catchthedrift Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 So, my boyfriend and me have been doing pretty well, considering we only been dating each other for a few months, but really getting to know each other well and spending much time together. We have so much in common and are really in love. But... he is super fit and I am rather average when it comes to body size... I am not really what one would consider fat, but I am also not super skinny. I have a very feminine, classic statue, big boobs, big butt, small waist. I am 5'5" weighing 120 Ibs. My boyfriend and me have a great sex life, however, sometimes when he goes to work out he tells me to also go with him, he is really valuing to be fit and to have a healthy lifestyle. I, for myself, don't really gain weight easily, and never was into sports, at no time of my life, so I don't like working out or eating healthy. And I like eating candy. Often I feel as if he is subtly insinuating that he wishes for me to work out more and get more fit. Sometimes he is even less subtle about it. Recently, this has put me in a depressed state, as I never have been in a relationship before where I felt pressured to lose weight. But 12 years ago I was with a guy who cheated on me with a model type, after which I became anorexic and lost a lot of weight - I went from originally 130 Ibs to 92 Ibs. It was a horrible time of my life. I eventually managed to get my weight back, never went back to 130, but always sort of stayed in the range of 110-120 Ibs. In the past years and throughout my late 20s I have become more happy with my body, more secure with the way I look. But since I have been with my boyfriend, this insecurity of body image has returned -- 12 years later. It is odd, because he always tells me also how sexy I am and how attracted he is to me, but whenever he makes those comments about "You should work out" or "You should stop eating this stuff" then I feel really insecure. Today we had a conversation where I felt, again, he was pressuring me into going for runs. I told him that this made me feel very insecure about myself - his response was only: "I just like f*****g a tight booty, it turns me on more" This really hurt me and for over an hour we had a huge fight over it. He said he didnt mean it, he said he loves my body and I am the hottest woman alive for him and he loves me so dearly, but for some reason I could not shake it off, that comment, it seemed to me as if my booty is not 'tight' enough for him. I am scared to fall into a depression again. And I don't want to lose him, it's been going so great and this is literally the only thing about our relationship that makes me unhappy. What should I do?
basil67 Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 It sounds to me like you need to put him very firmly in his place. When he tells you "you should eat better" or "you should exercise more" tell him "and you should keep your opinions to yourself!". Honestly, being told I *should* do something is one of the most annoying things in the world. For what it's worth, I like having a soft, girly body and my hubby likes firm, athletic type. But I don't let it make me insecure because *I* like my body the way it is. And while it's not hubby's favourite body type, he still finds me sexy. If you can love yourself for who you are, you will get the confidence to tell him to back off. The only caveat for this ^ is that you can't complain if you are feeling fat
266696687 Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 So, my boyfriend and me have been doing pretty well, considering we only been dating each other for a few months, but really getting to know each other well and spending much time together. We have so much in common and are really in love. But... he is super fit and I am rather average when it comes to body size... I am not really what one would consider fat, but I am also not super skinny. I have a very feminine, classic statue, big boobs, big butt, small waist. I am 5'5" weighing 120 Ibs. My boyfriend and me have a great sex life, however, sometimes when he goes to work out he tells me to also go with him, he is really valuing to be fit and to have a healthy lifestyle. I, for myself, don't really gain weight easily, and never was into sports, at no time of my life, so I don't like working out or eating healthy. And I like eating candy. Often I feel as if he is subtly insinuating that he wishes for me to work out more and get more fit. Sometimes he is even less subtle about it. Recently, this has put me in a depressed state, as I never have been in a relationship before where I felt pressured to lose weight. But 12 years ago I was with a guy who cheated on me with a model type, after which I became anorexic and lost a lot of weight - I went from originally 130 Ibs to 92 Ibs. It was a horrible time of my life. I eventually managed to get my weight back, never went back to 130, but always sort of stayed in the range of 110-120 Ibs. In the past years and throughout my late 20s I have become more happy with my body, more secure with the way I look. But since I have been with my boyfriend, this insecurity of body image has returned -- 12 years later. It is odd, because he always tells me also how sexy I am and how attracted he is to me, but whenever he makes those comments about "You should work out" or "You should stop eating this stuff" then I feel really insecure. Today we had a conversation where I felt, again, he was pressuring me into going for runs. I told him that this made me feel very insecure about myself - his response was only: "I just like f*****g a tight booty, it turns me on more" This really hurt me and for over an hour we had a huge fight over it. He said he didnt mean it, he said he loves my body and I am the hottest woman alive for him and he loves me so dearly, but for some reason I could not shake it off, that comment, it seemed to me as if my booty is not 'tight' enough for him. I am scared to fall into a depression again. And I don't want to lose him, it's been going so great and this is literally the only thing about our relationship that makes me unhappy. What should I do? I'm sorry to say but this guy is damaging your self esteem. Do not let him and his comments take away all the hard work and effort you put in to becoming comfortable and happy with your body. Do not let this guy set you back! He is disrespectful and thoughtless. I assume he knows about your history? If he does it makes it even worse. You should end this relationship. A man is supposed to make you feel good, happy and confident with who you are. As you've said you are no where near overweight and his only motivation to change you is "I just like ******g a tight booty" is beyond disgusting! He has no respect for you. The way he is treating you isn't making you happy, confident or feeling loved. Therefore it's not working how it should. Don't allow him to do this to you. Walk away and find someone who knows how to treat you. Get out now before he damages your self esteem even further. He is not good for you. 4
angel.eyes Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 The one thing you don't need in your life is someone who will trigger you to become anorexic again. If it weren't for your history, I would pass it off as well-intentioned thoughtlessness and suggest you brush it off. But given your history, and how common relapse is, really give this some thought. Is he a healthy choice for you? We can love someone, but they may not be right for us. 1
266696687 Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 (edited) The one thing you don't need in your life is someone who will trigger you to become anorexic again. If it weren't for your history, I would pass it off as well-intentioned thoughtlessness and suggest you brush it off. But given your history, and how common relapse is, really give this some thought. Is he a healthy choice for you? We can love someone, but they may not be right for us. I don't think his comment was well intentioned. He told her he liked ******g a tight booty because it turns him on more. I can't see any good intentions in that statement. He is implying she doesn't have a tight booty but if she did it would turn him on more. He is trying to motivate her to change her body for HIM. He is tearing her down rather than building her up and that's never well intentioned. I certainly wouldn't tolerate / brush off these types of comments. He is commenting on her food choices, telling her she should work out ect. She is feeling pressured to lose weight and change her body for him. Regardless of her history no one should put up with this behaviour. They've only been dating a few months and I doubt his comments are coming from a place of love and concern for her health. She should cut him loose. She's already getting into a depressed state because of it. Edited March 14, 2016 by 266696687 4
neowulf Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 Sounds like classic gas lighting to me. He's basically trying to manipulate her into being the "version" of her he wants for himself. He doesn't seem particularly interested in her what's actually good for HER. Seriously OP, be very wary of people who have narcissistic tendencies. Consider, if he's bitching about this now, how's he gong to react when you gain 20kg while pregnant. People's bodies grow and change. If he's complaining now, don't expect him to suddenly improve in the future. He sounds shallow. 1
katiegrl Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 (edited) When he told you "I just like f***ing a tight booty, it turns me on more, " your response should have been "fine, then go f*** yourself!" Seriously, this type of shyt from men pisses me off to no end. Negative body image issues are like the no. 1 reason women develop serious eating disorders that, in many cases, can kill them! And depression, anxierty ...and other mental disorders. It's a huge epidemic, at least here in the U.S. OP, 5'5", 120 pounds is perfect, like jen said! That is my weight and height too... and unlike you I try very hard to maintain that weight. Running, yoga, pilates. The men I have dated have all thought it was perfect too. Your guy sounds like a first class a-hat, seriously! I think you should next him, for your own mental health, but perhaps first you could try talking to him and telling him you are who you are, and would appreciate him keeping his not so subtle negative insinuations about your body to himself! Be strong ....and stay strong! See how that goes ... Good luck hun .. Edited March 14, 2016 by katiegrl 2
Author catchthedrift Posted March 14, 2016 Author Posted March 14, 2016 Well we have argued about this all night. He says I am the hottest women he knows and that he didn't mean it the way it came across. He says he thinks I would be 'happier' if I'd exercise more. He says he loves me and that he wouldn't mind if I'd gained some weight. I am not sure what is true now. I am really confused. I love him a lot and we don't have any problems otherwise. I am arguing with him on the phone right now about it. It drives me mad. He says if I were to be pregnant he'd be actually turned on because I'd be 'fathering his child'. Mh. He thinks I am blowing things out of proportion.
katiegrl Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 (edited) Well we have argued about this all night. He says I am the hottest women he knows and that he didn't mean it the way it came across. He says he thinks I would be 'happier' if I'd exercise more. He says he loves me and that he wouldn't mind if I'd gained some weight. I am not sure what is true now. I am really confused. I love him a lot and we don't have any problems otherwise. I am arguing with him on the phone right now about it. It drives me mad. He says if I were to be pregnant he'd be actually turned on because I'd be 'fathering his child'. Mh. He thinks I am blowing things out of proportion. Did you ask him, no tell him to stop making such negative comments and insinuations? That they are unnecessary and uncalled for, and you don't appreciate it? That you are who you are, and that YOU are very happy with your weight and yourself in general? If not, stop arguing about it, and please just tell him this ....so he knows! Edited March 14, 2016 by katiegrl 1
kpl Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 First off I will say that the comment about the tight booty was not OK. It may have been one off but it was a really thoughtless comment, that isn't right in any context. The wanting you to workout more alone isn't that bad. Being healthy isn't about being thin (although he may have seen it like that). I would not have assumed b/c someone suggested we workout more it mean they thought I was huge. He should have been more sensitive to you, knowing your history. 1
Author catchthedrift Posted March 14, 2016 Author Posted March 14, 2016 Did you ask him, no tell him to stop making such negative comments and insinuations? That they are unnecessary and uncalled for, and you don't appreciate it? That you are who you are, and that YOU are very happy with your weight and yourself in general? If not, stop arguing about it, and please just tell him this ....so he knows! Of course I told him that his comment has hurt me. He explained that what he said did not insinuate that I am fat, but that I am indeed 'tight' and he loves me the way I am. It didnt come across this way though and I was very hurt. He tried to reassure me for 3 hours straight. I still feel insecure over his comments about working out, though. He knows this. He keeps persisting that it would be good for me, though. I think he means for over all health (he is a health nut). Some of your comments made me think though if he is indeed a good partner, if in the end his action triggers a part of me that i buried 12 years ago. It makes me wonder... 1
katiegrl Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 (edited) Did you ask him, no tell him to stop making such negative comments and insinuations? That they are unnecessary and uncalled for, and you don't appreciate it? That you are who you are, and that YOU are very happy with your weight and yourself in general? If not, stop arguing about it, and please just tell him this ....so he knows! My personal prayer for you OP... is that someday you become strong and secure enough within yourself, that when a man makes these types of comments and insinuations (which they were despite him denying it now)...such comments don't negatively affect you to the point you are arguing about it, and seeking reassurance from him for three hours. But rather, when he says such things ...you remain strong, don't argue, and simply tell him, very assertively and succinctly, to knock it off... that his comments and insinuations are NOT appreciated. Period, the end, discussion over! Best of luck moving forward ...with him or without him.. hugs Edited March 14, 2016 by katiegrl 1
No_Go Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 I think it is insane to have 3 h conversation over your butt Is that the main thing that you're proud of? Or attraction to him? I'd be worried about that more than the actual comment. You know you're slim (BMI = 20). The rest is BS. I've heard this from ex-bfs (I'm a little taller and heavier than you, but about the same BMI), and it was never a thing. If I get pissed I'll tell them their d*ck is small or some other reciprocal nonsense. I really don't get why women get that pride with weight... I mean in cases where it is normal (BMI < 25), who cares?? And if it is higher - wouldn't it be good to be reminded - it's a health issue then. Of course I told him that his comment has hurt me. He explained that what he said did not insinuate that I am fat, but that I am indeed 'tight' and he loves me the way I am. It didnt come across this way though and I was very hurt. He tried to reassure me for 3 hours straight. I still feel insecure over his comments about working out, though. He knows this. He keeps persisting that it would be good for me, though. I think he means for over all health (he is a health nut). Some of your comments made me think though if he is indeed a good partner, if in the end his action triggers a part of me that i buried 12 years ago. It makes me wonder...
zenguy Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 Honestly, I think people are a little out of line, you mentioned the worst part of your boyfriend, without mentioning all the good parts, and people are overreacting. All because your partner doesn't say things perfectly all the time, is not a reason to dump someone. It's certainly likely he'd like her to exercise, but it's also possible he's just saying stuff, and is perfectly happy with her and would be fine if she just did her own thing, and had her own mind about this issue. I'm going to air on the side that he just did a poor job expressing himself, and maybe got a little too comfortable in the relationship thinking he could say something like that. It's rare you have a relationship without some bumps in the road, what's healthy is to have a serious discussion, if he cares about you he'll listen and realize his error. 1
neowulf Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 Honestly, I think people are a little out of line, you mentioned the worst part of your boyfriend, without mentioning all the good parts, and people are overreacting. People often ignore the small stuff. A comment here, poor behaviour there. This isn't something he's just done "out of the blue". The OP stated that he's *always* bugging her about "exercising more" and "getting in shape". Everything else is him dancing around the fact that he'd prefer her to be as into exercise as he is. That's really all it comes down to. He's an exercise freak, he'd really like her to also be one. Thing is, she's not and that's ok. If he *actually* loved her, he'd get off her case about it and appreciate her for who she is, not constantly try to nag her into changing. To do so shows signs of a controlling personality. Don't ignore the small stuff. The small stuff adds up. 1
katiegrl Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 Honestly, I think people are a little out of line, you mentioned the worst part of your boyfriend, without mentioning all the good parts, and people are overreacting. All because your partner doesn't say things perfectly all the time, is not a reason to dump someone. It's certainly likely he'd like her to exercise, but it's also possible he's just saying stuff, and is perfectly happy with her and would be fine if she just did her own thing, and had her own mind about this issue. I'm going to air on the side that he just did a poor job expressing himself, and maybe got a little too comfortable in the relationship thinking he could say something like that. It's rare you have a relationship without some bumps in the road, what's healthy is to have a serious discussion, if he cares about you he'll listen and realize his error. I don't think she should dump. I think she should stand up for herself and tell him to knock off the negative insinuations.... and if they continue, to keep telling him ...and if it persists, then dump! The OP is a recovering anorexic, she doesn't need that type of shyt in her life. And if he cared about her and loved her, he'd realize that, especially after she tells him to knock it off, that his comments are not appreciated.
joseb Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 (edited) I'm not sure how to read this one. It sounds at first like he is trying to control you and force you to exercise, which would be bad, but is it possible you are overreacting to a comment and misinterpreting? I eat really well, and I exercise. And I would advise anyone to do the same, especially as they age. It makes me fell 100% better. And losing weight has virtually nothing to do with it. Healthy eating and exercise (in moderation) just make people feel better physically (and can be a great buffer against depression too) Are you sure he wasn't coming at it from this point of view? Is he aware you were anorexic? By the way, you are a perfect weight, you don't need to lose a lb!! Edited March 14, 2016 by joseb
katiegrl Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 I'm not sure how to read this one. It sounds at first like he is trying to control you and force you to exercise, which would be bad, but is it possible you are overreacting to a comment and misinterpreting? I eat really well, and I exercise. And I would advise anyone to do the same, especially as they age. It makes me fell 100% better. And losing weight has virtually nothing to do with it. Healthy eating and exercise (in moderation) just make people feel better physically. Are you sure he wasn't coming at it from this point of view? Is he aware you were anorexic? By the way, you are a perfect weight, you don't need to lose a lb!! Did you miss the part where he told her "I just like f*cking a tight booty, it turns me on more"? Do you think her being upset by that comment was over-reacting and misinterpreting? 1
266696687 Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 (edited) Honestly, I think people are a little out of line, you mentioned the worst part of your boyfriend, without mentioning all the good parts, and people are overreacting. All because your partner doesn't say things perfectly all the time, is not a reason to dump someone. It's certainly likely he'd like her to exercise, but it's also possible he's just saying stuff, and is perfectly happy with her and would be fine if she just did her own thing, and had her own mind about this issue. I'm going to air on the side that he just did a poor job expressing himself, and maybe got a little too comfortable in the relationship thinking he could say something like that. It's rare you have a relationship without some bumps in the road, what's healthy is to have a serious discussion, if he cares about you he'll listen and realize his error. The OP used to suffer from an eating disorder that her boyfriend is re-triggering with his comments about her body and exercise. He is making her feel depressed and seeking reassurance from him. This is not right. He should not be making comments or insinuations about her body or eating knowing her past. It's common sense. Even someone without her previous eating disorder would be offended by his comments. He is thoughtless and at worse completely disrespectful. He maybe sucking up now but he has continued these comments for some time enough to depress the OP. The relationship is no good for her. They have only been dating a few months. He has no right to pass comment on her body or eating as her health is not the concern. Perhaps it's a simple lifestyle difference he is a complete health nut but that is clearly not compatible with the OP's history. Edited March 14, 2016 by 266696687
joseb Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 Did you miss the part where he told her "I just like f*cking a tight booty, it turns me on more"? Do you think her being upset by that comment was over-reacting and misinterpreting? Yeah, rereading it again you might be right. Although he later explained this away and claimed she had a perfect body, if he did indeed say this as quoted it's a bit of a damning indictment. 1
266696687 Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 (edited) I'm not sure how to read this one. It sounds at first like he is trying to control you and force you to exercise, which would be bad, but is it possible you are overreacting to a comment and misinterpreting? I eat really well, and I exercise. And I would advise anyone to do the same, especially as they age. It makes me fell 100% better. And losing weight has virtually nothing to do with it. Healthy eating and exercise (in moderation) just make people feel better physically (and can be a great buffer against depression too) Are you sure he wasn't coming at it from this point of view? Is he aware you were anorexic? By the way, you are a perfect weight, you don't need to lose a lb!! No he wasn't coming at it from that point of view at all. What he said was: "I like ******g a tight booty it turns me on more" does that sound like he is coming from a place of care and love to you? This shouldn't be ignored regardless of the fact he is backtracking now. He is only backtracking because she has called him out on his behaviour. If he thought she was perfect he wouldn't have been making the comments in the first place. He is trying to motivate her to change her body for him. Edited March 14, 2016 by 266696687
elaine567 Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 Trouble here is he exposed the true reason for his "concern" regarding her health and her food intake. He as not worried about her arteries or whether she gets diabetes or heart disease or dies young, he is not concerned about her happiness either. His concern is for himself and how "he likes f**kng a tight booty as it turns him on better." He went straight to the heart of their relationship and turned the knife. NO amount of excuses or "I didn't mean it that way" can really justify that or take back what he said. He spoke the truth here, and whether she can live with that, is what the OP now has to decide 2
Maxtor Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 So, my boyfriend and me have been doing pretty well, considering we only been dating each other for a few months, but really getting to know each other well and spending much time together. We have so much in common and are really in love. But... he is super fit and I am rather average when it comes to body size... I am not really what one would consider fat, but I am also not super skinny. I have a very feminine, classic statue, big boobs, big butt, small waist. I am 5'5" weighing 120 Ibs. My boyfriend and me have a great sex life, however, sometimes when he goes to work out he tells me to also go with him, he is really valuing to be fit and to have a healthy lifestyle. I, for myself, don't really gain weight easily, and never was into sports, at no time of my life, so I don't like working out or eating healthy. And I like eating candy. Often I feel as if he is subtly insinuating that he wishes for me to work out more and get more fit. Sometimes he is even less subtle about it. Recently, this has put me in a depressed state, as I never have been in a relationship before where I felt pressured to lose weight. But 12 years ago I was with a guy who cheated on me with a model type, after which I became anorexic and lost a lot of weight - I went from originally 130 Ibs to 92 Ibs. It was a horrible time of my life. I eventually managed to get my weight back, never went back to 130, but always sort of stayed in the range of 110-120 Ibs. In the past years and throughout my late 20s I have become more happy with my body, more secure with the way I look. But since I have been with my boyfriend, this insecurity of body image has returned -- 12 years later. It is odd, because he always tells me also how sexy I am and how attracted he is to me, but whenever he makes those comments about "You should work out" or "You should stop eating this stuff" then I feel really insecure. Today we had a conversation where I felt, again, he was pressuring me into going for runs. I told him that this made me feel very insecure about myself - his response was only: "I just like f*****g a tight booty, it turns me on more" This really hurt me and for over an hour we had a huge fight over it. He said he didnt mean it, he said he loves my body and I am the hottest woman alive for him and he loves me so dearly, but for some reason I could not shake it off, that comment, it seemed to me as if my booty is not 'tight' enough for him. I am scared to fall into a depression again. And I don't want to lose him, it's been going so great and this is literally the only thing about our relationship that makes me unhappy. What should I do? Wtf 120 lbs is like 54 kilos, which is pretty normal. I am a sports guy, I am very fit. I also like fit girls, but 120lbs is pretty good, if you are not a midget.
SwordofFlame Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 I think there's a lifestyle compatibility issue here. He's a health and fitness nut, and wants you to also be a health and fitness nut.
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