Falling out of love

[gimlynick]

Hey people,

 

This is a nice place to put my emotions in, and maybe some people feel like making a comment about how their situation is/was and how to cope with it...

 

So Ive had a relation of 18 months with my amazing girlfriend. We were very close together but ( for me ) all of a sudden my girlfriend changed very very drasticly and all of a sudden she didn't want to have me anymore as her boyfriend. The situation is insanely complex, so this text will be pretty long!

 

 

It all begun in oktober 2015, I dated a tindermatch, just with the idea of having a good night out and maybe a lil bit more...

The night was good, we kissed and made an agreement for a next date. We had sex on our second date and we agreed to become sexbuddies.

 

We got closer and closer together and all of a sudden, 3 months later, I mentioned her in a drunk state of mind that I fell in love with her. She confirmed that she was aswell so from that day we did stuff as a couple.

We agreed in the beginning that it was not possible to maintain a relationship because I had prepared allready a 6 month trip from july to end december 2015.

 

She couldnt go along with me because of studies so we decided to try to stay together, but kinda in a more open relation. Because in 6 months people have needs...

In those 6 months of travelling nothing happened. We stayed in love with eachother and texted and skyped very very often. We agreed dough about 1 thing, my girlfriend is in some ways bisexual and she found a nice girl to have some sex with. You have to know that our relation was very very sexual, and that my girlfriend needs a lot of sex and is insanely open minded in it. She even doesnt care that I should have sex with other people. For her sex has nothing to do with love. This was a major issue in our time together because she said that sometimes she doesnt trust herself. She was scared to break my heart and really did not want to have sex with someone else.

I didnt have any problems with that girl coming in her life, but if a dick should get in her it would be the end and I would have been really depressed.

After 4 months I had to come back because of injury. I surprised her with this and for 3 weeks we had an amazing time together, being more in love then ever before.

 

After those 3 weeks, when being recovered I had to finish my trip. It was a weird goobye... Even knowing that it was only for 6 weeks.

 

In that last period of travelling a lot has happened. I got serious illness ( typhoid fever and gardia ) and she got messed up with an std ( herpes ).

I returned earlier then usual, needing her more then ever to overcome my illness. At that moment we didnt know that she had an std. She explained me after being back a couple of days and she broke mentally completely.

 

I was kinda jealous and upset but handled in a right way, I protected her and stayed together. She explained me that she did not have sexual contact with anyone else except the girl that I mentioned before and that she was clean. Apparently she got it from a toilet seat in school.

 

Because I was dealing at that moment with a serious illness I could not handle the situation. I didnt see her that often ( this was december/januari ). When I was fine again ( 15 januari ) I restarted work, but now 100 km further from her place then before... So seeing eachother was getting harder but I didnt care about it since I was still in love.

In december, she got a completely new 'hiking friend group' aswell.

 

She got 2 new best friends, 2 guys with whom she has a very good emotional friendship.

 

From december on my girlfriend felt like we were growing out of eachother. I didnt feel like it because I thought it was just normal... We both being sick and dealing with our own problems.

We started having sex in januari again ( because in december her vagina was very messed up because the std and my thingy didnt go up because of being way too ill ).

For me everything was getting back to normal, her std was fine and we even had sex without condom again. For me the relation was back to normal.

What I didnt know was that she was very very upset with the std and was insanely scared to give it to me or her sexgirlfriend. So after sex she allways freaked out, but never showed it to me.

 

In januari she become closer and closer friends with the 2 guys. She says to me that they are really important for her because she can talk really good with them about everything. I was fine with that and didn't see that there was a problem.

On januari 30 we even bought plane tickets to go travelling for 1 month in september in Iceland.

At that time in januari she also went hiking with a group ( including her 2 new friends ). Apparently she got so close with one of the 2 that they masturbated next to eachother. ( she told me this yesterday... 14 days after our break up ).

 

She started seeing the 2 guys a lot, and I saw her less and less. I started seeing this and was getting jealous. Around 14 februari she was suposed to come to my place but she did not. Instead she stayed sleeping at the guy with whom she masturbated with her place and even kissed with him.

Later on I even saw her sexting with him saying ' oh I wish I could suck your dick right now'.

This was on februari 21, then she explained to me that our relation was going down, and that she needs time. She also said that she doesnt love the guy but that it is her best friend. And that she never wants to have sex with him because she likes him too much as a friend...

I became very jealous but she started backing off.

We still had a lot of sex every time we saw eachother but from then one the sex started to fade away. Around that time her parents also decided to break up and this was emotionally very heavy for her.

At this moment she also decided to break up with me, but she wanted to stay friends and really wanted to still go to Iceland in december.

 

I asked her mom for help ( I had a good relation with her mom ) and she said that her daughter backup off against me since she had the std. Because she was scared to show her emotions because if she did, she was weak and I could damage her very easily.

 

Ive seen my girlfriend twice since the break up. She is not having a good time at this moment because all of this is in her head

 

1) her school is very high level and gives her a lot of stress

2) her parents splitting up

3) her std that she cant live with

4) us breaking up

5) she has nightmares who come back again because she got sexually abused as a child.

6) she got infected by Gardia... An illness that she got from me after travelling... But that started to overtake her body just recently. It means that you have a lot of dhiarhea and stomach aches. It can be cured with medication.

 

It's a lot of things... And because of this she is really really weak. I want to help her but she and her mom say that the best thing to do is giving her some space.

The only thing I want is to see her smile again.

She says that she doesnt want to go back in a relationship.

Before she was very very sexually orientated but now she backed off against everybody.

She finds rest when she is with the 2 guy friends of her and when she's hanging out with me as friends ( at least if I am not crying/complaining about the break up ).

She is not sure about the futur. When it was going bad she agreed that if we are not together anymore we still could have sex ( like said before, for her, sex is not about loving eachother but is just having fun ), but now she is not sure about this anymore.

She still wants to see me ( like once every 2 weeks or so... ) and I am fine with breaking up at this point and still seeing her. But I want sex aswell. Especially since she is saying now that our trip to Iceland in September will be one huge ****fest...

In that one month trip its also very obvious that we will grow very close to eachother again. So she also agrees on the fact that we can fall in love with eachother again, and she should be happy if this happens.

 

My problems is that I do not know what to do now... She broke my heart, but I understand why... If you have this many problems to deal with... It's insanely hard. The only thing I want now is to spend time with her and her seeing happy. I understand the break up and that she needs space. But she spends several days a week with her new 2 friends, and allmost nothing with me.

 

What can I do now... Should I hang around as a friend, not giving her any preasure and hoping that with Iceland everything will chance back to the good old days, or should I erase her from my memories?

This is destroying me, I cannot deal with the situation.

It should be so much easier is she just fell in love with someone else but now... Especially with the fact that she really loves to go to Iceland with me I dont know what to do. I love her and I miss her every day... She messed me up but still I see a fantastic future with her.

 

It's such a messed up situation.

I think at this moment she is angry against me because of the dhiarhea that I gave to her.

I am just scared that she will fall in love with one of those 2 guys.

Also the idea that another dick will give her sexually pleasure again once she is okay really drives me insane.

She told me that she isn't sure about having sex with me before Iceland, even if she can handle this complete messed up situation again...

 

So what I want for now is: being good friends and once she is okay being friends with benefits again like in the very beginning. And then when Iceland comes getting closer and closer again and maybe even restarting our relationship.

 

So when we were talking bout this... It became obvious that the relation started to fade out with us growing out of eachother. She neede me a lot when she had the std, but I couldnt handel the situation so I backed off... And because of that she blocked me in her mind and doesnt want to show her deepest emotions anymore.

Her mom says that it will take time to heal, and that we have 2 paths: 1) being friends now and growing closer together then ever afterwards or 2) its completely over

 

 

Sorry for this huge post, but I really had to write it down once... It helps me a lot in finding any logics in this whole situation.

Edited March 12, 2016 by gimlynick

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, get yourself tested for herpes and other STIs immediately. You are having unprotected sex with an infected partner, and could very well be carrying something yourself now even if you are not showing any symptoms.

 

She did not catch herpes from a toilet seat. Come on, man. That is a load of crap. You need to inform and protect yourself.

 

You are being used in a major way. She wants you to hang around for sex, maybe, but that's it. You'd be crazy to stay involved with her. Show her you have some self-respect and put an end to this mess. You are excusing and justifying her behaviour and it's going to hurt you even more in the end.

 

She's not going to be the girlfriend you're looking for. Get yourself to a doctor and then stay the heck away from her.

[gimlynick]

I went to a doctor and I am fine.

 

I do not think that she used me.

 

We shared passwords for facebook, saw eachothers personal mails ect.

 

I've seen quite a few flirts passing by and I've read flirty texts from her to other guys aswell. She is ****ed up in a way... Because of her past, because of a lot of things... If you get abused/raped as a child by a far family member and later on in life once more with a random person that she encountered when going home from school then you're standards about relations and sex fade away.

 

With me she was doing really fine, even her nightmares were gone when I stayed with her.

I know from her mom and sister that she's heartbroken, and that she should love to turn back time...

 

I think she just needs time now to heal the new wounds.

 

I thank you for your advice, and I know that for myself it should be the best thing to leave her behind... But I cannot make it to myself to not be there for here anymore. I know that she needs me more then ever.

 

I have a very busy worklife and am not that much available on weekends, so we agreed to make a long weekend out of 31 march - 1/2/3 april.

 

From my side I will stay NC with her untill then. If she did not regret all of this or did not show me that she really really needs me then that weekend will be our final goodbye.

 

I can not leave now, in this terrible period. What an ******* I should be to leave her with that parasite that I gave to her...

 

 

 

I feel glad that this forum exists, it really helps to write down and if other people read this I feel more relaxed in a way...

[ExpatInItaly]

Of course you can leave. You don't want to, but you can.

 

She hasn't treated you with respect and she doesn't need you. Not to be unkind, but you are in deep denial here. I think you are telling yourself this because it's less painful than the truth. She treats you like a toy. Why are you enabling that? You deserve a heck of a lot more than what she offers you.

 

Who is paying for and planning this long weekend?

 

A final word - if you are unfamiliar with the term, I would do some research about Co-dependency. It's saturating your attachment to her.

[gimlynick]

Of course you can leave. You don't want to, but you can.

 

She hasn't treated you with respect and she doesn't need you. Not to be unkind, but you are in deep denial here. I think you are telling yourself this because it's less painful than the truth. She treats you like a toy. Why are you enabling that? You deserve a heck of a lot more than what she offers you.

 

Who is paying for and planning this long weekend?

 

A final word - if you are unfamiliar with the term, I would do some research about Co-dependency. It's saturating your attachment to her.

 

Well she does treat me with respect, that's one of the main problems... If she just became a bitch I would not have any problems with erasing her from my futur.

 

Nobody has to pay, we both are very into hiking so we take the train to a forest and do a 3 day hike. Being dirty and smelly in the wild is for both of us a big help in dealing with ****. That's why we both feel like Iceland is important... We need a long time with us together to overcome this thing.

 

You are right about the co-dependency.

This was not the case before I left on my big trip. We both were very assertive persons with each his own life but when I returned so many factors had changed. Before making her happy was just normal. She was happy when she was with me. Now, I need to do effort for it.

If I think about it it is 100% true that everything comes from my side since january. I've told her this before.

The weird thing stays that she does a lot of efford to prepare the trip to Iceland ( we each pay 50% for that trip, and she looks to find a job after school ect... )

 

Anyway, I thank you again for the advice, it's a real eye opener.

 

Like said before I keep NC unless she calls me or really shows the need to have me around her.

We will meet for that 3 day hike. I need to see her once more and if she doesn't want me back for real then it's over.

[Alamo657]

 

She got 2 new best friends, 2 guys with whom she has a very good emotional friendship.

 

In januari she become closer and closer friends with the 2 guys. She says to me that they are really important for her because she can talk really good with them about everything. I was fine with that and didn't see that there was a problem.

 

At that time in januari she also went hiking with a group ( including her 2 new friends ). Apparently she got so close with one of the 2 that they masturbated next to eachother. ( she told me this yesterday... 14 days after our break up ).

 

She started seeing the 2 guys a lot, and I saw her less and less. I started seeing this and was getting jealous. Around 14 februari she was suposed to come to my place but she did not. Instead she stayed sleeping at the guy with whom she masturbated with her place and even kissed with him.

Later on I even saw her sexting with him saying ' oh I wish I could suck your dick right now'.

 

I kept the meaningful paragraphs.

 

When your girl starts behaving like the company of other men is as desirable, or worse, more important than yours, the RS is going to end soon.

 

Of course, the word "friendship" is the modern's womens way to label a guy who want to bang them... and that she wouldn't be completely opposed to the idea.

[ExpatInItaly]

Well she does treat me with respect, that's one of the main problems... If she just became a bitch I would not have any problems with erasing her from my futur.

 

Nobody has to pay, we both are very into hiking so we take the train to a forest and do a 3 day hike. Being dirty and smelly in the wild is for both of us a big help in dealing with ****. That's why we both feel like Iceland is important... We need a long time with us together to overcome this thing.

 

You are right about the co-dependency.

This was not the case before I left on my big trip. We both were very assertive persons with each his own life but when I returned so many factors had changed. Before making her happy was just normal. She was happy when she was with me. Now, I need to do effort for it.

If I think about it it is 100% true that everything comes from my side since january. I've told her this before.

The weird thing stays that she does a lot of efford to prepare the trip to Iceland ( we each pay 50% for that trip, and she looks to find a job after school ect... )

 

Anyway, I thank you again for the advice, it's a real eye opener.

 

Like said before I keep NC unless she calls me or really shows the need to have me around her.

We will meet for that 3 day hike. I need to see her once more and if she doesn't want me back for real then it's over.

 

How does masturbating with other men, sleeping with other men and lying about how she caught herpes indicate any respect for you?

 

It doesn't. It's sad because you seem like a kind-hearted person but you're fooling yourself into believing she cares about you. She cares about herself above anyone else.

[stillafool]

I doubt your girl will ever be happy with sex only with you. She will require multiple partners of both gender to be satisfied. Get out now while you can.

[gimlynick]

You are all correct.

In our first six months, she said that it's the first time ever that she does not feel the need to have an other ****buddy except of me.

Those 6 months were very real and pure magic. We were so open to eachother and spending so much time together. I thought that this was forever mainly beause she kept strong and did not have anyone else in my first 4 months of travelling. We talked allmost daily, and she cried a lot. I think at that moment she emotionally started allready to take distance of me...

 

 

She has huuuuge sexual needs. I am a very open minded guy on sexual level. She does everything and loves everything. She asked to have a trio with her girl ****buddy and stuff like that... I didn't go in on that because the ****buddy had never had sex with a guy before... Should be weird if first time was in a trio.

 

I knew that this was a challenging relation. She was open hearted about everything that has happened to her life.

I understand that her past and family screwed her ( so... her parents were mormons before and the first sexual abuse happened in church... She left church at very young age but her dad couldnt live with that and they didnt talk for a couple of years... Nowadays only her mom is still in church because they finally accepted the fact that church is ****ed up... ).

 

People, thanks for these replies... My eyes are opening more and more it really helps.

 

Yes, I am a kind hearted person. Alldough nobody around me really expects that because my profession ( as a teammember of a special intervention team of police ) is way to macho and manly te be such a person. Stuff at work cannot make me emotional, but when something happens to me personaly, I react way to emotional. I think that this is also something that made her realise that I'm not a good person for her. She needs someone who doesn't give a **** about emotions. Because she knows that she's ****ed up and will do stupid stuff. She knows that she will try to resist her sexual needs but that she can't cope with it. She just can't handle herself and I don't think that anyone can. I thought I could but I'm opening my eyes and I know now that it's not possible.

 

I was so much looking forward to the Iceland trip, I was hoping so so much that everything would change to like it was when we first met. But she changed. A lot.

 

I can not handle her anymore. It's bad because I know that I will not be able to protect her against real bad boys. She has an insanely hot body and attracts a lot of men... I've talked with my parents and they knew from the start that she is an unhandable person.

It's weird because she will become a docter... I hope that she will be fine.

 

 

Only thing that remains really hard for me is the fact that she's in some kind of depression at this moment. She struggles with herself and is not comfortable anymore. It will hurt a lot to leave her like this and never hear her anymore.

 

I've been reading a lot on this site, and I'm glad I am not alone. When I read the stories of people who have children etc I feel so bad for them. I only need to cope with 18 months. They have to deal with so much more. It gives me power to let her go.

[gimlynick]

We have called.

 

We are not going to Iceland anymore and are not going for the hike.

 

I see her on friday to talk and to give all our personal belongings to eachother.

It's over and I'm completely shutting off. I feel like going into a massive depression, it has all been too much for me lately.

Since I'm back home from travelling everything around me got destroyed...

 

I was supersick having the typhoid fever and gardia and now my muscles are gone and I do not have any condition.

My friends are not there for me at the moment... I know most of them since Im 3 years old and they are life time friends, but they don't know how te deal with me in this situation.

My work is crap atm... Since I did the travelling and becoming sick I had to change service untill my condition is good again. I do not find any strenght at this moment to do sports.

And then offcourse the idea of going NC with my chicka from friday on...

Those 4 factors are a major thing in my life => health, my friends, work and my girlfriend. Non of them is fine at the moment. I do not know what to do about this... If I'm not at work I'm staying the whole time in bed, especially reading on this forum or reading things like ' how to ge your ex back '. This is breaking me and because of that this forum helps. It helps to talk about it but when I talk with some of my best friends it seems like they don't care. This is so weird. Normally about all the **** going on I talk with my girlfriend, she understands everything and helps me having an easier life.

She is such a huge part of me. Apparently she's not doing well atm emotionally. She's not in school because she cries a lot about this. But she knows that she has hurt me and she wants herself to prevend her from hurting me more, because she has a hard time seeing me like this.

 

I am still hoping that one day she calls me while we have NC and that she says that she feels sorry and that she wants our relation to get back on track. I really hope this.

I know that it sounds ridiculous but I will never find someone like her again.

I can get plenty of girls but my standards are very very high, too high for me.

I hate make up, long fingersnails, accessories, girls who stalk me, girls that can't stand against me ( I can be very rude, and I really need a reaction back ), girls who do not have a high libido ( This and faith are for me the most important aspects in a relation. ), shopping kind of girls, girls who don't love the outdoors, ...

 

2 of my friends cure themselves to jump from one relation into another. I don't think that this is going to help for me since this was my first major relation ( normally I back off the moment that it seems to get serious, because of my very busy worklife I can not give ost girls what they want ).

I've had sex with quiet a few girls but I've never had the magic on a first time sex like I've had with her.

 

Another point is that if I'm masturbating, I still see her. Every time that I have an erection or so I have her in my mind and I think about pushing her against the wall and make out.

She has ****ed me up in a major way. My expectations of girls are insanely high now. I know that if she doesn't turn back one day my life will get back on track, but I will compare girls allways to her, and I will allways find some reasons not to get too deep emotional attached.

I didn't know that breaking your heart hurts so much.

 

When I called my ex she started crying and asking me to hate her, because she ruined a major part of me and she feels bad about it.

 

 

I miss her.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, you said your standards are too high - all evidence in this thread suggests quite the opposite. You allowed this girl to toy with you and expose you to STIs and sleep around; the truth is that you need much higher standards for yourself. Most men would not tolerate that kind of crap.

 

And you can only hope you don't find another girl like her! She's no prize, my friend. Someday, when you're out of this fog, you will see that. There are much higher-quality women out there.

 

I'm sorry you're struggling so much. But this girl is part of the problem, not the solution. She's a hot mess and she'd dragging you down with her. You don't deserve that at all.

 

Instead of reading "How to get your ex back" advice, try "how to boost self-esteem" advice. I mean that sincerely. Identify your positive traits and start to see the value in yourself. Once you value yourself more, you will never again allow yourself to be jerked around by some unstable girl. She's really not worth it.