smudge21 Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 Everything happens for a reason....when I gave you advice, you weren't ready to leave yet, and if you had left then ... you would have been second guessing....guaranteed! You needed to play it out till the cold bitter end....that is how we learn....which you did, big time! And you became stronger and wiser as a result! Sadly, I think OP will need to play this out till the bitter end too. Then HE will learn....and become stronger and wiser too! Apologies to OP for referring to you in the third person.... How very true. If I had have walked back then, seeing how she's gone now, I'm sure the outcome would've been the same. Maybe you're right and we always need to try right up until that moment we realise it's futile, as walking early leaves us questioning too much. It's funny but the last time I saw her, I did think that I was going to seriously back off after that... sadly it seems she got there first. I will simply never understand anyone who can just turn off like that - go from non-stop contact to nothing in a heartbeat. I get where OP is with regards this girl as I was in the exact same place (just without any other guy around, that I knew of..) and it's hard to turn your back on something when for the most part it feels great - they seem so happy, make all the contact, want to spend time with us.. BUT.. it's not just quite right and it never seems to reach that final happy destination we want.. so we keep holding on, thinking that if we walk we lose any chance so if we stay then maybe, just maybe... Relationships shouldn't be about "maybe", they should be "definitely". It's black and white; do they want to be with us or not. That's it. 1
sandylee1 Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 If a guy I was dating told me he had feelings for another girl .... I would loose whatever attraction there was instantly. I don't do shared feelings like that at all.... I mean it's good she was honest... but that disclosure would just be like a lead balloon had been dropped. I'd end the relationship before you could say "see ya later". Even if I was crying in the shower afterwards.. I'll never let a man see me that way over him. When I'm dating a guy (when I wasn't married)...he must have romantic feelings for me and ME ALONE. Put your seat belt on and prepare for a bumpy ride with heartbreak and cheating down the line. 2
angel.eyes Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 The same way that she's letting you in on some of her private communications with him, is the same exact thing she's doing with what you say to her. No, she has not chosen you!! If she had, he wouldn't still be in the picture. She shared select conversations with you to get you to hold on to hope and plant the seed that you could potentially win this horse race. Be assured that you won't win. Again, if you were going to be the choice, there wouldn't be another man involved. 3
insert_name Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 Been there, seen it and done it (and lost) with a girl with a similar MO. When she introduces another guy (no matter how she refers to him or whether she spends more time with you) you have to take a step back and introduce another girl. I don't see her face timing him in front of you as positive at all- she is playing you off against each other and making it clear that you have competition. A girl who wants exclusivity with you would not be playing such games. So you need to respond in kind and let her know that she has competition too, because it sounds like you haven't given her any concept of what it would be like to be without you. You probably come across as a safe option waiting patiently for her official commitment so she doesn't even have a choice to make as far as you are concerned. I agree that with two guys already in the bag giving her validation she is likely to choose a totally different guy who she eventually refers to as her boyfriend.
smudge21 Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 Let me ask, would you tell her about some other girl who was interested in and contacting you all the time? Probably not because you'd be concerned she'd up and leave you... see what I'm saying?
Maxtor Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 BRO! Leave her. I know you won't listen, but she is playing with you. She doesnt love you. She is probably texting the guy when she is not with you. She loves the bad boy. She will hurt you. If you leave now, you may have a chance in the future. But not today. 1
sandylee1 Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 Let me ask, would you tell her about some other girl who was interested in and contacting you all the time? Probably not because you'd be concerned she'd up and leave you... see what I'm saying? Excellent point ^^^^^^ She's not really concerned whether you stick around or not..if she was she wouldn't tell you this.
okc85 Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 I was in this almost exact situation recently. She chose me over the other guy. Then she dumped me a month later, haha. Sooooo....I dunno.
Guildford Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 OP. Did your girlfriend lose her virginity to this other guy? I have read once or twice about women who lost their virginity to someone who was more of a player than a relationship guy and he could walk back into her life any time and take her to bed. Just asking.
Jabron1 Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 Been there, seen it and done it (and lost) with a girl with a similar MO. When she introduces another guy (no matter how she refers to him or whether she spends more time with you) you have to take a step back and introduce another girl. I don't see her face timing him in front of you as positive at all- she is playing you off against each other and making it clear that you have competition. A girl who wants exclusivity with you would not be playing such games. So you need to respond in kind and let her know that she has competition too, because it sounds like you haven't given her any concept of what it would be like to be without you. You probably come across as a safe option waiting patiently for her official commitment so she doesn't even have a choice to make as far as you are concerned. I agree that with two guys already in the bag giving her validation she is likely to choose a totally different guy who she eventually refers to as her boyfriend. I was thinking he should just have fun, and not take things so seriously. To her credit, she told him the score in the very first week, and he continued to invest in her exclusively - for some reason. Now I think his heart is set on a serious long term relationship with her. It's become an all or nothing situation. So he might as well just ask for exclusivity, and then accept her decision, or walk away. 1
insert_name Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 (edited) I was thinking he should just have fun, and not take things so seriously. To her credit, she told him the score in the very first week, and he continued to invest in her exclusively - for some reason. Now I think his heart is set on a serious long term relationship with her. It's become an all or nothing situation. So he might as well just ask for exclusivity, and then accept her decision, or walk away. It could be played either way- asking for exclusivity is a bit all or nothing but at least you are taking things into your own hands and will know the score before investing further. Making it clear that you are still interested but exploring other options is a safer option, you are still in the picture but she knows that you have the chance to walk away at any moment unless she raises her game. I get the impression that she isn't going to like being played at her own game, oh well- that's life kiddo. And if she doesn't bat an eyelid, well, that tells a guy where he stands just as much as her turning down exclusivity after having 'the talk'. But yeah, after my experiences from now on 'having fun' is the order of the day until exclusivity has been specifically communicated. Until then always have another option on the table and if you don't, hell, pretend that you do. It is not a good position to be in at all for a popular girl to know that you are concentrating on her alone. Edited March 14, 2016 by insert_name
truth_seeker Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 Let me ask, would you tell her about some other girl who was interested in and contacting you all the time? I think OP should turn the tables and do this! Someone needs to be put in their place! OP tell her you've been talking to someone else and you decided that she's a better fit for you. You wish her the best and slam the door shut. The girl will probably go psycho and stalk OP.
Erik30 Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 (edited) You're her back up. I'm sure she likes you, but the moment this other guy decides he really wants to go for her, she'll dump you in a heartbeat. And I think she was actually Face Timing him in front of you to try to make him jealous. If you think you're capable of just having some fun with her, keeping it casual, you could continue to date her if you want. But there's a pretty big chance she'll eventually dump you for this guy, or someone similar to him. Edited March 14, 2016 by Erik30
truth_seeker Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 I was in this almost exact situation recently. She chose me over the other guy. Then she dumped me a month later, haha. Sooooo....I dunno. These types of women behave this way their entire lives. Here's her future outlook: 10 more boyfriends, marriage, divorce, marriage, divorce, 10 more boyfriends, dead. 1
elaine567 Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 OP tell her you've been talking to someone else and you decided that she's a better fit for you. You wish her the best and slam the door shut. The girl will probably go psycho and stalk OP. I guess not, the decision will then be made for her and she will either pick up the other guy again or move onto someone else.. I don't think she is really invested enough in the OP to bother stalking him.
truth_seeker Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 I guess not, the decision will then be made for her and she will either pick up the other guy again or move onto someone else.. I don't think she is really invested enough in the OP to bother stalking him. I was being facetious with that last statement I made but it's not out of the realm of possibility. You ignore an attention seeker and it can drive them mad enough to stalk you.
elaine567 Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 You're her back up. I'm sure she likes you, but the moment this other guy decides he really wants to go for her, she'll dump you in a heartbeat. And I think she was actually Face Timing him in front of you to try to make HIM jealous. I agree, the other guy was there first and I do think her focus is him and the OP is merely a convenient weapon for her to bash the other guy over the head with. Never a great idea to get in between a couple who have unfinished business like these two obviously do.
Author Critical480 Posted March 16, 2016 Author Posted March 16, 2016 Again I can't thank you guys enough for the help. I had a brief talk with her the other day about how I was feeling and she seemed very receptive. It sounds hard headed but I think regardless of the outcome I'm going to see this through. Worst case senario it stings for a while after but I learn from it; I feel like I already care too much (Haven't felt like this in a lonnnng while) to just walk away. I really appreciate the honesty and sense of sincerity in your replies! Though it wasn't all what I wanted to hear it was what I NEDDED to hear. Thank you!
smudge21 Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 Again I can't thank you guys enough for the help. I had a brief talk with her the other day about how I was feeling and she seemed very receptive. It sounds hard headed but I think regardless of the outcome I'm going to see this through. Worst case senario it stings for a while after but I learn from it; I feel like I already care too much (Haven't felt like this in a lonnnng while) to just walk away. I really appreciate the honesty and sense of sincerity in your replies! Though it wasn't all what I wanted to hear it was what I NEDDED to hear. Thank you! When you fall down that hole, say hello to me and bring snacks. I've been stuck down here for a few weeks now and it sucks. You seriously think this will only sting for a while - sorry but once you develop feelings it's already beyond the slight sting stage of dating someone. I truly hope it doesn't go this way for you, but having recently been there, that shock and pain you feel the moment they no longer contact you or tell you about the new guy, it's not a pain I'd want to inflict on anyone. Okay, it's not a break up, but when you have feelings, it can still hurt just as much. If you can keep a level head and maintain a level of distance between you two, then maybe she may choose you... but as long as you keep being there for her no matter what she does, then she will lose respect for you. To quote Ferris Bueller, you can't respect someone who kisses your a$$. Next time she brings up this other guy, spit it back in her face with a line like "you should give him another chance, he sounds really nice" and right at that moment, you friend zone her before she does it to you... okay, you probably won't do that, but how you react to all this will tell her exactly where you are, and will also dictate how this "relationship" goes. All the best with it, and bring Doritos, BBQ rib flavour.
joseb Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 Again I can't thank you guys enough for the help. I had a brief talk with her the other day about how I was feeling and she seemed very receptive. It sounds hard headed but I think regardless of the outcome I'm going to see this through. Worst case senario it stings for a while after but I learn from it; I feel like I already care too much (Haven't felt like this in a lonnnng while) to just walk away. I really appreciate the honesty and sense of sincerity in your replies! Though it wasn't all what I wanted to hear it was what I NEDDED to hear. Thank you! What did she say that convinced you to keep in the same situation?
Phoenician Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 Irrespective of what happens in this relationship ; until you realize that you need to change you will suffer a lot in your life . it is normal for a human to go through stages in life emotionaly : -learning . -Suffering . -Expressing & enjoying you are mature when you express with no longer being in pain . I have reached this stage at age of 45 , some ppl reach it early . the best would be to have a phase of suffering minimum ... If you stay with this girl even if she chose you , you suffering phase will be like mine 15-18 years ... use your mind , and learn .
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