My lover's family hates me

[Kelly M]

My love Brandon endured a lot of abuse from his father and his mother. They should have been put away for what they did to him. His dad is out of the picture so his mom has a boyfriend. There was tension with my love and his mother. He has a lot of issues that stem from his childhood. He hates his youngest sister Because she was the golden child and never did anything wrong. I was very respectful and involved in his family. I bought his mother and siblings gifts all the time. Wrote a letter on how much I love his mother. His siblings and everyone. I truly loved his family and I was trying to help everyone. I was trying to reconcile his mother, sister and him. I suggested to his mother that she should have a sit down with her son to address issues because he has a lot of issues. I said to her that I wanted her and her son to have peace and understanding. I also wanted him to talk it out with his sister and tell her why he has hidden anger towards her. I wanted to help and have everyone have peace within themselves. When I suggested that her boyfriend stepped in, and said "stop bothering Brandon's mother with your bull**** you fat slut." I said "oh my! How dare you? I was trying to reconcile her and her son's relationship scumbag." So then I said "you know what I am done trying to help. You all are trash and I'm not dealing with psychos and immature insults." So his mom has held a grudge ever since. I am trying to talk it out with her since it's been 5 months. I wanted to apologize and talk it out. She refuses. His sister hated me since I said that when I was really close to her. So his sister has a little boy and his birthday is coming up and She text her brother saying for him to come only. His mom said he's invited to his nephew's birthday party but I'm not. It made me cry. My boyfriend at first said to his sister "I'm not going Because it's at mom's house and she won't talk to Kelly and she talks bad about her and is disrespectful towards her. So I'm not going." but then now He just said to me "I'll go for 5 minutes. Because my other sister Dyanna will be there and I'm cool with her."

 

It make me upset though. I feel betrayed by my boyfriend. He wants to go and I don't understand why he does when his mother chose a man over her kids, abused him, and treated him like garbage and abandoned him. I am so hurt because I care for his family a lot and they still hate me and won't give me a chance. Now I feel betrayed by My love that he would go without me. Am I right for feeling this way? I haven't told him How I felt because I don't know if it would be right, but do you feel that he's wrong to go since his mother talks bad about me? He said "If my mom talks bad about you I will shoot back her about Garrett because he's trash and he is manipulating her and piece of S***" it still bothers me thinking he Doesn't have loyalty towards me. So thats why I am on here. I want to know what you all think about this and if he is wrong for going without me because they clearly said only him.

[Gemma1]

His family may be terrible but you were way out of line my trying to meddle with their relationship. It's not your place to fix his mother's relationship with her own son. You may have been genuinely trying to improve the situation but this is the result and now you have to live with it. He shouldn't have to give up his family (and a relationship with his little nephew) just because you meddled with his mother and it caused a backlash.

 

Again, I'm sure you meant well. But regardless of what you meant, this is what happened. So try to work on your relationship with them and in the meantime, he should keep going to family functions as normal.

 

How long have you even been together?

[preraph]

It's your husband's job to straighten this out -- and he's not going to. Instead he's going to betray you and go to the party without you. Men are supposed to stick up for their wives. He could see his sister another time, like before or after the party, inviting her to your house or whatever. You need to put your finger in his face and tell him he needs to stand by you or else.

[Gemma1]

It's your husband's job to straighten this out -- and he's not going to. Instead he's going to betray you and go to the party without you. Men are supposed to stick up for their wives. He could see his sister another time, like before or after the party, inviting her to your house or whatever. You need to put your finger in his face and tell him he needs to stand by you or else.

 

He's not her husband. Judging by her posts, they haven't even been dating very long.

[katiegrl]

Well, his family might not be the best in the world, but regardless, it was wrong to call them "trash" and "psychos"...... wow.

 

If any of my brother's gf's had called us that, I highly doubt my mom and dad would have wanted her around either.

 

Once a perception has been formed, it is is very difficult, if not impossible, to change that.

 

Not sure if there is anything you can do.

 

Perhaps in time (years), the bitterness will subside some, especially if you marry.

 

Lesson learned....

[SunnyWeather]

you have no business trying to be a counselor and reconcile their issues. Who granted you permission for such self righteousness? You seem overly involved in their business, and I wonder what you do with your time other than obsess over their family dynamics.

 

Further, the fact that you BF 'hates' his younger sister because she was the 'golden child' also shows that perhaps, his perspective is skewed and could benefit from having a professional help him sort this out. That alone would make me question a lot of what he's told you.

[basil67]

I'm sure you meant well, but you way overstepped the line by meddling in family matters.

 

That thing about your boyfriend hating his younger sister because she was a good kid is alarming. Actually, it's a huge red flag. Why on earth would he hate someone because they were well behaved? Perhaps she was treated differently by her parents because she was so good...it's easy to imagine. But does he not recognise that she earned this goodwill?

 

From this point forward, I suggest you stop meddling. And be very dubious about your boyfriend.

[kendahke]

I was very respectful and involved in his family. I bought his mother and siblings gifts all the time. Wrote a letter on how much I love his mother. His siblings and everyone. I truly loved his family and I was trying to help everyone. I was trying to reconcile his mother, sister and him. I suggested to his mother that she should have a sit down with her son to address issues because he has a lot of issues. I said to her that I wanted her and her son to have peace and understanding. I also wanted him to talk it out with his sister and tell her why he has hidden anger towards her. I wanted to help and have everyone have peace within themselves. When I suggested that her boyfriend stepped in, and said "stop bothering Brandon's mother with your bull**** you fat slut."

 

I said "oh my! How dare you? I was trying to reconcile her and her son's relationship scumbag." So then I said "you know what I am done trying to help. You all are trash and I'm not dealing with psychos and immature insults." So his mom has held a grudge ever since. I am trying to talk it out with her since it's been 5 months. I wanted to apologize and talk it out. She refuses. His sister hated me since I said that when I was really close to her. So his sister has a little boy and his birthday is coming up and She text her brother saying for him to come only. His mom said he's invited to his nephew's birthday party but I'm not. It made me cry. My boyfriend at first said to his sister "I'm not going Because it's at mom's house and she won't talk to Kelly and she talks bad about her and is disrespectful towards her. So I'm not going." but then now He just said to me "I'll go for 5 minutes. Because my other sister Dyanna will be there and I'm cool with her."

 

It make me upset though. I feel betrayed by my boyfriend. He wants to go and I don't understand why he does when his mother chose a man over her kids, abused him, and treated him like garbage and abandoned him. I am so hurt because I care for his family a lot and they still hate me and won't give me a chance. Now I feel betrayed by My love that he would go without me. Am I right for feeling this way? I haven't told him How I felt because I don't know if it would be right, but do you feel that he's wrong to go since his mother talks bad about me? He said "If my mom talks bad about you I will shoot back her about Garrett because he's trash and he is manipulating her and piece of S***" it still bothers me thinking he Doesn't have loyalty towards me. So thats why I am on here. I want to know what you all think about this and if he is wrong for going without me because they clearly said only him.

 

A lot of "I"'s in that story.

 

Absolutely nothing about respecting the dynamic that is in place or pushing people who are not ready to reconcile on your time table. This whole thing is waaaaaay above your pay grade.

 

I'm sorry to say, but you brought this on yourself on many fronts.

 

You're a girlfriend, not a blood relative, not a wife, not a therapist. You stuck your nose in where it didn't belong. At no point should you have ever approached his mother about anything having to do with her family and their problems. Your choice is to date her son or don't date her son. It wasn't your place to tell her what you wanted her or her family to do to please you. If you want to write loving letters to her, etc., that's fine, but you overstepped the mark telling her what you wanted them all to do.

 

Then to spin around on them all and call them psychos and trash when the person you needed to address was the boyfriend and ONLY the boyfriend is truly beyond the pale. Of course your name is a bête noire now and they don't want you around. You can't un-ring that bell.

 

Your boyfriend has a seriously complicated emotional dynamic going on that you are ill prepared to wade into and resolve. This mess has taken years to set into place and it's not going to be resolved in an afternoon to please you. It's going to take a willingness on everyone in that family's part to resolve this and emotional challenges like this are usually fiercely resisted for a long, long time, if they ever even get resolved.

 

Your boyfriend, like it or not, does have some sense of loyalty towards his family because he understands his role in his family far better than you do looking in on the outside. So yeah, he's going to go to his nephew's birthday party and you're going to have to deal with that if you want to keep dating this guy. Yeah, his mom may talk trash about you, but as I said above, when you spun around and lost your mind on them, you set this in motion--not them--and THAT is why you're no longer invited into their presence.

 

So, you can feel whatever way you want to feel about it because feelings are neither right nor wrong, but you are being completely unreasonable in not accepting the consequences of your actions. They aren't going to just go walk off being called trash when it was the boyfriend who told you to back off and not them. You dragged them into that and it was a fatal mistake with regards to your being accepted by the family. Of course they're circling the wagons--what did you honestly expect they'd do after you called then psychos and trash?

Edited March 12, 2016 by kendahke

[Kelly M]

I really wasn't trying to over step my boundaries. My boyfriend even told me to try to talk to his mother because she likes me so much that I might get through to her. I was trying to help because they are a very dysfunctional family, and his mother abused him badly. He has depression, anxiety, and all sorts of issues because of his abusive mother and father. Everyone is missing the point of me calling them "trash" and "psychos" well what about the boyfriend calling me a "fat slut"? That was unnecessary. I am not controlling my boyfriend. If he wants to go he can go, I just feel betrayed is all. I really was working slow with his mother. I was trying to help. His mother backed her boyfriend up and laughed when he called me a "fat slut" when I told them both that I have self esteem issues, and i was called "fat" my whole life, so it really hits me to the core when someone calls me "fat", and they hit me where it hurts. I didn't say she was a terribly mother at all. I told her "Margaret, I think your son has a lot of issues that stem from his childhood, you are not a bad mother, I am not saying that. I think you are a beautiful person. I just think that it would help if you and Brandon had a sit down and talked, and maybe that would help. He goes on and on saying he wishes for your love, and I told him many times that you do truly love him, but he says he doesn't feel it. Maybe talk to him about that, and reassure him you do love him. Also his sister always wonders why he hates her, and I think he should tell her the deep issue why. I am not saying it is right, but it is only right to tell her how he feels so they both can work and resolve the issue. Thank you."

 

That's what I literally said, and her boyfriend jumped in and called me names and when Brandon called his mom to tell him about it, she laughed and said, "Oh well". Knowing that I have self esteem issues, and so I fired back because I had genuine love and care for them, and they acted like teenagers, and bullied me, then his mother went on to say "She's not even pretty, you can get a prettier girl, and she's a mess." Everybody is over looking how insulting they were to me first. and I retaliated. There's a difference. However, I do want to apologize, and reconcile. But we both deserve an apology. Her boyfriend is a control freak, he didn't like the one daughter Dyanna, she used the wrong towel to clean up a spill and he flipped on her and Dyanna flipped on him, and in a result of that the mother kicked her and her 2 year child out of the house with nowhere to go. she chose a man over her kids. He called Dyanna a bunch of names so she fired back and he said "Get her out of here Margaret you're daughter is a C***" So the mother kicked her and her grandchild out. Everybody hates this guy, because he ruins relationships the mother has with people, he didn't like that me and Margaret were close and talked almost everyday. He would always get involved in out text convos and take her phone and say "SHE HAS TO GET UP FOR WORK, STOP TEXTING HER." Then Margaret would get on the phone and say "Sorry Garrett wants me to go to bed he thinks I am up too late. good night sweetie." and I said "I am so sorry I kept you up, don't ever hesitate to tell me when you want to go to sleep or you want to stop texting. Sorry about that. Have a good night Margaret." She said "Oh, I am fine, it's just that Garrett is getting annoyed." Her boyfriend is a piece of crap and she just goes along with it. Just letting that out there.

[basil67]

So the mother's boyfriend abuses everyone. Why do you think you'd be exempt from this abuse?

 

Just stay away from the lot of them. And don't forget those red flags about how your boyfriend hates his sister for no good reason.

[sandylee1]

Unless you are a qualified therapist you overstepped the mark. These are serious issues going on with the family and NOT something an unqualified person should ever have tackled.

 

You were wrong to call them trashy and psycho...I'm not suprised they hate you and if my son's girlfriend did this.... I wouldn't want to see her ever again.

 

Your boyfriend should not turn his back on his family for you at all. TBH it would be best all round if the relationship ended. I can't see you'll ever be welcome in his family.

 

How old are you? You sound very young..or maybe just very inexperienced with life.

[Ferret]

When I suggested that her boyfriend stepped in, and said "stop bothering Brandon's mother with your bull**** you fat slut." .

 

 

 

 

Well, his family might not be the best in the world, but regardless, it was wrong to call them "trash" and "psychos"...... wow.

 

If any of my brother's gf's had called us that, I highly doubt my mom and dad would have wanted her around either.

 

Once a perception has been formed, it is is very difficult, if not impossible, to change that.

 

Not sure if there is anything you can do.

 

Perhaps in time (years), the bitterness will subside some, especially if you marry.

 

Lesson learned....

 

 

I think as I quoted the OPs comments weren't unprovoked if some one called me a "fat slut" just for trying to get them to all talk "trash" would prob be one of the nicer things ide call them and it would have been warranted imo..just wanted to put that out there its not like the OP went into it trying to be disrespectful..

 

Should she have tried to "fix" things in a clearly broken home? prob not but I give her credit for trying clearly she cares enough to try to help. The sad fact is often the road to hell is paved with the best of intentions..Op these people sound very broken and set in there ways. Some times all you can do is stand back and let people like that do their thing.

 

I feel your pain my BFs family are fairly close to what you described I had to stand up to his mother once as well and to this day they all hate me too but you know what? I don't really care anymore I know exactly how they are and im fine with not being around them they did me a favor by showing their true colors early on.

 

Don't let people like that back into your life they if they are toxic and dysfunctional do you have a right to not want him to see them? no..end of the day they are his family and you cannot stop him from going to see any of them.

 

I tell my bf he is always free to go see them and I wont hold it agenst him but they are not welcome in our home. My bf isn't happy with them ether so he hasn't seen them in a while now but I know some day he will and I cant stop him all I can do is choose not to be around people like that long as they are manipulative and toxic..

[Kelly M]

Thank you Ferret. You seem to be the only one that understands. Everyone keeps saying how disrespectful I am for calling then trash and psychos, but what about the boyfriend calling me a "fat slut" first? Knowing I have self esteem issues and issues with my weight. I called them trash and psychos when my boyfriend called his mom and said to her "wtf is up with your boyfriend calling her that mom?" and the mother laughed and backed him up. She a didn't think it was wrong and thought it was cute that he said that to me. She then went on to say "oh you can find a much prettier girl she's a mess." that's when I text Margaret and said "I'm done dealing with trash and dealing with you psychos." they didn't have to say want they said to me. I didn't insult her or the family when I was really close to her. But Garrett did not allow that. Everyone hates the guy. He alienated her from her kids her family and friends. He is manipulative and controlling and would read her text messages. He didn't want anybody close to her and her one daughter Dyanna figured him out and called him a control freak and that's when he said "Margaret kick Dyanna out she's a c***" and the mother kicked her daughter out with her 2 year old grandchild. She chose a man over her daughter and grandchild she's a horrible mother. I think Garrett is very manipulative but the mother shouldn't fall for it and be controlled by him and her decisions with her kids. If anything he over steps his boundaries. He's just the boyfriend and he speaks ill of the step father that raised them and treated them right. The step father genuinely loves them, that he built an addition for Dyanna and her little girl so they have their own little apartment. Yet Garrett would insult him and speak ill of a man that raised these kids as his own right in front of me and the siblings and I'm thinking "what the help is wrong with this guy? This man raised them, treated them right, made sure Dyanna and her little.girl weren't on the street., and her boyfriend is talking smack on him?" he is the one that is disrespectful. Everybody seems to missing that. Thanks for understanding Ferret and sorry you went through that with your family as well.

[katiegrl]

OP, excuse me but it was your bf's sister's boyfriend who called you a fat slut, after which you called him a scumbag. Fair enough!

 

But then you proceeded to call his entire family, including his mother, "trash" and "psychos"!!

 

THAT, my dear was rude, unnecessary and 100% - 1,000% uncalled for...regardless of whatever she said to her son about you. She is his mother!!!

 

In what world do you live where it's okay and justified to call your boyfriend's mother, and entire family "trash" and "psychos" ....are you serious?

 

THEY didn't call you a fat slut, did they?

 

No they didn't, his sister's bf did, and you addressed that with him by calling him a skumbag. Which was fine. It's not how I would have handled it, but whatevs. It's fine.

 

But you were wrong and completely disrespectful to call his mother and entire family trash and psycho just because his sister's asshat bf called you a slut.

 

If you felt disrespected by his mother for whatever she said to her son about you, then you just leave!

 

That said, I actually commend you for trying to bring the family together.

 

I think your heart was in the right place when you did that.

 

But again you were flat out wrong and disrespectful when you called his mother and family trash and psycho, again they were NOT the ones who called you a fat slut.

 

I keep repeating it cuz I think it's important for you to understand the damage you did when you called them those things...as you seem to think it was okay. It wasn't. Not in my world anyway. Nor in anyone's world, except maybe Jerry Springer's...

 

Hopefully, time will heal this and you can all move forward in peace.

 

Take care and good luck...

Edited March 14, 2016 by katiegrl

[Ferret]

. I called them trash and psychos when my boyfriend called his mom and said to her "wtf is up with your boyfriend calling her that mom?" and the mother laughed and backed him up. She a didn't think it was wrong and thought it was cute that he said that to me. She then went on to say "oh you can find a much prettier girl she's a mess."\.

 

OP, excuse me but it was your bf's sister's boyfriend who called you a fat slut, after which you called him a scumbag. Fair enough!

 

But then you proceeded to call his entire family, including his mother, "trash" and "psychos"!!

 

THAT, my dear was rude, unnecessary and 100% - 1,000% uncalled for...regardless of whatever she said to her son about you. She is his mother!!!

 

In what world do you live where it's okay and justified to call your boyfriend's mother, and entire family "trash" and "psychos" ....are you serious?

 

THEY didn't call you a fat slut, did they?

 

No they didn't, his sister's bf did, and you addressed that with him by calling him a skumbag. Which was fine. It's not how I would have handled it, but whatevs. It's fine.

 

But you were wrong and completely disrespectful to call his mother and entire family trash and psycho just because his sister's asshat bf called you a slut.

 

If you felt disrespected by his mother for whatever she said to her son about you, , then you just leave!

 

That said, I actually commend you for trying to bring the family together.

 

I think your heart was in the right place when you did that.

 

But again you were flat out wrong and disrespectful when you called his mother and family trash and psycho, again they were NOT the ones who called you a fat slut.

 

I keep repeating it cuz I think it's important to understand the damage you did when you did that.

 

Hopefully, time will heal this and you can all move forward in peace.

 

Take care and good luck...

 

Ok lets call a spade a spade here I also quoted were the OP says the mother backed this BF of hers up after wards now that tells me when he said it she was also sitting there backing him up..a tiger doesn't change their stripes that quick after all...

 

Believe me im all for taking personally responsibility but I think the OPs boyfriends family were no church group in all this carry on..No one gets a "pass to abuse" just cause they are some ones mother or sister she doesn't owe them respect when they clearly showed her very little or none its a two way street.

 

From the sounds of it the family pushed and the OP pushed back..its a wash is it unfortunate it came to that? of course so but I really don't think the BF acted all alone from what we are hearing here and the family were just innocent bystanders..

 

Op cut your losses with these people just be happy to be with your BF at this point focus on your relationship..like I said never try to create a wedge between him and them but never allow them to disrespect you ether stand up for yourself but don't go looking for conflict..

 

A lot of people simply don't understand this kind of family dynamic cause they have never had to see it or deal with it 1st hand so they automatically think your just a rude and disrespectful gf and honestly that's just not the case some times..good luck and stand firm..

Edited March 14, 2016 by Ferret

[katiegrl]

Ok lets call a spade a spade here I also quoted were the OP says the mother backed this BF of hers up after wards now that tells me when he said it she was also sitting there backing him up..a tiger doesn't change their stripes that quick after all...

 

Believe me im all for taking personally responsibility but I think the OPs boyfriends family were no church group in all this carry on..No one gets a "pass to abuse" just cause they are some ones mother or sister she doesn't owe them respect when they clearly showed her very little or none its a two way street.

 

From the sounds of it the family pushed and the OP pushed back..its a wash is it unfortunate it came to that? of course so but I really don't think the BF acted all alone from what we are hearing here and the family were just innocent bystanders..

 

Op cut your losses with these people just be happy to be with your BF at this point focus on your relationship..like I said never try to create a wedge between him and them but never allow them to disrespect you ether stand up for yourself but don't go looking conflict..

 

A lot of people simply don't understand this kind of family dynamic cause they have never had to see it or deal with it 1st hand so they automatically think your just a rude and disrespectful gf and honestly that's just not the case some times..good luck and stand firm..

 

I actually agree with you here.

 

And the only reason I posted what I posted was because OP was acting like a blameless victim, when the fact is *everyone* was to blame here, plus I was raised to respect my elders...no matter what.

 

But yeah his family is toxic!

 

And she is wanting to reconcile with them ....and doesn't understand why they don't want to.

 

OP take above advice and walk away from these toxic and dysfunctional people.

 

You don't need that crap in your life.

 

I still think it was wrong to call his mother trash...I would have just left and never looked back, but what's done is done, move on.

 

Be happy with your bf and leave it at that.

 

Best of luck moving forward

Edited March 14, 2016 by katiegrl

[Miss Clavel]

I really wasn't trying to over step my boundaries. My boyfriend even told me to try to talk to his mother because she likes me so much that I might get through to her. I was trying to help because they are a very dysfunctional family, and his mother abused him badly. He has depression, anxiety, and all sorts of issues because of his abusive mother and father. Everyone is missing the point of me calling them "trash" and "psychos" well what about the boyfriend calling me a "fat slut"? That was unnecessary. I am not controlling my boyfriend. If he wants to go he can go, I just feel betrayed is all. I really was working slow with his mother. I was trying to help. His mother backed her boyfriend up and laughed when he called me a "fat slut" when I told them both that I have self esteem issues, and i was called "fat" my whole life, so it really hits me to the core when someone calls me "fat", and they hit me where it hurts. I didn't say she was a terribly mother at all. I told her "Margaret, I think your son has a lot of issues that stem from his childhood, you are not a bad mother, I am not saying that. I think you are a beautiful person. I just think that it would help if you and Brandon had a sit down and talked, and maybe that would help. He goes on and on saying he wishes for your love, and I told him many times that you do truly love him, but he says he doesn't feel it. Maybe talk to him about that, and reassure him you do love him. Also his sister always wonders why he hates her, and I think he should tell her the deep issue why. I am not saying it is right, but it is only right to tell her how he feels so they both can work and resolve the issue. Thank you."

 

That's what I literally said, and her boyfriend jumped in and called me names and when Brandon called his mom to tell him about it, she laughed and said, "Oh well". Knowing that I have self esteem issues, and so I fired back because I had genuine love and care for them, and they acted like teenagers, and bullied me, then his mother went on to say "She's not even pretty, you can get a prettier girl, and she's a mess." Everybody is over looking how insulting they were to me first. and I retaliated. There's a difference. However, I do want to apologize, and reconcile. But we both deserve an apology. Her boyfriend is a control freak, he didn't like the one daughter Dyanna, she used the wrong towel to clean up a spill and he flipped on her and Dyanna flipped on him, and in a result of that the mother kicked her and her 2 year child out of the house with nowhere to go. she chose a man over her kids. He called Dyanna a bunch of names so she fired back and he said "Get her out of here Margaret you're daughter is a C***" So the mother kicked her and her grandchild out. Everybody hates this guy, because he ruins relationships the mother has with people, he didn't like that me and Margaret were close and talked almost everyday. He would always get involved in out text convos and take her phone and say "SHE HAS TO GET UP FOR WORK, STOP TEXTING HER." Then Margaret would get on the phone and say "Sorry Garrett wants me to go to bed he thinks I am up too late. good night sweetie." and I said "I am so sorry I kept you up, don't ever hesitate to tell me when you want to go to sleep or you want to stop texting. Sorry about that. Have a good night Margaret." She said "Oh, I am fine, it's just that Garrett is getting annoyed." Her boyfriend is a piece of crap and she just goes along with it. Just letting that out there.

 

 

what do you see in this man? it appears he and his family are bargain basement on a clearance sale. he should thank his lucky stars you even speak to him.

 

omg. AIM HIGHER.

 

do me a favor and think about how this will play out, down the road. you and he marry, no one comes to the wedding or they do come and ruin it.

 

then you have children, and no one shows up at the hospital or at the sip and see, or they do and they ruin it.

 

then, he takes your kids to that bitch's house to celebrate all the birthdays and holidays that we hold so dear, WITHOUT YOU.

 

you will be alone. every holiday. every birthday, including your own.

 

for me, if he goes, he better keep right on going, out of my life.

 

hell NO!!

[kendahke]

I really wasn't trying to over step my boundaries. My boyfriend even told me to try to talk to his mother because she likes me so much that I might get through to her. I was trying to help because they are a very dysfunctional family, and his mother abused him badly. He has depression, anxiety, and all sorts of issues because of his abusive mother and father.

 

And you got your doctorate in family psychotherapy where, exactly? You've set up practice where and for how many years now?

 

If your boyfriend can't unravel that Gordian knot, neither can you.

 

Everyone is missing the point of me calling them "trash" and "psychos" well what about the boyfriend calling me a "fat slut"? That was unnecessary.

 

No. No one is missing the point of you being called that name. Yes it was beyond uncalled for for the boyfriend to call you that--no one disputes that--but that riposte didn't happen in a vacuum. It was prompted by your behavior. The boyfriend would not have lost his mind on you had you not been sticking your nose in where it didn't belong. Perhaps mom was getting a little sick and tired of you meddling in her family's issues, even though they are monstrous and complicated, and said something to Garrett about how she's getting tired of it. And since you're not her bff, she wasn't going to tell you that--she was probably hoping you'd drop it, but you didn't.

 

I am not controlling my boyfriend. If he wants to go he can go, I just feel betrayed is all.

 

And that's a valid statement. As I said earlier, feelings are neither right nor wrong--you're entitled to feel any way you wish to feel.

 

I really was working slow with his mother. I was trying to help. His mother backed her boyfriend up and laughed when he called me a "fat slut" when I told them both that I have self esteem issues, and i was called "fat" my whole life, so it really hits me to the core when someone calls me "fat", and they hit me where it hurts.

 

His mom is at the nexxus of a lot of negative issues in that family, though. Did you really expect her to treat someone she's not related to any better than she treats her own babies? You were expecting way more than she is capable of delivering.

 

I didn't say she was a terribly mother at all. I told her "Margaret, I think your son has a lot of issues that stem from his childhood, you are not a bad mother, I am not saying that. I think you are a beautiful person. I just think that it would help if you and Brandon had a sit down and talked, and maybe that would help. He goes on and on saying he wishes for your love, and I told him many times that you do truly love him, but he says he doesn't feel it. Maybe talk to him about that, and reassure him you do love him. Also his sister always wonders why he hates her, and I think he should tell her the deep issue why. I am not saying it is right, but it is only right to tell her how he feels so they both can work and resolve the issue. Thank you." That's what I literally said,

 

 

Again--a lot of "I"'s in there--this wasn't about you at all, yet you made this whole thing out to be what you think when at the end of the day, what you think about it didn't matter to them--and by his mom's reaction, you can see that what you thought about how she conducts her family isn't in her field of caring.

 

and her boyfriend jumped in and called me names and when Brandon called his mom to tell him about it, she laughed and said, "Oh well". Knowing that I have self esteem issues,

 

Knowing about your issues and caring about your issues are two different things--and you expected her to care about your issues when she doesn't even care about the issues of her own baby. Do you not see where you wandered into a fire wearing a gasoline (petrol) suit?

 

and so I fired back because I had genuine love and care for them, and they acted like teenagers, and bullied me, then his mother went on to say "She's not even pretty, you can get a prettier girl, and she's a mess." Everybody is over looking how insulting they were to me first.

 

To be sure, what they said is uncalled for. No one here disputes that. But again, had you not been meddling where your input was not asked for (his mother or sister or the boyfriend didn't ask you to come to them to mediate an intervention), they wouldn't have gone in on you like they did. Genuine love for them would have you recognize that love was all you are equipped to do for them, not attempt to broker interventions. This was about you being the hero of the day and it failed completely.

 

 

and I retaliated. There's a difference. However, I do want to apologize, and reconcile.

 

 

You need to understand that this isn't going to happen on your time table. Quit pushing those people for emotional things they are not interested/prepared to give you. Just stop it. You have to let this go for now, unless you want them to go really hard in the paint on you.

 

But we both deserve an apology. Her boyfriend is a control freak, he didn't like the one daughter Dyanna, she used the wrong towel to clean up a spill and he flipped on her and Dyanna flipped on him, and in a result of that the mother kicked her and her 2 year child out of the house with nowhere to go. she chose a man over her kids. He called Dyanna a bunch of names so she fired back and he said "Get her out of here Margaret you're daughter is a C***" So the mother kicked her and her grandchild out. Everybody hates this guy, because he ruins relationships the mother has with people, he didn't like that me and Margaret were close and talked almost everyday. He would always get involved in out text convos and take her phone and say "SHE HAS TO GET UP FOR WORK, STOP TEXTING HER." Then Margaret would get on the phone and say "Sorry Garrett wants me to go to bed he thinks I am up too late. good night sweetie." and I said "I am so sorry I kept you up, don't ever hesitate to tell me when you want to go to sleep or you want to stop texting. Sorry about that. Have a good night Margaret." She said "Oh, I am fine, it's just that Garrett is getting annoyed." Her boyfriend is a piece of crap and she just goes along with it. Just letting that out there.

 

Until he dies or leaves the mom or the mom dies, he's not going anywhere, so quit obsessing on him. He does something for the mother that the rest of her family ain't providing, so he's not going to be leaving the scene. If he didn't, he wouldn't be there--seems she's more than equipped to know how to get people out of her life. Garrett isn't going anywhere. That is the starting point in all interactions with your boyfriend's family. So you can either settle into your re-defined role within that family or leave your boyfriend and his "6 years of needed intensive psychotherapy before he is no longer fragmented" alone and find another man whose family isn't so bloody messy. Why in heaven's name would you want to enter into this level of mess? This is akin hoarding--all that negativity under that roof.

Edited March 14, 2016 by kendahke

[sandylee1]

The mom's boyfriend was wrong..there is NO DOUBT about that at all...HOWEVER stopping to their level by insulting the whole family was equally wrong. You should have just left them to it. The mom's BF is crazy to speak that way to you.... but that's a sign to get far away from the family... no good can come of it.

 

You bit of more than you could chew with this dysfunctional family.. again . YOU are NOT QUALIFIED to deal with the deep and serious issues this family have... that was a BIG mistake.

 

So you think you were justified to say what you did ? Fine.... where is that going to get you now?. Not very far I don't think.

[LivingWaterPlease]

OP, you can't expect to step into any family or established group and manage it no matter how good your intentions are.

 

The best you could have done is to have dated your bf and behaved in a healthy way until one of the family members asked you for advice on their own issues and behavior (not on how to fix the others in the group). In order for that to happen, you would have had to first establish trust with the entire group. This would have taken time, caring and basic respect for the other individuals.

 

The only way you can come out of the hole you've dug for yourself in this group of individuals is to apologize for your insulting remarks about them and back off of trying to manage them, then behave respectfully toward them.

[Ferret]

The only way you can come out of the hole you've dug for yourself in this group of individuals is to apologize for your insulting remarks about them and back off of trying to manage them, then behave respectfully toward them.

 

 

The funny thing about that is no matter how hard one tries you cant really polish a turd at the end of the day its still just a turd...no amount of polish will turn it into a diamond.. these people sound manipulative at best and abusive at worst..and if the Op didn't happen to be this boys GF and they were acting the way they are I bet she would have gotten very different responses.

 

Why on earth is respect automatically "owed" to a group of people just cause there is a blood relationship? ill never understand. I think as I said some don't understand this kinda family dynamic cause its not the regular "oh we had a little argument over something and in a week or so we can all sit down like adults" and sort it kinda thing..its a different zebra entirely!

 

There are indeed family's who just do not function on a healthy level at all and with those kind of individuals you eater draw your line in the sand and set the boundary's or they will happily walk all over you and laugh as they do it. Some times setting those boundary's is not a pleasant affair but it needs to be done..

 

I really don't get the vibe that the OP was just some snot nosed kid who came in and started abusing the family for no good reason. Im sure that happens but I don't think that's the case here..so im really not to sure why some are riding her about the respect thing respect is earned in this world least in mine it is..

 

These people have shown a repeated pattern of manipulation and cruelty and we wouldn't expect a stranger to accept that out on the street why do we some how give them a mega pass cause they are this girls BFs family..? I don't know I guess its cause I grew up in this kind of family and I have learned how to deal with it and if you don't you get chewed up and spit out..

 

Anyways to each their own I guess we all have different views I just hate how some are trying to scorn this girl like shes just a bad GF..if anything she tried to hard to fix a bad situation and got bit in the butt for it maybe over stepped her boundaries a tiny bit? ok fair enough when some one we love is hurting some times we don't make the best choices at that exact moment.

 

 

Im sure shes learned her lesson well I would hope so..these people have nothing to offer her and her bf but drama and heartache now the BF is not a bad guy just cause he came from a insane family it happens. Long as he treats her well and he clearly cares cause he did call his mother and stand up for her what more can we ask the kid?

 

Its never pleasant when family makes one choose or play the field between people we love but that's what some unhealthy manipulative family's do sadly all we can do is respond accordingly and put up our healthy boundaries and move on..

[anika99]

OP sorry to say that I agree with everyone else. Your intentions may have been good but you had no business sticking your nose into that family's business. Also I don't think your sweet words of love and care for that family were really all that sincere and I'm pretty sure they could see through that syrupy BS too. I mean the mom's bf insulted you and your immediate response to that was to condemn the entire family as trash and psychos. If I had been the mom and heard that I would think to myself "ahhhh..so now she's revealing what she truly thinks of us, finally the truth comes out!"

 

 

I have adult sons and if either of them brought you into my house you can rest assured that nobody would talk to you the way the mom's bf talked to you. I wouldn't allow it. However if you came onto me with your ideas about what I needed to do to fix my family I would have put you in your place in 2 seconds flat. Do not meddle people's business. You only have a small tiny picture of that family's dynamics that is filtered through your bf. You don't know his mother, you don't where she has been or what her life has entailed. It was so arrogant of you to think you're going to come along and fix an entire family's dysfunction and all without being asked.

 

 

Most importantly though I can tell you that you can't fix people period!! Why are you wasting your time a guy who comes from a trashy family of psychos and who has serious issues because of it? Do you think you are going to fix him too? Don't pick a guy who has to be fixed. Get out of that drama and find a stable guy.

[Ferret]

 

 

I have adult sons and if either of them brought you into my house you can rest assured that nobody would talk to you the way the mom's bf talked to you..

 

 

And that right there is the difference between healthy and dysfunctional the fact it even went down the way it did is the difference some just cant see it seams again I guess its cause such dysfunction isn't the norm and a lot just don't get it..

[anika99]

And that right there is the difference between healthy and dysfunctional the fact it even went down the way it did is the difference some just cant see it seams again I guess its cause such dysfunction isn't the norm and a lot just don't get it..

 

I don't think anyone here is denying that this family is dysfunctional. That is actually the whole point. When you shove your nose into the business of a dysfunctional group of people that is the reaction you are going to get. I'm not sure why the OP thought this trashy family of psychos was going to welcome her unasked for opinions.

[Ferret]

I don't think anyone here is denying that this family is dysfunctional. That is actually the whole point. When you shove your nose into the business of a dysfunctional group of people that is the reaction you are going to get. I'm not sure why the OP thought this trashy family of psychos was going to welcome her unasked for opinions.

 

So your now calling them trash yet scolding the OP for doing the same thing?..end of the day so what she questioned a dysfunctional family unit that was causing her bf pain..dose that make their response some how more validated then her own? its almost like the dysfunction was some how a badge of honor and how dare some one question it...

 

Eh im sorry but if a family is going to act like a bunch of uncivilized inbreeds then don't be shocked and insulted when people take note of that or question it especially when its causing some one they love pain..

 

Some times the best thing to do isn't always to stick our heads in the sand..the op tried maybe to much we honestly don't know it back fired on her maybe they might just lighten up on the bf a little for her efforts maybe not but at least she cared enough to try..