Joebloggs91 Posted March 13, 2016 Posted March 13, 2016 Hi guys - I posted on here a few years ago when I broke up with my first real love. Pleased to say I got over it, took time and plenty of dark days but I did it. I met a girl last September (my first since I broke up with my ex in 2013. I'm incredibly picky) she was a mirror of me personality wise. Good looking, same morals, values etc. Genuinely thought she could be the one. We would speak all day, all night and never ran out of things to talk about. She had a bit of a 'freak out' a few months in, basically she came round and we sorta ran out of things to talk about. She panicked and said she wanted to slow it all down as she wasn't ready for a relationship, I obviously respected that and we agreed to stop talking as much and take things slower. Christmas came and went and we got into a relationship at the start of this head, everything was great and we started to plan (she initiated most of it) Ever since she had her wobble in November she would go hot and cold. One week she would be awesome, telling me how happy she was and how she wanted to go away here and there with me. Other weeks she would go quiet, I would have to initiate conversation and all of the effort would come from me. Last Monday she decided to break it off (after one of her cold spells) said she wanted 'me time' and that the spark had gone (it only went when she had her cold spells) she also felt we were on different pages. Since we have broken up I haven't heard a thing, which makes me think I've lived a lie pretty much the whole time. How can it not effect her at all? How can you go from speaking all day everyday to nothing just like that? It's a killer feeling, it's massively dented my confidence and I can't see how I can get over it where it all happened so fast. Any help is appreciated
ty10 Posted March 13, 2016 Posted March 13, 2016 Can I hazard a guess that this girl is most likely in her early/mid 20's?
Author Joebloggs91 Posted March 13, 2016 Author Posted March 13, 2016 Can I hazard a guess that this girl is most likely in her early/mid 20's? Yep - just turned 22. I've just turned 25
ty10 Posted March 13, 2016 Posted March 13, 2016 Yep - just turned 22. I've just turned 25 Thought as much, I'm the same age as you and it happened to me. I was 24 she was 22 everything going swimmingly, talk of moving in together etc. One day I just got a feeling something was up and a week later it was over to the surprise of everyone. I got a half arsed excuse so tried to push to find the truth - she finally gave me a few reasons, one being that her friends/family were saying they hadn't seen enough of her so she put all her effort and spare time into them and I got annoyed as we'd see each other only twice in the month. Truth is, and it took me a while to figure it out, she at 22 was far too immature for a relationship and that's true of many girls of that age. So many relationships fail at the end of the honeymoon phase because people in their early to mid 20's fail to realise they are slipping into a new dynamic of the relationship. They also fail because people can't get their work/social/love like balance right. They don't want to feel they are missing out on other things, often the relationships at this age that work manage to get that balance right, allowing the freedom to go out with friends etc but also manage to do stuff together. Some also fail due to curiosity of others. Is this guy/girl the person I want to spend the rest of my life with - often they don't know if that person is who they want so want to explore a different relationship with someone new. All I can say is, I do understand how you feel. My confidence took a massive knock and even now I'm still not the person I was before I met that ex. I think what I've learned is not to take it too personally, if you felt the same you'd probably want to end things too and in a way it's good that your ex has gone into NC with you - helps with the healing process. So my recommendation is to move forward, get your confidence back up by getting fitter or trying new things, learn from this relationship and take these experiences into your next one.
Author Joebloggs91 Posted March 13, 2016 Author Posted March 13, 2016 Thank you - it's good to hear stories that are similar to mine and I can relate to. I just feel that with all of my friends being in long term relationships I was the final one. I got a promotion at work, new car, moved into a new flat then met her. It was the final piece of the jigsaw. Now it's hit my confidence hard feeling that I'm back at square one. Unfortunately my job isn't one where I'm going to meet many new people (I'm in a position of trust and responsibility), and it requires that I work evenings and weekends so getting out is harder. I guess I currently have that lonely feeling where I don't feel i'll meet someone. I guess it will fade overtime
sorano Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 The 180. My ex changed her mind in a blink of an eye and dumped me. welcome to the club. Going 7 weeks now. Been doing really well. I wrote so much stuff on here lately and hopefully it will get even better. 1
jsdifjf Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 and that the spark had gone My ex told me the same when breaking up with me after a few very intense months. She is 22, I'm 26. She wants strong emotions all the way and when the intensity started to fade, she became cold and then called it quits. After spending some time in this forum, I realised it's actually a very common thing to happen. Maybe your ex is too young and immature, maybe you're in a different phase, or maybe she's addicted to the intensity of new relationships. I understand the frustration, because you didn't get to see what lies beyond the honeymoon phase. It's as if your relationship was only just starting when she blew it off. But for whatever reason it was the end for her. So my advice is: don't spend too much time wrapping your mind around this, but do take your new understandings with you. When you've moved on, try dating older girls who know what they want, or who have a deeper understanding of how a relationship works and develops over time. Don't force this process, it takes time. Focus on you. I still have a hard time accepting things as they are (it ended one month ago), but it does get better, so hang in there.
smudge21 Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 It's not just the younger ones I'm afraid. Similar happened to me recently, especially the whole going from constant contact and closeness for 5 months to absolute zero after a weekend. Nothing. Zip. Zero. Nada. Not a thing.. you get the idea. I reached out and all I got back was friendly banter, like it no longer mattered. I think it's that not knowing where you start to overthink and blame yourself, but the fact is, people just change. Sometimes they change when they meet someone too, and then return to their normal selves later on. You could spend your entire life trying to understand one person, or you could simply say it's their loss and move on. I find it funny and annoying how we, all of us, can spend so much of our lives focusing on people who simply don't care and very little on those that do. It's times like these, when people we have feelings for turn their backs on us, that we see how real other people are to us, and how we should be treated. I'm not reaching out again (I want to, so want to). If someone can just treat me like this when I've only ever been nice to them, then why would I want them in my life. Don't beat yourself up over this as more than likely, you never really had any control over the situation. Whatever her reasons for walking away, they're not your concern. She lost the chance for you to be there the moment she turned her back on you. Let go, understand this was not you're doing, and go live your life. That's what I'm planning to do.
kztar Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 Sorry to say but usually this happens with people who are immature and don't know what they want. As far as the older people doing this, it's very scary. I get it people change and people will ALWAYS change, but just because you change doesn't mean you walk away. People change and grow together. This is super scary to me in the future because I had someone who was madly in love with me yet a year later he fell out of love. I think that this is more of a commitment issue with the older people. Relationships take WORK and effort and this is plenty of it. People who have been married fall in and out of love everyday but they don't walk away. They walk through the rough patch and fall in love again a year or two later and the cycle continues. People just don't like sticking it out. I pray everyday that someone like this never ever ever ever crosses my path EVER again. My parents have been together 27 years and they are not in love what so ever but they are committed to each other. They do tell me how they were in love for like 8-9 years and then their love changed.
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