How do I cope? How do I get over this?

[Janedoe0120]

I dated this guy for 6-7 months. He was a mutual friend who happens to work with me. This guy used to leave chocolates at my desk, notes, etc. about two years prior to when we started dating but I was not interested as I already had a boyfriend at the time. He also, began dating a girl who works in my department, however their relationship was always on-and-off. One Monday in mid May 2015, we were both at this get-together at a friend's house. I was single at the time, he was ending a relationship with the girl that is in my department. We began talking to each other. He told me he was done with her and that he was no longer interested in anything with that person, he removed all of his belongings from her home. I always felt as if he was lying but I couldn't catch him in action. We broke up a couple of times but each time he would come back and say that he wanted to be with me and wanted to make things work. Things would be good for two weeks then he would act strange again. I would always think there was something going on, he would tell me that I was just being insecure and that I couldn't let go of it. The girl would tell my friends that he would show up at her house banging on her door, that they would go to the beach together, and that when we would break up, he would take days off to match her schedule. Which I did always find that strange, but he would always say that it was all in my head and so would his family, constantly telling me I needed to stop assuming things. After one night that I broke up with him after seeing a missed call in his phone from her, he of course, said she couldn't get over him and that he had no part of that. I didn't believe him so I broke it off. To be certain, I did what any desperate woman in need of confirmation would do, I waited for him to leave the next morning. Sure enough, she left his place and from his confirmation when we spoke, it was a one time thing that he was mad at me and whatnot. His apology seemed sincere so I took him back. Then we take a trip for Valentine's Day and we argue on the trip. Since he came back, I noticed he was acting strange. He said it was because he was tired of fighting and that it wears him out, he told me he is sick of me having the insecurity of his ex. She would go around work telling people how they would be together so it would get back to me. I then became upset as I saw him making tea for her one afternoon, he said it was nothing, that it was jut tea. But he had told me this last time when we spoke that she was out of his life. I felt Things weren't adding up. So again, we argued. I always feel like he doesn't want to be around me in her presence and I don't feel that he does the necessary, Eventhough I've asked him to do certain things many times, for him to finally get the point across to her that we are dating, still. So now, he broke up with me because he says that I let my insecurities always overpower everything and we fight so much because of it, that he is tired of arguing. He said he wanted to be alone and didn't want to date anyone for now, including anyone from his past. He was extremely rude to me during the breakup and disrespectful. Now I find out that they were sleeping together again. This girl tries to make my life a living hell every chance that she gets, constantly rubbing it in my face that they are sleeping together and again, he took days off to match her schedule. I feel horrible, I feel so betrayed and I don't know how to deal with the cynicism.

[Dis]

I dated this guy for 6-7 months. He was a mutual friend who happens to work with me. This guy used to leave chocolates at my desk, notes, etc. about two years prior to when we started dating but I was not interested as I already had a boyfriend at the time. He also, began dating a girl who works in my department, however their relationship was always on-and-off. One Monday in mid May 2015, we were both at this get-together at a friend's house. I was single at the time, he was ending a relationship with the girl that is in my department. We began talking to each other. He told me he was done with her and that he was no longer interested in anything with that person, he removed all of his belongings from her home. I always felt as if he was lying but I couldn't catch him in action. We broke up a couple of times but each time he would come back and say that he wanted to be with me and wanted to make things work. Things would be good for two weeks then he would act strange again. I would always think there was something going on, he would tell me that I was just being insecure and that I couldn't let go of it. The girl would tell my friends that he would show up at her house banging on her door, that they would go to the beach together, and that when we would break up, he would take days off to match her schedule. Which I did always find that strange, but he would always say that it was all in my head and so would his family, constantly telling me I needed to stop assuming things. After one night that I broke up with him after seeing a missed call in his phone from her, he of course, said she couldn't get over him and that he had no part of that. I didn't believe him so I broke it off. To be certain, I did what any desperate woman in need of confirmation would do, I waited for him to leave the next morning. Sure enough, she left his place and from his confirmation when we spoke, it was a one time thing that he was mad at me and whatnot. His apology seemed sincere so I took him back. Then we take a trip for Valentine's Day and we argue on the trip. Since he came back, I noticed he was acting strange. He said it was because he was tired of fighting and that it wears him out, he told me he is sick of me having the insecurity of his ex. She would go around work telling people how they would be together so it would get back to me. I then became upset as I saw him making tea for her one afternoon, he said it was nothing, that it was jut tea. But he had told me this last time when we spoke that she was out of his life. I felt Things weren't adding up. So again, we argued. I always feel like he doesn't want to be around me in her presence and I don't feel that he does the necessary, Eventhough I've asked him to do certain things many times, for him to finally get the point across to her that we are dating, still. So now, he broke up with me because he says that I let my insecurities always overpower everything and we fight so much because of it, that he is tired of arguing. He said he wanted to be alone and didn't want to date anyone for now, including anyone from his past. He was extremely rude to me during the breakup and disrespectful. Now I find out that they were sleeping together again. This girl tries to make my life a living hell every chance that she gets, constantly rubbing it in my face that they are sleeping together and again, he took days off to match her schedule. I feel horrible, I feel so betrayed and I don't know how to deal with the cynicism.

 

This guy obviously strung you along, and you allowed him to. He is not deserving of your time or energy. Let him go, block his number if you can, go complete NC. I know it hurts but the sooner you accept he will never be able to give you what you need, that he will only bring you hurt, the sooner you will heal. Let that other girl deal with his bs. I'm sure their relationship is far from perfect. Detach yourself from him, let him go. I know its a painful thing to do but in the end you will be so much better off. It gets better, it really does. As long as you completely cut him out, you will be able to move on and heal. Hang in there hon!

[ExpatInItaly]

This guy is a player.

 

He was obviously dating both of you; your insecurities and suspicions were not all in your head. He was telling you that to manipulate you into staying with him. He was just mad you could see right through him and potentially cut off his convenient supply of intimacy.

 

Do not respond to him anymore. Don't text him, call him or otherwise speak to him, barring any professional situations in which you must be around him.

 

As for this other girl, ignore her. She'll get tired of gloating when she sees she's getting no reaction. I realize this is easier said than done, but she will eventually lay off. He'll do it to her again anyway; if she thinks you were the only potential threat to her "relationship," she is badly mistaken. The reason she is boasting right now is because she is insecure and knows this high won't last long. She's his Fallback Girl, for heaven's sake. He'll be running around again in no time.

 

In the future, listen to your gut. You knew something wasn't right with him. Breaking up and getting back together (repeatedly) within just a few months of dating is a sign of big trouble, too. Of course he's going to blame it all on you, and of course his family is going to stick up for him (How did they even know about all of this?) But you now know your instincts are spot-on, which will help you avoid men like this down the road.

[Jersey born raised]

You cope by accepting he only gave you the illusion of what you want and will never give you the real thing.

 

Accept it is not you-it is him