Life is dull...how to remove my exgf from the pedestal?

[essai0506]

Hi guys,

I won't go into all the details of my breakup. It was mostly related due to the circumstances: a 2 years relationship became long distance (USA-France) + timing (about marriage and child) + tradition/religion (she has a very traditional family).

Anyways, we loved each other and we were such a great team. We shared valuable time together and very strong life experiences (humanitarian work).

She finally decided to break-up after 12 months of distance relationship. We did not find a compromise. Very hard breakup for both of us but I suppose that the pressure of the age made her make the call.

She broke up last June, we exchanged some emails until december when she informed me that she started dating someone (to be honest and up front with me). I was shattered.

I now feel a bit better but only to a certain level. I loved that our humanitarian experience was the foundation of our couple. It made us understand things other people would not. But now I don't have the energy to go again live more exhausting humanitarian experiences to "maybe" meet someone else.

I find life dull and I'm having a very hard time to think that I can succeed in replacing her. I feel like I will be with someone else only by default. And I don't want that.

How do I remove her from the pedestal where I put her? I tried to list her defects to focus on it but really, there are really not many... and compared to what we built and the team we were, these few defects are a detail.

Any suggestion to be able to open myself and fall in love again? Why am I so stuck into our healthy and beautiful relationship?

Any help welcome. I'm 35 and I feel so sad to have to start over again. That was my first very serious relationship (we considered marriage) and I'm afraid I won't meet anyone else as good as her. Also I'm anxious to continue single and sad in my late 30s because I feel like I became so demanding after having met a girl like her.

Thanks in advance for your inputs.

[NolaLeForte]

I think the crux of your problem right now is that you’re comparing everything and everyone else to your ex, when in reality, if you’re constantly comparing everyone to her, you won’t give yourself or anyone the chance to see or consider the possibilities of what could be.

 

If you don’t want to go on any more humanitarian missions or journeys, then don’t! The best time to meet someone is when is you are being 100% you, doing what you love. Humanitarian work is tough stuff. If you’re going out there with the hope of replacing her you’re just going to put pressure on yourself and you’ll end up frustrated and exhausted. Also, nobody wants to be in a relationship with someone they know is constantly comparing them to someone else. Everyone is a unique individual and basing everything on comparison will only block you from really getting to know someone and appreciating them for who they are, which is the foundation of a relationship to begin with!

 

You need to enjoy your life as it is- and the dullness won’t stop until you find a way to do that. What are some other things that get you fired up? What do you enjoy? What other passions do you have? What do you want to fill that empty space left from the relationship with? You shared all those great experiences with your ex, and if you’re not making those new experiences for yourself, you won’t have anything to share with someone new.

 

Looking for someone to replace what was is never going to satisfy. If your gaze is focused upwards on that pedestal, you’ll never be able to see the path forward.

[essai0506]

I think the crux of your problem right now is that you’re comparing everything and everyone else to your ex, when in reality, if you’re constantly comparing everyone to her, you won’t give yourself or anyone the chance to see or consider the possibilities of what could be.

 

If you don’t want to go on any more humanitarian missions or journeys, then don’t! The best time to meet someone is when is you are being 100% you, doing what you love. Humanitarian work is tough stuff. If you’re going out there with the hope of replacing her you’re just going to put pressure on yourself and you’ll end up frustrated and exhausted. Also, nobody wants to be in a relationship with someone they know is constantly comparing them to someone else. Everyone is a unique individual and basing everything on comparison will only block you from really getting to know someone and appreciating them for who they are, which is the foundation of a relationship to begin with!

 

You need to enjoy your life as it is- and the dullness won’t stop until you find a way to do that. What are some other things that get you fired up? What do you enjoy? What other passions do you have? What do you want to fill that empty space left from the relationship with? You shared all those great experiences with your ex, and if you’re not making those new experiences for yourself, you won’t have anything to share with someone new.

 

Looking for someone to replace what was is never going to satisfy. If your gaze is focused upwards on that pedestal, you’ll never be able to see the path forward.

 

Thanks for your comment and sorry for the delay!

It's true that my mind is totally close to any serious relationship. I feel like no one can compare with the life that we both had together. We created moments that no one else will (humanitarian life which is a beautiful thing to experience together) + we lived together in the most amazing city creating awesome souvenirs there (NYC) + the relationship ended due to timing and long distance circumstances (we never argued and we were a really good team).

The thing is I wished we had ended up differently, on real incompatibility, on an argument or on something that would make me think "oh well, she was not the right one anyways, let's move on". But because what we lived together worked so well, I keep having these thoughts of having missed the best opportunity, just because we were physically separated for too long.

I used to enjoy travelling and so on. But I just can't find it interesting anymore if not shared with the one I love. As if the things that motivated me in the past now need to be shared because I experienced it when it is shared with love. And I realized that doing things on your own is just boring...

Why does she look so perfect now? Is it because I can't have her? Or because I miss our moments? I'm not sure if my eyes are only open now about how amazing was what we had or if it is my brain that is polluted and makes me not objective at all due to being the dumpee and experiencing the rejection feeling...

I'am afraid that due to how well our relationship worked, we (at least I) will keep remembering about this dream time and relationship we had, especially when I'll face issues in my future relationship.

[keiji]

Why does she look so perfect now? Is it because I can't have her? Or because I miss our moments? I'm not sure if my eyes are only open now about how amazing was what we had or if it is my brain that is polluted and makes me not objective at all due to being the dumpee and experiencing the rejection feeling...

 

I think most dumpees tend to see the dumper in a very distorted manner. It's exactly what I'm going through right now. When we were together, there were lots of things I didn't like about my ex and some that I even found irritating. Now, after four months of breakup and two of NC, she's suddenly the most wonderful, perfect creature to ever grace this planet. It's obvious that our brains are playing tricks on us, but I guess it's part of the process. A few days ago I was "sure" I didn't want her back. Today I'm missing her like crazy and everything about her is wonderful. It obviously doesn't make sense.

[smudge21]

I'd like to add that an added issue her is the fact that you both ended this on a kinder note, there was no cheating or fighting, it was circumstances out of your control. Both of you left when you were both very happy. So now to want her to take her off that pedestal is going to be harder as it's not as if she's done anything to bring it down.

 

 

When we're dumped or left, there's often reasons to it - such as cheating and being hurt, which in turn helps the healing process as we're able to see the real person. We have the image of that perfect ex on that pedestal but in reality they're not like that, and we know it. Seeing their horrible true self helps smash that pedestal to dust, although it can still take time. Your situation is nothing like that.

 

 

Maybe therefore instead of trying to find fault with her (which may only lead to guilt and then more thinking about her good points) you should try and accept how and why this relationship ended. You parted company in a polite respectful way and she has treated you the same since. The fact she's found someone new is not a reflection on you, and I'm sure for her moving on was equally as difficult. It could've gone the other way and you may have found someone before her, then she would be here instead.

 

 

You had a lovely long term relationship and it's really only been since December when you stopped talking, so give the healing process some time. I know it's 3 months but I suffered for nearly a year over a much shorter relationship. We all heal at different times and in different ways. I can tell you that I was around the same age when I first came here, also thinking back then that I'd never meet anyone like her. Well I'm here now because I did meet someone so much better, sadly another LDR that didn't work out, but I take the positive in that you should never say never.

[NolaLeForte]

You’re welcome! I think smudge and keiji are right, since you don’t have anything negative to look back at or be happy to walk away from, trying to find them when you can’t think of any is just going to reaffirm what you are already feeling- that she’s perfect for you, and it’s going to put you back at square one.

 

It probably feels unfair- how many of us wonder if we’ll ever find that special someone that makes us feel complete? You did, and you aren’t able to be with her and now that has been confirmed because she is with someone else.

 

Looking to the past to create the future is going to make an impossible standard. If it didn’t work out between you because it became long distant, that’s just as valid of a reason as any other- it was something that prevented your relationship from progressing and required that you go your separate ways.

 

What you had may have been perfect at the time, but that doesn’t mean its perfect now. Remind yourself of that when you start feeling down- it will take pressure off of you to search for a relationship that can stand up to your ex, and let you think about the future possibilities instead. Moving on is also about letting go.

 

Also, its only been a few months since you found out she’s with someone else, give yourself a break! If you know you’re closed to someone else right now, you don’t need to push yourself. When you’re ready, it will come to you.

[essai0506]

I'd like to add that an added issue her is the fact that you both ended this on a kinder note, there was no cheating or fighting, it was circumstances out of your control. Both of you left when you were both very happy. So now to want her to take her off that pedestal is going to be harder as it's not as if she's done anything to bring it down.

When we're dumped or left, there's often reasons to it - such as cheating and being hurt, which in turn helps the healing process as we're able to see the real person. We have the image of that perfect ex on that pedestal but in reality they're not like that, and we know it. Seeing their horrible true self helps smash that pedestal to dust, although it can still take time. Your situation is nothing like that.

 

Maybe therefore instead of trying to find fault with her (which may only lead to guilt and then more thinking about her good points) you should try and accept how and why this relationship ended. You parted company in a polite respectful way and she has treated you the same since. The fact she's found someone new is not a reflection on you, and I'm sure for her moving on was equally as difficult. It could've gone the other way and you may have found someone before her, then she would be here instead.

 

You had a lovely long term relationship and it's really only been since December when you stopped talking, so give the healing process some time. I know it's 3 months but I suffered for nearly a year over a much shorter relationship. We all heal at different times and in different ways. I can tell you that I was around the same age when I first came here, also thinking back then that I'd never meet anyone like her. Well I'm here now because I did meet someone so much better, sadly another LDR that didn't work out, but I take the positive in that you should never say never.

 

You're right, my situation is not like that. Even though I don't agree with her decision and the fact that she put barriers, making things hard to work in the end, she did not do (as far as I know) anything mean or bad. Although, she kind of let me down when I most needed her but in her mind, I guess she was running out of time and can't take the risk to wait for something that is challenging (both of us from different countries).

When I knew she was dating someone a 4 months after the breakup (she clumsily told me to be honest and up front), I lost my cool and I wrote 2 long emails pouring my heart out, trying to show her we can still make it work, then respecting her decision and wishing her the best. She replied very short but telling me nice things.

I mean we are on good terms, but we just can't be friends for now. I'm sometimes upset she did not make one step for me just because she was afraid it won't work.

So yes, she is on a pedestal and I find no reason to break this pedestal. She is a good person. I am too and she knows it, but she found someone else to forget me. We were a good team. She certainly suffered a great deal to let me go, probably was relieved as well (end of long distance relationship stress), she was probably missing me a lot when I went no contact for 2 months (I suffered even more) and who knows...maybe she'll be a little bit hurt when she'll see me with someone else. I guess that due to my 2 long letters in december, she still consider me as an option, although she would be very afraid to hurt me again.

I actually dated someone as well (rebound) but I did not mention it. I guess I should have. Maybe it would have trigger a reaction from her. Instead of this, reconnecting with her by email gave her the time to move on slowly until she found someone. I should have kept NC but we just missed talking to each other.

In the end, I guess I'll move on a bit more after dating other women but it will take a while to find a girl who can compete with the compatibility we had.

I'm often sad when thinking of all our memories. Sometimes I am happy we have no resentment and a lot of respect. And I like to think that when we'll meet again, we'll give each other a big hug. I don't want us to compare our lives to see who is happier and if our breakup was eventually a good thing. I like the idea that if one day she'll hit rock bottom, she'll reach out and I would tell her nice things to make a feel better. We won't go back together (or maybe in 30 years who knows...) hahah but I like the idea of knowing that we can trust and be there for one another even without contacting for years. Oh well, I just can't let go people I loved.

Thanks for your message. It's reassuring that we can still fall in love again. Strangely I really enjoy international relationships but LDR is so hard...

[essai0506]

I think most dumpees tend to see the dumper in a very distorted manner. It's exactly what I'm going through right now. When we were together, there were lots of things I didn't like about my ex and some that I even found irritating. Now, after four months of breakup and two of NC, she's suddenly the most wonderful, perfect creature to ever grace this planet. It's obvious that our brains are playing tricks on us, but I guess it's part of the process. A few days ago I was "sure" I didn't want her back. Today I'm missing her like crazy and everything about her is wonderful. It obviously doesn't make sense.

 

Same feelings here. But when I try to be more objective (e.g. making a list of bad things), well she still is a great person hahah

We have the same values and she is just appreciate by a lot of people. Her flaws are just very small things like we all have.

Sometimes, I wish she had did something really bad so that I could think "what a bad person!" but no. She is just one of the good one.

Of course, my brain is increasing this feeling.

If she'd reach out now to apologize, I'm not sure I would try and go back with her (I lost trust when she broke up) but every day I miss her so much. I miss our moments. And I freak out thinking her life is moving on with a new guy while my life does not change.

Good luck Keiji! Hopefully we'll get through that stronger and we'll find love again.

[essai0506]

You’re welcome! I think smudge and keiji are right, since you don’t have anything negative to look back at or be happy to walk away from, trying to find them when you can’t think of any is just going to reaffirm what you are already feeling- that she’s perfect for you, and it’s going to put you back at square one.

 

It probably feels unfair- how many of us wonder if we’ll ever find that special someone that makes us feel complete? You did, and you aren’t able to be with her and now that has been confirmed because she is with someone else.

 

Looking to the past to create the future is going to make an impossible standard. If it didn’t work out between you because it became long distant, that’s just as valid of a reason as any other- it was something that prevented your relationship from progressing and required that you go your separate ways.

 

What you had may have been perfect at the time, but that doesn’t mean its perfect now. Remind yourself of that when you start feeling down- it will take pressure off of you to search for a relationship that can stand up to your ex, and let you think about the future possibilities instead. Moving on is also about letting go.

 

Also, its only been a few months since you found out she’s with someone else, give yourself a break! If you know you’re closed to someone else right now, you don’t need to push yourself. When you’re ready, it will come to you.

 

For sure looking at the past (the best moments) and worrying about the future are always the worse things to do. But we're just human and there is no way to not think of her. Thinking that we'd still be together without this distance is even more frustrating. I guess I need more time...much more...and hopefully something is going to come along. But now was the perfect timing in my life to settle down, especially with someone like her with who I shared some of my most intense moments.

Back to square one...

[Empire87]

I think part of your issue here stems from the fact that she was your first serious relationship. So you're basically experiencing what most people go through during their late teens and 20's , at a later stage in your life. Had you been 24 and broken up, you would have been upset but eventually attracted to someone else and then that excitement starts again inside you where you realize that your ex isn't the only "perfect" girl in the world for you.

 

You absolutely still will find that out. Just trying to express the fact that you're putting added meaning to her and what you had right now because you don't know where you'll come in contact with anyone else at this point.

You talked about how amazing your "how'd you two meet?" Story was bc of the humanitarian experience.

The advantage you have now is that you can use that experience and what you did, to link up and attract other women with the same backgrounds and interests. A simple OLD profile with a quick backstory about your humanitarian efforts will undoubtedly get you an eventual reply from a girl to the tune of "hey wow I just saw you spent time in Panama doing humanitarian work... I actually just got back after spending 2 years there! What area were you in?" Or something to that regard. You get the point.

 

All you have to do is put that experience out there whether it's OLD or in person when you socialize. You also need to understand that you're not going to replicate that story you had with your ex. And you don't want to. Perhaps you think that's a great way to build a relationship now, but 5 years from now you're telling someone how you met your wife at ____ after she did ___. The blanks are the fun areas to fill that you should let happen naturally.

 

The toughest part of a breakup like this is the first time you know that your ex is with another guy. The images of them being intimate just scorch your brain. Trust me I've been there, it sucks so bad. I had a similar experience with my first serious relationship and love where due to financial circumstances she was forced to move back home to Colorado after graduating college in NY where I lived. We were a couple up until she left, so the feelings and love were still there, but we just knew that the long term thing wouldn't work. Eventually we broke up and i saw she was seeing someone about 9 months later. I fell right back into heartbreak and didn't know what to do with myself.

 

She ended up breaking it off with that guy shortly after and I was so eager to see her that I flew across the country to spend a weekend with her. Let me tell you, that weekend was the weirdest and most eye opening experience I had. The spark just wasn't fully there, she wasn't acting like I was as important to her life as I felt she was to me. I was expecting intimacy and affection, I got a peck on the lips hello and goodbye. I spent the flighty back home listening to songs on my iPod that just jacked me up to get back out there because the world wasn't ending. She wasn't the only girl in the world, and I wasn't going to continue holding onto what we had because the truth was , that's never gonna come back again.

 

The sooner you get to that point, the better you'll be. Once you are out one night or among friends and there's a girl there who you haven't met before and she makes eye contact with you or a cute smile then looks away. You'll get that little jolt of emotion which will be your final confirmation that your ex is a nice, but closed memory you don't carry around any longer