How do I work through this!!

[euiegreen]

Hi Everyone,

 

2 years ago I started seeing a woman who I had briefly met 5 years prior and things started off great. 2 Years before I had recently gone through a divorce and was questioning everything about myself but this woman made me feel good.

 

I guess you could say I had pretty severe commitment/self esteem/confidence issues on the back of my previous breakup, but this woman wholeheartedly understood and stuck by me.

 

For almost the whole two years I knocked her back, i belittled her, i said things that hurt her, I resented her for things, and I did things out of spite. I made reference on many occasions that we would ever be anything, there would be no picket fences or children, basically i told myself that the relationship was going nowhere before it began.

 

I broke up with her 3 months ago over text message after a huge argument as I was about to get on a flight away for work. The second I was removed from the situation and actually thought about the fact that I was going to be coming home to an empty house, I freaked out and begged her stay.

 

For a month or so we still saw each other and tried to talk, tried to work through some things but the arguments just got worse. Many tears were shed and it was terrible.

 

Only after realizing she is not there has it clicked to me that I have been abusing her and for some absolutely f***ed up reason, I could not see it when i was in the relationship. I reflect on things I said and did, I can see how absent and useless I was. How could so much time pass without me seeing it. Yet her still sticking by me and saying that she believed in me and I needed help.

 

It seems it isn't enough to know in your heart that you dont want to hurt someone you care for but looking back, I've done nothing but.

 

Ive come to these realizations and they have hit me like a goddamn tonne of bricks and I am going through what seems to be a bit of a breakdown because of it. Im seeing a psychologist because for me the pain is unbearable. The loss of the relationship makes complete sense - she is better off without me, but how in the hell did I not see what was happening while I was in the relationship.

 

I feel absolutely ashamed and embarrassed and I just want to curl up and die!

 

She has offered her support as she understands that I have been suffering from depression, but all I am seeing is a chance to be back with her. I text her constantly (when I know I shouldnt) I guess I subconsciously hang on to the fact that she does understand and she does genuinely care!

 

The other side of the coin is.. is there an element of co dependence there? She is a very smart, intelligent and kind woman and as much as I feel like a piece of work for how ive treated her, she is still understanding.

 

I want to get better and I want to vow that this kind of behavior will never happen again but it almost feels like I have to discuss it with her in order to make sense of it... I am absolutely dying... The breakup is the easiest part to accept but its the elements that lead to it which are destroying me!

 

Please tell me someone understands this!??!

[Satu]

Decide who you really want to be and rebuild yourself into the image of that person.

[euiegreen]

Its going to be such a long road and there is an element that gives me hope that she will be there at the end. Maybe that view is not healthy but it is what is motivating me. Am I setting myself up for further heartbreak.

 

She said she would be checking in with me in a few days to see how I am going and all I want to do is talk with her. I actually love this woman with all my heart but only realized it after it was over. She says she doesn't feel it anymore and expects that I understand. Of course I do but all I think about is her.

 

She told me she was sick the other day and was struggling a bit. I offered that she come over in order to be more comfortable even after putting everything aside, of course I care for her and want her to be better. She said she flat out did not want to see me and that hurt.

 

My friends have explained that this process now has to be about me but all I want to do is show her that I am on the right path and getting the help that I need. I feel though that her view is simply that I am throwing my toys around because she is gone. Some people are married during the course of a relationship this long and I can't honestly see how she would take the chance on me again. I hope she does.

 

The urge to call and talk with her is unbearable and I haven't respected her wishes to leave her alone. This is day one. She still has my house keys and I just wait and hope she will show up to visit one day soon.

 

All the forums and cliches say that you should cut ties with your ex (i'm talking from her end) I am ultimately an abuser and this will happen sooner or later but I miss her so much and would do anything to have her at my side while I work through this.

 

Thankyou for your support.