Wondering if we are really over.

[ripeverythingok]

I moved to a new city about 7 months ago, and immediately met a guy. We hit it off. Friends and family liked me, we did everything together. Then, disaster struck. I lost my job, and had to enter the job search, and had to move in with local family. So, I started spending more time with him. The family I moved in was incredibly conservative, and would bitch about me "spending all night with my boyfriend" (I'm 23, he's 25.). This put a bit of a strain on our relationship, as I could never be fully relaxed around him.

 

As I entered the job search, I got very stressed and anxious. I'll be honest, for the past month, I've been a bit of a monster. But, I talked with my boyfriend about it, and he told me he would always be there for me, etc. and that he loved me. Every day.

 

Fast forward to now, I start my new job next week, move out in 3 weeks. My boyfriend broke up with me last weekend, after a fight, that I started. I showed up at his place, exhausted. We looked at apartments. I will admit that I was being incredibly standoffish. I tend to shut down, emotionally. We were supposed to go to his friend's party, but I guess he could read it in my body that I didn't want to go, and he gave me the most disgusted look ever and left.

 

i called him after, and he was angry. He told me that he had been wondering how we fit together, and that it was probably best that we just be friends. I asked him why I had never heard this before, and he said he kept it to himself because he thought I would freak out. He told me that he didn't care about what I talked about, and I didn't care about what he talked about. I asked him if we could talk it out the next day, and give it some time.

 

We met up, things were fairly jovial. I apologized to him, and told him that I was sorry that the stress consumed me, and that I was lashing out at him. I even made a list of things I would do differently, and told him I would get some help. I told him I knew I had been emotionally neglecting him, and I wanted to make up for it. He told me that he didn't think I had anything to apologize for, and this is "just how I am". I told him that he could do better, and he responded with, "Can you?" I asked him why he was giving up on me, when he said he wouldn't. I reminded him that the storm was almost over, and things would be getting back to normal. He said that he still cared a lot about me, but he couldn't "unsee" what happened today.

 

When I realized he wasn't going to change his mind, I thanked him for the time we had together, and for loving me when he did. At this, he stood up and darted out. I left after him. He walked me to my car, and hugged me for a long time, then left.

 

I ended up texting him a bit later, to ask him to delete some sexy pics we took together.

 

We haven't spoken since. I waited a bit to see if he would do it first, and he didn't, so I deleted him off facebook, instagram, snapchat, etc. We are now no contact.

 

 

On one hand, I think that there were valid reasons for our relationship needing a change. But on the other hand, we literally talked about our future the same day he broke up with me. I was shocked that he went that quickly to deciding that we had no future. I have whiplash.

 

And what I'm more shocked about is his inability to forgive me, considering his past. My boyfriend has previously been in a 3 1/2 year relationship and a 4 month relationship - all about 6 months before me. He told me that those relationships both came to an end because of cheating (the girl first, then he did). He told me he always felt like he was the only one in the relationship.

 

I just don't understand why he refused to try and make things work. Yes, I was a cranky bitch, but I respected our relationship and didn't commit any fouls. I owned up to my faults. Also, the reality is, I improved him so much. When I met him, he had been living in his parent's house for almost 8 months, following his breakup with his other serious girlfriend. He didn't have any real future career goals, etc, and was still trying to finish his degree. I, on the other hand, am pretty educated. While he was with me, I encouraged him to buy his first suit, I helped (read: WROTE) a fellowship application for him a scholarship (which he will probably get!), pulled some strings because I know people at that organization. And...the day we broke up, he was back on OkCupid, and he updated his profile to include his favorite food (which I introduced him to) and his career goals (that include the fellowship app that I wrote for him). This is not to say he didn't do anything for me, but that hurt. I really think I made him better, and he I.

 

Anyway, as we have no mutual friends, I will likely never see him again unless I initiate contact. I'm just so sad and lonely in my new city now.

Edited March 13, 2016 by ripeverythingok

[Tutancamon]

if he was the one who acted bitchy and fought you all the time, how long do you think you would have lasted before leaving him? We sometimes get blinded. I'm sorry. I too think was blinded, cocky, etc and after five years she left like nothing ever happened. Blocked me completely.

[Satu]

I get the feeling that he wasn't healed from the breakups before you.

 

Not much timed had passed before he met you.

 

I think he may have ended it because he didn't want another failed relationship.

 

That's a paradox, I know.

 

"Might as well just end it now."

 

He was probably more vulnerable than you recognised.

 

Where you go from there, I don't know.

 

 

Take care.

Edited March 13, 2016 by Satu

[ripeverythingok]

if he was the one who acted bitchy and fought you all the time, how long do you think you would have lasted before leaving him? We sometimes get blinded. I'm sorry. I too think was blinded, cocky, etc and after five years she left like nothing ever happened. Blocked me completely.

 

Honestly, I think it would depend on the reason.

[angel.eyes]

The point of dating is to get to know someone well enough to figure out whether you're compatible. He's not your mother, so he doesn't have to love you unconditionally through your adult terrible twos. He's not your husband, so thankfully he dodged that nasty Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde bullet that had been lurking just under the surface.

 

He saw enough for far longer than was reasonable to know what you're really like when life isn't going exactly as you want it. By your own admission, it was not pretty. Sorry, but we don't get to kick the cat and abuse the people around us just because life took a slight left turn.

 

Live and learn. Time to grow up and treat people the way you would want to be treated.

[ripeverythingok]

The point of dating is to get to know someone well enough to figure out whether you're compatible. He's not your mother, so he doesn't have to love you unconditionally through your adult terrible twos. He's not your husband, so thankfully he dodged that nasty Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde bullet that had been lurking just under the surface.

 

He saw enough for far longer than was reasonable to know what you're really like when life isn't going exactly as you want it. By your own admission, it was not pretty. Sorry, but we don't get to kick the cat and abuse the people around us just because life took a slight left turn.

 

Live and learn. Time to grow up and treat people the way you would want to be treated.

 

This is an incredibly nasty post. I didn't abuse him, so please don't make that assumption.

[Satu]

The number one rule I live by is this:

 

 

"I only give the best of myself to others. The less than best, I work on in my own time."

 

 

It works perfectly for me, and all my relationships are loving and harmonious.

[kztar]

The point of dating is to get to know someone well enough to figure out whether you're compatible. He's not your mother, so he doesn't have to love you unconditionally through your adult terrible twos. He's not your husband, so thankfully he dodged that nasty Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde bullet that had been lurking just under the surface.

 

He saw enough for far longer than was reasonable to know what you're really like when life isn't going exactly as you want it. By your own admission, it was not pretty. Sorry, but we don't get to kick the cat and abuse the people around us just because life took a slight left turn.

 

Live and learn. Time to grow up and treat people the way you would want to be treated.

 

Were they dating or in a relationship ? Two different things here. People seem to get this messed up all the time. I would hope that if he engaged into a relationship he was ready to commit and make it work. This is beyond just getting to know someone. I have dated SOOOO many of guys in my life but have had very few relationships. When I actually engage in a relationship is because I see marriage potential and Im willing to go above and beyond. Sadly people get in relationships without knowing the difference between this and dating.

[ripeverythingok]

Were they dating or in a relationship ? Two different things here. People seem to get this messed up all the time. I would hope that if he engaged into a relationship he was ready to commit and make it work. This is beyond just getting to know someone. I have dated SOOOO many of guys in my life but have had very few relationships. When I actually engage in a relationship is because I see marriage potential and Im willing to go above and beyond. Sadly people get in relationships without knowing the difference between this and dating.

 

We were in a relationship, and a serious one, as reiterated by him multiple times.

 

I think the thing that hurts the most are the little comments his parents made. Like, how we reminded them of their relationship. His friends thinking we were a good match. Perhaps they changed their minds, but I can't help but think that everyone in his life wasn't wrong.

[angel.eyes]

Sorry, but if you're behaving this badly at seven months of dating, why would he or any other emotionally healthy person sign up for a lifetime of that treatment whenever your life isn't perfectly rosy??? Why would he marry you?

 

That the point of dating. It takes about a year in a relationship to learn enough about someone and for them to show their true colors when they're hit with some sort of challenge. Again, by your own admission, your colors were far from pretty. Being in a relationship with you doesn't mean he's compelled to take on a life sentence of bad treatment whenever something in your life annoys you...like having a conservative landlord.

 

If, as he's getting to know you, he discovers you're not compatible or you have traits that run counter to what he's looking for, he has every right to bow out and look for a more suitable partner and a healthier relationship elsewhere...which he has done. Smart people don't double down on a losing bet! Why would he marry someone who persistently mistreated and disrespected him? Smart man to walk once you showed him who you really were.

 

Again that's the point of dating for a year plus before you ever consider getting engaged or married to someone.

[ripeverythingok]

Sorry, but if you're behaving this badly at seven months of dating, why would he or any other emotionally healthy person sign up for a lifetime of that treatment whenever your life isn't perfectly rosy??? Why would he marry you?

 

That the point of dating. It takes about a year in a relationship to learn enough about someone and for them to show their true colors when they're hit with some sort of challenge. Again, by your own admission, your colors were far from pretty. Being in a relationship with you doesn't mean he's compelled to take on a life sentence of bad treatment whenever something in your life annoys you...like having a conservative landlord.

 

If, as he's getting to know you, he discovers you're not compatible or you have traits that run counter to what he's looking for, he has every right to bow out and look for a more suitable partner and a healthier relationship elsewhere...which he has done. Smart people don't double down on a losing bet! Why would he marry someone who persistently mistreated and disrespected him? Smart man to walk once you showed him who you really were.

 

Again that's the point of dating for a year plus before you ever consider getting engaged or married to someone.

 

My question to you is this - who hurt you? Why are you taking this post so personally and being so nasty? Are you aware that it's possible to fight with someone and not be abusive? You are repeatedly accusing me of treating my ex-boyfriend like ****, and I did not. Did I snap too quickly? Yep. But ridicule him? Abuse him? No.

 

The reality is, he was correct in ending us. I'm just not certain that we don't have a future together.

 

I guess I should tell everyone who has had a major life crisis - job loss, death in the family, former abuse, etc. that they are just damaged goods, and should give up hope of someone wanting to be with them, and they should also give up hope improving themselves.

 

Change is constant.

Edited March 14, 2016 by ripeverythingok

[angel.eyes]

Hon, please point out where I said you ridiculed and abused him! Because I didn't.

 

No one has hurt me. I'm in a healthy, stable, mutually respectful long-term relationship.

 

Sorry, but snapping once or twice at someone doesn't result in a breakup! I'll cut and paste some of your own self-descriptions from the OP, since you're now minimizing any possible role you might have played in his decision to end things. You're acting as if his decision was arbitrary, unreasonable, and out of the blue!

 

• "I got very stressed and anxious. I'll be honest, for the past month, I've been a bit of a monster."
  
• "I was being incredibly standoffish. I tend to shut down, emotionally."
  
• "...the stress consumed me, and that I was lashing out at him."
  
• "Yes, I was a cranky bitch."
  

 

Then as if that weren't enough, you kept trying to change him into someone else...what you deemed to be a better man. According to you, he should be grateful since he was a better man for meeting you. You had upgraded so many things in his life.

 

As he asked, why were you even with him? You weren't interested in what he liked and weren't interested in participating in his interests.

 

He is done, and rightfully so. Take some responsibility for the outcome, and learn to treat people the way you would want to be treated. Then focus on doing better with the next guy.

Edited March 15, 2016 by angel.eyes

[basil67]

I guess I should tell everyone who has had a major life crisis - job loss, death in the family, former abuse, etc. that they are just damaged goods, and should give up hope of someone wanting to be with them, and they should also give up hope improving themselves.

Change is constant.

 

I'm so sorry that the relationship failed. Thing is though, seeing how someone copes with adversity is a really important consideration when you're in a relationship and figuring out if there's a future together.

 

Yes, changes is constant. Thing is though, not everyone who goes through change and crisis withdraws and neglects their partner. Many people cope with life's problems remarkably well and remain pleasant to be around.

 

Now, I realise that you didn't *abuse* him. But the list of what you did do wrong was a good reason for him to end things. He knows that if things went wrong again for you in the future that he couldn't deal with the way you manage stress. And no, he doesn't owe you more chances because you did nice things for him. Having done nice things for him doesn't negate the fact that he couldn't cope with your moods.

[ripeverythingok]

Hon, please point out where I said you ridiculed and abused him! Because I didn't.

 

No one has hurt me. I'm in a healthy, stable, mutually respectful long-term relationship.

 

Sorry, but snapping once or twice at someone doesn't result in a breakup! I'll cut and paste some of your own self-descriptions from the OP, since you're now minimizing any possible role you might have played in his decision to end things. You're acting as if his decision was arbitrary, unreasonable, and out of the blue!

 

• "I got very stressed and anxious. I'll be honest, for the past month, I've been a bit of a monster."
  
• "I was being incredibly standoffish. I tend to shut down, emotionally."
  
• "...the stress consumed me, and that I was lashing out at him."
  
• "Yes, I was a cranky bitch."
  

 

Then as if that weren't enough, you kept trying to change him into someone else...what you deemed to be a better man. According to you, he should be grateful since he was a better man for meeting you. You had upgraded so many things in his life.

 

As he asked, why were you even with him? You weren't interested in what he liked and weren't interested in participating in his interests.

 

He is done, and rightfully so. Take some responsibility for the outcome, and learn to treat people the way you would want to be treated. Then focus on doing better with the next guy.

 

You said: "Sorry, but we don't get to kick the cat and abuse the people around us just because life took a slight left turn. "

 

Abuse. That's the word you used.

 

I am taking full responsibility for the outcome, and I wish more than anything that it hadn't happened. But I want to emphasize to you, because you keep insinuating this, that I am not some permanently damaged unhealthy person.

[ripeverythingok]

I'm so sorry that the relationship failed. Thing is though, seeing how someone copes with adversity is a really important consideration when you're in a relationship and figuring out if there's a future together.

 

Yes, changes is constant. Thing is though, not everyone who goes through change and crisis withdraws and neglects their partner. Many people cope with life's problems remarkably well and remain pleasant to be around.

 

Now, I realise that you didn't *abuse* him. But the list of what you did do wrong was a good reason for him to end things. He knows that if things went wrong again for you in the future that he couldn't deal with the way you manage stress. And no, he doesn't owe you more chances because you did nice things for him. Having done nice things for him doesn't negate the fact that he couldn't cope with your moods.

 

Yeah, this is sad.

[PinkElephants]

I just don't understand why he refused to try and make things work. Yes, I was a cranky bitch, but I respected our relationship and didn't commit any fouls. I owned up to my faults.

Owning up to your faults and addressing them are two different things. If a person owns up to a bad habit but does nothing to try to fix it then nothing gets solved.

 

Since change is constant maybe this is the opportunity for you to change some traits in yourself that you'd like to improve. You seem to have a firm grasp on the things you struggled with so you're way ahead of the game.

 

Also, the reality is, I improved him so much. When I met him, he had been living in his parent's house for almost 8 months, following his breakup with his other serious girlfriend. He didn't have any real future career goals, etc, and was still trying to finish his degree. I, on the other hand, am pretty educated. While he was with me, I encouraged him to buy his first suit, I helped (read: WROTE) a fellowship application for him a scholarship (which he will probably get!), pulled some strings because I know people at that organization. And...the day we broke up, he was back on OkCupid, and he updated his profile to include his favorite food (which I introduced him to) and his career goals (that include the fellowship app that I wrote for him). This is not to say he didn't do anything for me, but that hurt. I really think I made him better, and he I.

Do you feel like he owes you? If he gets a new girlfriend will you be angry that she's getting something that you feel you created and, therefore, deserve?

 

Anyway, as we have no mutual friends, I will likely never see him again unless I initiate contact. I'm just so sad and lonely in my new city now.

This is actually great news! I've done break ups with the long drawn out contact and gone swift and unyielding no contact and that's definitely the way to go. It's so much easier getting over a person when they're not constantly in your ear.

 

I've also been where you are with respect to your move. It was March, gray, cold, the friends I'd made were coupled up and busy; it was very tempting to stay in and mope. Instead, I realized that I had so much more free time without the stress and constant battling so I made a list of places I wanted to see and went alone. I saw a lot of places and when a guy came along again and started eating up my sight seeing time it was fine because I'd already checked off a lot of the items on my list. It's always unfortunate when a person goes somewhere and never actually sees the place.

[ripeverythingok]

Owning up to your faults and addressing them are two different things. If a person owns up to a bad habit but does nothing to try to fix it then nothing gets solved.

 

Since change is constant maybe this is the opportunity for you to change some traits in yourself that you'd like to improve. You seem to have a firm grasp on the things you struggled with so you're way ahead of the game.

 

 

Do you feel like he owes you? If he gets a new girlfriend will you be angry that she's getting something that you feel you created and, therefore, deserve?

 

 

This is actually great news! I've done break ups with the long drawn out contact and gone swift and unyielding no contact and that's definitely the way to go. It's so much easier getting over a person when they're not constantly in your ear.

 

I've also been where you are with respect to your move. It was March, gray, cold, the friends I'd made were coupled up and busy; it was very tempting to stay in and mope. Instead, I realized that I had so much more free time without the stress and constant battling so I made a list of places I wanted to see and went alone. I saw a lot of places and when a guy came along again and started eating up my sight seeing time it was fine because I'd already checked off a lot of the items on my list. It's always unfortunate when a person goes somewhere and never actually sees the place.

 

I realized the "improved" thing sounds bitter. Really, I said this because I genuinely thought that I made him better, and he made me better. He is a a different person than when I met him, and I guess I am too. That was why I said that. I tend to think that relationships are good when they do that. In the better times in our relationship, this is something he always announced. It was kind of like his personal motto.