Sexless dating - sleeping with other women

[Shgy]

I just turned 30 a couple days ago. I've pretty much been single for the past 7 years. I have an 8 year old child. I was with his father for 4 years before he ended it. He got together with someone else quickly and is married now. He ended the relationship because of sex. Our sex life sucked because of me and he needed more. The tension caused a lot of other problems.

 

After giving birth sex sucked, even 8 years later it still does. I had nerve damage and now sex doesn't feel good at all, no pleasure whatsoever. I haven't been able to orgasm since and it hurts just to be touched there. Yes, I have seen doctors. 4 of them. I had a surgery done, it made sex less excruciating but not feel good. My sex life is done.

 

And that makes dating impossible. I dated a guy for a few months and he ended it because the sex sucked. There was others and as soon as sex comes up they run the other way. I'm currently dating a man for 8 months. He's great, we get along well and have the same values, wants, etc. But he said he needs good sex in a relationship. He proposed the idea of him sleeping with other women so he'd fullfil those needs. So 3x in the last 2 weeks he banged someone else. I'm having a really hard time dealing with it. That he has to go to someone else and she's giving him something that I can't.

 

I get sexually frustrated too but there is nothing I can do about it. But I can't be with someone and expect them to be happy with no sex. I don't know how I'm supposed to handle him sleeping around. I'm sad all the time now. Getting married, having a great relationship and more kids is some thing that has always been really important to me. But it's like that will never happen now.

Edited March 13, 2016 by Shgy

[smackie9]

Sooo you can't enjoy oral too? clitoral stimulation? Tried the alternative, anal?

[Cinnamonstix]

I can't imagine how hard that must be for you to no longer enjoy sex nor feel that you can satisfy a partner sexually. If you are not comfortable sharing your partner with anyone else, I don't think you should have to.

 

There do exist people who would enjoy a romantic relationship without sex. These people would fall on the asexual spectrum. Would you consider dating someone with no desire for sex themselves?

[Shgy]

Sooo you can't enjoy oral too? clitoral stimulation? Tried the alternative, anal?

 

No, oral isn't enjoyable. My clit literally tore in half. It hurts really bad to be touched at all. If that area is avoided it doesn't hurt but there is no pleasure. I've tried a few times but I'd never get off from it. It's also not something I'd want to do with just anyone. My sons father and the man I'm currently seeing, neither are/were into that.

[Shgy]

I can't imagine how hard that must be for you to no longer enjoy sex nor feel that you can satisfy a partner sexually. If you are not comfortable sharing your partner with anyone else, I don't think you should have to.

 

There do exist people who would enjoy a romantic relationship without sex. These people would fall on the asexual spectrum. Would you consider dating someone with no desire for sex themselves?

 

I would but I've never met someone who is asexual, even with online dating where people can make that a setting. I'd be nervous of the unfamiliar. I don't know a whole lot about asexuality.

[elaine567]

I know you feel somewhat responsible here, but no woman needs to let her partner see other women to meet his sexual needs, if she is not comfortable with it and you patently aren't.

Introducing other people into your relationship is asking for trouble.

It is making you unhappy too, so don't do it.

It isn't the solution here.

YOU need to go back to the medical profession with your problem.

[Shgy]

I know you feel somewhat responsible here, but no woman needs to let her partner see other women to meet his sexual needs, if she is not comfortable with it and you patently aren't.

Introducing other people into your relationship is asking for trouble.

It is making you unhappy too, so don't do it.

It isn't the solution here.

YOU need to go back to the medical profession with your problem.

 

If I tell him that I can't have him sleep with other women then I'm going to lose yet another man. Then it will just keep happening over and over. I'm a relationship person. I'm happy when I'm single and don't relationship hop but I've always been happier in a relationship. I like having someone to share my life with.

 

Apparently a few weeks ago my son asked his dad why I'm alone and when I'm going to get married. He's told his teacher that he prefers his dads house because he has a family there (dad, step mom, siblings) but at my house it's just me.

 

I've seen 2 of the best doctors in my city and 2 of the best in the country. I flew across the country for one of them. I saw a pelvic physiotherapist for almost 2 years. Aside from tightening it back up and getting my muscles back to normal it did nothing.

[elaine567]

Apparently a few weeks ago my son asked his dad why I'm alone and when I'm going to get married. He's told his teacher that he prefers his dads house because he has a family there (dad, step mom, siblings) but at my house it's just me.

 

That it no reason to put up with a man who disrespects you enough to propose he has sex with other women and goes off and does it.

I know sex is very important but it is in my book showing disrespect to you, for him to go off and do this.

Sex is also a bonding experience without it he will not feel close to you, I am afraid you may lose him anyway.

 

What did the surgery actually do here?

[Popsicle]

Any man who wants sex is not going to sign up for a life with you. What I recommend you do is go to asexual groups and search for this on the web. You will find that they exist (male ones too) and most of them want to have a relationship and even get married. I think you will have to go with this.

[stillafool]

If he is having sex with other women sooner or later he is going to fall for one of them and leave your relationship. Sex is bonding for a couple.

[preraph]

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I've had friends who didn't enjoy sex for just about a year after childbirth whose marriages almost failed because of it, which really makes me mad that a man can place SO much importance on that, but they do, and more than they will even admit.

 

Look, you might compare yourself to some older folks, who eventually encounter problems that make sex not worth it and uncomfortable and hurt. You know, as we age, we get arthritis and bad hips and bad knees and prolapses that make sex just not worth it, at least with a partner. Some are able to pleasure themselves, but a partner can't really know when to stop or where to touch when it's a changing condition. So there are people out there in a similar situation.

 

I know what nerve pain is. I've had it in a leg since the '90s. Now, mine is a neuropathy, where once the pain gets turned on by aggravation to my back or anywhere nerves orginate from, then it sometimes doesn't turn off. Yours is I'm sure completely different, but I want to make sure the doctors have at least tried the nerve pain medications on you, just to be sure. Has anyone given you amitiptyline? If my leg gets real bad, a three-week course of it (it makes you like in a coma in the morning) dialed it down. Now there are other medicine options as well. I just want to be sure your doctors have tried those on you. My nerve pain is from damage as well. So be sure you've at least tried that.

 

Some people believe in acupuncture for nerve pain. It might be worth a try.

 

Short of finding a medical cure, you are just going to have to adjust your life goals to match your new physical state. The way you saw yourself going certainly isn't the only way to live. Many people are quite happy on their own, certainly happier than if they would be with a man constantly resentful about not getting enough sex. I simply don't believe in doing anything you don't enjoy doing. To me, it's just that simple. I mean, if you want a man bad enough to suffer physically for it, be my guest, but to me, that is out of the question, but then I am just fine by myself.

 

One thing I would recommend is to unburden yourself of this being your main issue if possible. Try not to magnify it and dwell on how unfair it is and just accept it and then adjust your life accordingly. It does suck, no doubt. But again, most old folks reach this sort of impasse eventually and adjust to it. Don't make yourself miserable trying to take the blame for a relationship that fails because sex is most of the reason the man is interested in you. You know, men can masturbate just the same as anyone else. They don't have to cheat to meet their sexual needs. That's BS. However, I can certainly see why no man would opt to stay in a sexless relationship when they don't have to, although I would expect a long-term husband to do just that if they cared anything about you, but not a new person.

 

So decide if that's worth it or not. And then start building up your life with other focuses. Take up any hobbies that might be fun or you've set aside because of the kids. Reconnect with old friends. Stop focusing on this. It's unhealthy you're blaming yourself. But there's way more to life than having a man and having sex, and lots of people know it. It's a big world out there. Don't just hole up because you have these problems. Build a new life. Good luck.

[Emilia]

What do you want a partner for if sex isn't part of the equation? Won't close friendships satisfy you?

[katiegrl]

OP, there IS a way around this that would hopefully work for both of you...

 

Assuming you love each other and are committed to making it work.

 

You are able to give him oral, right? So, give him the best damn oral he's ever had!!

 

His testacles too....all over the area, he will go nuts trust me and won't miss intercourse one bit!

 

On your end, he can kiss and caress your body, softly, lightly...your breasts, everywhere! Sensually... using his fingers, a feather! YOU will go nuts.

 

I have had orgasms that way...no clitoral stimulation whatsoever! Swear to god.

 

Afterwards, you hold each other, cuddle, this satisfies the emotional element and allows you to maintain the closeness you just shared through sex.

 

Have you tried or proposed any of these things?

 

There is no reason why you can't have a fulfilling, satisfying sexual relationship without intercourse...or clitoral stimulation.

 

See a sex therapist for other things you can do too!!!

 

Him having sex with other women is NOT the solution, it will eventually destroy your RL.

 

Good luck!

Edited March 13, 2016 by katiegrl

[Yookie]

I like the answer above.

 

Most women do not reach orgasm through intercourse anyhow and men can get stimulated plenty of other ways. It's a good idea to explore other avenues of intimacy with your partner that do not involve vaginal intercourse. This will provide both emotional and physical fulfillment to you and him.

[preraph]

I would agree with the above, except her clitoris is damaged and it may hurt when aroused and swollen. Only she will know the answer to that.

[katiegrl]

I would agree with the above, except her clitoris is damaged and it may hurt when aroused and swollen. Only she will know the answer to that.

 

He would not be touching the clitoris though....

 

Unless you're saying having an orgasm hurts her clitoris even though there is zero clitoral stimulation?

 

I dunno, the pleasure of everything else happening to her body may over-ride that, if that's the case.

[Ami1uwant]

Coming from a guys perspective thus is going to be difficult on you unless you can find someone who is asexual/low sex drive.

 

Another issue here...what about childbirth? Can you have another child?

 

How much of this is psychological? Have you gone through any counseling on it?

 

How are you when it cones to kidding and touching?. Foes that turn you on? I am not talking about touching you down there. Do you get turned on seeing a hot guy?

 

If not the problem could be something hormonal/psychological and not physical.

[katiegrl]

Coming from a guys perspective thus is going to be difficult on you unless you can find someone who is asexual/low sex drive.

 

Another issue here...what about childbirth? Can you have another child?

 

How much of this is psychological? Have you gone through any counseling on it?

 

How are you when it cones to kidding and touching?. Foes that turn you on? I am not talking about touching you down there. Do you get turned on seeing a hot guy?

 

If not the problem could be something hormonal/psychological and not physical.

 

Even if she gave you the best bj's you've ever experienced in your life?

 

And you were in love with her?

 

I mean is intercourse really the be-all-and-end-all of sexual activity?

[Shgy]

That it no reason to put up with a man who disrespects you enough to propose he has sex with other women and goes off and does it.

I know sex is very important but it is in my book showing disrespect to you, for him to go off and do this.

Sex is also a bonding experience without it he will not feel close to you, I am afraid you may lose him anyway.

 

What did the surgery actually do here?

 

So there is no way to be close without sex? Or really bad sex?

 

The surgery removed scar tissue, revised my tear, stitched my clit back together, attempted to rebuild a clitoral hood and fix my torn labia. And something to do with my cervix.

 

 

What do you want a partner for if sex isn't part of the equation? Won't close friendships satisfy you?

 

Sex isn't the only part of a relationship or the only thing that separates a friend from a boyfriend. You can have sex with anyone. But you don't want to share your life with just anyone or come home to just anyone every night.

 

OP, there IS a way around this that would hopefully work for both of you...

 

Assuming you love each other and are committed to making it work.

 

You are able to give him oral, right? So, give him the best damn oral he's ever had!!

 

His testacles too....all over the area, he will go nuts trust me and won't miss intercourse one bit!

 

On your end, he can kiss and caress your body, softly, lightly...your breasts, everywhere! Sensually... using his fingers, a feather! YOU will go nuts.

 

I have had orgasms that way...no clitoral stimulation whatsoever! Swear to god.

 

Afterwards, you hold each other, cuddle, this satisfies the emotional element and allows you to maintain the closeness you just shared through sex.

 

Have you tried or proposed any of these things?

 

There is no reason why you can't have a fulfilling, satisfying sexual relationship without intercourse...or clitoral stimulation.

 

See a sex therapist for other things you can do too!!!

 

Him having sex with other women is NOT the solution, it will eventually destroy your RL.

 

Good luck!

 

He said I love you the first time last night, after he came back from sleeping with someone else.

 

I give him oral as much as he wants. I'm not super confident in my abilities. I've been trying to touch his balls but I'm not sure how, and he wants me to use my hand to basically give a hand job while giving oral and I have trouble with it. But when I do give him oral he gets very turned on and ends up wanting to have sex. Same with if he's kissing me or even just sees me in underwear.

 

I would agree with the above, except her clitoris is damaged and it may hurt when aroused and swollen. Only she will know the answer to that.

 

When I get aroused it gets extremely sensitive, but only to the touch. But it doesn't swell up anymore.

 

Coming from a guys perspective thus is going to be difficult on you unless you can find someone who is asexual/low sex drive.

 

Another issue here...what about childbirth? Can you have another child?

 

How much of this is psychological? Have you gone through any counseling on it?

 

How are you when it cones to kidding and touching?. Foes that turn you on? I am not talking about touching you down there. Do you get turned on seeing a hot guy?

 

If not the problem could be something hormonal/psychological and not physical.

 

And finding a guy like that seems to be impossible. And it's not a perfect scenario because I still have a sex drive, it just sucks and hurts. But if it ever stops hurting or at least has pleasure rather than feeling like nothing, and I'm with someone who has no sex drive I don't know.

 

I can have more children. Everything still works and is in good shape that way.

 

Yes, I tried counselling and a sex therapist. Neither helped. It's not psychological. It's physical damage.

 

I get turned on when I see someone attractive or from kissing, touching, etc. I want to have sex, but it just doesn't work. We've had sex but most of the time he can't even get off.

[katiegrl]

So there is no way to be close without sex? Or really bad sex?

 

The surgery removed scar tissue, revised my tear, stitched my clit back together, attempted to rebuild a clitoral hood and fix my torn labia. And something to do with my cervix.

 

 

 

 

Sex isn't the only part of a relationship or the only thing that separates a friend from a boyfriend. You can have sex with anyone. But you don't want to share your life with just anyone or come home to just anyone every night.

 

 

 

He said I love you the first time last night, after he came back from sleeping with someone else.

 

I give him oral as much as he wants. I'm not super confident in my abilities. I've been trying to touch his balls but I'm not sure how, and he wants me to use my hand to basically give a hand job while giving oral and I have trouble with it. But when I do give him oral he gets very turned on and ends up wanting to have sex. Same with if he's kissing me or even just sees me in underwear.

 

 

 

When I get aroused it gets extremely sensitive, but only to the touch. But it doesn't swell up anymore.

 

 

 

And finding a guy like that seems to be impossible. And it's not a perfect scenario because I still have a sex drive, it just sucks and hurts. But if it ever stops hurting or at least has pleasure rather than feeling like nothing, and I'm with someone who has no sex drive I don't know.

 

I can have more children. Everything still works and is in good shape that way.

 

Yes, I tried counselling and a sex therapist. Neither helped. It's not psychological. It's physical damage.

 

I get turned on when I see someone attractive or from kissing, touching, etc. I want to have sex, but it just doesn't work. We've had sex but most of the time he can't even get off.

 

Franky, it doesn't sound like you're all that sexually compatible anyway, even if it wasn't painful for you.

 

Sorry but he sounds like a selfish pr*ck ...and no having sex with other women is not acceptable.... under any circumstances!

 

As I said, there are many things you can do, as a couple, that are satisfying besides actual intercourse.

 

But if he is not willing to put forth the effort to learn, and have patience to deal with your inexperience... then screw him....NEXT!

 

I am serious..... I would never ever tolerate my bf going off and f*cking other women, I would rather be alone than with a man who wanted to do that!

 

Just imaging it makes me sick to my stomach.... OP please leave, this will destroy you emotionally if you don't.

 

 

 

 

.

[stillafool]

S

 

I give him oral as much as he wants. I'm not super confident in my abilities. I've been trying to touch his balls but I'm not sure how, and he wants me to use my hand to basically give a hand job while giving oral and I have trouble with it. But when I do give him oral he gets very turned on and ends up wanting to have sex. Same with if he's kissing me or even just sees me in underwear.

 

 

You might try watching porn to see how those girls give head and get some ideas. I really feel for you (((((HUGS))))! With all their doing with medical science these days I'm sure one day someone will be able to rectify your condition.