out my ass and realising a few truths about her behaviours make me very reluctant.

 

One thing anyone in a relationship with a love avoidant should accept sooner rather than later is they NEVER change. NEVER. You either compromise yourself to death and live with it (like I did for too long) or realise there is more to life.

 

In my experience, love addiction rivals heroin addiction as the most painful.. (sorry for warbling! getting it out, even typing is very helpful)

 

Peace to all

[Bee4Shine]

I hope you can get your life together and move on. It sounds like you were not good for each other and only enabled behavior in each other that was destructive. Please put the drugs aside, don't go back there. Move on with your life and find purpose and meaning.