Warring with myself

[d0nnivain]

I just found out that my former friend is planning on being at a St. Patrick's Day Party next weekend.

 

 

Here's some of the backstory if you need it: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/platonic/friendship/540837-may-have-deal-ex-friend-tommorow-very-upset

 

 

Basically we were friends for 40+ years. I went out of my way to help her with her wedding & did some free professional work for her. She abused me, screamed at me, accused me of all sorts of horrible things & sent me death threats. I cut her out of my life. But now she's coming back to this party.

 

 

As a result I don't want to go to the party. It's a small venue. We have dozens of friends in common all of whom are thrilled she's coming home. Unlike the party above I won't be able to avoid her at this event.

 

 

There will be people drinking especially her.

 

 

My brain tells me that skipping the party is the best thing to do. But I'm angry about having to do that. My husband had planned a birthday party for me, inside this event. It's a long standing tradition that dates back 15 years. My EX friend knows this because she used to be an integral part of the celebration. The event is also dedicated to my late father, her God-father, who she disrespected at her wedding, which was unforgivable to me.

 

 

My husband is also annoyed. He loves this party. He wants to go but won't out of solidarity to me but he thinks that if I skip this party I'm "letting her win" and "run my life." He also thinks that she is such a vindictive B-word that if I don't stand my ground that she will intentionally show up at this St. Patrick's Day event every year just because she knows it will keep me away & hurt him.

 

 

What do I do? I'm really not strong enough to go & deal with her. I'm afraid if I see her, I will start something & ruin the whole event for other people & I don't want to be that person.

 

 

So should I go or should I skip it? Why can't she just stay on the other side of freakin' country 2000 miles away from me? Ugh

[SixxChick]

You have provided some really good insight to me. And I thank you for that. Honestly, I think if you skip this party, YOU win. It's just about moving on. Plain and simple. 40 years is a long time to know this person. But focusing on the past is pissing on the present, and potentially destroying the future. Just my two cents. I hope you find peace in whatever decision you make.

[d0nnivain]

Thank you SixxChick. If it was just me, I wouldn't go. But I feel bad because my desire not to go is upsetting my husband. Under many circumstances I'd just tell DH to go & I'd do something else but literally everybody we know & spend time with socially will be there. So if he doesn't do something else with me I will end up home, alone & miserable. He's willing to skip the party but he's not happy about it so I feel like she's "winning" because she's disrupting things in my marriage / life.

[mrs rubble]

When there's someone at a party I don't like, I don't talk to them unless they talk to me first. I answer if spoken to by person I don't like, making it crystal clear I don't want to be talking to that person then move away from them. Don't allow anyone to make you feel uncomfortable or intimidated.

[Satu]

I remember your thread about this very well, as it made a strong impression on me at the time.

 

There's no easy answer, but I would say this:

 

"Don't let anyone make your world smaller."

 

You should be able to go where you please.

 

If I were in the same situation, I would go, mainly because there will be other people there that you want to see, and people there who want to see you.

 

I wouldn't even glance in her direction, or acknowledge her presence in any way.

 

Thats what I would do, but it might not be your preference.

 

Talk more with your husband.

 

 

Take care.

[preraph]

I mean, I hate that you're relinquishing these important events to her, but if you're only going to be miserable, which I do understand, then either don't go or go early or go late and don't stay long (like if she is one who shows up late, you go early, or vice versa).

 

If it were me I'd take the bull by the horns the next event by trying to have input into it. Like making it where you can rent a private room or private table and keep her out. If where it's at is by a hotel, rent a room for yourself and invite some people up there and keep her out. You know, make a "side party suite." if not possible this year, be involved next year and make sure it's someplace you can work with like that.

 

I know your husband will probably disapprove of anything that seems inordinately dramatic, but you could also hire a bodyguard to run interference and keep her from approaching you. Or hire a good looking male escort to monopolize her time and take her out of there with him. Yes, I'm devious.

[SixxChick]

I remember your thread about this very well, as it made a strong impression on me at the time.

 

There's no easy answer, but I would say this:

 

"Don't let anyone make your world smaller."

 

You should be able to go where you please.

 

If I were in the same situation, I would go, mainly because there will be other people there that you want to see, and people there who want to see you.

 

I wouldn't even glance in her direction, or acknowledge her presence in any way.

 

Thats what I would do, but it might not be your preference.

 

Talk more with your husband.

 

 

Take care.

 

This is some pretty good advice. Plus, you have some time to psyche up for this event. You could rise above and still move on. But your husband should be part of your support system. Because, as you know, life can get complicated. Unfortunate, but true. It's how we choose to deal with it.

[basil67]

You're damned if you do and damned if you don't. Sorry I have no answers, I just wanted to send my best wishes.

[whichwayisup]

You be the bigger person and hold yourself to a high standard. If you react and make a scene YOU become the problem. Just stay out of her way and don't speak to her. And, whatever you do, don't go getting drunk. Have a few drinks but be aware that alcohol and grudges = problems.

[SixxChick]

And, whatever you do, don't go getting drunk. Have a few drinks but be aware that alcohol and grudges = problems.

 

Learned it the hard way, but this is the absolute truth. Maintain your dignity at all times. You will walk away at a more elevated level.

[BlueIris]

I say go because it's important to you. If she's going to be part of your life forever, somehow learn to tune her out. What would you think of going to a hypnotist to help you neutralize noticing her? I'd hate to you see give up important things over anyone.

[Methodical]

My brain tells me that skipping the party is the best thing to do. But I'm angry about having to do that. My husband had planned a birthday party for me, inside this event. It's a long standing tradition that dates back 15 years. My EX friend knows this because she used to be an integral part of the celebration. The event is also dedicated to my late father, her God-father, who she disrespected at her wedding, which was unforgivable to me.

 

My husband is also annoyed. He loves this party. He wants to go but won't out of solidarity to me but he thinks that if I skip this party I'm "letting her win" and "run my life." He also thinks that she is such a vindictive B-word that if I don't stand my ground that she will intentionally show up at this St. Patrick's Day event every year just because she knows it will keep me away & hurt him.

 

What do I do? I'm really not strong enough to go & deal with her. I'm afraid if I see her, I will start something & ruin the whole event for other people & I don't want to be that person.

 

This is a long standing tradition that has many facets, including a dedication to your late father. Hubs has planned a bday celebration for you inside this event and I'm sure that's part of the reason he is upset. But, he has a point.

 

Your ex friend is inflammatory and notorious for instigating crap.

 

You want to attend the celebration, just not with her there, which is her prerogative. Because you shared a 40 year friendship, I assume she hasn't always been a b-word, right? It's doubtful that she has changed her recent behavior since she hasn't reached out to apologize for her past actions.

 

You are coming at this from an angle of an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. The problem here, though, is that by employing your strategy, you lose. In your shoes, I wouldn't allow her attendance to dictate my tradition. Knowledge is power, and you already know there could be potential backlash. Totally avoiding her will be near impossible since this is a small venue, but you can take the high road and if/when she engages you, acknowledge her with a nod or hello (or not) and then move on. That way, you won't appear catty while taking the wind out of her sail.

[whichwayisup]

Ask a trusted friend to keep an eye out and put her in charge that if your ex friend acts up, she will be asked to leave. Or, someone can talk to her beforehand and let her know that there's to be no drama and she should avoid you completely.

 

I take it everybody who will be there knows of the issues between you and her?

[LivingWaterPlease]

I'd go and have a great time!

 

If she were to approach me I'd be cordial, even kind, to her but I wouldn't open my life to her in any way.

[privategal]

I just found out that my former friend is planning on being at a St. Patrick's Day Party next weekend.

 

 

Here's some of the backstory if you need it: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/platonic/friendship/540837-may-have-deal-ex-friend-tommorow-very-upset

 

 

Basically we were friends for 40+ years. I went out of my way to help her with her wedding & did some free professional work for her. She abused me, screamed at me, accused me of all sorts of horrible things & sent me death threats. I cut her out of my life. But now she's coming back to this party.

 

 

As a result I don't want to go to the party. It's a small venue. We have dozens of friends in common all of whom are thrilled she's coming home. Unlike the party above I won't be able to avoid her at this event.

 

 

There will be people drinking especially her.

 

 

My brain tells me that skipping the party is the best thing to do. But I'm angry about having to do that. My husband had planned a birthday party for me, inside this event. It's a long standing tradition that dates back 15 years. My EX friend knows this because she used to be an integral part of the celebration. The event is also dedicated to my late father, her God-father, who she disrespected at her wedding, which was unforgivable to me.

 

 

My husband is also annoyed. He loves this party. He wants to go but won't out of solidarity to me but he thinks that if I skip this party I'm "letting her win" and "run my life." He also thinks that she is such a vindictive B-word that if I don't stand my ground that she will intentionally show up at this St. Patrick's Day event every year just because she knows it will keep me away & hurt him.

 

 

What do I do? I'm really not strong enough to go & deal with her. I'm afraid if I see her, I will start something & ruin the whole event for other people & I don't want to be that person.

 

 

So should I go or should I skip it? Why can't she just stay on the other side of freakin' country 2000 miles away from me? Ugh

 

 

You guys need to be adults and maybe before the event have a final conversation and get closure from the past. Even if you have to "battle" a bit on the phone (which you should try not to fight, but just listen to eachothers points) it is clear you need to talk.

The reason you need to talk is it is still affecting your life and your circle of friends and your husband.

It is more mature to see if you can hash it out, even if you don't repair the friendship and continue on your separate paths, you could see if you can come to the understanding that since you share friends you can at least be civil. You need to let all this petty stuff from the past go and make peace with it. You don't forgive because the other person deserves it, you decide to forgive and let go FOR YOU because hanging onto it is toxic.

You should read some artickles on forgiveness. You don't even have to do it directly with the person you do it for your health and piece of mind.

 

 

A lot of things clearly hurt you but they are in the past, you are entitled to be hurt but if you are denying yourself going to events further drumming up all the pain and confusion of the past when you can handle it more directly with the person and if you aren't willing to do that then you are hurting yourself and your realtionships with other friends by revolving whether you go to parties based around someone who only comes in once or twice a year and lives 2000 miles away.

[d0nnivain]

I am not about to be the peace maker. I was for years but this time she went too far. She made actual death threats. I have them in writing & saved the voice mails. Based on what she said, I could have gotten a restraining order or at least had her charged with harassment / terroristic threats I may just do that if she misbehaves at this event.

 

She has 51 other weekends per year she could come up. Why does it have to be this one? Of course i know the answer -- this is the one that causes me the most emotional pain.

 

The security guards hired by the venue as well as the entire venue staff know the history & are "on my side." I have no intention of saying anything to her not even hello. If she comes toward me I will walk away.

 

I have been having nightmares about her physically hurting me or cornering me in the bathroom.

 

Some of my friends are aware this is happening & are wiling to run interference, but really they shouldn't have to do this, although I am so grateful for the offer.

 

Last time she had enough sense not to approach me based on my cold attitude and the fact that I would turn in the opposite direction the minute I saw her.

[BlueIris]

I am not about to be the peace maker. I was for years but this time she went too far. She made actual death threats. I have them in writing & saved the voice mails. Based on what she said, I could have gotten a restraining order or at least had her charged with harassment / terroristic threats I may just do that if she misbehaves at this event.

 

She has 51 other weekends per year she could come up. Why does it have to be this one? Of course i know the answer -- this is the one that causes me the most emotional pain.

 

The security guards hired by the venue as well as the entire venue staff know the history & are "on my side." I have no intention of saying anything to her not even hello. If she comes toward me I will walk away.

 

I have been having nightmares about her physically hurting me or cornering me in the bathroom.

 

Some of my friends are aware this is happening & are wiling to run interference, but really they shouldn't have to do this, although I am so grateful for the offer.

 

Last time she had enough sense not to approach me based on my cold attitude and the fact that I would turn in the opposite direction the minute I saw her.

 

That's horrible! Do your friends all know this? And if they do, how is she being invited to these events? Why aren't people telling her that she shouldn't come?

[d0nnivain]

That's horrible! Do your friends all know this? And if they do, how is she being invited to these events? Why aren't people telling her that she shouldn't come?

 

Few people know this except my husband & a few people who counseled me when it was going on. I'm not about to tell them. I don't necessarily believe that she wanted to kill me but she is known for her bad temper. Even if I told them, they would all shrug & say that's just her.

 

I really don't want to drag people into my drama / problem. If they want to be friends with her, let them.

[preraph]

If she tries to talk to you, tell her you kept the recordings and will use them if she doesn't stay out of your arena.

[BlueIris]

Few people know this except my husband & a few people who counseled me when it was going on. I'm not about to tell them. I don't necessarily believe that she wanted to kill me but she is known for her bad temper. Even if I told them, they would all shrug & say that's just her.

 

I really don't want to drag people into my drama / problem. If they want to be friends with her, let them.

 

But you actually are afraid of her, so you must think that the threats were real and after knowing her for 40 years you more than anyone would know what she's capable of. I'm not trying to be contentious, just to make sure you're safe.

[d0nnivain]

Somehow, not through me, word got out. People have been texting me all day to say they are coming to lend me moral support. In that sense I feel very blessed.

 

Blueiris although she threatened to kill me I don't think she would kill me. I do think she's not above throwing a punch or trying to trap me in the ladies' room just to be able to say whatever she wants to say to me. Last party I never went to the bathroom alone. I'm sure every guy on here is thinking, women never go to the bathroom alone anyway so why is that a problem. lol

[preraph]

Well, that brings up another question. Do you have a big intimidating female friend or relative who isn't her friend you could bring to run interference, in addition to your husband? A woman will understand this better than most men, who seem to get testy if there's any drama and think it's not important.

 

A protective female friend could be your eyes and ears and go to the restroom with you and look like she'd have to get through her to get to you.

 

No, she's not going to do anything physical in front of people. What she's going to do is try to make you look like the mean one and probably cry on guys' shoulders (who'll believe her when women won't). It's too bad none of these friends think to just not invite her.

[ChickiePops]

Oh Donnovain I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

 

If you truly feel you could be physically threatened, can you and your husband make a deal to stick close to each other and keep your phones on at all times? You shouldn't let her ruin your enjoyment or your birthday.

[d0nnivain]

I talked to my therapist about all this yesterday. he gave me some coping skills. I have this strategized as much as I can. Hopefully she just gives me a wide berth.

[d0nnivain]

Tonight is the night. Wish me luck. I have been saying the serenity prayer all morning & praying for Grace.