Did you believe you'd wind up with MM because BW would leave?

March 12, 2016

I have benefited from hearing the thoughtful responses of OW and have a question. I am also open to answering questions as a BW if you have them.

I have noticed a theme of wondering why in the world the BW would stay. I was wondering if this is because you envisioned that the BW would kick out the MM and then you'd have a chance to figure out if you wanted to be together in the real world. Was this the case for a lot if you?

My DD was caused by OW trying to FaceTime my husband on a weekend afternoon. He was in the shower and I'm the one who saw it. I actually ran in and asked if I should answer. How nice of me to respect his privacy! So after the kids were in bed I asked about it until he admitted an EA. I had to find out it was a PA by sleuthing.

They had an understanding that there would be no communication on weekends. So I have to wonder if she thought that forcing a DD would lead to me kicking him out and all her dreams coming true. When I went back and looked at her social media (I was only on FB at the time so I guess she felt freer on other platforms) I saw that she had been tagging him with increasing frequency. So I conclude she wanted him to get found out. And I can only imagine that that's because she thought there was a fairly good chance she'd get to be with him.

At the basis of the complaint about the BW mysteriously choosing to stay in her marriage is the acceptance that MM can't be expected to leave himself. Apparently he's viewed as powerless to take action for his own happiness so it all hinges on the BW casting him aside. What confuses me is why you would want a man who's only with you because another woman rejected him. During the affair were you thinking, poor MM can't be expected to leave because of finances and kids, but if he loses those things as a byproduct of BW kicking him out, then no harm, no foul?

March 12, 2016

do you have kids & how old are they - if you don't mind me asking?

and yeah -- your OW probably was trying to make the D--Day happen. if their agreement was that they won't talk on weekends at all and she calls him on FACETIME... she most definitely wanted him to get busted.

the most drastic thing the OW do to force a D--Day is pregnancy -- you wouldn't believe how common it actually is.

March 12, 2016

During my A, I always wondered what would happen if a DD would occur (which it did and it was awful) but I never did anything to push it to that nor would I. I had a great situation and wasn't willing to mess that up. However, we never talked about running off into the sunset together even though we had feelings for each other. I have a friend that is wanting to force DD so she can force his hand in a decision, but I don't agree with her and I feel it will implode in her face. I do feel the OW reaches her breaking point. However, mine was after DD though and my A ended only because he fell asleep on the couch without locking his phone and she found texts. If that didn't happen, we would still be in it.

I also had no clue what the BS would do when/if she found out. They had been married for 25 years with 3 kids so I wasn't naive thinking she would throw his stuff in the driveway and tell him to get out without a second thought or at least see if there could be reconciliation. Hard to walk away from that type of history together (this was his first A). She did not kick him out on DD and I know it's been rough for her. He told me she couldn't sleep, eat, was in IC and friends and family kept asking what is wrong because she was withdrawn and didn't look well. Even though I knew what I was doing during the A, I never wanted to be the reason for someone else's pain so it's tough knowing this. I will live with that guilt forever. However, never once did I have any intention of forcing a DD.

March 12, 2016

Let me add that if she did kick him out post DD, I do believe there is a good chance we would have stayed together. We both told each other many times that under different circumstances, we would be a couple. We were great friends and enjoyed each other's company, we had a lot of common, we had a great connection and we just "fit" without any effort.

March 12, 2016

The mow sent 2am texts soon after it had ended. Since he wasn't hiding the phone, I saw them. I think she wanted a dday just to see what would happen, if he'd come running. I did throw his things on the driveway, and he never told her he'd been kicked out. He just bawled.

I will say that she's one of those girls we all knew in high school who just liked drama. She thought she'd take my spot, but I think all the noise she caused was part of the whole thing. Any press is good press, perhaps. Unlike Babs, she was a destructive person - the a ended after she told my wh that she'd been left on her own by her family at 12, and that her 4 boys would get the same since it had made her such a great person. She said this on a summer afternoon in a highway motel 3 hrs from her home. And he knew he was more pathetic than she. But for 12 months after, she offered him sex. He wanted the whole thing to just go away, he was pretty ashamed. She was a serial cheater at 50 who was done with her kids (so sad to me) and was just always looking for the next transaction that would make her life better - $.

To what Liam has said, wh told her this was sex only, she agreed (as she did to everything wh said) but she kept pushing for more. I have emails of wh booking hotel rooms for her and her bh because he could get good rates and because he did not want that marriage to end. A lot of the a was tension and fear, since he really didn't know her very well and had no idea what she would do. What a ***** show.

March 12, 2016

I will say that she's one of those girls we all knew in high school who just liked drama. She thought she'd take my spot, but I think all the noise she caused was part of the whole thing. Any press is good press, perhaps. Unlike Babs, she was a destructive person - the a ended after she told my wh that she'd been left on her own by her family at 12, and that her 4 boys would get the same since it had made her such a great person. She said this on a summer afternoon in a highway motel 3 hrs from her home. And he knew he was more pathetic than she. But for 12 months after, she offered him sex. He wanted the whole thing to just go away, he was pretty ashamed. She was a serial cheater at 50 who was done with her kids (so sad to me) and was just always looking for the next transaction that would make her life better - $.

To what Liam has said, wh told her this was sex only, she agreed (as she did to everything wh said) but she kept pushing for more. I have emails of wh booking hotel rooms for her and her bh because he could get good rates and because he did not want that marriage to end. A lot of the a was tension and fear, since he really didn't know her very well and had no idea what she would do. What a ***** show.

on a scale of 1-10, 10 being great, seems this was a "-1" affair. doesn't really sound like an affair, more like prostitution.. ewww to all of what you described.....can understand why he was so ashamed....was going to leave her 4 boys at the age of 12?

how did you view him after you found out about all of this? don't think i could have stayed with him under any circumstances...

March 12, 2016

No, I never pushed for Dday. There was one time early in the affair that he was not good about deleting texts. She saw them and asked who it was. I don't remember what he said. I asked him if HE was trying to get caught and end his marriage.

Logic told me there were three scenarios....

A. He gets caught red handed and a Dday happens. She divorces him. He loses 50-75% of everything he has worked for financially in his life. He loses his job ( morals clause), his kids hate him, he loses his reputation and his community standing. People are snickering behind his back. Some may even be hostile to his face. His friends and extended family are disgusted. He's lost everything.

The last thing he would want would be a daily reminder of what he lost - which is what I'd be. I think he'd feel obligated to spend the rest of his life trying to make up for it to his kids and ex-wife.

B. She decides to divorce him out of the blue. I just don't know. I think if he thought there was a chance she would change her mind, he'd spend the rest of his life trying to bring her back in.

C. She has an affair and divorces him. The plausibility of this happening is so slim, it is tough for me to science fiction future fake a hypothetical. I really do believe she is one of those people who doesn't need sex and is possibly repulsed by it. I'm not saying they NEVER had sex, I'm saying it was with less frequency that he would like. Best guess is she could live with it once a month and he would like it once a week.

But, this would probably have been the best scenario for a possible marriage and relationship. Although, I would have really had to do something I've vowed never to do again - keep a relationship secret when the man is single - probably for two years or longer. This would be for the sake of "propriety".

March 12, 2016

My exh's ow thought that I was the only reason they weren't together. So on dday when I told her he was all hers, she said he was her soulmate and she knew it wasn't just sex. He told her it was just sex all the time. He didn't go to her when I kicked him out. Instead he blocked her completely and got into therapy. Even now, 3 years later he hasn't gone to her. Still trying to win the marriage back even after the divorce. She moved on to another husband. It's all very sad really.

March 12, 2016

Well, how I view him is complicated. She was his employee and to say he was in a bad place prior to the affair starting would be an understatement. He was almost manic. I've known him since he was 19, he's almost 50 now. We've been through our lives together the whole time. We'd never had problems outside of the normal marriage things, so his behaviour was super odd. He rug swept serious issues (family, upbringing etc), got angry and projected on me. She didn't cause the affair, but she "consoled" him and offered a non-judgmental "place" for him to "let things out". Which he thought was awesome! She allowed him to avoid reality in a skanky way. He said he saw every negative about her before the affair started and just ignored - and ignoring was something he got good at. With me he was a failure, with her he was Nelson Rockefeller. Cray.

I'd never been mistreated before in my relationship with him, nor since. We were great equal partners. So I'm in a place where I ask myself "is that loser who he really is?" Or was this an aberration? Not a fun place to be after over 25 years and kids, homes, futures, companies etc. But I never stopped loving him, I'm just not sure that's worth much except to pat myself on the back for my loyalty. Yay me.

March 12, 2016

I never wanted my MM to have a D day and I never wanted one for me. I thought we would both leave our Ms and end up together because it seemed like we were both unhappy in our Ms. I assumed he felt the same way as I did. You know what they say about assuming things. Anyway, MM never future faked me and after a year told me he wouldn't leave his wife, but I never wanted a D day. I didn't want him to go through all that pain and drama. It would have been awful, and no matter what, I cared and loved my MM and wouldn't want him to be miserable. Oddly, one of the reasons for me wanting to end the A now, is because I don't want him to have to go through a D day. He told me recently that his family would kill him and several close friends would be disappointed in him. A D day would destroy him. I don't want that.

March 12, 2016

I never wanted my MM to have a D day and I never wanted one for me. I thought we would both leave our Ms and end up together because it seemed like we were both unhappy in our Ms. I assumed he felt the same way as I did. You know what they say about assuming things. Anyway, MM never future faked me and after a year told me he wouldn't leave his wife, but I never wanted a D day. I didn't want him to go through all that pain and drama. It would have been awful, and no matter what, I cared and loved my MM and wouldn't want him to be miserable. Oddly, one of the reasons for me wanting to end the A now, is because I don't want him to have to go through a D day. He told me recently that his family would kill him and several close friends would be disappointed in him. A D day would destroy him. I don't want that.

I think we may have a lot in common. This is why I ended things. We didn't fight, we were compatible, we had some history together, had helped each other through milestones, were sexually compatible, I mean we were great together.

BUT, I couldn't stand the thought of him losing everything because of a lay. With me. After years of struggle, I reached a financial goal. And just one night it hit me. I would be pissed off if anyone took or helped to take what I and worked for away. I'd be angry at myself if I risked it. I couldn't do it anymore.

Okay, I did have to invent a cockamamie scheme to end it. It is still kind of niggling me that I knew the last time we were together was the last time and he didn't. But it was what worked for me - and him.

March 12, 2016

do you have kids & how old are they - if you don't mind me asking?

and yeah -- your OW probably was trying to make the D--Day happen. if their agreement was that they won't talk on weekends at all and she calls him on FACETIME... she most definitely wanted him to get busted.

the most drastic thing the OW do to force a D--Day is pregnancy -- you wouldn't believe how common it actually is.

We have two kids, kindergarten and preschool.

He says that they rarely talked specifically about the future; it was all hypothetical about how great it would be to be together (again, my WH is patting himself on the back for only leading her on by actions, not words). The one time she said that she couldn't take this for much longer, he supposedly said, "well, it can't go on like this forever" and she said, "I'm just worried you'll work things out with your BW," a statement he let hang in the air with no response. After DD she posted a bunch of "I'm not giving up" messages so even after DD did not go how she wanted, I guess she still had some hope.

March 12, 2016

My exh's ow thought that ...

He told her it was just sex all the time.

Forgive me for being blunt;

but we are in a discussion forum after all, so allow me to speak openly here--with no intention to offend anyone.

I have read some variations of the above comments a few times in this site, and that's why I'd like to respond.

Whenever there's YET another OW posting saying "my MM says… or feels…" or "MM's wife acts like ..."

we all iterate the same message: "you don't know the BS or the nature of relationship of MM with BS or what the MM really thinks".

Don't trust the MM about anything he says about his BS. He'll say anything to get what he wants from OW.

And in that spirit,

I now iterate the same concept to the BS:

You don't know what the OW thought.

You don't know what the OW felt.

You don't know what the WH said to the OW in the heat of the moment.

You don't know how many "I love you, I want you…" and all the sweet nothings have been exchanged between the WH and xOW.

And finally, you cannot FULLY trust what the WS is saying about what the true nature of his relationship was with the xOW. He'll say anything to the BS to repair the marriage, especially because he loves the BS.

He lied to OW for sex & thrill. He clearly is capable of lying to BS for love and happiness--when we lie with a good intention, it's often a much more powerfully convincing lie.

I can only imagine (but won't speculate) that if my xMM were to stand in front of his wife and to answer for his actions, he'd tell her that I was just for some cheap sex--he'd have to tell her that to try to minimize her pain.

There were many many sentimental and intimate things xMM said to me, but after a while he forgot about some--to my painful surprise.

I do not speculate what xMM's wife does or thinks.

And I wouldn't like her to speculate about what I did or thought either.

(Please do not take the above post as an attack; it's meant as a comment).

March 12, 2016

I did not want my xMM to have a DDay, nor did I want him to leave his wife for me, or her leave him due to an affair. All of that sounds horrible, just horrible. Of course, I didn't think of all that when I started the A due to the highs I was experiencing, but it was my first time being in a situation like that (and it will be my last, as well). After some time, I did start thinking about all of that and it was not something I wanted to go through, nor did I want him or his family to go through, so I decided to end it. He wasn't ready for it to end because I don't think he had thought about all that, or maybe he thought he was impervious to it, I don't know, but I saw the doom and gloom ahead and ended it. Plus, I wanted more out of a relationship with a man, which he could not give me due to being married.

March 12, 2016

I never wanted my MM to have a D day and I never wanted one for me. I thought we would both leave our Ms and end up together because it seemed like we were both unhappy in our Ms. I assumed he felt the same way as I did. You know what they say about assuming things. Anyway, MM never future faked me and after a year told me he wouldn't leave his wife, but I never wanted a D day. I didn't want him to go through all that pain and drama. It would have been awful, and no matter what, I cared and loved my MM and wouldn't want him to be miserable. Oddly, one of the reasons for me wanting to end the A now, is because I don't want him to have to go through a D day. He told me recently that his family would kill him and several close friends would be disappointed in him. A D day would destroy him. I don't want that.

My WH has had to pay a big price, that's for sure. He's disappointed and angered a lot of trusted friends and family. He's caused me a lot of pain. I'm glad you don't want bad things for your MM, but in my view, honesty is the only way anything good can come out of this. The time to worry about the fallout is before you do the things that would cause fallout if they were exposed. By being honest, there's a real chance for growth and change, either in the marriage or by deciding it's irreparable.

I've seen other BS say they wish they'd never found out, but I think that's just the other side of the conflict avoidance coin. And the fact that I can love my husband knowing his darkest secrets and weaknesses is a lot more beautiful than loving him because he hides them from me.

Sorry, got off topic a bit here. I actually just meant to comment that your attitude is a lot more caring than what I think happened with my OW forcing a DD to increase her odds. How could she claim to love him and do that? I read an early email where he specifically said that he wouldn't be a part time father because he had seen that happen to others and couldn't live like that. She really didn't care about what was best for him, or believed she knew better. Of course, he didn't really love her when he let her be a dirty secret and gave her plenty of reasons to have false hope. (I'm referring to love as a supreme form of selfless caring; I don't dispute that they had lovey-dovey feelings.)

March 12, 2016

Forgive me for being blunt;
but we are in a discussion forum after all, so allow me to speak openly here--with no intention to offend anyone.

I have read some variations of the above comments a few times in this site, and that's why I'd like to respond.

Whenever there's YET another OW posting saying "my MM says… or feels…" or "MM's wife acts like ..."
we all iterate the same message: "you don't know the BS or the nature of relationship of MM with BS or what the MM really thinks".
Don't trust the MM about anything he says about his BS. He'll say anything to get what he wants from OW.

And in that spirit,
I now iterate the same concept to the BS:

You don't know what the OW thought.
You don't know what the OW felt.
You don't know what the WH said to the OW in the heat of the moment.
You don't know how many "I love you, I want you…" and all the sweet nothings have been exchanged between the WH and xOW.

And finally, you cannot FULLY trust what the WS is saying about what the true nature of his relationship was with the xOW. He'll say anything to the BS to repair the marriage, especially because he loves the BS.

He lied to OW for sex & thrill. He clearly is capable of lying to BS for love and happiness--when we lie with a good intention, it's often a much more powerfully convincing lie.

I can only imagine (but won't speculate) that if my xMM were to stand in front of his wife and to answer for his actions, he'd tell her that I was just for some cheap sex--he'd have to tell her that to try to minimize her pain.

There were many many sentimental and intimate things xMM said to me, but after a while he forgot about some--to my painful surprise.

I do not speculate what xMM's wife does or thinks.
And I wouldn't like her to speculate about what I did or thought either.

(Please do not take the above post as an attack; it's meant as a comment).

Actually my WH said the opposite; it wasn't about sex. He just wanted someone to do things with (I have a chronic condition and thankfully am not wheelchair bound like some, but my functioning is limited).

I'm not offended. Good for you if you don't go down the rabbit hole of curiosity.

March 12, 2016

I think we may have a lot in common. This is why I ended things. We didn't fight, we were compatible, we had some history together, had helped each other through milestones, were sexually compatible, I mean we were great together.

BUT, I couldn't stand the thought of him losing everything because of a lay. With me. After years of struggle, I reached a financial goal. And just one night it hit me. I would be pissed off if anyone took or helped to take what I and worked for away. I'd be angry at myself if I risked it. I couldn't do it anymore.

Okay, I did have to invent a cockamamie scheme to end it. It is still kind of niggling me that I knew the last time we were together was the last time and he didn't. But it was what worked for me - and him.

Yes, Lady2163, we are very alike. We don't fight, we are very compatible, extremely sexually compatible, he is my best friend. Initially no history, but after 3 years together, a lot of history and yes, helping each other through some milestones. 10 months after our A started he had major surgery and had to recover from severe ED. If you don't use it, you lose it. I took over a year, but I made sure he recovered. I knew I wouldn't end it while that was happening, but have remained with him beyond that. Needless to say, we have been through a lot together and I often wonder what would have happened if he didn't have my support during that time.

I do not want him to suffer if a Dday ever happened. He doesn't have kids, but his family and friends would be disappointed and I am sure his wife would be devastated. We are both extremely cautious. I am curious Lady2163, do you care to share your cockamamie scheme to end it? I was just going to tell MM the truth. I love him and probably always will, but the relationship is a dead end one for me and I don't want his family and friends to be disappointed in him if a Dday happened. But I would love to know what you did.

March 12, 2016

xOW here; there was no D-day.

I didn't try to force a Dday, nor did I intend it any point--not did I even think about it.

xMM was very worried about Dday. He told me numerous times, that if his wife found out, she'd toss him out.

I assured him, promised him, and to this day will keep my promise that

IF she ever found out, WHATEVER story he wants to tell her, I would back him up with his story. She knew of my existence, but only as a friend.

I didn't want his life ruined. At the start of the affair, many MANY (did I say many) times when he kept on leading me on, I kept reminding him not to and stopping him saying "remember you don't want an affair; remember you don't want to hurt your wife". I pushed him to spend time with his wife.

God, it hurts like hell, just thinking about how I was helping him fix his marriage.

With that said, it was also HIM who shared his wandering thoughts and fantasies:

"maybe someday after a lot of pain, we can be together".

"I was picturing us living together with …"

"If we both were single, I wonder what our life would be like…".

He put those ideas in my head. So YES I did wonder many times

what if…

what if, she were to dump him, would he ever want to be with me?

I wished…in another world, in a another life…only if he were single…

But I also know the answer is NO.

Well, when you are in love with someone, is not natural to want to be with that person and wish for a future--even if it's wrong and impossible?

March 12, 2016

We have two kids, kindergarten and preschool.

He says that they rarely talked specifically about the future; it was all hypothetical about how great it would be to be together (again, my WH is patting himself on the back for only leading her on by actions, not words). The one time she said that she couldn't take this for much longer, he supposedly said, "well, it can't go on like this forever" and she said, "I'm just worried you'll work things out with your BW," a statement he let hang in the air with no response. After DD she posted a bunch of "I'm not giving up" messages so even after DD did not go how she wanted, I guess she still had some hope.

I don't know your backstory and I don't know if you are staying with your husband.

In my life I've had the misfortune of being the OW several times and I've had some really awful relationships with single men. Without a single exception, when time has passed and I have encountered these WH or lousy ex-boyfriends, I look at them, their wives or girlfriends and think to myself, "Whee. Dodged a helluva bullet there...." My life is better off without them, than it would have been with them.

I can admit I may not quite have that thought process with the last MM. He was definitely a cut above the rest. But I will in time, I have a pretty bright future.

So, while I think you made posts about the OW being kind of trashy or low class, if you're keeping this prince of a fellow, I think she got the better deal at the end of the day.

March 12, 2016

Good for you if you don't go down the rabbit hole of curiosity.

I don't ever go down on the rabbit hole of curiousity.

Actually, I live in it constantly.

Well after about a year and a half, still every single second,

just wondering,

what is he doing? how is he making his life all so better and happier with her? what is he thinking? what is he feeling?

ad infinitum ...

March 12, 2016

Yes, Lady2163, we are very alike. We don't fight, we are very compatible, extremely sexually compatible, he is my best friend. Initially no history, but after 3 years together, a lot of history and yes, helping each other through some milestones. 10 months after our A started he had major surgery and had to recover from severe ED. If you don't use it, you lose it. I took over a year, but I made sure he recovered. I knew I wouldn't end it while that was happening, but have remained with him beyond that. Needless to say, we have been through a lot together and I often wonder what would have happened if he didn't have my support during that time.

I do not want him to suffer if a Dday ever happened. He doesn't have kids, but his family and friends would be disappointed and I am sure his wife would be devastated. We are both extremely cautious. I am curious Lady2163, do you care to share your cockamamie scheme to end it? I was just going to tell MM the truth. I love him and probably always will, but the relationship is a dead end one for me and I don't want his family and friends to be disappointed in him if a Dday happened. But I would love to know what you did.

I'm single, he is married. We were long distance, probably saw each other 12-20 times a year for seven years.

I believe him when he says the sex was infrequent and vanilla. I believe him when he says there were many times in his marriage he did have to beg for it. I believe him when he says she told him "no" more often than yes. So, since I think that is the truth, I really wanted to end things without him feeling rejected again.

We had a scheduling gap that both of us knew about in advance. We wouldn't be able to see each other for 10-12 weeks. Again, I knew it was the last time.

I had also dated sporadically during the time I was with him. Lots of first dates, several second dates and few third dates. Rare fourth dates, by then I know there wasn't a connection and I knew I wasn't going to have sex or a relationship with them.

So, I invented a new man. Blind date, set up by a friend. Someone who works in a type of job I'm interested in. This invented, blind date and I hit it off. By the time the 10-12 weeks were up and MM and I had a clear schedule, I'm sort of involved with this guy. MM and I still talked during that 10-12 weeks, so it was a gradual process.

It's been two years since it ended. I've kept actual notes on this made up guy. Since I still talk with xMM and have no desire to admit that I concocted this scheme.

Again, totally cockamamie, juvenile and ridiculous. But is was what I felt was the best way. He wouldn't ask me to cheat (and he hasn't). He was being rejected because someone could give me what I wanted and deserved, not because I didn't desire him.

March 12, 2016

Forgive me for being blunt;
but we are in a discussion forum after all, so allow me to speak openly here--with no intention to offend anyone.

I have read some variations of the above comments a few times in this site, and that's why I'd like to respond.

Whenever there's YET another OW posting saying "my MM says… or feels…" or "MM's wife acts like ..."
we all iterate the same message: "you don't know the BS or the nature of relationship of MM with BS or what the MM really thinks".
Don't trust the MM about anything he says about his BS. He'll say anything to get what he wants from OW.

And in that spirit,
I now iterate the same concept to the BS:

You don't know what the OW thought.
You don't know what the OW felt.
You don't know what the WH said to the OW in the heat of the moment.
You don't know how many "I love you, I want you…" and all the sweet nothings have been exchanged between the WH and xOW.

And finally, you cannot FULLY trust what the WS is saying about what the true nature of his relationship was with the xOW. He'll say anything to the BS to repair the marriage, especially because he loves the BS.

He lied to OW for sex & thrill. He clearly is capable of lying to BS for love and happiness--when we lie with a good intention, it's often a much more powerfully convincing lie.

I can only imagine (but won't speculate) that if my xMM were to stand in front of his wife and to answer for his actions, he'd tell her that I was just for some cheap sex--he'd have to tell her that to try to minimize her pain.

There were many many sentimental and intimate things xMM said to me, but after a while he forgot about some--to my painful surprise.

I do not speculate what xMM's wife does or thinks.
And I wouldn't like her to speculate about what I did or thought either.

(Please do not take the above post as an attack; it's meant as a comment).

Well being that is what was in their correspondence I read and she told me that, it wasn't an assumption. So I didn't speculate. I had a years + worth of text, emails and voicemails. Otherwise I would have speculated she was just some random who liked married men.

March 12, 2016

Occasionally, I have feelings of guilt for ending it with him....like I feel like I abandoned him when he needed me or something like that, but then I quickly snap out of it and say "What the hell am I thinking?! He has a wife to tend to all of his needs!" Or, it least it should be that way. It's not my problem if it's not, that's their problem....

March 12, 2016

And it's a given that if you've caught your spouse cheating you've just caught them lying too. But thanks for the heads up.

March 12, 2016

No, I never require a partner to do anything they do not willingly want to do. And I certainly would not force someone's affair into their spouse's face. It's not my job to force reality onto anyone. If they want to live in some make-believe world, that's their problem, not mine. Regardless of whether that's a BS remaining ignorantly married to a man who doesn't want to remain married or an OW continuing a PA with a man who remains married. So many people just live in their minds, and not with truth. And it doesn't really matter what you tell them, they're going to do what they want.

Men who cheat are confused individuals and can bring a lot of confusion (not to mention heartache and angst) into your life. My issue is really how long I choose to be a part of it, or be exposed to it.

But that's not to say that he did not try to convince me that BW not letting him go was the reason we were not able to be together. Which I think is probably true. If she had released him from his marital obligation, that is, agreed to divorce, he would have divorced. I don't think it's so much that he put the responsibility on her, but I do think he left the choice up to her. I also believe that the choice to remain married is really the woman's in the first place. In my xMM's case, his marriage didn't mean as much to him as it means to her. But I don't think he really thought it through. I find that men tend to take people for granted, and don't realize all the benefits they receive from their partners or wives.

But to be honest, I didn't really participate in conversations about this with MM. I just let him talk. If he was fooling himself, that was his problem, not mine. People are weird.

Edited March 12, 2016 by 13Hearts

Sign In

Did you believe you'd wind up with MM because BW would leave?

Recommended Posts

heartwhole

minimariah

Babsinhealing

Babsinhealing

Midwestmissy

LivingWaterPlease

Lady2163

purplesorrow

Midwestmissy

Babs22

Lady2163

heartwhole

burnt

Popsicle

heartwhole

heartwhole

Babs22

burnt

Lady2163

burnt

Lady2163

purplesorrow

Popsicle

purplesorrow

13Hearts

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...