His ex stole my purse, how would you handle it?

[upnorth]

I had posted about an older gentleman I've been seeing for months now. Started off casual, it's evolved into something more, but we had not yet had a discussion of what it is...however , we were exclusive in the sense we were not sleeping with anyone else, and spent about 4 nights a week together.

 

A couple of nights ago I went to see him play. His ex was there with another man. She was pointedly ignoring the man I'm currently with. At one point I got up to dance with my girlfriends and I ( as woman do) pointed his ex out to my girlfriend. We all watched as she stood up , walked over to our table, took my purse off the back of my chair, put it over her shoulder and walked outside.

 

I stood there open mouthed for a moment then said " did she just take my purse?" Now, in a dark bar, easy to mistake things at times. However my purse as stated was over the back of a chair , it's a handcrafted leather purse with a design imprinted on the front that is unique, it was made by a friend as a gift. Not to mention it was clear across the bar , our table.

 

I went outside , and there she was , my purse over her shoulder , smoking my cigarettes . I said " oh I think that's my purse. " She looked at me and said " oh really? Yeah, I couldn't find mine"

 

I asked her for it back , then went inside , found her purse and gave it to her.

 

Absolutely absurd, and actually somewhat funny, except she then started blatantly hitting on a man I used to date. I made the comment to a friend" thisis getting weird", then ignored her.

 

At the end of the night she stayed around hovering...she kept trying to approach me and my gf's but while we were being polite, she kept giving the man I'm with the eyes so it was obviously hoping he would notice. He ignored her, she began hitting on someone else, and then paraded him ( it was obvious as she waited until he was at his car out front ) past us as we were getting in.

 

 

He and I went home together, and the next morning after we woke up , I brought the whole situation up. He started laughing , then said " yeah , she can act strange at times"....I got angry and said " strange? She stole my purse. She took my things out of it. That's not strange, that's theft" which then turned into a larger argument during which I got upset and made a comment and said " well you just proved one of my most disappointing theories , once men get hung up on a particular woman , they will look past any behaviours , apparently including theft, and blatantly trying to hook up with any men they can in a bar up to and including my ex and your friend in a juvenile attempt getting you to react and notice her, glad to see she succeeded."

 

I should also mention , he was not in the " mood " as he never is after we run into her...I have learned not to mention her, even though we discuss other exes freely...but her behaviours I found to be absurd the night before, I felt it was time we had a discussion about her.

 

I ended up going back over to his place later that night and saying to him " you know what, I don't do drama, so I think it's better we end this " his reply was essentially " this is your choice , not mine. If you want to blow this all up, it's your decision" . I went on to say after some more discussion to say " seeing as you two are still friends, I don't think I'm asking too much for you to mention any of this to her, and point out that her behaviours were horrible" . He said " not going to happen" . When he drove me home as I was getting out of the car he said " if you change your mind after you calm down, text me in a couple of days, this ' drama' is all in your head".

 

I know I could have not reacted, but really, she worked quite hard to do so and yes, she succeeded...am I wrong to be incredibly frustrated that he is basically saying " it's all in my head?"

[Tayla]

I shall extend to you some words you relayed a bit back ...(it was a rather wise statement)

 

"I'm generally of the mind, when it comes to dating, follow your intuition...and if you have to ask, you usually have your answer."

 

I think your intuition will serve you well. GL!

[introverted1]

This is confusing.

 

• You were at a play that your current bf was acting in
  
• Your girlfriends were there
  
• You were dancing with your gf's (at a play? -- where was your bf at this time?)
  
• Your bf's ex was there, with her own date but...
  
• She started hitting on a guy you used to date (how did she know this?)...
  
• The ex gf stole your purse, admitted it, returned it...
  
• Your bf doesn't think any of this is strange.
  

 

Is that an accurate summation?

[elaine567]

This is confusing.

 

• You were at a play that your current bf was acting in
  
• You were dancing with your gf's (at a play? -- where was your bf at this time?)
  

 

A couple of nights ago I went to see him play.

 

I guess he is a musician not an actor.

[ExpatInItaly]

This is confusing.

 

• You were at a play that your current bf was acting in
  
• Your girlfriends were there
  
• You were dancing with your gf's (at a play? -- where was your bf at this time?)
  
• Your bf's ex was there, with her own date but...
  
• She started hitting on a guy you used to date (how did she know this?)...
  
• The ex gf stole your purse, admitted it, returned it...
  
• Your bf doesn't think any of this is strange.
  

 

Is that an accurate summation?

 

I think she meant her guy is in a band and she was there to watch him play music.

 

But I also find it odd that the ex knows who you used to date, OP. Where did she get that information?

 

I think the fact that your guy is still friends with her is concerning. Her behaviour towards you is disrespectful and illegal, and he just classifies it as "strange."

 

Are you sure he's not still seeing her?

[upnorth]

Sorry, yes, musician.

 

She had arrived with another man ( whom she appeared to be quite close with)..he was quite intoxicated and left early, she stayed on, alone.

 

And as to my ex, I have no idea how or if she even knew he was my ex( except perhaps that we live in a small town , and it's one of those everyone knows someone you know if not you kind of things). I don't think she did know, but after the purse thing, seeing her hit on him, the absurdity of it all went up a notch.

 

And no, I do know they are not still seeing each other....most of the evenings we don't spend together are due to his commitments those evenings. Also, where he was in love with her, I think of they were to reengage, he would have dropped me.

[upnorth]

Oh and the " still friends " thing...I mean friendly in the way in that if she is at a gig they catch up, and he repaired her bass for her a couple of months back...I have no issues with that, I stay friendly with exes , and would be upset with someone I was dating if they dictated I could not, provided it was only friendship.

[BlueIris]

...

He and I went home together, and the next morning after we woke up , I brought the whole situation up. He started laughing , then said " yeah , she can act strange at times"....I got angry and said " strange? She stole my purse. She took my things out of it. That's not strange, that's theft" which then turned into a larger argument during which I got upset and made a comment and said " well you just proved one of my most disappointing theories , once men get hung up on a particular woman , they will look past any behaviours , apparently including theft, and blatantly trying to hook up with any men they can in a bar up to and including my ex and your friend in a juvenile attempt getting you to react and notice her, glad to see she succeeded."

 

I should also mention , he was not in the " mood " as he never is after we run into her...I have learned not to mention her, even though we discuss other exes freely...but her behaviours I found to be absurd the night before, I felt it was time we had a discussion about her.

 

I ended up going back over to his place later that night and saying to him " you know what, I don't do drama, so I think it's better we end this " his reply was essentially " this is your choice , not mine. If you want to blow this all up, it's your decision" . I went on to say after some more discussion to say " seeing as you two are still friends, I don't think I'm asking too much for you to mention any of this to her, and point out that her behaviours were horrible" . He said " not going to happen" . When he drove me home as I was getting out of the car he said " if you change your mind after you calm down, text me in a couple of days, this ' drama' is all in your head".

 

I know I could have not reacted, but really, she worked quite hard to do so and yes, she succeeded...am I wrong to be incredibly frustrated that he is basically saying " it's all in my head?"

 

Haha. No, you're right and he's doing the classic deflection, "you're making a big deal about nothing, you need to calm down, you're being a problem." (= "Please don't make me do the right thing. I don't wanna.")

The writing's on the wall about this guy.

[katiegrl]

This is confusing.

 

• You were at a play that your current bf was acting in
  
• Your girlfriends were there
  
• You were dancing with your gf's (at a play? -- where was your bf at this time?)
  
• Your bf's ex was there, with her own date but...
  
• She started hitting on a guy you used to date (how did she know this?)...
  
• The ex gf stole your purse, admitted it, returned it...
  
• Your bf doesn't think any of this is strange.
  

 

Is that an accurate summation?

 

The OP also wrote this:

 

>>She was pointedly ignoring the man I am currently with.<<

 

OP, what man you were currently with? You said you were with your girlfriends.

 

Do you mean your boyfriend, her ex? The one playing in the band?

 

Or did you mean to write the man *she* was currently with?

 

A little confused about that.

Edited March 12, 2016 by katiegrl

[upnorth]

I didn't mean for this to be so confusing haha...the man I'm seeing was playing with his band. I was there with my girlfriends.

 

She was ignoring her ex, the man I'm currently with.

 

 

By pointedly ignoring I mean when there earlier in the evening with original man ( and from what the man I'm dating has told me, there is tension between the two me due to her) she sat with her back to the stage.

 

While he was playing, if she was up dancing she would give him the eye once in a while, but then outside smoking in between sets , she would turn her back towards him when he came out .

 

It was all some kind of weird game, that I'm unsure of her motives...as I said , she ended up going home with one of his band mates, and it was not done discreetly.

 

I also think who the man was did not matter in the least.

 

I will also admit that a few years ago she picked up one of my recent exes at a bar while I watched, and at the time I was put off by it.

 

So I'm not sure if this all something I have built up in my head due to the fact that yes, I do see her as a woman who is loose and also , the purse thing. I ' m a little Heebie jeebied out about two things 1. Obviously, we find the same sort of man attractive. If they find her attractive, what does that say of me and 2. Again, obviously she sleeps around , and where we have shared men.....just ewwww.

Edited March 12, 2016 by upnorth
Clarification

[elaine567]

Your problem is with the ex not the purse, which I presume she gave you back.

YOUR man sees the problem as two exes getting jealous and causing drama over nothing and he is trying to distance himself from it.

I guess the ex is a bit of weird woman and so he sees you getting angry with her actions as funny, as it is just the way she is.

I guess it all depends as to whether you want her to split the two of you up over a purse, or not...

Of course if his usual response to your concerns are to minimise them with a "Calm down dear" approach, then you may have a far bigger problem.

[upnorth]

I do recognize the problem is not the purse, in and amongst itself.

 

And yes, I was hoping for a bit more if a reaction than " yeah she's strange"..obviously or I would not have brought it up.

 

However, stealing a random purse to smoke someone's cigarettes? I don't think she even knew it was mine, I think that was just something she did. And it's weird, and yeah. From what I understand from what I've been told by others about her...if someone was to take her purse and go through it, I don't think she would have reacted kindly.

 

As to drama between ex and current woman...as I said, I asked for my purse back , then found hers and have it back to her with a smile saying" here you go, no worries ".

 

I don't think it could have been handled less dramatically, but yes I think the bigger problem is that I think I did have a right the next morning to be a little stupefied by all of her odd behaviours and discuss them, and to get more than a little " yeah she can be strange"

[Popsicle]

I would have been upset, gotten my purse back from her like you did and brought it up to the boyfriend the next day, but I wouldn't have been bothered by his response. It seemed ok to me. *shrugs*

[TXGuy]

 

I ended up going back over to his place later that night and saying to him " you know what, I don't do drama, ...

 

 

That is not the impression I got from reading your posts.

 

From your boyfriend's point of view:

 

He got home from playing a gig, he's probably in a good mood. You get to his place and drop a big load of drama in his lap. He agrees that his ex is nuts. That isn't good enough for you and you pick a fight about it. You then tell him to simultaneously cut contact with her while at the same time telling him to confront her and get in the middle of this nonsense. He (quite rightly) tells you he won't do that. You break up with him. He drives you home and tells you he is still open to reconciling if you calm down in a few days.

 

He seems like the sensible one here.

Edited March 12, 2016 by TXGuy

[introverted1]

I guess he is a musician not an actor.

 

Yes, my bad. Sorry.

[introverted1]

I do recognize the problem is not the purse, in and amongst itself.

 

And yes, I was hoping for a bit more if a reaction than " yeah she's strange"..obviously or I would not have brought it up.

 

However, stealing a random purse to smoke someone's cigarettes? I don't think she even knew it was mine, I think that was just something she did. And it's weird, and yeah. From what I understand from what I've been told by others about her...if someone was to take her purse and go through it, I don't think she would have reacted kindly.

 

As to drama between ex and current woman...as I said, I asked for my purse back , then found hers and have it back to her with a smile saying" here you go, no worries ".

 

I don't think it could have been handled less dramatically, but yes I think the bigger problem is that I think I did have a right the next morning to be a little stupefied by all of her odd behaviours and discuss them, and to get more than a little " yeah she can be strange"

 

How did you know which purse was hers?

 

You seem to know an awful lot about each other - you can find her purse in a presumably crowded bar and she knows who you used to date. I dunno, I am just having a hard time imagining all of this.

 

In any case, I am not sure what you wanted your bf to do. It would appear that you live in a very tine town indeed, so odds are that you will run into his ex on other occasions Plus you say you are ok with him being friendly with her. So what action do you want him to take? And why do you need him to speak for you at all? Was the incident not satisfactorily resolved that night?

[upnorth]

Her purse was at the table she had been sitting at all night. It took me verifying with one person sitting with her that the unattended purse at her table, was in fact hers. Not rocket science.

 

I did not bring it up that night . I waited until the next morning.

 

 

This is the whole thing. The whole night was absurd. I do not think she knew my ex was my ex. At all. I think she was just looking for a random to take home.

 

I do not think she knew my purse belonged to me. I think she had decided tj root through an unattended one to see what she could find then use, ie cigarettes. ( they cost 16 dollars a pack here).

 

I guess, yes, I was looking for more than a reaction than what he gave, because I found her behaviours so off putting, and it was all somewhat difficult to process. As to the person who said they had difficulty imagining this, well yeah. Now you may see what once I thought it about the next day my reaction was " who the heck is this woman???"

[katiegrl]

Franky upnorth, since you admit she did not even know it was *your* purse ...nor did she know the guy she was flirting with was *your* ex .... why are you taking any of this so personally, as some personal affront against *you*?

 

And as such, why would you expect your boyfriend to react at all?

 

She did nothing to *you* that would warrant any reaction from your bf at all!

 

Again, she neither knew it was your purse or that the guy was your ex.

 

Seems like a whole lot of stirring up drama ...for nothing.

[Lorenza]

I think you're the one being unreasonable here breaking up with him for literally nothing. Yes, that girl surely does sound a little crazy, but why does your boyfriend need to be held responsible for her actions and confront her? Men tend to avoid situations like that and rather take things lightly than blow them out of proportion. No harm was done, right?

Sometimes we women should learn from men and get a thicker skin.

[kendahke]

 

She was ignoring her ex, the man I'm currently with.

 

she sat with her back to the stage.

 

While he was playing, if she was up dancing she would give him the eye once in a while, but then outside smoking in between sets , she would turn her back towards him when he came out .

 

It was all some kind of weird game, that I'm unsure of her motives...as I said , she ended up going home with one of his band mates, and it was not done discreetly.

 

She isn't over your boyfriend. That's what all this is about. If she was, she'd act indifferent, not try to get your boyfriend's or your attention (and from his reaction to what you told him, he's not done with her, either. Indifference should have been his response, not)

 

he was not in the " mood " as he never is after we run into her...I have learned not to mention her, even though we discuss other exes freely.. his reply was essentially " this is your choice , not mine. If you want to blow this all up, it's your decision" . I went on to say after some more discussion to say " seeing as you two are still friends, I don't think I'm asking too much for you to mention any of this to her, and point out that her behaviours were horrible" . He said " not going to happen" . When he drove me home as I was getting out of the car he said " if you change your mind after you calm down, text me in a couple of days, this ' drama' is all in your head".

 

No, this drama fell out in experience at you and your girlfriends' feet last night, plus she stole your purse and rifled through it.

 

She's doing the typical, tired, base, weak-sauce "make him jealous by ignoring him, going home with his bandmate in order to spark tension between the two of them" silly girl move.

 

 

I will also admit that a few years ago she picked up one of my recent exes at a bar while I watched, and at the time I was put off by it.

 

So I'm not sure if this all something I have built up in my head due to the fact that yes, I do see her as a woman who is loose and also , the purse thing. I ' m a little Heebie jeebied out about two things 1. Obviously, we find the same sort of man attractive. If they find her attractive, what does that say of me and 2. Again, obviously she sleeps around , and where we have shared men.....just ewwww.

 

That is some creepy isht.

[preraph]

I would have called the police and at least had them come and embarrass her in public, which is all they'd have done probably.

[katiegrl]

OP admitted later, this chick didn't even know it was her purse that she stole...or that she was flirting with her ex ...so frankly not even sure what all the hoopla is about.

[upnorth]

I don't even know. I was giving her the benefit of the doubt that she did not know it was my purse, but when I said that the girlfriends I was with, they both said " of course she knew it was yours!!!it was on your chair! No other purses lookalike! We watched her walk directly to it!"

 

Anyhow, I'm trying to let it all go, but I am a little worked up when I think about it.

 

If she did know it was my purse, then obviously she was trying to start something.

 

And I know her taking his friend home was design for jealousy...but I'm still not clear as to what her motives are.

 

Over and done with, I DID get extremely upset, we had not yet discussed what we were to each other...if she 's the ONE who broke his heart , then I also think that speaks volumes about him.

 

When I go to retrieve my belongings , I will apologize for losing my cool over the purse.

 

Although , seeing as I can now say I know she has slept with one ex, tried to with another...and we have this man in common...in all reality, even had she gotten the purse home , it wouldn't have been long before some gentleman caller noticed and remarked that it looked a lot like a purse that belonged to someone he knew.