Frustrated and hurt husband-no matter how hard I try,cant keep my wife from flirting

[ahusband]

I am 40, fulltime Police officer, been married and totally devoted to my wife for 20 years. I am good looking, morally sound, great father, great shape, romantic, and in total love with my wife. I am considered very good-looking by most women and always hit on…I never even for a second entertain the advances. I work so hard to make my wife happy. I send her flowers, take her on surprise vacations, constantly shower her with sincere complements. I support and encourage her in every facet of her life. She openly tells me and friends, she is the luckiest women alive to have me as a husband! It seems like all roses on the surface. Our sex life is very active. I make every effort to satisfy her in every way. It all checks out...fun, laughing, sex, caring, love of children, etc..

 

However, there is one problem that keeps rearing its head and really hurts me, my level of trust, my confidence, my happiness, and its wearing me down…I keep finding these instances where she aggressively flirts with men. It’s mainly via text and or email. I mean very aggressive with sexual overtones/suggestions. I have redoubled my efforts as a husband in every area. However, again this week it reared its ugly head again. I had a friend at work that he just went through a divorce and she text him her condolences and it quickly turned into sexual flirtation like crazy. She even suggested the “ball was in his court all he had to do was tell her she wanted to play”. He shared it with me without her knowing. He made a few off handed comments he was not proud of as well and apologized but it was clearly her starting and pushing it. DAMN IT HURT!!!I couldnt believe she wrote that stuff...he is not even goodlooking or all that nice.. He is much older almost 60..its crazy

 

I don’t want to go through each incident but there have been two other similar incidents with men at her work in the past two years. The first I read accidently and stopped. The second I admit I read from pure protective snooping. I am not proud but my trust in her and confidence is just gone. It hurts so bad…I feel like every day I am fighting to be the best husband in the world to satisfy and extinguish her need for this outside source. I also feel like I am constantly looking over her shoulder to protect myself from an affair. I have confronted her and tried to explain my feelings and she gets furious. I have learned to just drop it because it causes more anger. I try to catch her and head the man off to keep her faithful.

She has gained much weight and I have wondered if she has lost confidence. I still tell her and truly believe she is still beautiful. I am not worried about physical appearance. I care about trust, love and total devotion.

 

I am writing this to feel some relief just talking to someone about it. I cant imagine really a magic answer or solution. I am smart enough to understand that must come from her…I would give anything if I could get her to stop and trust her again. She has really thrown away an incredible marriage.

Edited March 12, 2016 by ahusband

[stillafool]

Welcome to LS. It seems that what you are doing to make your wife stop is not working. Therefore try something else like the threat of divorce. Do you really want to live your life looking over your shoulder or having to try to prevent her from having an affair? Do you have kids?

[OneLov]

Maybe she feels truly insecure about her looks and has resorted to immature, unhealthy, and flat-out destructive behavior in an effort to receive validation from a third party. She knows you love her, so she may not trust your objectivity.

 

This is 100% on her; she needs to talk with a therapist to help her understand why she needs this superficial validation. The only thing you can do is keep being supportive of her and help her work through this. That is, if you want to. To me, it sounds like you still want to try because you love her. I wish you the best; you sound like an awesome partner.

 

OL

[ahusband]

I appreciate the advice...both are opposite bits of advice but equally good and true. Its so damn frustrating..I guess I need to put me foot down a little harder...clearly explain that I will no longer be subjected to such disrespect...I really don't deserve it.

[Babs22]

You do sound like an amazing husband if you are doing all those things. Hell, I wish my H did half of those things. Your wife may be looking for outside validation due to her weight gain and feeling insecure about herself. It is not acceptable behavior for her to be doing and so when she gets angry at you for bringing it up, you need to tell her firmly that what she is doing is wrong, hurtful and that you won't put up with it. However, you might also ask her what she is missing from you? Why does she feel the need to do this with other men? Counseling might help both of you to get to the bottom of it. I was never like this, but the first guy that started giving me compliments and giving me attention did end up with me having an affair (after 18 years of marriage). I had never even thought of having an A and I never would have initiated that type of thing even though there were many things missing from my marriage.

 

Besides the compliments from my affair partner and being told he loved me, another thing that I got from him that I did not get from my H was us doing things we enjoyed together. We started exercising, taking walks, kayaking, concerts, taking a long scenic drives. My H and I rarely if ever did things together, date nights were movies and once our TV preferences became different, there was not much left. Even I was more involved with our kids and their lives than he was, so that wasn't even a shared interest. I say this just in case this is an area that could use some work. I have lost 25+ pounds myself just from doing these things with my affair partner. Perhaps without being pushy about it, you could both do the walks together or find other things you could do together, but counseling sounds like your best bet. Take it from me, a cheater, don't let her behavior continue. She's just looking for trouble.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Communication is always the best answer of course...that's nothing new.

 

She needs to be told how you feel and why...not in an accusing condescending way...but with love. Tell her how beautiful she is and how special she is to you and how much you love her. Tell her how you cherish her and you are afraid you are somehow falling short as a husband...that you are not giving her enough...and ask her what you can do to make her feel secure and worthy.

 

If you turn this around to... what can you do instead of telling her what she needs to do...she may "hear it" better.

 

I am telling you this because I can relate to your story and to how she might be feeling.

 

There is another thread here where they have talked about a man shows his love by being protective. He often does not "say" the things we as woman want to hear.....he provides protection but we don't see that as love....and we should.

 

You are a policeman.....and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your service. You are in the business of protecting...its what you do.

 

Let her see how you are protecting her heart...protecting your family....protecting your relationship...and that is the highest form of flattery you know how to give.

 

I wish you the very best.....don't give up on her....she has not betrayed you....she is just in her own head right now. Help her get back to what is really important.

[BlametheIrish]

She might even be jealous of the attention you get due to being in shape and attractive in your fourties (you don't see that too much in my neck of the woods) so she looks for attention in any way she can to get validation from strangers too.

 

Whatever her reasons, she needs to stop, and you need to put your foot down asap before she ends up in the arms of the next guy who tells her she has a nice smile. She seems VERY ready to cheat from the texts that man showed you.

[Buckeye2]

Your wife thinks that she’s working with a net in that she’s a happily married woman that would never cheat and the men she flirts with know it too. The problem is that allows her to walk closer to the edge than if she were single. A single woman would be expected to back up her flirting with action. She probably thinks that being overweight adds some protection.

 

 

Tell her that she is still very attractive in spite of her weight and that many men will be happy to take her up on her offer. i.e. It’s not a joke. Even if it’s a bluff tell her that an affair is a deal breaker and you will get a divorce. Ironically convincing your wife that you love her to death can make her more likely to have an affair. They think that they won’t get caught because you would never consider them doing such a thing and if they do get caught you will forgive them (because you have them convinced that you can’t live without them).

 

 

The problem is if they flirt as a joke and some guy comes on strong. Around 40 is the magic age. Life changing events like an about to be empty nest, new job or back to school. They want to prove they still have it even if they plan to grow old with their loving husband.

Edited March 12, 2016 by Buckeye2

[Jersey born raised]

Hi,

 

You are in a very gray area between good boundaries and controlling. But yea, she is way over the line. Some high school terms: tease or virgin queen.

 

On another board a poster spoke of a somewhat similar problem. The couple where mid forties, together 25 years, two grown children, she was a SAHM who returned to work part time two years ago. In their case she allowed and encourage hugging back massages, etc to the men at work. She also hid the fact she was married. Not only did allow it at work but also allowed it in front of her husband at work parties. He began posting after she shut him down at a work function but turn around and allowed a male co-worker to take his place. He spoke repeatedly to her and was told he was controlling.

 

The husband did a lot of digging. The mobile phone where on a family plan in his name. He download all bills going back two years and checked numbers. He recovered deleted texts, he put a key logger on the home computer. He reviewed red flags:

 

Red flags*

 

Sex life dropped off noticeably

Passwords on phone and computer

Much more time on line...fakebook.

More GNOs...staying out later.

Less eye contact and holding hands...much less physical contact.

Less communication.

Staying up late on computer.

Dressing more provocative

More shopping-spending...clothes.

3 hour groceries shopping trips

Gasoline use and mileage went up

Generally disconnected from family.

New friends that I wasn't introduced to

Cell/text usage went up...way up.

New hair style and attention to makeup

Started exercising more.

Secretive about whereabouts during contact

She would become annoyed easily with me.

Household responsibilities dropped way off.

ecame more forgetful in general

A noticable distancing from her family.

Much more waxing...trimming...shaving....not for me.

 

All clean, very clean there was no adultery. He finally broke threw by printing out (and removing IDs) all the comments to the question "what does this mean and am I crazy". To see and read broke the ice and she was ashamed.

They are working on fixing the marriage and he is slowly regaing trust.

 

I have addition questions for you and perhaps suggestions but this post is long perhaps you could respond to these points first. Especially the red flags. Your a cop approach them with that mindset.

[harrybrown]

So sorry you are here.

 

Are you sure it never went PA in the past?

 

So how would she like it if you started flirting with others?

 

Time to see your attorney and gets some papers drawn up. She does not respect you, but I do not know why.

 

You do need to have the conversation and start the 180 for yourself.

 

This does lead to anger and could make it difficult for your job.

 

I have had to work on my anger. Exercise helps and keep your proof somewhere safe.

 

Good luck, she sure sounds selfish.

[brothers343]

This is a bad situation for you brother. The problem I see here is that she knows that you know she's flirting and what other things she might be doing. It almost seems like she doesn't have respect for you. And when that happens your setting up yourself for failure becouse your trying your hardest and she's not. Sometime you just need to be real with the one you love. Tell her she needs to stop or its time to go separate ways. Sometimes being straight and to the point can do wonders. Good luck

[bubbaganoosh]

Stop being the nice guy about this. You see where it's got you and this isn't the first time.

 

You let her know that what she's doing is unacceptable and you will not put up with it any longer and if it continues in any way shape or form, then she might find herself looking for a new place to live because you wont have your wife disrespecting you the way she's doing.

 

If she gets pissed about it, then look her in the eye and tell her "Too damn bad and if you don't like it then there's the door". Say what you mean and mean what you say. Stop playing the nice guy and for once put your foot down.

[TunaCat]

You need to put your foot down and demand respect from your wife. By flirting, she is being disrespectful to you and to your marriage. By you not addressing it, you are showing her that her behavior is okay. Which it's not.

 

Don't be a total jerk to her or else she'll justify her behavior.

[SammySammy]

Putting his foot down and trying to force her to stop may not be effective.

 

He can never be sure she's really stopped. She can always find a way to continue to flirt if that is what she wants to do. If she does stop, against her will, that is going to lead to resentment.

 

Trying to force an adult to change their behavior is often futile. She must decide to change on her own.

 

Clear communication and the willingness to make some hard choices may be the only things that cause her to reconsider the harm she's doing to her marriage.

[aliveagain]

I think you need to confront her with "the ball is in your court" guys correspondence if you haven't already done so. If you have, what reasons did she give you for her behavior? You definitely need to have the "I will not share you with other men" conversation, she needs to be all into her marriage to you or remove yourself from this situation. Was she molested in her youth? Why does she need validation from other men, why is your validation not sufficient? She sounds way to comfortable with her private texts to other men. Does she know your boundaries and the consequences for breaking them? I don't think this is her first rodeo.

[lolablue17]

Try to think one step ahead, instead of fighting yesterday's war. It seems that you live in some denial. Use your imagination and think what would you want to do next if you knew she's fully cheating on you.

 

Then do it!

 

If after all of her cheating you still want to fix things, she needs to experience an extreme shock, in order to change. A real heavy shock.

[Jersey born raised]

Does your wife ever flirt with you or sext you like she does with OMs ? If not why? Is she comfortable "letting lose" with other men but not you ?

 

Although she might not actually engage in a PA, her actions are cheating you and confine you. Our sexuality encompass a wide range of actions and emotions. When a spouse shuts out a spouse in one aspect of it while engaging in it with others they are depriving part of their sexuality.

 

Finally can you get a copy of the text to your friend. If he already deleted it will he use a program to retrieve it for you. It is very important going forward. If you do confront, and you will, she will deny and minimize what was written.

 

Final bide you time and find an IC to get a handle on your emotions and a grip on why she is doing it.

 

Read this thread, while it is about a PA or an EA you will find many points that resonant. Again do not confront at this time. You need a plan.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know

[elaine567]

Your wife thinks that she’s working with a net in that she’s a happily married woman that would never cheat and the men she flirts with know it too. The problem is that allows her to walk closer to the edge than if she were single. A single woman would be expected to back up her flirting with action. She probably thinks that being overweight adds some protection.

 

 

The problem is if they flirt as a joke and some guy comes on strong.

 

^^^^I think you are probably right here in your assessment of the situation.

Some people just love to flirt too, and maybe the wife is one of them, they thrive on innuendo and close to the edge talk, and anyone who is willing to flirt back gets the full treatment. With the universality of texting and messaging, then that provides the perfect medium for staying "safe" but the one liners can get more outrageous.

Trouble is if this is the case, the more you complain about this essentially harmless banter, the more controlling you appear.

Controlling, jealous behaviour kills marriages stone dead.

Communication is the key here.

Suggest marriage guidance for the issue and make an appointment to show you are serious, that may shock her into taking notice.

[Darren Steez]

I appreciate the advice...both are opposite bits of advice but equally good and true. Its so damn frustrating..I guess I need to put me foot down a little harder...clearly explain that I will no longer be subjected to such disrespect...I really don't deserve it.

 

How about you read No More Mr Nice Guy, and how about you stop trying to be the best husband in the world and tolerating this business.

[BeholdtheMan]

I work so hard to make my wife happy. I send her flowers, take her on surprise vacations, constantly shower her with sincere complements. I support and encourage her in every facet of her life. She openly tells me and friends, she is the luckiest women alive to have me as a husband! It seems like all roses on the surface. Our sex life is very active. I make every effort to satisfy her in every way.

 

Do u act like her manservant? Why are you constantly placing her needs above your own? Does she make efforts to satisfy you?

 

Once u enter manservant territory, ur wife will start seeking guys who don't cater to her every whim...guys who are a challenge

[heartwhole]

You've received some interesting advice here. Not sure I agree with all of it.

 

It's not your responsibility to monitor your wife's interactions and keep her from having an affair. How exhausting. I can tell you feel the weight of it.

 

However, you are obviously in a situation where your wife is making inappropriate choices. I would talk about this at length. Try to get to the root of her making those choices. (This most likely means therapy for her.) Then discuss how together you can be a unit with all interlopers on the outside. You have every right to object to her interacting with men in that manner.

 

My husband cheated on me a year ago. He was always something of a flirt but never like what you describe. Now we have new guidelines. We tell each other about all communications from anyone who could be a potential partner. We try to do it casually . . . "Oh, so and so needed a ride to the workout this morning and messaged me on Facebook about it but I didn't see it in time." OK, noted.

 

We also share the passwords to our devices. How you want to go about transparency is up to you. I have come to see that our hand-held devices do not need to change how families handle interacting with the world. 20 years ago you had a single phone line for the whole house, you received mail for everyone together. Why should it all be cut off from the spouse today? Maybe if you're two emotionally healthy people who great instincts then this isn't necessary, but that's certainly not the case here. And even if it's not necessary, do emotionally healthy spouses have anything to hide that would necessitate privacy on their device? Likewise, in a healthy relationship, just knowing that you can check if you want to is probably enough; if you're poring over every little communique of your spouse's, then either you have a control issue or the spouse has boundary issues. Work on those issues, rebuild the trust, and then figure out how to be open with another and how to present a united front to the world.

 

I'll tell you, I do feel a weight is lifted. I don't have to sneak around any more trying to figure out if my WH has some inappropriate friend he's never mentioned. There was the affair partner, obviously, but when I discovered the affair, I also noted one or two other women he had never mentioned that he was friends with. One of them he sent flirty messages to and had drinks with after work. Now the messages, the hiding of the friendship, and the drinks alone with a member of the opposite sex after work are things that are verboten for both of us. And if he violates it, it's no longer, "Well, why were you spying on me?" He knows that my expectations are reasonable.

[Leelou]

I haven't read all the answers you received, so excuse me if I repeat something.

 

You sound like a super spouse, truly a wonderful partner. Well done for that.

 

As for your wife, you do not elaborate much on her character, but I would like to ask you if you think she may be narcissistic? Please do some online research, and look up the following words and phrases "Narcissistic Personality Disorder" or "NPD" or "Narcissist".

 

The reason why I ask you this, is because your marriage sounds like what my marriage used to be... pretty wonderful, and me being the ever-loving wife, with my husband (who is unfortunately narcissistic) being the serial cheater.

A spouse like him, may love the veneer of a happy marriage, but deep inside themselves, they feel empty, unlovable, and desperate for admiration and attention. This deep emptiness inside themselves will drive them to flirt and elicit the wanted attention from others. There is never going to be 'enough' attention... they need it from everyone. Just getting it from the spouse alone, is not enough.

 

This is really not a matter of you doing enough to make her happy, this is a matter of her character and personality.

 

Do the research, get back to us here, let me know.

Edited March 15, 2016 by Leelou

[spanz1]

it IS very odd that she is heavily flirting, but simultaneloysly gaining weight.

 

If she wanted to find affari partners, she would be losing weight and dramatically changing her appearance to be more sey.

 

It sounds like she has read too many "50 shades of grey" types of books. She has a vibrant fantasy life, maybe even some cybersex life, and it is turning her on and getting her to be much more adventurous in real life.

 

I suspect if a guy really emailed back "yes, lets screw, when do you want to meet?", she would panic and not respond.

 

I think the therapist idea is a good one. But if it is her sex fantasies running wild (possibly as her libido peaks during pre menopause), maybe you have to learn what those fantasies really are, and try to up your game to satisfy them fully.

 

You are not trying to stop her sexual fantasies....just to keep them that--fantasies ONLY!

 

And yes, her own body image is important. She might think "he only says nice things to me because we are married. I wonder if i would still be attractive to other men too?". So showering her with flowers, and saying compliments will not be enough. But really upping your sexual game, and telling her it is because her body makes you so horny....THAT is convincing. That is something she can brag to all her friends about.

Edited March 18, 2016 by spanz1

[TrustedthenBusted]

I have learned to just drop it because it causes more anger.

 

Don't do this. Let her get angry. Let her get totally pissed off. Let her get furious at you for this if that's how she wants to handle it.

 

It's a tantrum, and you are essentially giving her permission to keep doing what she wants, it all she has to do is get angry whenever you bring it up.

 

 

You're a police officer. You probably bust people all the time who respond with anger. Do you just drop it? No. You hold them accountable, and you punish them if they don't stop.

[Marc878]

Read up. There are a lot of good women who don't do this out there. I wouldn't spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.

 

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