Critical480 Posted March 13, 2016 Posted March 13, 2016 Hey guys, long time viewer first time poster. I recently (A little over a month ago) started seeing woman (both in our early 20s). She is amazing. She's super affectionate, attentive, and just fun to be around. We've talked about every major subject there is to cover in the early dating scene. When she speaks of her future plans I'm always in them, she wants me to meet her parents, she's told her friends and parents about me, every box is checked and things are going well! We'll sort of... She confided in me that she had feelings for another guy a week into our relationship. She openly admits he treats her poorly and I've seen and heard the way he demeans her one an occasion or two where he FaceTimed her and she answered. It baffles me. She tells me repeatedly that she appreciates how well I treat her and that I'm 'her ideal guy'. Yet for some reason she still has feelings for him, they had only a brief relationship spanning maybe 5 months. I understand I'm the 'new comer' to her situation but she just throws out all the signs to me and I feel like they are genuine. She will openly ignore him and his calls in front of me but once I'm gone I feel like she down plays what "Me and Her" are to this guy, while talking it up to me. Weve gone out 11 times in the last month. I can't tell if he's the backup guy or me. I'm not even sure how to feel, it's quite confusing. I have strong feelings for this girl and feel as those the feelings she expresses towards me are genuine as well. She doesn't go on dates with this other guy and try's to avoid seeing him. But she'll talk to him and hear him out which doesn't make me jealous but it doesn't make me feel good either. If she says I'm so great, why is the choice so hard for her? Am I wrong to feel hurt by her lack of decisiveness? Am I just her crutch until he treats her better and she goes running back? Any advice would be appreciated!
Satu Posted March 13, 2016 Posted March 13, 2016 If she can't decide she shouldn't be with either of you, because she doesn't love him or you. Eject, eject, eject. 7
introverted1 Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 She may realise on an intellectual level that you are the better choice but, for whatever reason, she is attracted to the bad boy who doesn't treat her well. There is nothing here for you but pain as she will continue to see-saw between you. I'm guessing that, if pressed, she'd pick him over you. Move on. Find someone who can care about you whole-heartedly. 4
joseb Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 Tell her you like her and are really keen for this relationship to work. So you are going to leave it for now and let her get back when she has finished with her "ex". Let her know you will be dating others in the meantime. Then move on. If she really dumps him and comes back great, but I wouldn't wait for it. 6
angel.eyes Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 Since she's not done with her ex, you're wasting your time and your heart on her. This will end very badly for you. By the way, how do you know she's not going on dates with him??? Unless you spend 24/7 (literally) with her, you have no idea what she's doing with him. But from both their actions, she's clearly investing some time with him other than what you personally witness. If she weren't, he wouldn't still be contacting her, Face Timing her, etc. especially while you're around! Also, clearly she isn't being upfront with him about the exact nature of her relationship with you. Otherwise, you wouldn't be around when she's communicating with him. The same way that she's not up front with him about who you really are in her life, is the same way she's not being up front with you about him! If you were smart you would have walked away as soon as you became aware of the other guy. Since you feel a need to hang around and possibly "win" over him, brace yourself for the life lesson she's going to deliver. 6
truth_seeker Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 Another one who wants to have her cake and eat it, too. OP - do you like sharing? I mean do you like sharing your woman with another man? It sucks you like her, but you have to let her know you're gone. Don't even give her an ultimatum. You take control and walk. The more you continue down this path with her, the greater the heartache you will endure. 6
basil67 Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 Excellent advice so far. Don't let her string you along any further. 3
truth_seeker Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 If you were smart you would have walked away as soon as you became aware of the other guy. Since you feel a need to hang around and possibly "win" over him, brace yourself for the life lesson she's going to deliver. This is why when I find out another guy is involved, I lose interest. Women who like to put their options out there are TROUBLE! OP needs to let this girl know she isn't the be all end all. Walk away and watch her come running after him. 3
Woggle Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 Make her choose between him or being single. Make yourself no longer an option. 5
phineas Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 Make her decision for her OP. Delete her from your life. Women who can't kick a guy who is bad for them are just as bad as anyone with a co-dependency they can't kick. just walk away. 5
whichwayisup Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 Sadly I give you this advice, walk away. For some reason this guy who treats her poorly is the one she has feelings for. Though I wish she'd be strong and tell him to get lost and just focus on you. But that's not going to happen. Something has attracted her to him and she's going to go down that road regardless if you're dating her or not. She shouldn't even be speaking to him if she is with you. Women who prefer the 'bad boy' and hot/cold game have internal issues and insecurities. 4
Leigh 87 Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 I know exactly what is happening. She feels the 10/10 chemistry with that guy, who isn't that into her. You, the guy that IS into her and she finds attractive enough to kiss/be romantic with, just does not provide for her the same level of chemistry as the bad boy. The thing is..... A girl needs to hold out for the chemistry AND the " nice guy who is actually into her"...... This girl is impatient, she cannot get the guy she IS actually into to be into her back, so she is trying to "settle" for the guy she is less into, because she knows you are a safe and reliable bet - and HEY, it is NOT as bad as it sounds, LOL, because I AM SURE she does like you and find you cute enough! I have REALLY liked the " nice guys" I tried to settle for .... I actually liked them as much, on a personal level, as the men I WANTED yet who didn't want me back.. It comes down to chemistry. Chemistry and emotions are the driving force here; chemistry makes you long after someone, and think about them whenever your phone beeps.. u hope it is them. You get giddy with excitement over the first few dates. you get EXCITED about those with whom you share the great chemistry with. Chemistry makes you feel PASSION and EXCITMENT, that irrational leap you get when they text you or say something lovey dovey. The issue with this girl is that she is settling for the guy who doesn't make her heart "feel" as intensely. The guy who doesn't want her makes her feel stronger emotions and more excitement and dare I say, " in love" with. 1
Leigh 87 Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 Last year I was in her position. I met an aloof Irish man, with the accent and the player persona. Not knowing what he wanted, I went on a date with a nice guy. We had chemistry alright, and really hit it off. The problem is, the unavailable men often make us feel the STRONGEST chemistry, more than most nice guys can compete with. Arrogance, being outgoing and confident and being manly are traits that really get me going - I ended up NOT having to settle for " the nice guy I have good but not GREAT chemistry with" or " the jerk who isn't into me but who pretends that he is to get sex" This girl is clearly trying to pick between the "nice guy she likes but isn't into romantically and isn't excited about" and the " bad boy she feels more passion for" Let her go. I sincerely hope that she finds the " nice guy" who also has a lot of traits that get her panties wet too. The middle ground - not the nice guy she isn't into. Not the jerk. She needs to find the best of both worlds and stops stringing you along because she us co dependant and cannot face being single! 1
katiegrl Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 OP....reading all these responses...you must be feeling quite disheartened... are you okay? Come back and let us know how you're doing! 1
smudge21 Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 I agree with all the posts here and have experienced that type of girl who goes for the bad boy, gets hurt, complains that she can never find a nice guy, finds a nice guy and friend zones him, then goes for another bad guy - wash, rinse, repeat! I feel that these types of people (and it can happen for guys too) are just simply used to a certain type of person, in this case the bad boy, and therefore don't truly feel comfortable around the nice guy. Plus, there's also that factor that the nice guy will always be there, and sometimes we all like a challenge, like to think we have something to work for, something to gain. I've been the nice guy on many occasion and can look back and see how much effort I put in, and how I always there. Maybe if the OP does back off, just tell her that as she doesn't know what she wants, he needs to go work out what he wants (a great person told me that line), maybe... (note the 'maybe') she may come around, but there's no guarantee of that. Still the alternative is to hang around right up until that moment she makes her choice, which from everyone here, doesn't sound like it's going to be a positive one. 1
elaine567 Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 She is in the situation where neither of you are enough for her, neither of you on your own is what she wants. If she could carve you both up, and take a bit of you and a bit of him to make a completely new more perfect bf she would. That is why you and he both need to walk away. She in the end will not choose either of you. 1
Author Critical480 Posted March 14, 2016 Author Posted March 14, 2016 Thanks for all the responses! Very insightful, especially the female side of things, I appreciate it. Yes it is a little disheartening and I'm sure none of you want to hear this but I can't just let it go. I honestly feel like she has "chosen" me on some kind of basic level just because the amount of attention and one on one time I get to spent with her. It's just that I feel like I'm being chosen... "For the time being" if that makes sense to anyone. I feel like if one day she woke up and this guy treated her nicer than me, it'd be over. Someone raised a good question when they asked how do I know they're not going on dates or spending time together in my absence; when she answered his FaceTime call while I was with her, he constantly bitched and moaned about how she keeps blowing him off and asking childish questions about whether or not we've kissed or done xyz sexual act and how she won't talk for more than 2-3 minutes with him. I feel like she does this in front of me as her way of saying "Hey look I don't like him as much as you" but she can come out and just say it or tell him to get lost because... I don't know! 1
Jabron1 Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 Just to confirm, this is a physical relationship between the two of you? 1
Author Critical480 Posted March 14, 2016 Author Posted March 14, 2016 Just to confirm, this is a physical relationship between the two of you? That is correct 1
smudge21 Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 I feel like she does this in front of me as her way of saying "Hey look I don't like him as much as you" but she can come out and just say it or tell him to get lost because... I don't know! You feel like it's her way... why isn't she actually saying this though? Sorry I know what you're feeling here (I recently had similar, where someone was showing all the attention and interest but deep down, it was never going to be) and I know how hard it can be to walk away because you just feel it, but please take it from everyone here that the more you are "there" for her, the more she is going to lose interest, lose respect for you. She's basically saying she can't decide between both of you and you're replying with "hey no worries, I'm more than happy to be around you whilst you figure this out... just like a GOOD FRIEND!". No one who has feelings for someone and truly wants a serious relationship should have to wait around in a situation like this. Either they do or they don't. Currently she's just keeping both of you as an option, whilst you're making her your priority. I truly believe you're heading for a bad time on this one. I can honestly say that looking back over my own recent events, that I regret not being honest and walking away much earlier - maybe then she'd have come around, missed me, chased me. Who knows, it's too late now. I do know at the time that I allowed the situation to happen by always being there, and in affect telling her that it was fine to keep me hanging, I'm okay with it, you decide whenever, I've not got a problem.. when inside deep down I was screaming for her to be with me. It was never going to be, and the longer I hung around, the more I made sure it was never going to be. I could've possibly made it work, but I just couldn't walk away because I lived in hope things would change. But looking back, why would they - why is your situation going to change? This girl has two men chasing her, and you are perfectly happy to let it continue. You are being a GOOD FRIEND to her. I would put money on her meeting someone else entirely now. Someone who doesn't bother her on snapchat (WTF?) and someone who doesn't kiss her a$$ and jump through her hoops so easily. If you want this to change, then be honest with her and yourself. It will hurt to walk away, but it will be a lot less painful than staying around. 5
Jabron1 Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 Listen to Smudge. Never wait around to be 'chosen' by someone. If you aren't going to value yourself highly, why should she? 4
katiegrl Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 Absolutely listen to smudge! In fact cut and paste his post to your fridge and read it every day! And to smudge -- hey I am really proud of you!!!! 2
smudge21 Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 Absolutely listen to smudge! In fact cut and paste his post to your fridge and read it every day! And to smudge -- hey I am really proud of you!!!! If only we could sometimes follow our own advice... lot of regrets over that last one, hence OPs issue here just rings so many familiar alarm bells. Maybe if I'd have followed your advice earlier then I'd be better off now, sadly I hung around too long and now she's just walked - no explanation, nothing, just gone as if I never existed, so I'm left wondering was it all for nothing, and there are no answers. I hope OP can avoid that... 1
katiegrl Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 (edited) If only we could sometimes follow our own advice... lot of regrets over that last one, hence OPs issue here just rings so many familiar alarm bells. Maybe if I'd have followed your advice earlier then I'd be better off now, sadly I hung around too long and now she's just walked - no explanation, nothing, just gone as if I never existed, so I'm left wondering was it all for nothing, and there are no answers. I hope OP can avoid that... Everything happens for a reason....when I gave you advice, you weren't ready to leave yet, and if you had left then ... you would have been second guessing....guaranteed! You needed to play it out till the cold bitter end....that is how we learn....which you did, big time! And you became stronger and wiser as a result! Sadly, I think OP will need to play this out till the bitter end too. Then HE will learn....and become stronger and wiser too! Apologies to OP for referring to you in the third person.... Edited March 14, 2016 by katiegrl 1
Jabron1 Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 Critical, it looks like you need to have 'the talk' with this girl, if you haven't already. Tell her that you want more than what you're getting. Be straight with her - It sounds like she has been straight with you so far. ...And be prepared to walk away. 2
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