Boyfriend blocked me

[Omitsuki]

Bf and I had been going out for 2 years. We were affectionate and full of love. The problem we had was that we hardly voiced issues and when the issues finally caught up with us, we gunnysacked each other and it was all too much. We broke up for two months and got back together because we missed each other dearly.

 

His frame of mind is that this is a new relationship, new start. I agree partly, but that the old issues are still here so we have to solve them otherwise we'll just breakup again. I've changed my way of addressing conflict drastically now and try to be rational and not emotional. I no longer avoid bringing up issues that concern me one at a time and requests that he do the same. Never was I accusatory, I made sure about that. I want us to solve the old issues to have a better foundation to build a new relationship on. He hasn't taken nicely to that. I admit I was too hasty - this is our 2nd week back together, we solved one issue last week and it was mentally taxing (he was angry during the discussion but was back to OK afterwards). I voiced another concern a few days ago and he was also angry. After the discussion I asked him if he would like to cool down (as he was still angry) and we could talk any issues he has when he wants.

 

The next morning he's blocked me on WhatsApp. It's been more then 48 hours, does cooling off take that long? I'm not going to initiate contact through other means since the block pretty much means that he doesn't want me to talk to him. In our previous relationship, we felt warm and fuzzy because we didn't discuss the negatives. Now that I address them it toxicates the new relationship. How could I improve on that? Should I have waited longer before we discuss them? I didn't want them to snowball like previously. I made sure to be rational when addressing them too but he always ends up being emotional and angry. Do you think he'll unblock when he's ready or has he had enough "drama" and has had enough of me?

[d0nnivain]

I think that your BF has poor conflict resolution skills. Since you didn't fix the issues that drove you apart the 1st time, I they are breaking you again.

[Omitsuki]

In our discussion last week he did stonewall and cut me off and I'd told him that's not a good way to handle conflict. This time he didn't stonewall during the fight.. But after

Currently it's not exactly the same issues breaking us apart (it will in the future if not addressed), more like me wanting to resolve them stirs up negative feelings and he feels like it's a lot drama.

[ExpatInItaly]

The relationship isn't going to work this time around either if he shuts you out every time there's conflict. Cooling off is one thing; stonewalling your partner is something else. His behaviour indicates he doesn't want to deal with the issues. He appears to think that's all been swept under the rug and it's a fresh start. But we can't just erase history like that.

 

For the moment, I would stop trying to reach out. He is behaving immaturely and you won't get very far with him in that state of mind. But I would seriously reconsider whether this relationship has legs.

[Omitsuki]

In his defence I guess if you start a new relationship with someone new and they start raising issues in the first two weeks, people would run away asap.

 

Maybe I should've waited longer before mentioning? It was bothering me a lot but perhaps I should've waited a few more weeks?

 

Yes when we broke up 2 months ago he mentioned he wanted us to get back together later; new start, no baggage. Sadly I don't think it works that way.

[smackie9]

I have a question.....what were these issues about?? This could be a key factor in determining how we can proceed with our advice to help you.

[Lorenza]

Sounds like you're so used to walking on egg shells for him so much that you don't dare to look reality in it's eyes.

 

First off, this is not a new relationship - it's the same old relationship with the same guy and the same issues. It's of course very convenient for him to call it new - in that way he can nullify all the past issues he couldn't deal with facing. But you see yourself that things pile up and I think you're right addressing them (it's not too early, you've been together for 2 years for god's sake). Don't let his irrational behavior convince you that you're wrong.

 

Secondly, a strong deffensive reaction and innability to deal with problems might mean that he takes it as personal criticism. I don't know what issues you guys have, but it's very common for insecure guys to get angry and in a defensive mode. You should be able to talk freely and believe me, you won't be able to carry on camouflaging the issues and playing loving and fuzzy couple forever - it's just an illusion. But you can't force him to grow a pair and deal with things if he doesn't want to. Do you really want a relationship with such a high price - love and affection only IF you are a good girl and keep your mouth shut?

[Omitsuki]

I have a question.....what were these issues about??.

 

There's quite a lot of issues leading to the breakup. Big ones like him wanting to start a family but I've just started a post grad course and even after the course I'm uncertain if I can meet his financial needs to start a family. Different attitudes regarding money - he's a petty scorer and would remember if his friend didn't chip in for a meal for months; whereas I'm more of a we'll-get-even-over-time sort of person. It used to drive me crazy how he would try and calculate/split everything; even for our first hotel night he looked at the hotel website for pricing and offered to pay me back half which I refused as I think it's very unromantic. And he expects other people to behave like himself. But i want a partnership where the line isn't so drawn, otherwise I'd feel like roomates. We've talked about this and came to the conclusion that that's his core personality, I'd have to accommodate. Other issues such as communication style, setting boundaries with friends of the opposite sex, him taking it very personally when I say no to something he suggests that I regard as a bad idea (he rejects me too but I don't take it personally), and many other minor issues. He had a big one for me, which was that he doesn't see me as wife material. And I admit given my situation I'm not ready to be a wife yet.

 

The ones that can't be solved now (big future ones) we're leaving them for now. The super small ones are not worth mentioning yet. I'd been been bringing up ones that bother me enough but he regards them as drama, and said that I'm purposely bringing things up to get over him, to sabotage the relationship.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, to be very honest, I can't fathom why you two got back together. The issues you described are not minor ones. You two have some fundamental incompatibilities. It sounds like you're doing most of the compromising, which isn't a partnership.

 

Sorry, but I think this relationship was toast long before you reconciled.

[Lorenza]

There's quite a lot of issues leading to the breakup. Big ones like him wanting to start a family but I've just started a post grad course and even after the course I'm uncertain if I can meet his financial needs to start a family. Different attitudes regarding money - he's a petty scorer and would remember if his friend didn't chip in for a meal for months; whereas I'm more of a we'll-get-even-over-time sort of person. It used to drive me crazy how he would try and calculate/split everything; even for our first hotel night he looked at the hotel website for pricing and offered to pay me back half which I refused as I think it's very unromantic. And he expects other people to behave like himself. But i want a partnership where the line isn't so drawn, otherwise I'd feel like roomates. We've talked about this and came to the conclusion that that's his core personality, I'd have to accommodate. Other issues such as communication style, setting boundaries with friends of the opposite sex, him taking it very personally when I say no to something he suggests that I regard as a bad idea (he rejects me too but I don't take it personally), and many other minor issues. He had a big one for me, which was that he doesn't see me as wife material. And I admit given my situation I'm not ready to be a wife yet.

 

The ones that can't be solved now (big future ones) we're leaving them for now. The super small ones are not worth mentioning yet. I'd been been bringing up ones that bother me enough but he regards them as drama, and said that I'm purposely bringing things up to get over him, to sabotage the relationship.

 

You want something he can't give you and he wants something you can't give him. Both settling down for an unhappy, unfulfilled relationship. Why?

 

You are not sabotaging the relationship, you're sabotaging yourself by being in this relationship. These issues are just waaaaay too big to be solved...

[Omitsuki]

It only sounds like I'm the one compromising because I'm telling it from my side. He's done a lot for me too, sticking by my side during tough times.

 

All couples have differences that they have to sort out. Even if I meet a new guy there'll be other main differences between us, there's never going to be a perfect match. When bf voiced that he doesn't see me as wife material, he said he believes I can change but it'll take time and he's willing to wait. The money issue I can compromise.

[katiegrl]

It only sounds like I'm the one compromising because I'm telling it from my side. He's done a lot for me too, sticking by my side during tough times.

 

All couples have differences that they have to sort out. Even if I meet a new guy there'll be other main differences between us, there's never going to be a perfect match.

 

 

 

 

-----

 

*** When bf voiced that he doesn't see me as wife material, he said he believes I can change but it'll take time and he's willing to wait. The money issue I can compromise.

 

What does he want you to change before he considers you *wife material*?

 

Jmo, but you shouldn't have to change yourself to suit some guy's idea of what a wife is supposed to be.

 

He either loves you and accepts you, is committed to you... or he's not.

 

Same for you about him.

 

You have issues, you discuss like adults and hopefully resolve.

 

If you can't, you move on.

 

I wouldn't last two weeks with this bozo, let alone two years, seriously.

 

This is not what a healthy RL looks like, sorry.

Edited March 13, 2016 by katiegrl

[Satu]

Trying not to talk about things is very hard work, and not a good way to resolve conflict.

 

I know because I tried it...

 

Some couples communicate well, and some don't.

 

Couples can get better at it, but it takes time and willingness.

 

I'm not sure that he's willing.

[Ferret]

In his defence I guess if you start a new relationship with someone new and they start raising issues in the first two weeks, people would run away asap.

 

Maybe I should've waited longer before mentioning? It was bothering me a lot but perhaps I should've waited a few more weeks?

 

Yes when we broke up 2 months ago he mentioned he wanted us to get back together later; new start, no baggage. Sadly I don't think it works that way.

 

 

It wasn't a "new relationship" it was a old one with old issues wrapped up in a shiny new package to think other wise is immature..you cant put a shiny new band aid on a festering old sore that hasn't been treated and expect it not to continue to create serious problems..

[Omitsuki]

I did ask what he meant by "wife material" and he had trouble expressing it in words. I think he meant I'm not dependable enough. Way before he talked of this issue, I raised the issue that I think he suits someone motherly (wording sounds bad but I meant a female who likes taking care of others, likes organising things), to which he declined (possibly because of the "mother" wording). I think these two issues are possibly related. I know I'm not a motherly person but I can be dependable. Will have to ask him which he means.. If he unblocks me.

[Ferret]

There's quite a lot of issues leading to the breakup. Big ones like him wanting to start a family but I've just started a post grad course and even after the course I'm uncertain if I can meet his financial needs to start a family. Different attitudes regarding money - he's a petty scorer and would remember if his friend didn't chip in for a meal for months; whereas I'm more of a we'll-get-even-over-time sort of person. It used to drive me crazy how he would try and calculate/split everything; even for our first hotel night he looked at the hotel website for pricing and offered to pay me back half which I refused as I think it's very unromantic. And he expects other people to behave like himself. But i want a partnership where the line isn't so drawn, otherwise I'd feel like roomates. We've talked about this and came to the conclusion that that's his core personality, I'd have to accommodate. Other issues such as communication style, setting boundaries with friends of the opposite sex, him taking it very personally when I say no to something he suggests that I regard as a bad idea (he rejects me too but I don't take it personally), and many other minor issues. He had a big one for me, which was that he doesn't see me as wife material. And I admit given my situation I'm not ready to be a wife yet.

 

The ones that can't be solved now (big future ones) we're leaving them for now. The super small ones are not worth mentioning yet. I'd been been bringing up ones that bother me enough but he regards them as drama, and said that I'm purposely bringing things up to get over him, to sabotage the relationship.

 

 

These issues are not "small ones" it sounds like you two are totally different people at your cores some times that can be over come some times not. Its not sounding like its working..why are you trying to fit a square peg into a round hole so badly? You can find some one who shares your life views or is at least more willing to be open to them and things can be better..

[Omitsuki]

It wasn't a "new relationship" it was a old one with old issues wrapped up in a shiny new package.

 

That's what I think too. But my error was possibly voicing them out to hastily, not giving him enough breathing room. During the 2 month break some of our feelings have lessened due to time doing its thing. When we went back in, it does feel kind of new and we were not straight to close intimate. So voicing negative things out during the initial period would put a damper on things.

[katiegrl]

I did ask what he meant by "wife material" and he had trouble expressing it in words. I think he meant I'm not dependable enough. Way before he talked of this issue, I raised the issue that I think he suits someone motherly (wording sounds bad but I meant a female who likes taking care of others, likes organising things), to which he declined (possibly because of the "mother" wording). I think these two issues are possibly related. I know I'm not a motherly person but I can be dependable. Will have to ask him which he means.. If he unblocks me.

 

Again, jmo but there is only one reason why a man doesn't consider a woman wife material ...and that is...

 

He doesn't love her enough ... if at all.

 

Sorry, but he's stringing you along.

 

He has no intention of marrying you. Ever.

 

His excuses for not are just that - excuses.

 

I am sorry to be so blunt about it, but the sooner you realize this the better.

 

There is someone else much better for you out there. ...end it for good with this one and go find him!

 

Your current RL is on a long rocky road to .....nowhere.

 

Again, I'm sorry.

[Omitsuki]

These issues are not "small ones" it sounds like you two are totally different people at your cores some times that can be over come some times not. Its not sounding like its working.

 

Yes, I think it can work out if he's more open to discussion and not just wanting to talk about the positive things. When I voice our differences he views that as me saying negative things and wanting him to break it off. He usually becomes rather quiet when I mention these things, like he doesn't want to think about them.

I think we can overcome issues but it'll be hard work on both sides. I'm willing to try because I do love him.

[basil67]

The two of you put the cart before the horse. The way to do it is only get back together if you can sort out the issues first.

 

And the poster who said that this isn't a new relationship is right on the money. It's the same relationship with the same problems.

[Omitsuki]

Again, jmo but there is only one reason why a man doesn't consider a woman wife material ...and that is...

 

He doesn't love her enough ... if at all.

 

Sorry, but he's stringing you along.

 

He has no intention of marrying you. Ever.

 

His excuses for not are just that - excuses.

 

I am sorry to be so blunt about it, but the sooner you realize this the better.

 

There is someone else much better for you out there. ...end it for good with this one and go find him!

 

Your current RL is on a long rocky road to .....nowhere.

 

Again, I'm sorry.

 

He does want to marry and start a family. The problem lies with me not being ready financially or mentally yet. That's the reason why he's so frustrated. That part I can't solve until I've at least graduated. He is willing to wait.

[basil67]

Yes, I think it can work out if he's more open to discussion and not just wanting to talk about the positive things. When I voice our differences he views that as me saying negative things and wanting him to break it off. He usually becomes rather quiet when I mention these things, like he doesn't want to think about them.

I think we can overcome issues but it'll be hard work on both sides. I'm willing to try because I do love him.

 

Thing is though, when there are *so many* issues, people most often will get fed up with all the discussions. When there are many issues, it really comes down to us needing them to be a different person.

 

A good relationship really involves people being able to accept the partner for who they are. This works both ways.

[katiegrl]

He does want to marry and start a family. The problem lies with me not being ready financially or mentally yet. That's the reason why he's so frustrated. That part I can't solve until I've at least graduated. He is willing to wait.

 

Okay now I'm confused.

 

On one hand, you say he doesn't consider you wife material, maybe because he doesn't think you're dependable, or nurturing (motherly) enough, who knows why, whatever.

 

Then on the other hand, you say he *does* want to marry and start a family (I presume with you)?

 

It can't be both hun, unless I'm missing something?

[joseb]

I think we can overcome issues but it'll be hard work on both sides. I'm willing to try because I do love him.

 

Sometimes love isn't enough OP.

If it's minor differences people can work through them.

In your cases, it's major differences. I really think you two are not compatible at all. You have just become a bit dependent on each other.

He wants to start a family...you don't.

And he doesn't see you as wife material?! Honestly, I wouldn't say that to anyone I saw a future with.

 

The time to address these major differences (and I'm not sure they even can be addressed) was before you got back together. Nothing has changed, except I suspect he has played around a bit and maybe found it hard work so is taking you back. For now.

[joseb]

Okay now I'm confused.

 

On one hand, you say he doesn't consider you wife material, maybe because he doesn't think you're dependable, or nurturing (motherly) enough, who knows why, whatever.

 

Then on the other hand, you say he *does* want to marry and start a family (I presume with you)?

 

It can't be both hun, unless I'm missing something?

 

Sounds like he wants to start a family, just not with her.