What's so bad about being ignored on OLD?

[soddinl]

Hey,

 

I'm a long time lurker and I'm curious about this. On OLD for guys it seems really difficult, not getting many responses to initial messages.

 

Is being ignored better than having an outright rejection?

 

I understand you wouldn't expect to be ignored if you approached someone in a bar, however, OLD is a completely different beast, isn't it?

 

 

Just FYI I am a blogger about dating/relationships so although I am curious on a personal note, I will be writing a blog about 'the male perspective'.

[Erik30]

Because it sucks when you actually put in some effort to try to come up with fun creative messages all the time, only for them to constantly be ignored. It becomes demotivating after a while.

 

So I don't think it's a big mystery why guys don't like being ignored online. At least when a girl rejects you, you're sure that she's not interested and you move on to the next one.

[soddinl]

Obviously rejection isn't fun either way. But if you sent say, 100 messages, and got 100 rejections (not always polite, because they're not), that would be better than sending 100 messages and having no response?

[deckard11]

Hey,

 

I'm a long time lurker and I'm curious about this. On OLD for guys it seems really difficult, not getting many responses to initial messages.

 

Is being ignored better than having an outright rejection?

 

I understand you wouldn't expect to be ignored if you approached someone in a bar, however, OLD is a completely different beast, isn't it?

 

 

Just FYI I am a blogger about dating/relationships so although I am curious on a personal note, I will be writing a blog about 'the male perspective'.

 

Here we go again with this subject. Personally, I'd rather get an outright rejection. I have been on several OLD sites and I have never gotten one response back from any women. There's no common courtesy in OLD. I would be fine if a woman left me a message saying thanks, but no thanks. But I get nothing. I take the time to read their profiles and genuinely want to get to know someone. I'm not there for a hookup. I see so many profiles of women that start off with "don't message me if you just want sex". Yet guys like me are not given a chance. It's even more difficult for someone like me who is overweight, short and unattractive. OLD is nothing but shallow people.

[Philosopher]

I personally prefer being ignored to getting an outright rejection. If I get a thanks but no thanks message then your hopes are briefly raised when you are told you have a message, only to be completely dashed when you read that message.

 

Also in my opinion there are degrees of being ignored. If someone views my profile but does not reply after I send a message then it does at least sort of feel like an acknowledgement that they got the message and so does not feel that bad. It implies your message and profile pictures are alright and that it was something in the profile that they did not like. However if they did not view your profile after sending that message then it does feel like you have been completely ignored and that you are non existent to them.

[soddinl]

I personally prefer being ignored to getting an outright rejection. If I get a thanks but no thanks message then your hopes are briefly raised when you are told you have a message, only to be completely dashed when you read that message.

 

That's what I don't really understand here, this is my POV; I don't like the idea of having a notification, saying 'YAY MESSAGE!' then opening it and finding it says 'thanks no thanks', or even better 'I don't date fat chicks'.

 

Also in my opinion there are degrees of being ignored. If someone views my profile but does not reply after I send a message then it does at least sort of feel like an acknowledgement that they got the message and so does not feel that bad. It implies your message and profile pictures are alright and that it was something in the profile that they did not like. However if they did not view your profile after sending that message then it does feel like you have been completely ignored and that you are non existent to them.

 

I kindof see this, but they're pretty much non-existent too right? All you know of them is a couple of pictures and a few lines of writing.

 

 

What are 'you' (general you) hoping to get from a rejection message that you don't get from being ignored?

[Erik30]

Obviously rejection isn't fun either way. But if you sent say, 100 messages, and got 100 rejections (not always polite, because they're not), that would be better than sending 100 messages and having no response?

 

Well you do have a point. Most people would feel like crap after getting 100 rejections.

But when you don't get a reply you still have some hope left for awhile, so the guy in the meantime is coming up with possible excuses why he hasn't heard from her. (yet) Like "oh maybe she's really busy so she doesn't have time right now" or "maybe she didn't receive my message?" Basically wasting his time . With a rejection you immediately know you're done, no need to dwell on it

[soddinl]

Well you do have a point. Most people would feel like crap after getting 100 rejections.

But when you don't get a reply you still have some hope left for awhile, so the guy in the meantime is coming up with possible excuses why he hasn't heard from her. (yet) Like "oh maybe she's really busy so she doesn't have time right now" or "maybe she didn't receive my message?" Basically wasting his time . With a rejection you immediately know you're done, no need to dwell on it

 

I see, thank you for your POV, I guess I hadn't really considered it like that before.

 

I found when I messaged people, for the most part I messaged so many that I didn't get too hung up on the ones I didn't get a response from.

 

So, given that you'd probably not like to get only rejections, based on what you've said earlier, do you still think it's preferable to having no response?

 

What do you hope to get from a rejection? Feedback? 'Thanks, flattered, no'?

[losangelena]

Woman here. I messaged guys plenty back in my OLD days. Got ignored plenty. I dunno, I think it's helpful to learn how to let it all roll off your back. I never took it personally; people are flakey, that's nothing new.

[soddinl]

Woman here. I messaged guys plenty back in my OLD days. Got ignored plenty. I dunno, I think it's helpful to learn how to let it all roll off your back. I never took it personally; people are flakey, that's nothing new.

 

Thank you! It does seem like women don't seem as affected by being ignored on OLD as much as men are, I suppose that's why I'm so curious as to the male perspective - where, and why does it differ?

[phineas]

Because it sucks when you actually put in some effort to try to come up with fun creative messages all the time, only for them to constantly be ignored. It becomes demotivating after a while.

 

So I don't think it's a big mystery why guys don't like being ignored online. At least when a girl rejects you, you're sure that she's not interested and you move on to the next one.

 

And this is why I used to do generic messages on OLD.

 

it's a waste of time & energy to craft a special message to every woman when 99.9% of the time they are just looking at that tiny icon of your profile pic to decide if they respond or not.

 

also i'd rather they ignore me than use me for attention before ghosting.

 

I stopped online dating months ago.

Got sick of the non-responses and low quality women I was meeting.

 

One of my female friends who I used to date yrs ago, slept with, and considers me attractive now just doesn't get how difficult it is for men online because she gets tons of messages.

 

She said it was my pics and my profile and my opening messages.

she also said the majority of men in my age group on the site are either a handful of male models / gym rats clearly just looking for sex and a bunch of criminal looking and or out of shape un-attractive men with horrible cringe worthy pictures so my competition is quite low.

 

So I gave her free reign of my profile.

Let her dress me & take pics of me out with friends & other women.

Let her edit my profile text.

Let her send out messages to the 4 hot women on the site then the 10 women about equal in looks & then the women she considered in the "I can do better" category.

 

Guess what?

Nada.

nothing

zip.

 

she realized how much work it was making the profile and crafting messages and I think she was even more disappointed than me over the non-response.

 

I explained to her the only time I did well on the sites was when I was close to being ripped.

Which i'll be by summer time and plan to give it another try then.

[Erik30]

What do you hope to get from a rejection? Feedback? 'Thanks, flattered, no'?

 

Just a reply saying '"thanks, not interested" is good enough. I guess sometimes it's also nice if it seems the girl actually read your message by answering your question. (If it was really specific about something you're both interested in) Otherwise it might appear like she only took one quick look at your picture and thought "hell no."

 

I would only like some feedback if I was actually dating the girl for some time and she suddenly ended it. I don't need to hear her reason after just one message from me. She doesn't know me at all, and it's usually about looks anyway.

 

I do have to say that whenever I was trying OLD, I would only message up to 2/3 girls at a time, so that's probably why I would remember them, and likely the reason why I prefer a rejection

[Erik30]

Thank you! It does seem like women don't seem as affected by being ignored on OLD as much as men are, I suppose that's why I'm so curious as to the male perspective - where, and why does it differ?

 

Because most women receive lots of messages. If they want, they can just set up a profile and wait for the messages to come in. If some guy ignores her, she probably won't care. She'll just pick another one from her flooded mailbox.

[losangelena]

Because most women receive lots of messages. If they want, they can just set up a profile and wait for the messages to come in. If some guy ignores her, she probably won't care. She'll just pick another one from her flooded mailbox.

 

Lol, that is not a universal experience.

[road]

Whether a man gets ignored or gets a Dear John message either way he was rejected.

 

 

So there is no difference.

 

 

As someone pointed out. You clicked on a lot of profiles and your not hearing anything. Then bam! One day you see a message from a woman that you think is attractive and would be a good match. You try not to get carried away but hope it is good news. Then bam your bubble bursts as soon as you start to read the message. You got the old brush off.

[Philosopher]

That's what I don't really understand here, this is my POV; I don't like the idea of having a notification, saying 'YAY MESSAGE!' then opening it and finding it says 'thanks no thanks', or even better 'I don't date fat chicks'.

 

 

 

I kindof see this, but they're pretty much non-existent too right? All you know of them is a couple of pictures and a few lines of writing.

 

 

What are 'you' (general you) hoping to get from a rejection message that you don't get from being ignored?

 

If there was a way on dating sites of allowing users to send a pre written notification to someone that they were not interested, I would probably prefer that. You would get the message that they were not interested so there would be no uncertainly on whether they had read your message, however you would not have your hopes raised with a message that ended up being a thanks but thanks reply.

[LookAtThisPOst]

What's worse is...I took about a year break from POF, came back, and still see the same women in my local area that ignored my emails back then. I was like "WTF? Should I even bother emailing them again? Will they even remember me?"

 

I live in a rather smaller city, so occasionally I'd see them out at a grocery store or something, but it's funny seeing them become permanent fixtures/spinsters of these sites.

 

Nothing's even good enough for them to at LEAST meet up. It's only a few min. drive.

[Larryville]

On OLD for guys it seems really difficult, not getting many responses to initial messages.

 

But if you sent say, 100 messages, and got 100 rejections

 

I have been on several OLD sites and I have never gotten one response back from any women.

 

so the guy in the meantime is coming up with possible excuses why he hasn't heard from her. (yet) Like "oh maybe she's really busy so she doesn't have time right now" or "maybe she didn't receive my message?" Basically wasting his time.

 

First depending on what region of the country you live in and if you are honest about your own worth, there won’t be 100 women that any given individual is going to be compatible with.

 

it's a waste of time & energy to craft a special message to every woman when 99.9% of the time they are just looking at that tiny icon of your profile pic to decide if they respond or not.

 

Yup…

 

You are a simple commodity, if you decide to put your pic and profile on a dating site you are just another can of beans and unless your label is cool or creative you will get over looked.

 

What's worse is...I took about a year break from POF, came back, and still see the same women in my local area that ignored my emails back then.

 

Dudes keep failing to get that a significant chunk of women on these sites only use the site as a form of entertainment. Getting attention from strangers is a turn on, an ego boost. Again this is why when people say “oh this site is better than that site…” is just dead wrong. In areas with low population density no matter the site the same women appear, maybe a different pic or profile but some don’t give a damn where the attention comes from…

 

The initial vetting process is crucial and if you don’t exactly know who you are, what your priorities are and what type of woman you are wanting to attract and you go and create a bunch of generic messages and expect women of any quality to read hundreds of “hey I like to go to the movies” or “Hey I like the beach…” of Hey I love to go to poetry slams…..” basic, meaningless, cookie cutter messages what reason would they have to respond to that?

 

Do people look in the mirror and ask themselves (men or women) would I date me? And if you ask yourself that question what are the reasons why you would date yourself, what do you bring to the table of a relationship?

 

Do you have style, sense of humor, looks, personality, nice hair, teeth, a career, cool car, well read, talent, do you come from a stable family, do you have a stable relationship history… whatever.

 

It is not about the dating site, or men being screwed up or women being screwed up…

When life is seemingly not working we have to take self-inventory and maybe fix ourselves.

[LookAtThisPOst]

You are a simple commodity, if you decide to put your pic and profile on a dating site you are just another can of beans and unless your label is cool or creative you will get over looked.

 

The definition of what is cool and creative is quite subjective to those doing the scrutinizing.

 

Believe you me, I've done my share of cool and creative initial emails considering the "Hey" or "You're hawt, let's go out!" emails I hear aabout women getting...I've done the opposite and crafted emails that catered to the specifics in their profile.

 

I think I mentioned earlier regarding, let's say, kayaking and hiking...when I would see this is something a woman likes...I would ask them...

 

"Hey, I enjoy going paddling at the <name of park> on the <name of river>...what are some of your favorite hiking or camping parks/rivers?

 

A lot of emails are still catering to the particulars...chances are if they are STILL not replying, they were just BS'ing the masses about their true interest in the hobby...as they probably went kayaking twice in their lifetime.

 

So really? Who is the least interesting one here?

[LookAtThisPOst]

When life is seemingly not working we have to take self-inventory and maybe fix ourselves.

 

Agreed...it appears a lot of people on these dating sites have such unrealistic expectations when it comes to dating that they purposely FIND a reason not to date them.

 

They need to fix THAT about themselves.

[Emilia]

Thank you! It does seem like women don't seem as affected by being ignored on OLD as much as men are, I suppose that's why I'm so curious as to the male perspective - where, and why does it differ?

 

A lot of men on OLD are different from the guys that are confident enough to socialise in real life. They have trouble establishing a connection with women so silence or rejection are magnified. They are also more likely to post on messaging boards. I know one guy in real life that posts and that's on a sport related forum. Most younger males wouldn't be seen dead here.

[Emilia]

 

"Hey, I enjoy going paddling at the <name of park> on the <name of river>...what are some of your favorite hiking or camping parks/rivers?

 

A lot of emails are still catering to the particulars...chances are if they are STILL not replying, they were just BS'ing the masses about their true interest in the hobby...as they probably went kayaking twice in their lifetime.

 

So really? Who is the least interesting one here?

 

Giving a stranger specifics on real life location are against security advice. You shouldn't ask and I would never tell a man who has seen my photos where I hang out in real life. I wouldn't even respond.

[losangelena]

Or, they could like kayaking, but just not want to talk to you.

 

Believe it or not, some women choose to go the ignore route because even a simple, "thanks, I'm not interested" can elicit a nasty, negative reaction from the man getting rejected. Maybe none of you partake in that habit, but it happens, so sometimes silence is the best option.

 

Like I said in an earlier post, I messaged guys too and got ignored. In fact, I cannot remember one single time where an uninterested guy bothered to say anything. Ever. What's up with that then, huh? Am I to conclude that the vast majority of men are simply doing OLD for an ego boost? That's funny, cos I just always assumed they weren't interested.

[Larryville]

I think I mentioned earlier regarding, let's say, kayaking and hiking...when I would see this is something a woman likes...I would ask them...

"Hey, I enjoy going paddling at the <name of park> on the <name of river>...what are some of your favorite hiking or camping parks/rivers?

A lot of emails are still catering to the particulars...chances are if they are STILL not replying, they were just BS'ing the masses about their true interest in the hobby...

 

Absolutely correct.

 

Thing is depending on the age of object of interest if a woman says “I like the beach…” how is this relevant to someone who lives in Iowa? If you are talking about a young woman who lets say is 20 something, in school, working to she is not going to the beach on a daily basis.

Pick your activity if a woman has a whole bunch of hobbies you have to ask yourself is she really engaging in all of that stuff or is it subterfuge?

 

“I play tennis…” I like to ice skate… but they live in Cali or Arizona…

I want to travel to Europe... but has financial issues

 

Any dating profile with a whole bunch of superficial crap is subject to scrutiny.

 

I messaged guys too and got ignored. In fact, I cannot remember one single time where an uninterested guy bothered to say anything. Ever. What's up with that then, huh? Am I to conclude that the vast majority of men are simply doing OLD for an ego boost?

 

I will always try to at least say thank you for the message or interest and be polite…. Will admit the time that I did not reply was when frankly someone so seriously jacked up messaged me…

 

Horrible OLD pic, a smoker when I CLEARLY said in my profile no smoking. Seriously overweight, a bunch of kids still at home (said no kids) bottom line when women clearly did not read my profile.

[losangelena]

I will always try to at least say thank you for the message or interest and be polite…. Will admit the time that I did not reply was when frankly someone so seriously jacked up messaged me…

 

Horrible OLD pic, a smoker when I CLEARLY said in my profile no smoking. Seriously overweight, a bunch of kids still at home (said no kids) bottom line when women clearly did not read my profile.

 

Sooooo, by that logic, a disinterested woman who does not reply politely to you is rude, entitled and/or attention-seeking, but you feel fully justified in ignoring a woman who you consider to be "seriously jacked up?"

 

Maybe the women who don't message you back think you're jacked up.