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Do you want to be friends with your ex's new SO?

lana-banana

By lana-banana
in General Relationship Discussion

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lana-banana Established Member

lana-banana

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If your reaction to the title is a knee-jerk "HELL no" then you're like me. But maybe I'm the weird one. Is this a normal thing? If someone you dumped gushed about how much she wants to meet the girl you left her for---but also said there was no need to compare each other---would you regard that as sincerely interested or crazy ex-girlfriend territory?

 

When my boyfriend got this message he turned to me and said "Wow. How would you like me to respond?" How would you respond? Have you ever developed a genuine friendship with your ex's new SO? Are you supposed to try to be friends to prove everything is normal and no one has hurt feelings? Is it bad to want to avoid your partner's exes?

carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
Posted

I offered my exW's BF a job. She turned me down. Heh, after doing the job myself, and seeing how easy it was, he could've made 100 bucks an hour cash by what I offered the job for and heck he's a professional mason and I'm just a home rehabber. Anyway, in general, no, I'm not friends with ex'es new SO's because I generally erase ex'es.

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Taramere Established Member

Taramere

Posted
Posted
If your reaction to the title is a knee-jerk "HELL no" then you're like me. But maybe I'm the weird one. Is this a normal thing? If someone you dumped gushed about how much she wants to meet the girl you left her for---but also said there was no need to compare each other---would you regard that as sincerely interested or crazy ex-girlfriend territory?

 

She's maybe like Jerry Hall....creating an extended sisterhood of exes' partners and exes.

 

Mick Jagger?s entire family invited to Jerry and Rupert?s wedding ? except for Mick - Article Display - Scout

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MJJean Established Member

MJJean

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I'm not friends with any of my ex's and neither is my DH, so I have no reason to be friends with my ex's new SO's nor do I have any reason to be friends with DH's ex's.

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central Established Member

central

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Posted

If you are friends with your ex, and your ex's SO is willing to be friendly (not necessarily friends - that will take time, if ever) with you, then why not? It's not common, but nothing wrong with it, either, unless there are ulterior motives.

 

I have several exes who have remained friends with me, and some of them are also good friends with my SO (now wife). It either works, or it doesn't - no biggie.

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minimariah Established Member

minimariah

Posted
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to answer the title question -- no.

 

buuuuuuuut, me & my xH share a child. so i'm kind of obligated to at least be CIVIL and spend SOME amount of time with my x's new SO.

 

long story short -- we slowly started to get to know each other and formed a... peculiar friendship. & yeah - he dumper me for her. it was forced on us, so the situation is drastically different than yours -- but, i'm trying to say this: through that weird friendship that really just... kind of happened... i found my closure. not the relationship kind of closure, not the getting over the heartbreak kind of closure; but ego kind of closure. getting to know that woman better genuinely helped me move on: i did not plan this... in fact, i avoided it - but, something really great came out of it. and we're still maintaining that weird, peculiar friendship - even though she isn't with my xH anymore. it's not the kind of friendship i have with my other girlfriends and i won't call her in the middle of the night to tell her about this amazing sex i JUST had... you know? but still -- it is a friendship.

 

HOWEVER... and this is a huge however - if it wasn't for our child, i would not be friends with my X... let alone his new SO. MOST folks think this way; she can be sincere, sure. maybe she's looking for her own closure; maybe it's about morbid curiosity... not sure if she knows her dumper her for you so if she SUSPECTS... she probably wants to dig a little deeper and get the final confirmation? if she DOES know... then we're back to morbid curiosity and her being interested in the woman she got dumped for. it's an interesting phenomenon; there is nothing behind it just... curiosity.

 

How would you respond?

 

what are you comfortable with?

 

if you don't see a good reason to meet her -- your SO can tell her you're not interested and would feel uncomfortable; don't see any reason to start that friendship and she should be able to understand that.

 

if you're comfortable enough - go meet her, have a cup of coffee with her and ask her straight up what is it she wants or expects from your friendship. personally - i would do exactly that.

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lana-banana Established Member

lana-banana

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Minimariah, I'm so glad you weighed in. I always look out for your posts because you are among the wisest and most thoughtful people here.

 

to answer the title question -- no.

 

buuuuuuuut, me & my xH share a child. so i'm kind of obligated to at least be CIVIL and spend SOME amount of time with my x's new SO.

 

long story short -- we slowly started to get to know each other and formed a... peculiar friendship. & yeah - he dumper me for her. it was forced on us, so the situation is drastically different than yours -- but, i'm trying to say this: through that weird friendship that really just... kind of happened... i found my closure. not the relationship kind of closure, not the getting over the heartbreak kind of closure; but ego kind of closure. getting to know that woman better genuinely helped me move on: i did not plan this... in fact, i avoided it - but, something really great came out of it. and we're still maintaining that weird, peculiar friendship - even though she isn't with my xH anymore. it's not the kind of friendship i have with my other girlfriends and i won't call her in the middle of the night to tell her about this amazing sex i JUST had... you know? but still -- it is a friendship.

 

This is amazing and inspiring. The world works in funny ways, doesn't it? I'm so glad to hear you achieved closure and found a friend through all of that.

 

HOWEVER... and this is a huge however - if it wasn't for our child, i would not be friends with my X... let alone his new SO. MOST folks think this way; she can be sincere, sure. maybe she's looking for her own closure; maybe it's about morbid curiosity... not sure if she knows her dumper her for you so if she SUSPECTS... she probably wants to dig a little deeper and get the final confirmation? if she DOES know... then we're back to morbid curiosity and her being interested in the woman she got dumped for. it's an interesting phenomenon; there is nothing behind it just... curiosity.

 

Yes, she absolutely knows he left her for me. Honestly I don't like saying he left her "for" me because they were already on the rocks and on the verge of another breakup when I came into the picture. I freely admit I was the catalyst but they had their own problems.

 

I know for a fact she suspects he was cheating on her, and she started following my Instagram account to find evidence (per a friend). He and I were socializing before the breakup but were very adamant about keeping our boundaries.

 

what are you comfortable with?

 

if you don't see a good reason to meet her -- your SO can tell her you're not interested and would feel uncomfortable; don't see any reason to start that friendship and she should be able to understand that.

 

if you're comfortable enough - go meet her, have a cup of coffee with her and ask her straight up what is it she wants or expects from your friendship. personally - i would do exactly that.

 

Here is my issue: I know she doesn't like me. She told someone recently how much she dislikes me, or what she knows of me (I guess she figured I wouldn't hear it?). Her boyfriend detests my boyfriend and goes out of his way to avoid him. So I feel like her invitation to be one big happy family is blatantly manipulative. It's like she's trying to paint herself as being totally awesome and above it all, and we'd look petty if we refused. I know when she moves back I'll certainly run into her at parties held by mutual friends. I'm fine with that! I'd be happy to start with a cordial distance and let things proceed organically, if they proceeded at all.

 

My boyfriend declined the invitation. I asked him to keep it short and simple, which he did. We couldn't have gone anyways; we're hosting one of his closest buddies that weekend and said buddy really hates his ex-girlfriend and has no desire to join.

 

I hadn't considered that maybe this is a way for her to find closure. Thanks for ypur insight and giving me something to think about.

Popsicle Established Member

Popsicle

Posted
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It's "Hell-No" for me too. My exes SO tried to be friends with me and I just kept avoiding her until she got the message. I don't hate or dislike her, but I don't want to be friends either. How awkward. :confused:

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minimariah Established Member

minimariah

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Lana, thank you so much for the kind words! You know the feelings are mutual... :love:

 

This is amazing and inspiring. The world works in funny ways, doesn't it? I'm so glad to hear you achieved closure and found a friend through all of that.

 

it is amazing.

 

for something like that to work out... you need to have three emotionally mature, drama - free people who are able to communicate through their problems and verbalize their feelings. what are the odds of THAT happening? slim to none. :laugh:

 

this will sound arrogant but in my situation - we were really the exception. i mean, listen... when you're dumped for some other girl... you will NOT like her; you will probably go through periods of blaming her for your break up and heartache, then you'll go through a period of stalking her and thinking of all the ways you're better than she is... well, you already know. so the chances she genuinely wants to be buddies with you? slim to none.

 

even in my situation - and we were all really mature (from your previous postings; i doubt your boyfriend's X is) + we had to be because of the child - it was a really bumpy road. and we are friends... but we're not close. you know? so there will always be that little thin wall of distance between us. even though, we are, friends.

 

my point: friendships with Xs and their new partners are RARITY. i'm talking winning the lottery three times in the row kind of rarity. just wanted to add that. :p

 

I hadn't considered that maybe this is a way for her to find closure.

 

perhaps...

 

but she doesn't seem like a mature person. at all. meaning, friendship with her would be close to impossible; i would advise you, with this new info, to stay away from her. she does come off as manipulative and two - faced and do NOT let her close to you. OR to your relationship; protect what you have with your boyfriend, protect that relationship & your privacy. i feel like she wants to dig and collect info only to use it against you. you don't need that kind of negative energy.

 

like i said - friendships like this are extremely rare and this girl already showed she simply cannot handle it.

 

& yes, she probably is trying to "take the high road" and show to the world how totally over the situation she is while making the two of you look petty. that's EXACTLY what's going on.

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jen1447 Established Member

jen1447

Posted
Posted
Do you want to be friends with your ex's new SO?

 

I don't think it's ever really happened but I'd be fine with it in principle. :)

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Emilia Established Member

Emilia

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It only happened to me when I had been split up with my ex for almost 10 years. Only once too. Otherwise hell no

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d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
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I have been introduced to EXs new SOs. I extend my hand, shake thiers & say How do you do? That's it. Civil. Nothing more.

 

 

Recently one of my EXs suggested that He & his GF getting together with DH & me. I was like no. I'm positive my husband has no interest in such an arrangement. When I told DH about it later he was relieved I kyboshed the whole thing.

 

 

I will say that DH & I do occasionally hang out with my HS BF & his wife but that is 30 years after the fact & the guy & I dated for something like 3 months. It was HS after all. :) That guy's wife & I are not friends. We speak when the couples are together but don't spend time together independently.

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craw Established Member

craw

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Why do people choose to make their lives complicated?

sandylee1 Established Member

sandylee1

Posted
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I really don't see the need for it and would decline such an invitation. Life has enough complications without adding this to it.

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cocorico Established Member

cocorico

Posted
Posted
If your reaction to the title is a knee-jerk "HELL no" then you're like me. But maybe I'm the weird one. Is this a normal thing? If someone you dumped gushed about how much she wants to meet the girl you left her for---but also said there was no need to compare each other---would you regard that as sincerely interested or crazy ex-girlfriend territory?

 

When my boyfriend got this message he turned to me and said "Wow. How would you like me to respond?" How would you respond? Have you ever developed a genuine friendship with your ex's new SO? Are you supposed to try to be friends to prove everything is normal and no one has hurt feelings? Is it bad to want to avoid your partner's exes?

 

I can't honestly think of a situation where this would feel at least a little icky to me... unless, perhaps, the step-parenting of really really young kids was involved. But even so....

 

Some years after I'd left my xH, I got a message out of the blue from him. He was dating the younger sister of an old classmate of mine, and the two sisters (who lived together) wanted to invite me (and the kids) for dinner. It felt really odd - I hadn't seen the ex classmate in years, we'd never really been friends, and I'd never met her little sister. In the end, the kids - who were still small - wanted to go, as they hadn't seen their dad in years, so we went, and it was super-awkward all round. Little sister spent the whole evening telling me how her mother really disapproved of the R - but then, "she always disapproved of her choice in BFs" (he was about twice her age, twice divorced and not seeing or supporting any of his kids, unemployed, in and out of mental hospitals... Hard not to see the mother's point, really!) while big sis and I shuffled through a rather clumsy dance of catching up the intervening years (me - travelled, worked in exotic places, heavily activist career, had gotten M and D, raising kids as a single parent, studying part time, etc; her - still studying at the same uni where I'd known her, working part time for her mother, who owned the house she and little sis lived in... Little sis was a student, too.) He kept telling "endearing" stories about how naive little sis was, which just embarrassed everyone. The kids got bored and tetchy, so we called it quits early and I didn't see him again for decades.

 

No one got dumped for another in that scenario, but it was awkward enough. It was also some years after we'd parted - we'd both had other SOs since then. If it was recent, or dumping for the other was involved.... (Shudder!)

 

If, e.g. My H's xW contacted him with a similar request, I think we'd both run for the hills! It was bad enough being stalked on social media, and having friends reporting about "awkward encounters" they'd had with her where she just wanted to grill them for info on us, and having the kids refuse point blank to go and see her because of the same.... and, of course, all the drive-byes, the break-ins, small tufts, etc. If she'd actually pulled a "let's all be friends" stunt I think a restraining order would have been brandished PDQ!

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PrettyEmily77 Established Member

PrettyEmily77

Posted
Posted (edited)

I'm not really friendly with any of my exes and have nothing much to do at all with them - I even refused random social media invites because I really don't want them in my life in any way, shape or form. For that reason, I don't know why I'd ever befriend their new SOs, unless by fluke. Really wouldn't like the idea of my partner wanting to be friends with any of my exes either. I've briefly met my partner's ex-wife and I'm positive there'll never be a friendship there.

 

One caveat would be my first ever BF in high school / Uni - we're still in touch after 20 years +, but he's single so that answers that - I probably would be happy meeting his new SO when it comes to it as we are now more friends than exes. I've asked my partner if he wanted to meet him but he's not really interested, which I totally get.

Edited by PrettyEmily77
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